Me For President: You've Done Worse

I recently went to the Giant's World Series Super Splendorifious Epic Homecoming Parade of Awesome (for extended title version, visit Giants.com), and I took this awesome picture. Take a look:

That's Brian Wilson, for those of you who couldn't read the sign on the cable car. He's a pitcher for the Giants whose beard has a fan base of its own. I'd go into more detail, but if you want the full effect, just move to San Fransisco.

I'm running for president again, this time under the name Elephant Man. I'll conduct my campaign from funnytimes.com and use the word 'man' in the name Elephant Man to convince everyone I'm actually 47, not 13. This is my master plan. Then, once I've seized the government, I shall invade Canada---

Wait. I shouldn't be telling you this.

Bye!

Camaro. Need I Say More?

First, let us all bid farewell to the doomed campaign of Elephant Man, a candidate for CA governor who was invented by me. He lost in a landslide to our new governator-in-chief, Jerry Brown. At least that's something--- Meg Whitman was an *******.

But let's not speak of... um... other things that happened during that election. I'm in too much pain already. Let's talk about an interesting event I recently went to...

THE SF CAR SHOW!!!

Me and my dad went for three reasons: One: So I could finally get inside a Chevy Camaro. Two: It's right across the GG Bridge and it's very, very cheap. Three: My grandpa's old Ford pickup has died at long last, and he needs a replacement. He won't buy any kind of car but a Ford. He doesn't even like Chevy or Chrysler. This makes him hard to shop for. But we're considering a Ford F-150. Creative car names, as usual.

I am actually better at COD than I thought. Case in point: I got a 12-kill streak (12 kills in a row) on one of my friends. Now, this was, of course, at someone else's house. That's because I don't have an X-box. And seeing as Christmas is coming up, I'm pulling out all the stops. I've got skywriters, posters, flyers, cartoons, cable channels, radio stations, and, of course, blogs all spreading the word that I NEED AN X-BOX 360 AND I NEED IT NOW.

Tell all your friends.

Bye!

Electile Dysfunction

I am running for governor of California.

Just thought I'd put that out there. Actually, I'm running for governor under my screen name on Funny Times.com, Elephant Man.

Also, you will notice that I have developed the greatest form of playground voodoo ever: The Shading Technique. It allows you to get a different camera angle, or a zoom in, with a change in lighting to boot. It's an almost Doonesburyesque feature that I just invented. Visit my 'all by this author' page at Funny Times to see other cartoons with this feature. If you can't read the text, bring the cartoon to a pages document and make it larger.

Here is the most evil thing that anyone has ever done.

Without consulting me, my friends deleted all my progress on my friend's Xbox.

Fortunately, that same friend is going to take his free time leveling me up. I'm hoping to get to level 40 by friday.

And another Xbox-related tidbit: We had a new person over to my friend's house who said he would 'Pwn my ass' at CODMW2 (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2). He was highly mistaken. In a one-on-one, I came in at least 10 kills ahead of him. I was doing some serious butt kicking.

So, if you're that person (and you know who you are), I just want to say:

EAT IT, KID!!!

Bye!!!

Cliffhanger...

Oh my god. I just created the greatest series EVER on Funny Times. Click the following link to view it (but finish reading this blog first!!!)

CLIFFHANGER

Remember, read the cartoon in REVERSE ORDER. Start with page three and go to page one, since due to the odd setup of the playground gallery, the first page is the most recent 'toon.

Speaking of Funny Times, I recently passed the 750 cartoons mark. This means I have only 250 or so more cartoons until I hit the big 1,000. Only two 'tooners have hit 1,000: cta and Eric Per1in. I am SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT!!!

However, there is an enormous obstacle in my way: The reality of how long it takes to make 250 cartoons. That's why I've just been pumping them out recently. I went through five pages of cartoons in two days. That's 25 cartoons. Which means I had to do at least one cartoon for every waking hour of the past two days.

Speaking of waking hours, I recently realized something: If you live to be 80, you've only technically lived 40 years! That's because you were asleep for half that time! Now, of course, you ARE alive when you sleep, you're just not conscious. This means that you're only actually DOING anything for half your life (or if you're George Costanza, none of it).

