A-Hole Foods: Inconvenience Stores

I know I said in my last post that all my next five posts would be Star Wars spoofs, but there is a problem that must be addressed: The growing number of pretentious, stuck-up jackass stores like Whole Foods or Good Earth. A Good Earth recently opened just a mile from my house in downtown Fairfax, and all hell has broken loose.

Stores like this make me sick. Instead of Cheetos they have 'Healthy Puffs'. They have a massive display of coconut water. And they have these things... I don't even know what the hell they're supposed to be. Can you figure it out?

Just what in the name of the holy Mary mother of God is that? Fractal broccoli? It looks like a f***ing POD PERSON! How in the hell are you supposed to eat that thing? By the way, if you think you can eat that, contact the Fear Factor headquarters at NBC, they'd like to have a word with you.

The worst part is that the gallon of milk we bought there cost seven--- SEVEN DOLLARS!!! How can you justify that? "Oh, the cow is bred free-range on a wide, 17-acre plot of land in the hills of Nevada. They are milked humanely yet efficiently, and die a happy, peaceful death surrounded by loved ones". GO DIE IN A HOLE!!!

The people who shop at places like that should all be sent to a remote island. There, they would run around the beach and farm for themselves, throwing pineapples at each other and complaining about lack of WiFi access. They are stuck-up, pretentious jerk-offs who think they're better than you because they eat organic crap-food and have 'moral fiber'.

HA! It's funny, 'cause I said 'fiber'. Get it? Because I'm talking about an ORGANIC FOOD store? No? Whatever.

Anyway, I need to stop blogging about this. My doctor said I shouldn't blog about stuff I hate more often than once a month. It gets my bile up and gives me a high possibility of a heart attack.

And I'm only 14.

Bye!