The Week That Time Forgot

I haven't posted anything for five days, mainly because I was too wrapped up in how explosively BAD last week was. Rick Santorum won three states, I screwed myself over on my math test, my stupid group in history BOMBED my previously mentioned 'Dynamite' spoof, and I was taken on a boring, soul-crushing tour of the high school I'll be going to next year, which seems awful.

On top of that, I had to dress up as Boo goddamn Radley from 'To Kill a Mockingbird' for english class, I left a tupperware at school that seems to have been lost in space, and my revolt against my school was a complete dud.

It's pretty bad, m'kay?

Anyway, that's why I haven't been able to do much for a while. My weekend mostly consisted of going to see Chronicle again (yeah, it's that good) and dicking around on Minecraft, or as my dad calls it, Mindcrap™.

Recently I've noticed that anything said in a british accent with extremely complicated language is incredibly funny. Oh, I mean "Any sentence spoken or enunciated accompanied by a British accent and extraordinarily highfalutin adjectives is extraordinarily and understandably amusing".

By the way, whenever I have something written in italics, read it with a british accent. Like this:

Oh, William, you will tend to my topiary animals, won't you?

See, it's funny. And it's even better if you do it with song or movie titles. For instance, STAR WARS becomes Stellar Conflicts, and PRINCE OF PERSIA becomes Heir to the Patriarch's Throne of Modern-day Iran.

And movie QUOTES? Don't get me started. See if you can figure out which one I used for this: I say, the area that we are currently standing in is colloquially referred to as SPARTAAA!

Not bad.

Bye!

'Jefferson'

In my history class, we have a debate coming up between Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Yeah, I know it's stupid. We were supposed to treat it like a real debate, with signs and pins and posters.

And a song.

You see, I trust no one else on the planet but myself to write a decent song spoof, so I took the job. And it is a masterpiece. If you don't know the tune, click HERE for the Youtube video.

‘JEFFERSON’

An ingeniously crafted spoof on the song ‘Dynamite’.

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

I represent, sent, sent, sent

All the farmer’s rightful dissent, sent, sent, sent

Americans should be content, tent, tent, tent

Federalists should all repent, pent, pent, pent

This song goes on and on and on

And it goes on and on and OOOOON, yeaaah!

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

But we gonna fight right back

We gonna fight a ton

Because the president

Should be Tom Jefferson!

I came to send, send, send, send

The Federalists ‘round the bend, bend, bend, bend

The Constitution we defend, fend, fend, fend

Doesn’t want us to overspend, spend, spend, spend

This song goes on and on and on

And it goes on and on and OOOOON, yeaaah!

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

But we gonna fight right back

We gonna fight a ton

Because the president

Should be Tom Jefferson!

I’m gonna take ‘em all on

Federalists won’t know what hit ‘em

We will rule the world

Find one of them and get ‘em

America is awesome, and

America, it just wants it all

It just wants it all

My hands in the spacious skies

Hands in spacious skies,

Get your hands in the skyyyyy...

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

But we gonna fight right back

We gonna fight a ton

Because the president

Should be Tom Jefferson!

There you have it: My 'Dynamite' spoof, filled to the brim with pure awesome.

Bye!

Super Ad Bowl 2012

The Super Bowl was yesterday (but then you know that), and as usual, the 49ers weren't in it, so I didn't care. All I watched were the ads. The glorious, glorious ads that make up for the thousands of crappy commercials you have to sit through for the rest of the year. Almost.

Every year I pick the winner of the Super Ad Bowl, and this year's is... drumroll, please...

CHEVY!!! Step right up!!!

HERE is a link to the ad, which is pretty mind blow. It details the last survivors of the Mayan 2012 apocalypse, which wiped out everyone who didn't drive the most dependable truck on the road.

Now, I'd like to take this moment to say something else: Chevy is awesome, but not all car companies are (think back to my coverage of the SF car show). The second-worst car company of all time (nothing beats Toyota) is Honda. I would be fine with Honda as the company that makes watered-down Nissans, but this is going too far.

You see, just two weeks ago, I made a post detailing how to fake a sick day. Then, Honda rips me off, and EVEN GETS MATTHEW F***ING BRODERICK TO DO THE AD! Not only did it COMPLETELY steal my idea, but it also ruined one of the best movies ever.

Honda is officially going on my death list, along with Newt Gingrich, iguanas, and the entire nation of San Marino.

They know what they did.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Five: Jump on the Blandwagon

Nevada has gone to Romney, meaning that if one of the other candidates can't win one of the next four states (Maine, Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri), then Romney will definitely be the nominee. By the way, Gingrich isn't even ON the ballot in Missouri, so it could be difficult for him to win.

DUH.

I just wish South Park was airing right now. Matt Stone and Tre Parker would have so much fun with this...

Now, one of the main reasons Romney hasn't been fully elected as the nominee by now is because of his record at Bain, a company that, as I understand it, throws small businesses in a ring to battle it out. Whichever one is left standing gets 'financial aid' that results in bankruptcy.

