New Crap II...

Heyo, non-loyal followers! I've made some major changes to the G-Force layout in the hopes of spiking some new hits this month (see my previous post, The Twinkie Defense). I added a calendar for those of you who don't know what day it is, some fish (OH MY GOD FISH), and of course, a new header!

Yep, it's almost 2013, and you all know what that means! Well, actually, you probably don't. But it means it's time to unveil my new, hand-drawn title for G-Force! Check this baby out!

Yes, it's pretty parkour. The Soviet Russia-style letterhead, the Official Vertco Seal of Approval, the flattering drawings of me and my cat, P-nut... it all works. At least, until 2014, when I'll get bored with THIS one and draw another. Maybe I'll do the next one in color... nah, too much effort.

In the background, you can see assorted crap from my junk drawer, or as I call it, DISTRICT NINE. Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of secrets in District Nine. There's a bunch of assorted aviators, a rubber chicken, a lava lamp, a knife concealed inside a refrigerator magnet (don't ask), a jumbo-size whoopee cushion, an Olmec Indian mask, a few dozen broken watches, and some masking tape. 

So, that's it for now. Check back in about a year. Then again, if the world ends in 2012, I won't be blogging again any time soon. Still, that's a nice suit I'm wearing in the picture. And if anyone wants to give me feedback, positive, negative, or otherwise, please say something in the comments... which have been going unused for quite some time now.

Bye!

Super Bowling...

THEY WOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Greenbay defeated the Steelers! I'm so happy, I could jump off a cliff. In a good way.

This means I get to go laugh in the face of everyone who supported Pittsburgh. The suckers. I laugh. Ha, ha.

But more importantly, the winner of this year's SUPER AD BOWL!!! This year, a 30-second ad cost five million dollars. There were a lot of finalists, including several Chevy ads and a few for Budweiser. But one stood out above all the others. Only one could rival the Doritos® ad from last year and the infamous talking babies! And the winner is...

Coca-Cola, for their spectacular border guard ad! I am now pleased to present the Vertco Official Trophy for Excellence in Advertising! Here you go, Coke people!

Last year, Doritos® won with their unbelievable ninja Doritos® assault ad. Google it and go to videos, or follow THIS link to my 2010 blog about the Superbowl and the Super Ad Bowl.

Bye!

Brace Yourselves...

You know what I hate? Dentists. I don't know why I should trust these shady creeps with my teeth. I'm sure half of the stuff they stick in your mouth is just for fun. They want to see how many gadgets they can shove down your throat before you say 'Okay, REALLY?' If we didn't do that, they might shove in a golf ball or something. Then they probably go into a back room and have a big laugh about it with all their dentist buddies. The turds. I despise each and every one of them.

Hence, I had to get braces yesterday. I fought like Rocky Balboa in Rocky I, though. And they deserved it. I took those air jets and shoved them up their nostrils. Suckers.

Anyway, off that topic. It annoys me. Something I'm REALLY looking forward to, though, is Sudan splitting in half! This year, we may have a brand-new country on our hands. A vote is going through on whether or not to split the largest nation in Africa into two parts. This is FANTASTIC news. The more countries there are, the better Vertco does. We buy put options on all the stocks of the new country, triggering a credit downgrade and instant bankruptcy! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am evil.

Also, this new country needs a name, and since 'South Sudan' doesn't sound so good, I decided to submit some names of my own. TELL me this doesn't sound like a perfect name for a country: Maramast. It's beautiful. And if that doesn't work, how about Thioshinia? I practically have a dictionary in my head full of great ideas for country names. How about Hyporia? Maybe Iostaccia? So, all I'm asking is for 16 million dollars to be mailed right to me, and 'South Sudan' can have all the rights and royalties to a patented Vertco country name! Maybe Sorraj? Troiesque? Phiforia? OOH! OOH! I know! Turdistan!

Anyway, I defy anyone to come up with a better name than one of those. They're perfect. So I suggest that South Sudan buys one before some other country with a crappy name buys it first. Yeah, I'm looking at YOU, Moldova. You too, San Marino.

And the chaos continues in Northern Africa and the Middle East. Syria has shut down its citizen's internet connection, there are stirrings in Morocco and Jordan, and Algeria is freaking out as well. By the way, Jordan? You may need a name change. How about Arasachra? Kind of just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? ARASACHRA. Nice.

Bye!

