You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

DAY TWO: Crater Lake

Hey, remember yesterday when I talked about stupid amusement park rides in Vallejo? Today, some woman in Texas literally flew off a rollercoaster and splattered all over the place. Now, without casting assumptions on this tragedy, the woman in question was very, very obese. So it's my professional opinion that the seatbelt equipment just couldn't wrap around her girth enough to secure her safely.

Anyway, time to talk about DAY TWO OF MY CRATER LAKE TRIP! On day two, my dad and I drove for an hour or so into Crater Lake National Park, and it was epic. On the drive, you go past an enormous canyon, then into the park itself, where you wind your way up a long and curvy road to the top. And that's where Crater Lake is. Here's a pic.

That's me standing at the barrier wall at the rim of the lake. Behind me is a good 1,000-foot drop, essentially straight down. The picture does not quite do this thing justice; it's the bluest and deepest lake I've ever seen. In fact, it's the deepest natural freshwater lake in the US.

After seeing the lake, we drove to the pinnacles, which are highly reminiscent of another one of my vacation destinations (click HERE for the old, old blog posts about the SoCal Pinnacles). Anyway, they were pretty cool, but the best part of the minor geographical features of the area would have to be the Phantom Ship.
















The Phantom Ship is an outcropping of rock at the edge of the lake. It's shaped like a really creepy ship (hence the name). Not much to say about it really, except that it's pretty friggin' awesome. It looks like the Flying Dutchman from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Anyway, we drove around the rim of the lake a little and laughed at fat Minnesotan tourists sweating while trying to hoof it up hills, tiny hills, mounds, and speed bumps. We then drove back to the hotel, had some dinner (which included two instances of extreme violence and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead, In Bruges fans will get it), and went to bed. And thus begins day three...

Bye!

DAY ONE: The Drive

I'm back from my long-ass trip to Crater Lake, and I have a series of pictures that will dull your mind and bore you to death! To avoid this, I will just post the pics that are actually taken well, not the ones that are just taken by a douche with a $300 Canon who thinks he's Ansel f**king Adams.

My dad and I traveled 350-odd miles from San Anselmo to Klamath Falls, Oregon, stopping only to stretch and pick up a $5 copy of Blade Runner from a gas station. It was a grueling six-hour drive, and we were numb by the end. But holy shit-- I can't feel bad for myself after driving through backwater town after backwater town in Northern California.

We begin our tour of regional shitholes in Vallejo. Vallejo is famous for:
1) Smelling like dead fish.
2) Being host to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, along with hundreds of puking tourists who were too poor for Disneyworld.
3) Rows and rows of identical houses.
4) Several distinct types of sludge runoff. Here's a pic.

This is the lush and varied landscape of Vallejo. Vallejo is known as the "City of Opportunity," as long as that opportunity is the chance of getting abducted by a white van and waking up in a bathtub filled with ice, missing one of your kidneys. Vallejo is also home to competitive eater Joey Chestnut. In other words, the place is a shithole.

Continuing north, we hit the charming Yolo County. Yolo County is famous for having the same name as a dumbass Millennial chant, and being the ultimate tourist destination for people who enjoy staring at vast and unwavering clumps of dirt. After Yolo County, we came to a series of identical mud-farming towns, and finally ended up in Shasta County and the town of Weed.

Weed and San Francisco: One-stop-shopping. Anyway, we made our way across the border and into Midland, a nice out-of-the-way place to pick up a hitchhiker who is secretly an axe murderer and will cut your jugular vein the first chance he gets. After meandering through Klamath Falls a bit, we finally made our way to the hotel, which was basically a safe haven for rich people with golfing addictions. Then we watched In Bruges. "YOU'RE AN INANIMATE F**KING OBJECT!!!"

Anyway, that was my first day of vacation. Driving, plus more driving, plus the occasional stop in a crappy town, plus a little more driving. Stay tuned for my posts about days 2, 3, and 4!

Bye!

TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY

HEEEY, IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY! AMERICA! F**K YEAAAAAAAA! Yes, on this historic day, The Declaration of Independence was signed (even though every signature was not collected on July 4th). Still, it's a great holiday. I watched National Treasure to get me in the spirit of American history, and then sat down for Independence Day, Roland Emmerich's greatest film and the greatest disaster movie ever made. For my full list of the best all-American July 4th movies, click HERE.

And it's a good day for America in more ways than one. In fact, it's been a good few weeks. Because the Supreme Court, in one of the most randomly intelligent decisions they have ever made, has overturned DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) and allowed for federal recognition of gay marriage for the first time in US history.

