Amurika

Well, The Human Fund hasn't worked out nearly as well as I initially expected. As you remember, I was trying to get around my required community service for High School by creating a fake charity. I almost had the website ready for inspection, but it turns out that they check out all the charities to see if they're registered with the feds, and blah blah blah. So my parents made me go to a session of the 'Marin County Youth Court' to sit as a juror.

I can't disclose anything about the case, because it's illegal. But it was pretty f***ing boring. Fortunately, I didn't have to do any actual work, I just sat there and voted on the amount of community service time the defendant should get.

But on to other, more important things: it has been 236 years since July 4, 1776, and as per my yearly ritual, I will watch Independence Day tonight. My other rituals are Die Hard every Christmas, Raiders of the Lost Ark on my birthday, and The Big Lebowski every 4/20. But for those of you who may not have as much knowledge of movies as I do, here is my list of BEST ALL-AMERICAN FILMS TO WATCH ON JULY 4TH!!!

1) INDEPENDENCE DAY. No movie is nearly as patriotic as this one. The ultimate disaster movie, directed by that maestro of destruction, Ronald Emmerich. With Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum, thousands of alien attacks, and an over-the-top patriotic speech by the president before the aliens are attacked on Independence Day, this is the best f***ing movie ever.

2) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. Not as good as the original, which is also the best f***ing movie ever, but still worth watching. Stuff still explodes, the stunts are still awesome, and it all takes place on the Fourth of July. One difference, though: Bruce Willis shaved his head.

3) RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Forget what I said before: This is the best f***ing movie ever. Pretty much any movie with Nazis is going to be inherently American, but this one has Harrison Ford and the best car/horse chase scene of all time. A must-see.

4) A FEW GOOD MEN. You can't handle the truth! Eminently quotable, with Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore, and (to a lesser extent) Tom Cruise. Very patriotic, and will have you gripping your seat. Best f***ing movie ever. Graham Vert

5) CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER. This one actually has America right there in its title. And again, NAZIS! It came out on DVD a good while ago, so it shouldn't be sold out anywhere. And it has another good car chase scene. Best f***ing movie ever.

6) THE GREAT ESCAPE. My favorite war movie of all time. Steve McQueen as his usual, cocky self running around pissing off (you guessed it) NAZIS! Mayhem and death ensue, but it also is pretty funny. With great performances and a 2 1/2 hour running time, it truly is the best f***ing movie ever.

7) NATIONAL TREASURE. For those of you with little kids in your household, this is where you turn to. Not exactly a critically lauded movie (it stars Nicholas Cage and Justin Bartha), but it's really entertaining, and has a few good performances. Also, its theme is all about American history, and (spoiler alert) they end up stealing the Declaration of Independence. Best f***ing movie ever.

8) PATTON. I don't remember this movie very well, but what I do remember is awesome. Everyone calls it the best f***ing movie ever, so I'll have to take their word for it. And George Patton gives a speech in front of the American flag at the very beginning, too.

9) THE LOSERS. Dumb, dumb fun. It's freaking hysterical, and there are a lot of slow-motion scenes of the main characters walking in front of an American flag. Also, it has Chris Evans, Zoe Saldana, and Jeffery Dean Morgan. Best f***ing movie ever.

10) Let's end on a high note: ROCKY. Sylvester Stallone kicks ass and punches people, but he loses. Hmmm... not really a feel-good American movie, I guess. Whatever.

There you have it. Watch 'em all if you want. I own five of them anyway, so I definitely could. And if you hate my suggestion... well screw off. Most likely, it's the best f***ing movie of all time.

Bye!