That's all I've got. Bye!

Sarah Plain and Todd

Yo, peoples!!! I have an interesting blog today: The idiocy of Sarah Palin. My good friend Elephant Man shall illustrate:

Here's another: "My favorite country to visit is Paris".

And now, we're thinking of electing this person as PRESIDENT? Sure, she's had four years to study, but the presidency isn't the SATs! What if she writes notes on her hands, but washes them off? Great! Now we've lost the code to launch the nuclear missiles!!!

People as stupid as this really should be locked up. Here's another metaphor: Remember back in the day, when Seinfeld was still on air? In one episode, George wants to convert to Latvian Orthodox for his girlfriend, but to do so, he has to take a test on the religion. He writes notes on his hands, and the members of the church think he's a genius. But when the high priest archpopebishop guy says "George, you're obviously full of love for our religion", George says "Oh, I'm full of it, father" and raises the hand with all the notes on it. Back then, we laughed at his complete incompetence. But now, that's perfectly acceptable, because 25% of Americans think Sarah's actually eligible for president.

But that leads to an even scarier conclusion: Democrats and Republicans are about 50-50 in this country, right? But that means that only HALF of the Republicans like Sarah Palin!

This means... and I say this with EXTREME terror... that there may actually be some smart Republicans.

OH MY GOD.

Bye!

Mosque-ito Coast

Hey, people! I've got an interesting topic for today, but first, another Funny Times cartoon, created by yours truly. Click the following to view it:

A Tale of "Fairness" and "Justice"

Today's topic: THE MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO!!! Or as Republicans like to call it...

THE EVIL CREEPY SCARY NASTY MUSLIM TERRORIST OPERATIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!!

I'll let Bob Selkowitz explain.

AND NOW... AN OLD REPUBLICAN RANT FROM BOB SELKOWITZ!!!!

It's official. The terrorists have won. We've just ended our combat mission in Iraq, and we're going to build a terrorist evil kill death murder center of doom and destruction right next to the doom and destruction that they created. It's stupid: I defy you to find a single Synagogue or Church in Mecca. So why should WE promote religious freedom if some random middle eastern country doesn't? Do YOU have a reason? Of course you don't.

You know, besides the whole constitution thing and that it says it in there. It's fine if REPUBLICANS violate the constitution. Let us crap on that stupid piece of paper all we want. But if evil socialist Kenyan muslim Hitler-reincarnation DEMOCRATS come anywhere near it, we'll BITE THEIR HEADS OFF!!!

Of course, they haven't yet. They're just defending it right now. Wow. Talk about old thinking. Let me explain:

Democrats? We're trying to make you the BAD GUYS. Which means that if you try to violate the constitution, we are allowed to say 'Obama and his evil liberal elitist terrorist pals are destroying America and everything that makes it great!!!' But unfortunately, you haven't tried anything yet. Here's the reverse: When us Republicans violate a few dozen amendments, it's no big deal. Wiretapping? Torture? Religious freedom? **** the constitution. We'll BURN the thing if that's what it takes. And remember: This isn't about racism. It's about SENSITIVITY TO THE 9/11 VICTIMS.

And that was Bob Selkowitz. Bye!

Putting Salt on the Wound

Hell-O, everyone! As you may have guessed, today's blog is about...

Yes, I finally went to see Salt. It was awesome. Non-stop BLOWING MY MIND!!! Jumping out of helicopters and stabbing some guy with a glass bottle will never get old. Plus, the Russians were the bad guys. It did much better than OTHER Russians-as-villians movies... hint, hint. I'm lookin' RIGHT AT YOU, Indiana Jones #4. For this, I give Salt 7 1/2 out of 10 stars!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: Today is the last day of your life so far.

You may have noticed that recently, this blog is becoming less and less political. Well, it's time to remedy that. Here's the latest Funny Times cartoon by me! Use the following link to view it: Why So Stupid

And here's another interesting tidbit of news: I have a new follower!!! Whee! Break out the champagne!

This makes a grand total of...

Two followers.

Crud.