Randumb

My friend Ben has something we like to call 'Evil Twisted Ben-o Logic'. He can use this to warp any social situation to his favor. Like, when he says that I didn't make up 'Sayonara, Capybara', he means that obviously somewhere, someone else must have thought that up. Of course, that's true, but that's like saying 'George Lucas didn't make up the word 'Jedi' because sometime before him, there must have been a mention of the word Jedi as a name for some remote African tribe or something'. True, yes, but that doesn't mean he ripped them off. Hence the term 'Evil Twisted Ben-o Logic'.

Time for the unveiling of a new Vertco off-brand! The Orb Motor Corporation is here! And now for the first Orb vehicles off the rack!

First, the Orb Proxy AE!

Then, the Orb Republic!

And finally, the Orb Samurai Roadster!

These cars will change Vertco forever. They are safe, cool, and affordable. And, if I may, they kick the ass of any other car in their class in production right now. Thank you very much.

Bye!

The Fate of The Union

I listened to Barry O's speech last night, which was his second SOTU (State of the Union. Try to keep up with the acronyms). Amazingly enough, both Democrats and Republicans actually INTERMINGLED and sat next to each other, much like the boy-girl-boy seating arrangements in San Anselmo Kindergartens. They didn't rig each other's seats with enormous whoopee cushions, they refrained from wearing nose clips, and were able to shut their pie holes and not yell 'You Lie' this time! I'm so proud of them! Joe Wilson is a douche!

In other Obama-related news, some guy has published a book called 'O' under an anonymous name. In it, he depicts a fictional 2012 election between presidential candidates in which the parallels to Obama are staggeringly familiar. Somehow, he was able to get away with never mentioning Barry O by name, but everyone pretty much got the idea.

Now, because no one knows who did this, I can easily guess who was responsible. Think for a second. The writing was awful, it didn't show Obama's namesake in a very good light, and it seems to be a pretty conniving and despicable thing to do.

Which means it was Glenn Beck. DUUH. But no one will listen to me. In fact, even I have been accused of writing this. However, the Vertco Publishing Corporation LTD is only responsible for publishing 'Leon Meowy', the story of a small persian cat who's always getting his owner into crazy misadventures. Oh, and we also published 'War and Peace'.

Here's a pic of the book 'O'.

If I had done this, I would have been MUCH more creative with the cover. Or maybe that was just to throw you off the trail... you'll never know!!!

Also, you may have noticed that I am on a first name basis with the president, or as I call him, Barry O. This is because I attended his beer summit (where I, being 13, drank club soda), and later his slurpee summit. No word yet on his moonshine summit or his cranberry juice summit, but I appreciate all the publicity. I only started that internet rumor in my spare time! I had no idea it would be picked up by MSNBC!

On that note, Sayonara, Capybara!

Who Killed The Wind-Powered Car?

'Sup, people who need a more fuel efficient car! I just saw the documentary "Who Killed the Electric Car" in science class, and it even further convinced me that Vertco needs some more fuel-efficient cars. Apparently, GM marketed a car called the Saturn EV, which was all-electric. The oil companies, however, put enormous pressure on GM and the other automakers to withdraw the cars from production. So eventually, GM had to repossess all the EVs, along with all of the Th!nk electric vehicles marketed by Ford, and the Toyota Rav-4 electric. It's unbelievable that something like that could happen. So now I'm worried that they'll target Vertco next.

As you may or may not recall, Vertco has a massive amount of AE cars. There's the Vertco Miubi, the Vertco Eruption, the Vertco Geode, the Vertco Skid, and the Vertco Wind. Here's some pics:

From top to bottom: Vertco Miubi, Vertco Skid, Vertco Incoming, and Vertco Eruption.

Anyway, that's why I'm investing my entire life's savings of $16.35 in the Vertco Electric Car Program, or VECP. I wish that spelled something.

Orders for the Vertco electric cars are pouring in, so order yours today and you might have a chance of getting one in the next 22 years. BP, I'll see you in HELL!!!

Sayonara, Capybara!

Dumb and Hummer

I don't know about you, but this is about as dumb a thing as I can imagine:

Hummers are the biggest gas-guzzling machines ever. I can't tell you how incredibly stupid it is to own one. They get practically 10 miles to the gallon, have numerous blind spots, are so large that they endanger other drivers, and can sometimes take up two parking spaces.

This is why I've taken to a little ritual: Whenever a Hummer drives by, I roll down the window of our Volvo, stick my head out and yell 'BOOOOO!!! HUMMER!!!!'

