Bend it Like Beck

Hello, and Sherfaneranerfanerf, loyal (but unenthusiastic) followers! I got bored making Funny Times cartoons for a while, so I decided to make this blog. Today's blog will be mostly about my favorite pastime, MAKING REPUBLICANS LOOK LIKE THE MORONS THEY ARE!!!

Aaaahhh, how I hate them.

We begin today with TOPIC OF INTEREST, which is Glenn Beck. Becky has been around for too long, and I think it's time that I slammed him again. Here's a list of things I hate Glenn Beck for:

The title of his book, ARGUING WITH IDIOTS. Excuse me? If anyone's an idiot, it's Glenn Beck (see the next grievance I have with him).

His comment that "Obama has a deep-seated hatred of white people". Oy vey. Do I really need to make a comment on that? I hope not.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If there is a Republican reading this, do not think for a MOMENT that 'Oh, it's just another dumb drooling Keith Olbermann loving Democrat." Incredibly not true. Self-righteous snobby left-wing assholes are JUST AS ANNOYING as self-righteous snobby right-wing assholes (hence, the reason I don't watch Keith Olbermann).

Back to Glenny: He said that Obama's supreme court nominee, Sonya Sotomayor, was also racist. Have the Republicans really sunk so low that when they see a Democrat who's also, say, Hispanic, they would say "Oh, he/she MUST be racist". The same goes for the 'Obama hates white people' comment.

He always seems to work a "Progressives=Socialists" joke into any sentence he says. Also, his blackboard has gotten more annoying than his actual opinions. He recently went all-out at a tea party convention, where he pulled out his famous blackboard and proceeded to draw a diagram of America's choices (which, if I remember correctly, were 'Revolution' or 'Evolution'). People who feel intellectually stimulated by an idiot doodling on a rolling blackboard have roughly the IQ of a fried eggplant.

But let's make room for a new feature I'm calling 'It wasn't all bad'. It's where I give you the silver lining of an otherwise crappy week. Here's today's:

This weekend is a three-day weekend, except the teachers have to work on Monday! So IN YOUR FACE, TEACHERS! You have to go to the stinkin' cesspool that is White Hill Middle School while I stay home and play video games, have sleepovers, and go on hikes!

Bye!

We're Living in Funny Times

Oy vey. I cleaned out The Swamp today, fortunately with minimal casualties. It tried to eat my fingers, but I just barely escaped. It did, however, score a minor victory when it ate my Big Book 'o Crappy Limericks (which I wrote). The Swamp ended up losing about 50 pounds, which will probably lighten the load of my backpack a bit. Right now, it's sitting across the room from me, just staring at me. I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep tonight.

Bad news for Avatar fans: The new issue of MAD Magazine came out today, and NO, the cover is not of Alfred E. Neuman as a Na'vi. That would have been the perfect picture for the cover, seeing as every cover is of Alfred E. as a different thing (i.e, Jack Sparrow, Darth Maul, Gollum, a homeless guy, Batman, Rorschach, etc). Even I had five bucks down on it. Instead, it was just some crap picture of Alfred wearing an 'I love Obama' shirt.

Speaking of MAD, I am incredibly depressed. MAD recently switched to a once-every-three-months basis, and now that I've read the new one cover to cover (three times), I have nothing to look forward to for a whole frickin' three months (besides the end of school- YEAH!) The only thing to think about now is when the monthly issue of Funny Times will come or when The Week will come, well, duh, WEEKLY!

As I was saying earlier, I wrote about fifty limericks in class today, which were unfortunately eaten by The Swamp. Some were about my friends, some about my enemies (I enjoyed writing those most), and some were just random. I've posted some of my favorites on FunnyTimes.com for the Annual Limerick Contest. To see all the 'toons I've done, follow the following link:

All cartoons by me

Now, before you click on that (which I really hope you didn't), I need to explain something to you. Funny Times is an international newspaper that has a website that you can create your own cartoons on (to create your own cartoon, click HERE). However, me and some other Funny Times users have been using it kinda like a social networking site, communicating to each other using cartoons. For my 'toons, I show myself as a geeky social leper with incredibly thick glasses and a bad haircut named 'Elephant Man'. I don't know why I called myself that, but it'll haunt me forever. And for the record, I don't look anything like that. I am a lean, mean, fighting machine.

Anyway, some other 'tooners who also use fake names (such as cta, Ellie May, Eric Per1in, Rick Dickulous, Danger Dan, Sophie, and Yankees With Hope) have been collaborating and creating contests, talking to each other, and having a great time. Here's the premise:

The 'tooners I just listed have mostly been around much longer than me. Here are their 'tooning amounts and when they began:

Me: Sometime in September, 112 pages of cartoons (five cartoons per page).

cta: Longer than anyone can remember, 214 pages of cartoons.