Actually, there's really three, but one doesn't count, because it's me. Through some strange malfunction of this blog site, I have ended up following my own blog.

Bye!

We're Living in Funny Times

Oy vey. I cleaned out The Swamp today, fortunately with minimal casualties. It tried to eat my fingers, but I just barely escaped. It did, however, score a minor victory when it ate my Big Book 'o Crappy Limericks (which I wrote). The Swamp ended up losing about 50 pounds, which will probably lighten the load of my backpack a bit. Right now, it's sitting across the room from me, just staring at me. I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep tonight.

Bad news for Avatar fans: The new issue of MAD Magazine came out today, and NO, the cover is not of Alfred E. Neuman as a Na'vi. That would have been the perfect picture for the cover, seeing as every cover is of Alfred E. as a different thing (i.e, Jack Sparrow, Darth Maul, Gollum, a homeless guy, Batman, Rorschach, etc). Even I had five bucks down on it. Instead, it was just some crap picture of Alfred wearing an 'I love Obama' shirt.

Speaking of MAD, I am incredibly depressed. MAD recently switched to a once-every-three-months basis, and now that I've read the new one cover to cover (three times), I have nothing to look forward to for a whole frickin' three months (besides the end of school- YEAH!) The only thing to think about now is when the monthly issue of Funny Times will come or when The Week will come, well, duh, WEEKLY!

As I was saying earlier, I wrote about fifty limericks in class today, which were unfortunately eaten by The Swamp. Some were about my friends, some about my enemies (I enjoyed writing those most), and some were just random. I've posted some of my favorites on FunnyTimes.com for the Annual Limerick Contest. To see all the 'toons I've done, follow the following link:

All cartoons by me

Now, before you click on that (which I really hope you didn't), I need to explain something to you. Funny Times is an international newspaper that has a website that you can create your own cartoons on (to create your own cartoon, click HERE). However, me and some other Funny Times users have been using it kinda like a social networking site, communicating to each other using cartoons. For my 'toons, I show myself as a geeky social leper with incredibly thick glasses and a bad haircut named 'Elephant Man'. I don't know why I called myself that, but it'll haunt me forever. And for the record, I don't look anything like that. I am a lean, mean, fighting machine.

Anyway, some other 'tooners who also use fake names (such as cta, Ellie May, Eric Per1in, Rick Dickulous, Danger Dan, Sophie, and Yankees With Hope) have been collaborating and creating contests, talking to each other, and having a great time. Here's the premise:

The 'tooners I just listed have mostly been around much longer than me. Here are their 'tooning amounts and when they began:

Me: Sometime in September, 112 pages of cartoons (five cartoons per page).

cta: Longer than anyone can remember, 214 pages of cartoons.

Eric Per1in: Started sometime after cta, but more pages (a result of having too much free time). 233 pages.

Sophie: Since who knows when, Unknown amount of cartoons.

Danger Dan: Since about December, 25 pages of cartoons.

Ellie May: Since about 2008, 64 pages of cartoons. IMPORTANT NOTE: Her husband, aka The Hubster, also appears in some cartoons.

Rick Dickulous: Just started 'tooning about a week ago, five pages of cartoons!

Just Bean: Bean has been around for quite a while, but switched his/her name from 'Queen Bean' to 'Just Bean' a few months ago.

More on the premise: These are the CURRENT 'tooners. Some retired 'tooners include:

CIAgent

Mr. Smartypants

Konrad Schwoerke (who just recently quit)

Claustrophobic (who recently came back! Whoooo!)

Smush (who also recently came back! Whoooo!)

and Ducky.

Even more on the premise: Some idiots under the name 'Anonymous' have been clogging up the website with mindless drivel, such as people standing there saying things like 'poopie'. Anonymous is the automatic name the site gives you if you don't enter a codename into the 'create your own cartoon' page. The 'tooners have united against the Anonymouses, and we have declared all-out war.

WOW, this is a long blog, but Funny Times is complicated. There's also a lot more to tell, like how to create things that aren't on the playground using available elements, and how to write underneath the panels, and how to publish your cartoon and Editor's Picks and cartoon series and bad puns and silliness and how to spot a disguised 'Anonymous' cartoon and...

