A Game of Me and Mouse

I was walking through the kitchen the other day when I found an Apple mouse lying on the counter. I didn't recognize it; it had a scrolling thingy. The only kinds I knew of were wireless with scrolling thingy and non-wireless without one. The annoying computer in my room has one without a scrolling thingy, and that has always annoyed me. That means that I have to pull the sidebar down when I want to scroll. But this one was different-- non-wireless WITH a scrolling thingy. I walked up to my dad and asked him what it was for.

Immediately, he put his hand over his eyes. "It WAS a birthday present", he said. I started going into laughing convulsions. It was hysterical. He just sat there, pondering the wonder of it all.

He had, apparently, not realized that I had the capability to look on the kitchen counter. He was wrong. Then he let me hook it up to my computer anyway. So essentially, I just scored a free mouse a week before my birthday.

This year, my parents have done a VERY bad job of hiding my presents. Just the other day, I got on the computer and found that mom had been looking at SimCity 4 discs for sale on Amazon.com. Ooop-syyyys.

I'm having a good week.

Bye!

Above: Old Below: New

Telemarketers: Human Hemrroids

I got another call from a telemarketer:

Me: Yo!

Telemarketer: Would you consider making a donation to the human fund?

Me: No, I'm sorry. A nuclear bomb went off, so that could be a problem.

TM: Uhh... okay... come again?

Me: Maybe we'll be able to donate when the radiation dies down and the evil wolf-bees stop swarming the fallout shelters.

TM: Is the the owner of the house?

Me: I like to think so (hangs up).

I have become the master of Parcheesi. I can shake the die, call out 'nine!', roll, and get it. We did a test-- I got what I wanted 16/30 times. Mom? Not so lucky. She got it 4/30 times.

This is no longer just a game... this is my religion. I can literally mentally manipulate the dice. Maybe that's why I just won five games in a row. Or maybe it's just because I always call the lucky tigers before anyone else. They end up being either the camels, the elephants, or the water buffalos. Here's the denomination:

Tigers-- rule. Just epicly rule. They've almost never lost a game. And one of those times they lost because we did a test: My mom was the tigers and I was the water buffalos. This tells you how good I am.

Elephants-- second best. Can usually win if the tigers aren't playing, but might be able to beat them on a really, really good day (and loaded die wouldn't hurt, still).

Camels-- third best. In other words, they could sometimes beat the elephants if the tigers weren't playing. Maybe

Water buffalos-- suck. Just suck. They've only won once (see above). They just suck so bad, I can't even comprehend it. It's insane. I don't know what little green pieces of plastic shaped like water buffalos don't have that little red pieces of plastic shaped like tigers do. But whatever it is, it obviously makes a huge difference.

Bye!

Now Hear This

I had the funniest day today. It all started in science, when one of my classmates invented a new way to remember the cell mitosis process (Interphase, Prophase, Metaphase, Anaphase, Telophase, and Cytokinesis, or IPMATC). He found that it could also stand for 'I Peed on the MAT, SEE?'

I have geniuses in my class.

Below is the best doormat EVER.

Then in connections, we were sitting there reading (that's what connections is for. It's a 20-minute part of the day where you read or do homework. Things are strange here in Marin) when we realized that the intercom was making weird noises. We crowded around, and we realized that we could hear people talking!

Obviously, this was a breakthrough, but we weren't sure if we were hearing the class next door to us (the walls are thin) or the office. I, being the daring public servant I am, volunteered to go to the office and say 'Hey, we're out of paper clips. Could we have a pack?' The office ladies lumbered around, finally finding a pack of paper clips that were remotely useable. Then they started arguing about whose paper clips they were. I excused myself, with the paper clips. When I got back, the entire class was practically on the floor laughing. They had heard the whole thing.

This is what I occupy my time with.

Look-Alikes

Is it just me, or do all these symbols look startlingly similar?

Sorry for the messed-up format, but this had to be said.

Wait... all those companies and/or campaigns with logos like that did well (Studebaker, Obama's Presidential Campaign, Korean Air, Pepsi. Okay, MOSTLY well). That means that maybe I should tap into that interesting subliminal consumer mindset...

Let me introduce to you... a new Vertco off-brand that I like to call...

Americar.

Americar: The most patriotic type of car money can buy (namely $32,568 for the Americar Baltimore). Find an Americar dealership soon to be set up near your friendly neighborhood Vertco dealer.

Wow, profits just went up 34%.

Bye!

Okay, What Just Happened?

I was in Big Five the other day when someone ran in and yelled 'Hey, did you know there's an unconscious guy in your parking lot???' Apparently, the subject misjudged the distance between the ground and the floor of his Toyota FJ Cruiser. He was bleeding all over the place when the paramedics came.

I've had so many interesting experiences.

Oh, and WHAT is this thing supposed to be? A Japanese Hummer? If I didn't know better, I'd say that guy should sue Toyota. The public would definitely be on his side.

OH MY GOD...

I need to get in touch with that guy. For a twelve (soon to be thirteen) year old, I'm surprisingly good at suing people!

Bye!

Knox one out of the Park

Yo, people who are wasting their time reading a blog by a cynical 12-year old! I just had a great idea that, incidentally, occurred to me while watching Goldfinger.

GOLD-FINGAAAH!!! Sorry, but the lawyers said that if I mentioned that movie, I had to do that.

Anyway, I realized that over half the country's gold is just sitting there. So why haven't there been more break-ins? Someone needs to look into that. If it's human nature to steal rich, shiny things, maybe there HAVE been a billion break-ins and we just don't know it!

I doubt that, though. That would mean that we had more money than we thought. And that's not possible.

Bye!

Unfortunately

I just had the funniest conversation with a telemarketer:

Me: Yello!

TM: Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the Foundation for Socialist Leopards. Is a Mr. Panucci there?

Me: Oh, um... Mr. Panucci isn't with us anymore.

TM: Really?

Me: Yep. He died. Last week. Got hit by a blimp.

TM: Oh. Well, the FSL sends its complete condolences. You've suffered a terrible loss.

Me: No, actually, we're pretty happy about it. (hangs up).

At this point I was laughing hysterically.

Oh, and there is no such thing as the FSL. I made it up for the purpose of this blog, since I couldn't remember the actual foundation he was representing.

I turned in the freakiest story ever. We were supposed to write and illustrate a little kid's story using the words 'fortunately' and 'unfortunately'. IE, Fortunately, we got to go to the zoo! Unfortunately, the car broke down.

In mine, a guy named Diego Tutweiller (who in the illustrations looks a lot like me) joins the CIA and goes on a mission to a remote country called the Republic of Turdistan.

Then aliens invade and destroy the entire planet.

Oh, and if you think you're better than me at Tetris, let me ask you this:

Have you gotten 16,299 points at it? 'Cause I have. And it was FUUUUUN.

Eat it, kid.

BYE!!!

Tetris

I had the greatest idea.

A movie about construction workers whose job is to place colored blocks in certain formations.

Tetris: The Movie. You know who would make an incredibly convincing upright block? Keanu Reeves. It's the role he was born to play.

OOOOOHHHH... falling purple squares...

That's the interesting thing about video games. Back in the eighties, video games had no point. It was just PLAY PLAY PLAY until you ran out of lives. Tetris, Pacman, Frogger--- they were all unbeatable. The only way to 'win' was to get onto the high scores. Nowadays, we have games like Call of Duty and Halo that, though they last for hours and hours, end definitively. Maybe my generation demands more rewards for our effort, instead of having the name "Cheese Taco" representing you on slot 84 on the Pong game at Mario's Pizzeria.

I don't know what's wrong with us.

Bye!