Vermin Cain

CAUTION: CONTAINS COLORFUL LANGUAGE

If you watched The Daily Show a few nights ago, you may have caught a certain reference to one of my favorite countries. Jon Stewart played THIS clip of Herman Cain. In it, the interviewer asks Cain if he's ready for the 'gotcha' questions, such as 'Who's the president of Uzbekistan?' Cain then proceeds to say he doesn't know and doesn't care. Then he refers to the country as Uzbekibekistanstanstan. I have just one thing to say to him.

F*** you. I know, I know, I could have phrased that in a kinder way. But really, this is a massive disappointment. I keep trying as hard as I can to actually LIKE one of the Republican candidates, but they all just keep screwing themselves over. Over the past few polls, six different people, including Donald Trump, have led the Republican polls for president. Here's the breakdown of the major players:

Mitt Romney: If I had to choose one person to play a president in a movie, it would be Mitt Romney. If you opened up a box labeled 'PRESIDENT', Romney would be inside. It's too bad that his Romneycare has made him liked more by Democrats than Republicans. That's a no.

Michelle Bachmann: I was open to the idea of a Bachmann presidency up until I found out her husband runs a clinic that is supposed to 'de-gayify' gay people. No on Bachmann.

Rick Santorum: He seemed okay, up until I heard about his fanatical stance on abortion and his nutty napkin metaphors. Nope.

Rick Perry: Oh, yeah, we need another Texan governor as president.

Ron Paul: My personal choice for the Republican nomination up until he talked about health care, saying he would just let coma patients die.

Herman Cain: He seemed very promising, especially because it would prevent people from saying that only racists hate Obama. I was even willing to overlook his questionable qualifications (he was the CEO of Godfather's Pizza). But I'm sorry, Herman--- you've messed with the wrong Uzbekistan lover!!!

As you may remember, my goal a few months back was to get my blog read in a country that ends with 'stan'. I randomly picked Uzbekistan, and devoted an entire post to the famously unknown country, hoping some nice Uzbekistani would come across my blog. Well, Herman, Uzbekistan's president is ISLAM KARIMOV!!! Its capital is Tashkent, and it has a population of roughly 30,000,000 people!!!

I just rattled those facts off the top of my head. And because Uzbekistan read my blog twice after that, I am one of the Uzbekistani people's best friends! Oh, and by the way, Uzbekistan supplies the US with a massive amount of aid in the war on terror.

And many other Uzbekistan lovers have decided to speak up, as you may have seen in the comments on the aforementioned video.

So, Herman-- you just PISSED OFF millions of people in central Asia. I hope you're happy, you Uzbekistan-hating sonofabitch!

Bye!