Oh, what the hell. Just read all my cartoons from back to front. You'll get the picture (kinda).

Bye!

P.S.--- If cta, Sophie, Ellie May, or anyone else is reading this blog, thanks! I need the hits!

The Grim Veeper

Hi-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! Wow, for the first time ever, the beginning of one of my blogs has been recognized by this computer's spellcheck. Yay.

I was getting tired of talking about my alternate pen name persona that I use to create cartoons on Funny Times' Website, Elephant Man. By the way, the new issue of Funny Times arrived today, and I'm in it again. So, anyway, here's a picture of everyone's favorite idiot, Elephant Man.

I don't know if you can, but you might be able to click on this and make it bigger.

Also, I created another published cartoon, available to see on Funny Times' Cartoon Playground Editor's Picks (links in previous blogs), or in the latest issue of FT.

Also, I can't ignore the near-destruction of Haiti any longer. I wanted to talk about this earlier, but I couldn't come up with a funny 'play on words' title with either the words 'Haiti', 'earthquake', or 'Pat Robinson'. Wow, that dude's a d***. So, anyway, donate to the red cross NOW to help the newly-destroyed Haiti.

And finally, my official candidate for 2012 is my cat, P-nut Purrkins. I think our foreign relations will fall into line when all the world leaders realize I could just send P-nut to gnaw their ankles off, leave a hairball in their bed, or (shudder) put some pebbles from his kitty litter in their VCR. That was a nightmare to clean out. So that means Mr. Purrkins will definitely help us with our shaky relations with Kim Jong Il, aka 'Kimmie'. On a positive side for Kim,

P-nut's cat litter will at least make good padding for his platform shoes.

And now, I'm presenting the first use of my feature, I'M USING THAT TOPIC OF INTEREST AGAIN AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, SUCKER!!! As you recall, I only use this after I've made a TOPIC OF INTEREST about a subject, and made a second feature called YES, IT'S THAT TOPIC OF INTEREST AGAIN about it. So this is the third time I've used global warming as a TOPIC OF INTEREST.

So, I just got the latest issue of Funny Times, like I said, and on the cover is a very provocative picture. Some guy is talking about global warming, and he says 'Yeah, but what if it's all a hoax and we create a better planet for nothing?' This is a very good point. It doesn't even matter what stage global warming is in, creating a better planet is something we should do anyway. Why SHOULDN'T we make better schools? Why SHOULDN'T we make a better environment? Here's your homework assignment for the day: Go up to a Republican and ask them that. I bet they won't have anything near a good answer.

Bye!!!

Read 'em and Veep

YELLO SMELLO JELLO!!! Sorry, that was random. But I am on a mission to begin all my blogs a different way, so that was today's.

So, the dorks in my Egypt study group couldn't make me do the !@#$%^-ing Egyptian dance, so now I don't need to use Dude, where's my dignity? again soon, so that was a major victory in the fight against dickishness. As I think I've said before, I have declared war on dickishness. If it makes you prudes in my audience feel better, call it dorkishness.

Anyway, 2012 is coming closer every day, which means that I'll need a formidable running mate if I'm going to lose with dignity. I run for election every four years, even though I'm only 12. For my 2012 campaign, I'm considering my cat, P-nut. Some other candidates are:

-Jambread, the cockroach who lives under our sink.

-Anyone from my legion of friends, including my best friend, second best friend, and friend who ate a chunk of wasabi and barfed it all up screaming 'HOSANNA BANANA!!!'

-Roland, the fat kid down my street.

-Elephant Man, my Funny Times persona.

-Or maybe Biff, this blog's college intern who just turned four months old.

So, I'll turn this into a survey and see who I'll run with in 2012.

You may have noticed that I've added a 'Search This Blog' feature on my homepage. For those of you who are a) Amish, b) Mentally unstable,

or c) Person who still uses a '97 PC, here's how to use it.

Type in one of my blog's features like 'Topic of Interest' or 'Better Know a Cartoonist'. It'll come up with all the blogs with those features. You could also type in a phrase like 'Star Trek' or 'Wow, my eye is twitching', and it'll show you all the blogs I've made with those words in them. Click on 'More Results' to see all results on the WWW, or World Wide Web.