Fortunately, Hummer is out of business, and you don't see too many of the things anymore. Maybe one a week. This is one of those rare cases where the tree-huggers triumphed: cars. Every day, you hear about new, incredible innovations in car-making technology: Green cars, electric cars, hybrid cars (my favorite of which is the Chevy Volt). Boo. Hummer.

So, being the awesome person I am, I have been trying to convince my dad to trade in our 1994 Isuzu Trooper, the gas milage of which is probably hovering around the 12 mark, by the way. There are so many alternatives now, it's scary. Which is why I've invented...

The wind-powered car.

Seen here attached to an old Mini Cooper, my wind power system will make crude oil a thing of the past. We just might have some problems going through tunnels.

Bye!

Wikileaking

I was reading up on the whole Wikileaks thing, and I think it's hysterical. This one dude, using only the internet and a few contacts, has brought the entire national defense network to its knees. If only I could get the guys at Vertco (my incredibly awesome company) to do something like that. Hmmm...

This Assange guy, the Wikileaks founder, is awesome. He revealed numerous diplomatic cables sent among the US government. The cables describe exactly what the US thinks of other countries. Here is an actual quote from a cable sent by the US UN representative:

"This is the fifth time this week that I've come back to my special UN mini-fridge and found that SOMEbody has stolen my chocolate pudding cups. I suspect the representative from Monaco. He's always licking his fingers right after lunchtime, and I know for a FACT he doesn't have any finger-licking foods in his lunch. This guy's a sleazeball."

For more information, click HERE to visit Wikipedia's page on the cable leaks. Now, you'll notice I'm DELIBERATELY not providing the link to Wikileaks. This blog does not condone the kind of behavior expressed by Assange and his little gang of psychotic whackjobs...

Okay, fine. Click HERE to access Wikileak's main page.

Oh, wait... the page won't load. Hmmm. I wonder why that is... because of evil people

Uh, duuuuuuh. Gee, I wonder. Maybe it was the government? Naaaaaw, that would be STUPID.

Bye!

Look-Alikes

Is it just me, or do all these symbols look startlingly similar?

Sorry for the messed-up format, but this had to be said.

Wait... all those companies and/or campaigns with logos like that did well (Studebaker, Obama's Presidential Campaign, Korean Air, Pepsi. Okay, MOSTLY well). That means that maybe I should tap into that interesting subliminal consumer mindset...

Let me introduce to you... a new Vertco off-brand that I like to call...

Americar.

Americar: The most patriotic type of car money can buy (namely $32,568 for the Americar Baltimore). Find an Americar dealership soon to be set up near your friendly neighborhood Vertco dealer.

Wow, profits just went up 34%.

Bye!

How to Run a Company (Take it from the pros)

Greetings, greetings, greetings and salutations. Today I will be instructing you on how to run your company. But first, you must take a short quiz to see if you really are CEO material.

Question 1: Would you rather pay your employees with money or banana peels?

The correct answer was banana peels.

Question 2: You're watching TV. You see a story about poverty in a 3rd world country. Do you think:

A) I will spend my life helping these people.

B) That's awful.

C) What a great place to open a polluting factory where workers are paid minimum wage!!!

The correct answer was C.

Question 3: Would you rather have a health care plan for your company or an endless supply of workers to replace the fallen?

The correct answer was an endless supply of workers.

Did you answer any of those wrong? Yes? Congratulations! You've just been fired by the guy who answered correctly.

If not, keep reading.

First, you need a product. Don't start out too big, begin with something like laundry detergents and work your way up. That's what I did with my company, Vertco (which now makes cars. Whoo!)

Find a niche, and work it to your advantage. If necessary, take out a massive bank loan and buy out your competition.

Second, work up a slogan and an ad campaign. Don't be too original; work with what has been proven to be an effective sales method.

But to successfully market your product, you need a demographic. Who are you trying to reach? One-legged Albanian blind men? Great! Find out what they like to see in an ad! If you're shooting for the mid-life crisis group, make the ad look edgy (Red Bull, Nike, Jeep). If you think your valued customers would rather like comfort, make everything in the ad look soft and inviting (Lexus, Dove, Laz-e-boy). Does buying your product make you patriotic? Does it make you a veritable magnet for the opposite gender? Incorporate everything you can into that! Hula dancers, the Australian outback, and maybe a few American flags.

If you're working for Starbucks, skip the next paragraph.

Third, get your product out there! Put up stores, get it on the shelves, draw up billboards. Tip for the billboards: Don't use too much red; the drivers will think of those crappy Verizon ads and charge like a bull.

