The Grahammies!

Well, it's that time of year: Time to announce the awards for the Grahammies, my own personal awards for achievement in film! If you want to bone up on the nominees, click HERE for my post about The Artist and my personal Best Picture nominees! And the awards are:

For Best Director, we have...

Duncan Jones, for Source Code. Neil Burger, for Limitless. Jonathan Levine, for 50/50. Brett Ratner, for Tower Heist. And Greg Mottola for Paul. And the Grahammy goes to...

DUNCAN JONES, FOR SOURCE CODE! GIVE IT UP! WHOOOOOOO!!!! Note: Duncan Jones also directed the indie sci-fi thriller Moon. Rent it. NOW.

For Best Actress, we have...

Berenice Bejo, for The Artist. Marion Cotillard, for Contagion. Michelle Monaghan, for Source Code. Tea Leoni, for Tower Heist. And Zoe Saldana, for Colombiana. And the Grahammy goes to...

MICHELLE MONAGHAN, FOR SOURCE CODE! AWWWW YEAAAAAA!!! Michelle Monaghan was also in Eagle Eye, one of the Best Movies Ever®.

For Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart, for Twilight. Frieda Pinto, for Planet of the Apes. Penelope Cruz, for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Blake Lively for Green Lantern. And Rosie Huntington-Whitley for Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITLEY, FOR DARK OF THE MOON! Fun fact: This is the first year since 2009 that Kristen Stewart has not won Worst Actress. It's unbelievable-- three years in a ROW!

For Best Actor, we have...

Jake Gyllenhall, for Source Code. Simon Pegg, for Paul. Zach Galifanakis, for The Hangover: Part II. Eddie Murphy, for Tower Heist. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt, for 50/50. And the Grahammy goes to...

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, FOR 50/50!!! STEP ON UP!!! 50/50 is an epic movie, and Joe here was also in Inception, winner of my 2010 Best Visual Effects.

For Best Supporting Actor, we have...

Seth Rogen, for 50/50. Nick Frost, for Paul. Harrison Ford, for Cowboys and Aliens. Jeremy Renner, for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. And Andy Serkis, for Planet of the Apes. And the Grahammy goes to...

SETH ROGEN, FOR 50/50!!! LIKE A BOSS!!! Seth Rogen was also in Paul, Knocked Up, and Superbad, for those of you who want to see more movies with him.

For Worst Actor, we have...

Nicolas Cage, for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry. James Franco, for Planet of the Apes. Daniel Radcliffe, for Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2, Daniel Craig, for Cowboys and Aliens. And Shia Lebouf for Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

JAMES FRANCO! YES, JAMES FRANCO, who gives yet another one of his trademark deadpan performances in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the most mediocre film of the year.

For Best Original Screenplay, we have...

Source Code, 50/50, Contagion, Moneyball, and The Artist. And the Grahammy goes to...

SOURCE CODE!!! BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY!!! You know, I love how I'm announcing these like anyone gives a crap. Or like I didn't already know the winners when I made the list. Whatever.

For Best Sequel: The Hangover Part II, Ghost Protocol, Dark of the Moon, On Stranger Tides, and Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2. And the Grahammy goes to...

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL! BEAST MODE!!! Yes, Ghost Protocol beats out The Hangover: Part II for Best Sequel. I know I'll be getting both fan mail and hate mail for that one.

For Best Visual Effects, we have...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Paul, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

PAUL, FOR ITS AMAZING ALIEN ANIMATION TECHNIQUE!!! BOSS SAUCE!!! YESSS!!!

Really, if this blog post is getting old for you, just read re-runs. I don't blame you. But anyway, now for the moment(s) we've all been waiting for... THE BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!!!

For Worst Picture, the nominees are...

Green Lantern, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2, Cowboys and Aliens, and Hugo. And the Grahammy award for worst movie of all of 2011 goes to...

HUGO! YES, FOR ITS TERRIBLE PLOT, RECYCLED STORYLINE, AND ACTING SO BAD I COULD CRAP MY PANTS!!! YES!!! GIVE IT UP!!! APPRECIATE THE PURE BADNESS IT TAKES TO BEAT OUT GREEN LANTERN!!! YESSSSSS!!!

Now, before I continue, I would like you to know: This was my hardest decision. There were so many good movies this year, I just couldn't fit them all in. So, without further ado...

For Best Picture, the nominees are...

Source Code, Limitless, 50/50, Super 8, and Paul. I gave three of these movies 100% on my page on Rotten Tomatoes. This is really intense, but the Grahammy goes to...

SOURCE CODE!!! SOURCE CODE!!! SOURCE CODE!!! MY PERSONAL THIRD-FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!! EPIC WIN!!! EPIC!!!

Anyway, if you didn't enjoy the show, you can get your tickets refunded somewhere. All you have to do is print this page off, drive over to California, and tell me so (try and find me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!)

Bye!

<<< The winner, in all its glory.