And finally, I've begun making every blog title a play on words or a clever saying (i.e., Read 'em and Veep, Is our Children Learning, so forth). I don't know why, but I think hours upon hours of watching Stephan Colbert and Jon Stewart is rubbing off on me.

Bye!

Shoplifting...

QWERTYUIOP!!! Hi, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog! I just returned from a terrible experience, trying to redeem my gift certificates and return some shmuff I got for Christmas. I won't elaborate.

Okay, I will.

I tried to buy a DVD of Watchmen: The Movie. When I opened it, there was nothing inside. How shmuff. Someone had stolen it. And then we had to wait in a massive line to return it and get a refund. Oh, and then we tried to return something at Kohl's and got in the wrong line. I hate people. They are so evil.

I hit my 250th cartoon on Funny Times. Click HERE to visit Funny Times' Cartoon Playground and create some cartoons of your own using some of Matt Wuerker's click and drag drawings.

Also, today's feature is one I haven't used in a while: ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT! As you remember, just highlight the following blank space to see the spoilers. If you don't want to see spoilers to Sherlock Holmes: The Movie, then just skip it. Here we go: ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT!

The Sherlock Holmes Movie gets 8 1/2 out of ten stars. It was shmuffing good. The only bad thing is that Moriarty doesn't get too much of a role. But it was set up for a sequel when Moriarty stole part of Blackwood's cyanide machine. As it turns out, Blackwood never used any magic. It was all a big scam to get put in power, like McCain choosing Sarah Palin.

There you go. This was a short blog, but what are you gonna do?

Bye!

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Hey, follower people! This is Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, a cartoon by me. Read it. Love it.

This is the shortest blog ever written.

Bye!!!

Is Our Global Warming Waning?

LUMPENHEIMEN!!! Wow, the computer's spellcheck recognizes that word! I had no idea!

Everyone, I've been sick for a couple days now, and I think I have some catching up to do on some things you may have missed.

First off, celebrated Funny Times cartoonist Eric Per1in has now made over 1,000 cartoons! Yeah, Eric! For those of you who don't remember, Funny Times is a newspaper devoted to cartoons and suchlike. It also has a website where you can make cartoons yourself. Eric Per1in is the first cartoonist to hit 1,000, so as a tribute to him, here's a link to his homepage on Funny Times.com.

Click HERE to see all of Eric Per1in's cartoons.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: We don't have a rat problem! utkfgouILGHiughUOUOUO> Sorry, a rat just ran across my keyboard.

Speaking of Funny Times, I am the 4th most prolific Funny Times cartoonist ever, after Eric Per1in, cta, and Elliemay. Other cartoonists include Konrad Schwoerke, Danger Dan, Yankees With Hope, and Sophie.

To see all of my Funny Times cartoons, click HERE. My pseudonym is Elephant Man. And no, I'm not a Republican. It's secretly ironic.

Also, I recently wrote a GREAT cartoon called the 'Funny Times Macarena', sung to the tune of the classic Spanish song, 'The Macarena'. My version includes brief, rhyming blurbs about the Funny Times cartoonists mentioned above.

And now, it's time to advance the ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!! I now have two days left until school ends, but Friday doesn't count, so it's really only one (on Friday we get to have a CHRISTMAS party). Also, I have to run an ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN correction. Last time I blogged, I said I had five days of school left until winter break. But since I was sick for two of those days, it was actually only three. We now return to our regularly scheduled ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN, already in progress...

Only 7 days until I get to open my first present, and 8 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!! Whoooooo!!!!! As I've explained before, our tradition is to open one present on CHRISTMAS EVE.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is the climate change summit in Copenhagen. Everyone, you should know that I believe fullheartedly in Global Warming. In fact, I believe in it so much, I use made-up words to prove my point. So even if some jackhole scientist was holding a cigarette lighter to the thermometer, I think Global Warming exists. It's just not as bad as we thought. Which brings me to Copenhagen, where the world overlords... I mean, leaders, are busy trying to figure out whether or not to save the planet. It's a difficult decision, so I am presenting THE PROS AND CONS OF GLOBAL WARMING RESPONSE. First off, doing nothing. The cons: By the year 2100, one million more species will be extinct, up to five billion people will suffer water shortage, Africa will be too hot to support life, 200 million people will lose their homes because of a three-foot water level increase, heat strokes and similar deaths will increase, and chunks of New York City will flood. On the pros, you get to keep driving your Hummer.

