It's all over. Every single living thing on Earth will tumble into a fiery pit of death, doom, and destruction. Trees will emit a gas that makes humans kill each other randomly. People's faces shall melt off of their skulls like water off a duck's back. Molten lava will burst out of the crust of the Earth, setting fire to all of mankind and its knowledge. The core of the Earth will then implode, sending fissures all over the surface, finally culminating in a massive explosion seen only from space as the miniature blip in the universe that Earth was!!!
In other words, I went back to school five days ago. This is not a joke: All my favorite teachers are f***ing GONE!!! Our crazy PE teacher, our ridiculous science teacher, the spanish teacher, the colorblind math teacher, the OTHER science teacher--- POOF. All gone.
And these new people scare me. I'm not even going to get into this. The way I see it is that all the previous school years were just goofing the hell off, but 8th grade is when all the teachers get together and say 'HOLY LIVING F***! THESE KIDS ARE ABOUT TO GO INTO HIGH SCHOOL!!!' So they start to panic and cram every last bit of information they have down our throats.
But it's Friday afternoon. I don't even want to THINK about school. Let's talk about what I've missed in the days I haven't blogged.
Item #1) There was an 'earthquake' on the east coast. It was horrendous. Sidewalks cracked. Lawn chairs toppled (see below). People ACTUALLY WENT ON WITH THEIR LIVES!!!
Forget the massive 7.9 that devastated San Francisco (the best city ever) back in 1906. Or the handful of 8.0 magnitude quakes that have hit Chile, Haiti, and Japan over the past year. THIS requires our attention.
Item #2) I got back from my three-day trip to Mammoth Lakes, Yosemite, and Mono Lake two weeks ago (but I still haven't blogged about it). All I can say about that trip is this: Mono Lake looks like the surface of the moon, REM is awesome, altitude sickness is not good, when hotel pillows say 'no allergies' they don't mean it, and the brakes on a Volvo S40 don't function well on a 90˚ incline.
Really, that's all I can say. The government won't let me reveal anything else.
Oh, and unscramble the letters in Mono? MOON. Coincidence? Yes.
Item #3) Michelle Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll using the foolproof tactic of paying for votes and having the only air conditioner in all of Iowa. Oh, and she also had a petting zoo.
Yaaay.
All this means is that Bachmann has officially been chosen as the GOP's nominee. It doesn't mean she's beaten Obama.... yet. Because as we all know, the Aimes, Iowa Straw Poll has an uncanny history of predicting presidents. It totally called Pat Robertson's win over George Bush, and it also chose other presidents such as Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, and President Mitt Romney.
Bye!
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