Don't Ask, Don't Tell: Evil Eye for the Queer Guy

Hello, and Yashooba. Now, first off, I want to talk about the thing that's been on everyone's mind for quite some time, and that's Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I've long said that gays and lesbians should get equal rights to marry and serve in the army. Of course, I'm not gay. NOT THAT THERE'D BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!! So, anyway, congress looks like it's going to keep Don't Ask, Don't Tell around a little longer. Nearly every Republican congressman agrees on this, proving beyond a shadow of doubt that our little Right friends have gotten a little asleep at the wheel. Isn't that right, John McCain?

"If someone comes to me with a bill that says to allow gays and lesbians to serve in the military, I will vote for that bill." -John McCain, 2006

"I don't think now is the time to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell." -John McCain, 2010

Yeah. There you go.

Next up is today's TOPIC OF INTEREST, and that's Tim Geithner. Tim is one of the few Democrats that I completely detest. To quote a recent-ish issue of The Week:

"Conservatives and Liberals rarely see eye to eye, but when it comes to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, they completely agree: they want him out of there."

Timmy is no better than his predecessor, Henry Paulson. But, I don't want to get to worked up over this, so here's my very mild propaganda:

GET THIS GUY!!!!!

Aaaaaahhh, I feel better already.

Everyone, it's been nearly a whole week since I asked the US government to give me a bailout. Let's check the official Cash Counter® and see how much dough I've accumulated.

The total comes to: $2.43!!!!! Whooooooooooooo!!!!! Yesssss! Break out the confetti, everyone, it's par-tay time! Spend rapidly! Woooo! Yeah!

Wait... that was just my allowance and the 43 cents I found on the ground.

Oh.

Well, forget it. I'm sure I'll get some more dough soon enough...

Bye!!!

Bail Me Out

Uppin! Hi, people who stumbled across this blog while surfing the web!!! This blog is gonna be short, so here's my TOPIC OF INTEREST: The Bank Bailouts.

Followers, ever since I started this blog, we here at G-Force have been short on cash. So here's what I want: 7 billion dollars in cold, hard cash from the U.S. government! We're so poor, our college intern Biff has been begging for rattles on the street. (He's only two)!!!

So, I need to announce some sad, sad layoffs here at G-Force_ratings. We have three people who we're chucking into the big, steamy vat of unemployment. The first to go is our feature designer and only zombie employee, Samantha Eatyourbrains. Next, The Joker, our senior image designer. And finally, we're cutting our demographic board down to only two. We're firing Wall-e. I know a lot of you wish we'd fired Jar Jar or Dr. Phil, but since Wall-e had only three fingers and couldn't type, he wasn't really a valuable employee.

Of course, now we need someone to replace them, so we're letting our chief writer, Bob 'Bananas' Roberts take over. He's been such a good sport about it, we're giving him a massive pay cut and a coupon for a free appendectomy. Go Bob!

And now, our new hire. I'm not so sure about this one. We're hiring '5-shot' Bob Selkowitz, an outspoken Republican winger. He's the host of our new feature, 'Why Liberals are destroying America in 25 words or less'. Like I said, I'm not so sure about this one, but we'll see how it works out...

Good news! So far, we've received a grand total of.... $0 OF MONEY FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT!!! WHOOOOO!!!!... wait... what was that number again? Zero?

Oh, snap.

Bye!

The first TOPIC OF INTEREST

Hi, people! I'd like to introduce a new feature: TOPIC OF INTEREST! Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is all those &%&%&^%$^)(* government bail-outs to those failed banks. They could simply fail on purpose and clean up. (not like mopping up, but making cash).

Well, my point is is that AIG could blow up in all our faces and become AAAAAAAIGGGGGG!!!

Speaking of which, I now have three new features: TOPIC OF INTEREST and MASTER PLAN are the first two. Yesterday we saw my MASTER PLAN FOR IRAN. Anything I can do to help out that country's elections. Oh, well, I hope it turns out all right... but that brings me to the third feature: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! Today we will be speaking of two wonderfully stupid dictators: Mahmud Ahkmudinujad (or whatever) and Kim Jong Il. Mahmud is a bit of a lunatic psycho and... uh... so is Kim, but the point is is that they really deserve each other: both rule with an iron fist, both are totalitarian dictators and both want to blow up you and me. Oh, and both belong in an insane asylum.

Smell ya later!