The pros of enacting strict fuel emissions laws: Nearly 600 million lives will be spared, species dependent on the ice caps, such as polar bears and walruses, will survive, and you can still go on an African safari. On the con side, you have to turn your Hummer over to your nearest cash for clunkers dealer.

I hope this helped you, world muckity-mucks. I'll blog you soon.

The Miracle Mile

You do your crumpin' in the morning! Hello, crazy insane people! As you recall, I am trying to begin each blog a different way, so this was today's. Of course, I essentially begin all of them the same way, in the sense that: 1: I do something random, and 2: I then explain it this very way. Oh, snap.

I have a new blog feature: I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!!! This week's is: The Miracle Mile. The Miracle Mile is a mile where every block ends with a red light. Over on the east coast, The Miracle Mile is a rumor. But over here on the west coast, we know better.

The Miracle Mile exists. Don't think for a second it doesn't. In fact, it's not even so much of a miracle. If it is, it's the only miracle I've had in my life so far, because I'm only 12, and I've beaten that insane mile 6 times over. Two of those times were consecutive. So... miracle? I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!!! The answer is no. The Miracle Mile is no amazing thing. It's still hecka hard to navigate through, but I've done it too many times for it to be considered a miracle.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: There are three kinds of people in the world: people who are good at math, and people who aren't.

I have begun a VERY epic undertaking on Funny Times.com. For those of you who have short-term memories, Funny Times is a newspaper completely devoted to things that relate to hilarity. On their site, you can create your own cartoon, which I have done about 185 times over under the pen name of Elephant Man (no, I'm not a Republican. It's secretly ironic).

Anyway, in my new series, Elephant Man joins the army by accident. Check it out by clicking HERE.

Bye!

Mmmmm... Link-ability

Kapowzit! Hellooooooooo, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog, and therefore obviously have too much time on their hands!!! Today's blog is mostly links to other awesome sites besides this one, so here you are:

Click HERE to access Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki.

Click HERE to access The Daily Show's website.

Click HERE to access the magic that is the fake newscaster 'Uncle Jay'.

Click HERE to access a wonderful online game called Robokill.

Click HERE to access the Funny Times cartoon playground, and click HERE to see all the cartoons I've done.

Click HERE to play Endless War 3, a beautiful game where you shoot random guys until you win.

Click HERE to access the Simpsons Wikipedia.

Visit all these sites, or I'll cut your car's hood off and put it in your bed.

I recently realized that I never finished uploading my poem, Rush Hour, onto this blog. Therefore, I made it into a series of 3 Funny Times cartoons. Click on the sixth link to find it. Unfortunately for you, I'm constantly doing cartoons, so visit the link fast to see it!!!

Bye!

FTCP- Bonzai!!!

Greetings, people of Earth! Take me to your internet... BECAUSE I JUST GOT 3 CARTOONS ON THE FUNNY TIMES EDITORS PICKS (making a grand total of 5), I GOT FT TO FIX A GLITCH ON THEIR SITE (with the help of another FT cartoonist named Konrad Schwoerke), AND ANOTHER FT CARTOONIST BY THE NAME OF CTA GAVE ME AND KONRAD AN AWARD FOR DOING IT!!! OH, I'M SO AWESOME! MAINLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY KEYBOARD OF 'CAPS LOCK' FOR 5 1/2 LINES OF WRITING! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!

The Funny Times Cartoon Playground had a major glitch. Another cartoonist, codenamed Konrad Schwoerke, made a cartoon telling the FTCP people about it. I saw the cartoon, tried out the glitch, and Konrad was right.

