You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

The Stan With the Plan

So, here's a thing: Apparently, Kazakhstan has decided that they're finished with being a stan and want to change their name. According to the president of Kazakhstan, the suffix "stan" has gained a negative connotation over the years, because the neighboring countries of Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzstan are riddled with poverty and caked in mud, while Pakistan and Afghanistan are famously war-torn and may or may not harbor known terrorists. Kazakhstan is the most economically developed nation out of the seven stans, and they want to change.

THIS. IS. BULL. The Seven Stans have been my favorite group of countries for quite some time now. It's difficult to decide on a favorite, but I'd have to say Uzbekistan because of its quirky personality and the fact that they put a record twelve stars next to their Islamic crescent on their flag. Nearly everything these poverty-stricken nations have done together has been a truly seamless blend of many different styles of violence, chaos, and semi-rusted Soviet tanks. So in memory of the Stans, let's think back through their impressive discography.

Although many say that the definitive work of the Stans has to be the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, I personally find that the best moments of this great group came when individual Stans took the wheel and gave us their own #1 hits. The megalomaniac dictator Niyazov of Turkmenistan is truly one of the world's all-time best dictators, but unfortunately millions of people have yet to hear of this lesser-known human rights tragedy (despite pleas from thousands of Turks who urged the international community to really consider checking it out). Today, most people consider this to be one of the most underrated dictatorships in world history, but some still claim to "Not understand it" and never return to it again. Tasteless Americans.



I liked them before they went mainstream.

Then there's the ultimate Stan moment in my opinion, when the Stans first came together right as the Cold War ended-- a situation that immediately created Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan. Man, what a great group. There's Kazakhstan, the leader. Uzbekistan, the popular one. Turkmenistan, the cute one. Tajikistan, the quirky one. And Kyrgyzstan, the quiet one. Bringing in Pakistan and Afghanistan for a few sets really rounds out their atrocities, I think. But all this would not have happened if Russia hadn't stopped oppressing them and started letting them oppress themselves for a change.

I mourn the disillusion of this spectacular arrangement of extremely talented nations. Fortunately though, all is not lost. If Kazakhstan bows out, the other Stans will undoubtedly pick up the pieces only to blow them to smithereens once again. It's totally lame that Kazakhstan has now become "too cool" for them, but hell, I never liked Kazakhstan that much anyway. Maybe this will allow Kazakhstan to expand and grow as a nation, even releasing some solo works to build on what it accomplished with the other Stans. And the fab four that are left over have been hinting at possibly performing some smaller atrocities and genocides at unannounced locations in the region.

Bye!