Well, you can almost TELL the place is evil. The name in itself is both a Batman villain and a bounty hunter from the crappy Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV series. But I'm getting distracted.

Mitt Romney is living the high life right now. He's doing speeches and telling everyone to JUMP ON THE BLANDWAGON before it's too late. I really hope he IS the nominee. Actually, as a Democrat, I don't care WHO the nominee is. None of them can beat Obama. Not Gingrich, not Paul, not Santorum, and definitely not Romney.

They are all screwed.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Four: The Campaign-over

The Nevada primaries are today, and I'm not even going to TRY to call this one. I thought Ron Paul had Florida in the bag, because old people can really connect with an old person. But, I was way off the mark, so I'm going to sit this one out.

Which gives me time to talk about my new movie, The Campaign-over.

Yes, I photoshopped that myself, thank you very much. And it is beast mode. After a rough night of campaigning in Vegas, Romney, Gingrich, and Ron Paul wake up completely hung over, with no memory of what happened the night before. They find a baby (Rick Perry) in the hotel room safe, and a tiger (which belongs to Karl Rove) in the bathroom.

They can't find Rick Santorum, and spend hours searching for him. As the polls begin to come in, tensions rise among the group. Then Gingrich finds Santorum on the roof.

Fun fact: No matter HOW high they are, no one would ever marry Michelle Bachmann.

On their way to their respective campaign headquarters, the four make a pact to never speak of what happened again, as it could sink all their campaigns. Stay tuned for The Campaign-over Part II! Remember: What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Bangkok... let's just say it has something to do with the word 'Santorum'.

Actually, now that I think about it, Gingrich should be Phil and Romney should be Stu. But it's too late to change it; I'm not photoshopping that thing all over again. If you think about how long it took for me to make THIS crappy thing, imagine how long it would take for me to make one that was any good.

Bye!

Chronicle

There have been a lot of found-footage films (Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, Paranormal Activity, Apollo 18, The Devil Inside), but few of them reach the heights of the most recent addition to their ranks: Chronicle. I know I say this a lot, but it was the best movie ever. Of course, it wasn't, Raiders of the Lost Ark still holds that title, but it may make it into my top 20.

The basic plot was pretty simple: three friends find a sinkhole in the woods and go into it, finding a strange thingamajig that gives them telekinetic powers. My main problem with the movie was that we never find out what the hell the thing was, but that's kind of the point. If you want to see it, don't read past this point, 'cause it's SPOILER TIME!

It was pretty interesting to watch one of the characters turn to the dark side and start killing things. Up until then, though, was really the movie's finest part: the unbridled silliness of three guys throwing things around with their minds (as you can see from the poster). Things picked up when one of the guys, Steve, died when Andrew (the dark side guy) accidentally kills him with lightning. Oops.

Anyway, the final battle sequence gets pretty intense, so you should definitely go see it. My only problem with it is that the 'camera' advent gets a little tedious at times as the director tries to find new, inventive ways of putting cameras in the movie. We get to see the action from security store cameras, helicopter cameras, police car cameras, video cameras, and camcorders.

So: go see it. 8/10 stars. It is awesome, and you will laugh your ass off while simultaneously being freaked out.

Bye!

Occupy White Hill: Part II

My past two blog posts have been continuations of previous series, and I'm keeping the vein alive with this post. Many things have happened in the past week; Romney won Florida, we have six more weeks of winter, and I still haven't reported on the Italian cruise ship that ran aground, or its captain, who tripped and fell in a lifeboat. How convenient.

But something big has come up. My school has become increasingly byzantine. As you may or may not know, I'm about halfway through my eighth grade year. Ever since FOREVER, White Hill Middle School has let the eighth graders out five minutes early so there isn't a massive simultaneous rush to the buses. But as SOON AS I GOT TO EIGHTH GRADE, some f***it in the PTA decided to let the sixies (sixth graders) out early. What. The. Hell.

Then a week ago, the PE department declared that from now on, when running the weekly mile, you have to pick up a playing card on every lap. This is to make sure no one cuts a lap and ends up with a 4:15 time instead of a well-earned 7:11. But the people who hand out the cards on every pass are very bad at their job. I tried to take a card, but they dropped it. Twice. I took the liberty of deducting 15 seconds from my final time. No WAY I'm gonna walk away with a 7:49.

But today they pulled a big one. From now one, it is illegal to enter the locker hall between classes. Apparently, there were too many people in the hall one day and someone got smashed into a locker and someone else broke their arm. And you know what? I don't really care. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer. And apparently, you should have all your stuff with you all the time.

I actually don't have a locker. I put everything I need in my backpack, but soon they're going to MAKE us use lockers, or make us buy the locks from them, or some other dystopian socialist nightmare law that will ruin our lives even further.

This is why I plan on making flyers, signs, and posters, all demanding the immediate removal of our principal from power. It is time he stepped down. And seeing as I have already organized ONE riot at my elementary school (it's a long story), I think I can revolt pretty well.

Be warned.

Bye!