With this glitch, you couldn't visit your 'all by this author' page, the page where you can see all the cartoons you've done. You couldn't tag a cartoon. And if you tried to search a tag, then it came up with a 'no cartoons found' message. So, expectedly, I was a little p***ed off.

I began making cartoons about the glitch. Eventually, when the FTCP people fixed it, another cartoonist gave me and Konrad an award. That cartoonist was cta, one of the best FTCP cartoonists EVER. He gave me and Konrad an award ceremony, and even put me and Konrad's likenesses in the cartoon. In one of my cartoons, me and Konrad fight over the award, and, oops, we break it.

Anyway, click on the following links to see either Elephant Man's (me), Konrad's, or cta's 'all by this author' page, in celebration of the destruction of the glitch. Bye!

All cartoons by Elephant Man

All cartoons by Konrad Schwoerke

All cartoons by cta

P.S.---- 3 more of my cartoons got onto the Editor's Picks page of FT! That means they're eligible to appear in the next Funny Times newspaper, coming to you on December 21, or 27, or 3. Okay, I don't know when it comes out, but click HERE to see the Editor's Picks page. The first 3 you come to that are made by Elephant Man are MINE! Woohoo!

Chase what matters: Chase Sapphire. Oh, $%^, you took over my title, too? Screw that!!!

Wsyurg. Helloooooo, children of the atom! Sorry, that was random. You see, I'm trying to start every one of my blogs a different way, so that was today's.

I have been working very, very, very hard on my Funny Times cartoons. As soon as I saw mine get published, I had to do it again. But lately I've realized: I never got paid, #$^& it!!! Now, the unfortunate thing is that I have no way of proving this. But, what the hell, I'll try anyway.

Oh, and I've started selling ad space on my blog. See?

Oh, and have you SEEN Chase Sapphire's #$%^ stupid new ad? What a sack of overgrown turds... fine. I have just been informed that ripping your sponsor is not politically correct---

YOUR AD HERE

@#$%^& that! Fine! I will stop selling ad space, beginning... NOW!

A contract is a contract. Seeya!

Holy Canoodles!!!

I will try to keep this as brief as possible.

My 'Classic Conversation Stoppers' cartoon on Funny Times website was published in Funny Times magazine. Elephant Man (my stage name) has now achieved feats of unthinkable awesomeness.

Oh, and my B-day's in 6 days. Yay me!

Click HERE to see my entire archive of Elephant Man cartoons, courtesy of Funny Times' website. Go F.T.!!!!

Click HERE to see the specific cartoon that was published (it's the second to last one on that page).

Click HERE to access the Funny Times official homepage.

Click HERE to access the Funny Times cartoon playground, where you can create and (maybe) publish your own cartoon.

And click HERE to play free 'Asteroids' online! (Sorry, that was random).

Funny Times

LAST DAY OF SUMMER VACATION-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!!!!!!!!! I am totally living it up today, seeing as it is the last loafing day. I watched a thousand Robot Chicken episodes (If you don't know what that is, here's a pic).

I am in a %&$^%# mood nonetheless, seeing as school starts tomorrow and there is a grand total of nothing I'm looking forward to. Worse yet, Mom insists I go on a bike ride.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is Funny Times. I used their website to create a TON of (if I do say so myself) hysterical cartoons. Click the link in my previous blog, then hit 'all by this author' on one of the Elephant Man cartoons. My personal favorite is when George Bush blows up Mt Dignity in his quest for oil.

I have a new feature to introduce: Dude, where's my dignity? I got the Idea from seeing Rod Blagojavich sing Elvis songs at a Chicago office party for money before introducing a Fabio impersonator. I could just cry. The Brain Tickler is: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Hint: nuns.

By the way, I figured out who was doing the hacking- Roland, the fat kid down the block. Apparently the Republicans put him up to it. He's inserting Republican Propaganda subliminally into blogs. Fortunately, I rigged his hacking system so that if he hacks, his computer automatically emails insults to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and Dick Cheney.

Keep in touch with the Funny Times website to see more of my cartoons. Bye!

How to stay Conservative in a Liberal US

How to stay Conservative in a Liberal US

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I MADE THIS CARTOON---- WOOHOO!!!!!