Lee Vining

I've just come back from my four-day trip to Mammoth Lakes, and I have something shocking to report:

The History Channel has gone down the tubes.

Seriously. I turned on the TV and on came Pawn Stars, some crappy show about a bunch of dumb hicks running a pawn shop in Las Vegas. The thing is, the show would have actually been okay if it hadn't been on the History Channel. On next was Ice Road Truckers, which was nothing but some guys with beards trying to drive in Alaska. You might as well have a show about Ice CREAM Truckers.

And then came the final insult: Ancient Aliens. It was just sad as f***. These people expect us to believe that the answer to every question in the world is 'aliens'. Greek mythology? Aliens. Jerusalem? Aliens. The Cuisinart Corporation? Aliens. It's sad. It's a sad, sad state of affairs.

Oh, yeah, and then there was the actual trip. Me and my dad visited this run-down little town called Bodie. It's been a ghost town since the 1930s.The only people who have lived there since then are some National Park workers who give tours and stuff. I was walking around looking at the old, decrepit buildings and poorly-maintained road when I realized something: This wasn't Bodie, the ghost town. It was Lee Vining, California, with a population of 398.

Lee Vining is named after Leroy Vining, one of the first people to accidentally shoot himself to death west of the Mississippi. It exists for two reasons: Yosemite Valley and Mono Lake, which sit on either side of the town. It is a popular stop for psychotic truckers and vengeful serial killers. The popular tourist attractions in Lee Vining are the Lee Vining Visitor's Center, the Mono Lake coast, and the Woah Nellie Deli, where the town's citizens procure most of their salted, cured meats.

Lee Vining used to be called Poverty Flats, but the name was changed after a focus group realized that 'Poverty' isn't really a tourism motivator. It was ranked number 3,422 in Time Magazine's Best Western Small Towns, which is quite an achievement, seeing as there were 3,423 candidates. For those of you wondering, it beat out Mono City, California, which is about 1/2 a mile away from it.

Phew. I am really mean to that town. But in all seriousness, it's kind of sad. You can't tell if it was named after Leroy Vining to honor him or as a punishment for being such a moron. And the scenery was good; we saw Lembert Dome, Mono Lake, Half Dome, and the Lee Vining High School, which has roughly 15 people enrolled in it.

Okay, I'm done.

Bye!

One last thing: Over half of the high schoolers in Lee Vining are over 45. And if you're reading this, and you're from Lee Vining, I can only say this:

GET. OUT.

Civil War Day

Oh my Jesus Christ lizard balls. I just had the most unbelievable school day ever today. All the 8th grade history classes are learning about The Civil War, so today we had Civil War Day, which SHOULD have been the crappiest day of the year. We had to dress up and act stuff out. It was stupid as f***.

But I should have had faith in the student body. My class was designated as the 54th Massachusetts Regiment, the first all-black fighting force in America. As soon as we found that out, the entire class realized we could do whatever we wanted to. And if someone told us to knock it the hell off, we could say "Oh, it's because we're black, right?"

In short the whole day was a disaster for the teachers and a success for the students. We pretended to screw up our right and left sides in the marching station. We yelled the lyrics to The Battle Hymn of the Republic in loud, monotone voices in the singalong station. We tried to steal the Civil War cannon recreation, and shouted annoying comments out during the flag-signaling station. Then I taught the others a different form of signaling: How to say various profanities in sign language.

The best part, however, would have to be when one of my friends (who actually IS black) decided to play the part of a confederate general. I won't get into details, but it was frickin' hysterical.

Lincoln would have been proud.

Bye!