I know, I know-- I'm a little late on this one. Frankly, I'm enjoying my summer just a bit too much, and I've been watching movies endlessly into the night. So my usual blogging schedule has been thrown off drastically. I think this happens every summer, though... but who gives a shit. Apparently, I can take any news story and make it about me. So, GAYS CAN GAY MARRY! PRAISE THE LAWD! And now we can finally put to bed this long and utterly pointless conversation so that Republicans can stop delaying the inevitable and get on the right side of history... right?

WRONG. Within minutes of this story being reported, those f**king nuts were at it, screaming at the TV, in the streets, and on their radio shows. But screw them, they're bigoted assholes. This is not a time to cater to the crazy people of the land.



Yep, you would fall quite comfortably in that category, Rush.

Anyway, this is a big step forward for civil rights around the world. In fact, France recently legalized gay marriage as well. Of course, people took to the streets there and essentially 'stormed the Bastille' in hopes of ending la menace gay. But you know what they say. C'est la vie.

In other news, I'm getting ready to go on a trip to Oregon, during which I will visit Crater Lake, lava beds, and an enormous f**king swimming pool. This shall be a much-needed getaway. I've heard it's amazing; as long as you can get your indecisive and religiously cheap dad to decide on where to stay and what to eat while you're up there. Ten bucks says he eats nothing but salmon the entire trip.

Bye!

Pinnacles 2012

I've been very demotivated all week, so I haven't gotten around to posting about my trip to the Pinnacles. So, here is my trip... IN ONE PICTURE!!!

Aaaah, those great American dirt farmers, doing their part to help out our wonderful country... Jesus Christ. Look at that place.

Central California is, apparently, just as flat and mind-numbing as the Midwest. The plus side about California is that OUR crappy towns don't have bogus tourist attractions like 'World's Largest Ball of Twine', in a feeble yet desperate attempt to lure stupid people to our towns. I want my $65 BACK, you sod-sucking grit-eating SCAMMERS!

I have to go back to school tomorrow, meaning that tonight I'm going to have some fun watching The Daily Show before I slit my wrists. If that doesn't work, I'll gouge out my eyes with a power drill.

On that happy note, bye!

The Biggest Earth-Budge Ever

The end of the world is coming.

It's all over. Every single living thing on Earth will tumble into a fiery pit of death, doom, and destruction. Trees will emit a gas that makes humans kill each other randomly. People's faces shall melt off of their skulls like water off a duck's back. Molten lava will burst out of the crust of the Earth, setting fire to all of mankind and its knowledge. The core of the Earth will then implode, sending fissures all over the surface, finally culminating in a massive explosion seen only from space as the miniature blip in the universe that Earth was!!!

In other words, I went back to school five days ago. This is not a joke: All my favorite teachers are f***ing GONE!!! Our crazy PE teacher, our ridiculous science teacher, the spanish teacher, the colorblind math teacher, the OTHER science teacher--- POOF. All gone.

And these new people scare me. I'm not even going to get into this. The way I see it is that all the previous school years were just goofing the hell off, but 8th grade is when all the teachers get together and say 'HOLY LIVING F***! THESE KIDS ARE ABOUT TO GO INTO HIGH SCHOOL!!!' So they start to panic and cram every last bit of information they have down our throats.

But it's Friday afternoon. I don't even want to THINK about school. Let's talk about what I've missed in the days I haven't blogged.

Item #1) There was an 'earthquake' on the east coast. It was horrendous. Sidewalks cracked. Lawn chairs toppled (see below). People ACTUALLY WENT ON WITH THEIR LIVES!!!

Forget the massive 7.9 that devastated San Francisco (the best city ever) back in 1906. Or the handful of 8.0 magnitude quakes that have hit Chile, Haiti, and Japan over the past year. THIS requires our attention.

Item #2) I got back from my three-day trip to Mammoth Lakes, Yosemite, and Mono Lake two weeks ago (but I still haven't blogged about it). All I can say about that trip is this: Mono Lake looks like the surface of the moon, REM is awesome, altitude sickness is not good, when hotel pillows say 'no allergies' they don't mean it, and the brakes on a Volvo S40 don't function well on a 90˚ incline.

Really, that's all I can say. The government won't let me reveal anything else.

Oh, and unscramble the letters in Mono? MOON. Coincidence? Yes.

Item #3) Michelle Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll using the foolproof tactic of paying for votes and having the only air conditioner in all of Iowa. Oh, and she also had a petting zoo.

Yaaay.

All this means is that Bachmann has officially been chosen as the GOP's nominee. It doesn't mean she's beaten Obama.... yet. Because as we all know, the Aimes, Iowa Straw Poll has an uncanny history of predicting presidents. It totally called Pat Robertson's win over George Bush, and it also chose other presidents such as Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, and President Mitt Romney.

Bye!