Hey, everyone! I will devote this entire blog with a continuation of yesterday's "My Life" story. Here we go:
December 6, 2003: Fled Uzbekistan after hiding in a cave with my two friends, Diego Tutweiller and Eric Funk.
December 7, 2003: Our plane lands in Mogadishu, Somalia.
January 4, 2004: Meet with Brad Stande, Louis Gomez, Jimmy "Fish head" Howitzer, Kyle Cobb, Diego Tutweiller, and Mike Placebo for business venture.
February 23, 2004: Begin business venture, begin smuggling looted air conditioners and dehumidifiers.
May 16, 2004: Brad Stande decides to back out, Gomez 'offs' him.
May 18, 2004: Scared out of his mind, Eric Funk catches a plane to Australia (he owes Gomez $27,000 from poker games).
July 4, 2004: Celebrate independence day. Watch the movie, meet Rocky Pinnacle for the first time.
September 13, 2004: Jimmy Howitzer leaves Mogadishu to become a security guard in Las Vegas.
December 4, 2004: Go on safari, accidentally kill some endangered animals, spend $8,000 smoothing it over with the Kenyan police.
February 17, 2005: Return to California, bring Mike Placebo and Diego Tutweiller with me.
March 7, 2005: Travel to France, meet Claude Deuxvisage for the first time. Later, I use his name to fool a Safeway employee.
June 2, 2005: Start Vertco, contact all my old associates to see if they want to get in on the action. The only responses are from Claude Deuxvisage, Diego Tutweiller, and Eric Funk.
June 18, 2005: Begin production of Vertco products. Our niche: Laundry Detergents. Little did I know at that time that it would mushroom into something MUUUCH bigger.
August 29, 2005: Hurricane Katrina hits Louisiana, I leave California again to assist with the disaster recovery. In the wreckage, I see Louis Gomez, who was on a boat in the Gulf when the hurricane hit. God, what a moron.
September 4, 2005: Rob Roberts, now a wealthy Wall Street executive, meets me in New Orleans. I joke "God, all they need now is an oil spill!"
November 12, 2005: Me and Gomez travel to France to meet with Claude Deuxvisage, who recently became rich off of the stock market. We ask him to help fund the disaster relief, but he tells us he didn't sell his stocks, lost all his money, and is now a street mime.
January 3, 2006: After spending New Years in France with Gomez and Deuxvisage, I go back to Louisiana, while Gomez returns to Bogata to continue smuggling drugs (I TOLD him not to!!!)
January 5, 2006: Gomez is arrested off the coast of Colombia.
March 18, 2006: Rocky Pinnacle leaves Louisiana and enlists in the army.
June 9, 2006: I go back to California, having spent $180,000 on disaster relief items: iPods, digital cameras, wifi, you know, the necessities!
June 10, 2006: Upon returning to California, I find out that Mike Placebo is in jail for land fraud.
July 23, 2006: Bob Roberts, Diego Tutweiller, and Eric Funk break Gomez out of jail in Colombia.
October 9, 2006: Burn down my house, claim the insurance money, and escape in a hail of gunfire.
November 24, 2006: Vertco, now one of the wealthiest companies on the stock exchange, makes the Fortune 500. To celebrate, we expand to cars and space technologies (I don't know WHERE that came from, I thought we made detergents) and acquire a few other companies.
January 6, 2007: I officially become a billionaire. To make sure my parents don't find out about all this, I order my minions not to sell Vertco products in the Bay Area.
April 2, 2007: Staying up late one night, me and Rob Roberts figure out how to stop global warming. I CAN'T TELL YOU, IT'S A SECRET!!!
September 4, 2007: I fly to Australia, where I run into Eric Funk, who now works at a gas station in the middle of the outback.
September 18, 2007: I leave Australia, land in the Cayman Islands to oversee work on a giant me-shaped island.
December 23, 2007: I begin preparations for my New Year's party. I unfortunately can't remember much about it.
March 1, 2008: I meet Rodney Eckstien and Brody Asbestos in a movie theatre. Eckstien is making a tape of the movie to bootleg.
March 30, 2008: Me and Kyle Cobb begin building a Vertco Satellite program.
May 14, 2009: I start this blog--- YAY!
July 12, 2008: I announce my presidential candidacy. I never had a hope in hell.
August 12, 2008: With cameras installed in every corner of the planet, we launch our robotic spy mechanism. We catch 8,000 criminals in one day, including Gomez.
September 16, 2008: Rodney Eckstien accepts a job as a mailman. As I recall, it was either that or bounty hunter.
November 13, 2008: Rocky Pinnacle accidentally launches a hellfire missile from a predator drone, ironically taking out a drug caravan run by, you guessed it, Gomez.
July 12, 2009: Business at Vertco is running smoothly. The satellite program, codenamed SPYGLASS, is able to wipe out an Al Qaeda ammo dump.
August 14, 2009: In trouble with the mob, Jimmy Howitzer is next seen being pulled out of a loaded cement mixer. He exits the hospital four days later with only a few minor injuries, telling reporters "They were very polite, for criminals".
September 16, 2009: Diego Tutweiller returns to Mogadishu to negotiate with the Somali pirates.
December 27, 2009: Jimmy Howitzer finds out that I'm only 12 years old. He had only talked with me over a cell phone before.
April 18, 2010: I visit a few offshore drilling rigs to see if I want to expand Vertco to oil drilling. On Deepwater Horizon, I push a few buttons. Nothing happens.
April 20, 2010: Deepwater Horizon explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, destroying the ecosystem and ruining thousands of lives.
May 12, 2010: I accept a secondary job at BP. Hey, I felt bad.
August 3, 2010: Gomez finally tracks down Eric Funk and tries to get his $27,000. I get Eric out of there using my private jet.
TA-DAAAH! The story of my life. TO BE CONTINUED...
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