Fourth, deny EVERYTHING. If your laundry detergent is filled with acid, if your car's gas pedals stick (Toyota only), if your energy drinks explode, don't admit anything. If you must, pay off the people who are suing you out of court. Don't let the media catch anything.

Congrats! You are now qualified to run a company (into a ditch). Bye!

This is a PERFECT ad.

Vertco: Apparently a Meat-Packing Company

I just did the funniest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

As I said before, we're about to go up to Lassen, so I had to call ahead to the Safeway up there to see if they had any dry ice for our cooler (we're bringing hot dogs-- YEAH!). Here's the dialogue of the phone call.

Automated message: Hello. Thank you for calling your Safeway friends in Red Bluff, California. If you need to speak to our deli department, press one. For our floral section, press two. For our meats section, press three. For our fireplace and camping section, press four.

Me: (presses four)

Actual person: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: (in bad french accent) Hello, my name is Claude Deuxvisage. I have a large shipment of meat to bring up into Red Bluff for my company, Vertco. I was wondering if you had any dry ice for me to use as preservatives.

Actual person: Are you french?

Me: (still in bad french accent) Oui, madame.

Actual person: Well, hold on a second, I'll see what I can do for you.

(waiting music)

Another person: Hello, Mr. Deuxvisage?

Me: Oui.

Person: Yes, we do have dry ice here. Is there anything else?

Me: Oui. Do you have any large butcher's knives or surplus body bags?

Person: What?

Me: Goodbye.

That was incredibly fun. By the way, 'deuxvisage' is french for two-face.

Oh, and I saw T2 last night, it was AWESOME!!! That liquid metal guy is incredible. I need to ask the guys at Vertco to see if they can't build one of those.

Bye!

CLAUDE DEUXVISAGE

A House is not a Home Without a Rubber Chicken

I have decided that rubber chickens are truly the epitome of human technological engineering. How they turn those chickens into rubber is a mystery to me. Scary.

We just went to San Fransisco and, as per China Town law, I bought a rubber chicken. These things are the greatest piece of rubber ever to be pumped out of the manufacturing plants in Beijing. And now, I've started the Vertco Plastic & Rubber Crap Division! WOOOHOOO! More Benjamins, please!

And now, THE MOST EVIL COMPANY EVER is marketing a certain type of South African noisemaker as a party favor...

VUVUZELAS!!!

Aaah, yes, the most annoying 'music' maker ever has returned! At your 5-year-old's next birthday, just buy a pack of these babies! There's nothing like hearing five little kids blare out a loud, droning sound that resembles a swarm of angry bees! Have fun! And, if you want to find the company that started the vuvuzela craze in America, look no further than Vertco: The Most Evil Company Ever.

Bye!

Vertco: The Most Evil Company. Ever.

I HAVE VERY BIG NEWS!!! I have started the most evil company ever to exist on the face of the Earth. It's called Vertco, and it has already conquered several competitors.

Vertco is a conglomerate. I've divided it into seven main divisions: Vertco Motors, Vertco Technologies, Vertco Waste Disposal Systems, Vertco Military Supplies, Vertco Intel, Vertco Pharmaceuticals, and VP: Vertco Petroleum. These divisions also own several other companies, such as Akimbo Motors, Silencer Co, Androidtech, Atoll Motors, Yeah! Programs, Chiskon Motors, and Securico. I have amassed a small empire by convincing numerous people at my school to work for Vertco.

It was all going so well until someone asked me what Vertco actually DOES.

Oh, well. Too bad.

I've tried to get some products, but my dad won't agree to co-sign a loan for me to take over IBM. I also tried to make some cars, such as the Vertco Minotaur and the Vertco Stadium, but I never got past the blueprint phase. On the plus side, I finally figured out how to draw cars. Whoo!

But, since everyone seems to want some actual tangible worth, I now present... THE VERTCO LINE OF CARS!!!

The Vertco Minotaur!!!

The Vertco Stadium!

The Vertco Patton!

The Vertco Arasachra!

The Vertco Default!

The Vertco Caribou!

And the Vertco Torque! (Sorry for the size of this image, I had no choice).

Those are all the Vertco cars! Ta-daaah! By the way, any similarities between the Vertco cars shown here and other cars (e.g. Scion xBs, VW Touaregs, Isuzu Troopers, Porsche Cayennes, that sorta thing) is entirely coincidental.

Bye!