Eric Per1in: Started sometime after cta, but more pages (a result of having too much free time). 233 pages.

Sophie: Since who knows when, Unknown amount of cartoons.

Danger Dan: Since about December, 25 pages of cartoons.

Ellie May: Since about 2008, 64 pages of cartoons. IMPORTANT NOTE: Her husband, aka The Hubster, also appears in some cartoons.

Rick Dickulous: Just started 'tooning about a week ago, five pages of cartoons!

Just Bean: Bean has been around for quite a while, but switched his/her name from 'Queen Bean' to 'Just Bean' a few months ago.

More on the premise: These are the CURRENT 'tooners. Some retired 'tooners include:

CIAgent

Mr. Smartypants

Konrad Schwoerke (who just recently quit)

Claustrophobic (who recently came back! Whoooo!)

Smush (who also recently came back! Whoooo!)

and Ducky.

Even more on the premise: Some idiots under the name 'Anonymous' have been clogging up the website with mindless drivel, such as people standing there saying things like 'poopie'. Anonymous is the automatic name the site gives you if you don't enter a codename into the 'create your own cartoon' page. The 'tooners have united against the Anonymouses, and we have declared all-out war.

WOW, this is a long blog, but Funny Times is complicated. There's also a lot more to tell, like how to create things that aren't on the playground using available elements, and how to write underneath the panels, and how to publish your cartoon and Editor's Picks and cartoon series and bad puns and silliness and how to spot a disguised 'Anonymous' cartoon and...

Oh, what the hell. Just read all my cartoons from back to front. You'll get the picture (kinda).

Bye!

P.S.--- If cta, Sophie, Ellie May, or anyone else is reading this blog, thanks! I need the hits!

It's Been a While. I've Been Swamped.

Holy Shnerfanerf! I haven't blogged for nearly a month! This is bad, seeing as, in future generations, people will look to this blog as their new Bible. Okay, not REALLY, but at least for reviews on movies like Avatar which, by the way, I went to see for the third time.

I've been having a bad week. First, I was hit in the face with a rock, causing my parents to get all caring and helpful on me (don't you hate that?). Today, my best friend played a frickin' bad trick on me when he told me he was moving to France. I stopped believing him when he said he had planned this a year ago but 'forgot to tell me'. I plan to get him back on April Fool's Day...

Speaking of which, April Fool's Day is my third favorite day of the year, after my birthday (November 8th) and Christmas. Here are the pranks I have planned, as long as my teacher decides to go along with them:

#1: Hollow out a chocolate rabbit, fill it with wasabi, and give it to someone. Unfortunately, that someone's girlfriend found out and told him, so that one's a bust.

#2: This one is for my best friend, who I'm incredibly mad at: Steal everything in his desk and hide it all around the school, i.e., in the urinal, on the roof, in someone else's desk, and, hopefully, in an Eight Grader's locker.

#3: Get the entire class to hide around the school when someone's in the bathroom.

The rest I can't really tell because if anyone from school reads this blog, I'll have a problem. Let's just say I'm saving the best for last...

Speaking of school, my backpack is OUTTA CONTROL. Actually, it's not my backpack itself that's the problem, it's the binder in it. Not a single thing in that whole freakin' binder is clipped in. Nothing's sorted. I haven't thrown anything in it away, EVER. And, unfortunately, it ate some guy who thought I should clean it out. I call it 'The Swamp', and it's the subject of today's TOPIC OF INTEREST.

At the very start of the year, The Swamp was just a few doodles that I had drawn in math class when I got bored (which isn't hard in math class). But soon, teachers were excusing us to break minutes after the bell because they had to finish the lesson, so I, in a rush to get out the door, simply threw the papers we had been working on into The Swamp. Around November, The Swamp had mutated into a massive heap of loose papers that weighed more than a '97 PC. My homeroom teacher tried to get me to clean it out, and I was very successful. However, the very next day, The Swamp was back. That's when I started calling it The Swamp, after Hawkeye's tent in M*A*S*H.

On an unrelated note, our video in Science was narrated by Alan Alda.

Anyway, tomorrow we're supposed to clean out our binders, and The Swamp is looking bigger than ever. It's been so cocky since it ate that guy.

Bye!

P.S.-- If I hadn't done a blog for one more day, it would have been exactly a month since my last one.

P.S.S.-- I recently celebrated my 500th cartoon on Funny Times.com! Yay! Only 500 more 'till I hit 1,000!

P.P.S.S.-- I finally found out what P.S. stands for! Post Script!