Liestrong

I just sat through a three-hour rendition of 'Waiting for Godot.' Why? Because MY MOM MADE ME GO. And I have to say, that play gave me CANCER. I had to drink a six-liter Pepsi and eat what I think may have been a marijuana brownie just to stay awake. So, if this blog post seeemes a litttttle unyooooshoooalllll, thenn pleasssse oob jabaffaobwv029qwf asbdcb;adf

Dude, my hands...... wow....

Anyway, the best part was when we went into the lobby and found a 'tree' made out of construction paper where you could write what YOU'RE waiting for. It doesn't make any sense, I know... but if you've seen the play, you'll get it. So of course, I wrote Die Hard 5, while my dad wrote the next Beatles album. At least mine was realistic.

But that's not why I've convened this emergency blog post tonight at... oh my God it's 11:10... but that's not why I'm doing this now. I recently have gotten word that a MAJOR celebrity has been using performance-enhancing drugs for years. Brace yourselves, people of the blogosphere--- because I am about to blow your F**KING MINDS.

Mitt Romney may have been using crazy-enhancing pills.

I know, I know... it's a sad, sad state of affairs. Of course, he probably wasn't the only one doing it, but that still means that the playing field wasn't level. Here we have people like Michelle Bachmann, who have trained at being crazy their whole lives, only to see them squandered by some DICK, who only won because he could afford better DRUGS. It SICKENS me.

.
Oh, yeah... you're SO proud of yourself, aren't you?

At the end of the day, I don't know what this means for those who supported Romney, but I personally want his title as crazy person of the year revoked. And I want him out of the Nutjob Hall of Fame (Located in Kentucky). AND I want his 'couple of Cadillacs' repossessed.

But really, who were we kidding? We were IDIOTS. There's no way Romney could have come up with such gems as "I'm running for office, for Pete's sake, I can't have illegals!" without using crazy-enhancing drugs of some kind. However, that's all behind us now--- maybe with a little more regulation, we can bring the sport of crazy back from the brink and give people like Newt Gingrich (who advocated a base on the moon) and Rick Santorum (who equivocated gay marriage to paper towels) the recognition that they deserve.

Of course, we still don't know for sure until Romney goes on Oprah and admits to it... but we all know. Nobody could have won that many crazy states--- South Carolina, Alabama, Texas--- without a little extra help. So, Mitt? Come out and FESS UP! Then maybe we can get back to the stuff that really matters. Like our sports.

Bye!

A Veritable Republicane

My birthday is tomorrow, just putting that out there. I hope some of my less-intelligent friends can refrain from telling everyone that they should sing the stupid birthday song. You see, my school is really spirited (which frustrates me), and they have their own birthday song which is ten times longer than the original. It's exhausting. So people, I don't want any big celebration tomorrow. Just presents. Lots and lots of presents.

My biggest and best birthday gift this year was, of course, Obama's re-election. I went out of my way to turn fate for the Democrats last night-- I saw a shooting star and wished for Obama's second term, and I turned back when a black cat walked across the road. Call me superstitious, but in an election year, every little bit helps.

Meanwhile, the Republicans are playing the blame game for who is responsible for Romney's loss. It'll be a few months before they stop, and their first victim is Chris Christie, New Jersey's governor and the guy who recently came out and commended the president for his efforts in the hurricane relief. I've hated Christie for a while, but, like Herman Cain, he seems to have redeemed himself. He's reached across party lines for the good of his state, which is something you rarely see these days. Kudos, Christie.


Right... anyhow, the Republicans aren't happy with what he said, and thought that he should have also commended Romney for his efforts in hurricane relief. And he probably would have, if he had done anything. Then again, Romney isn't necessarily in a position of power to try and help out. And we'll fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.

It looks as if my initial prediction was wrong: The hurricane actually helped Obama win. Now, you may have noticed that I haven't covered the hurricane so much, seeing as I'm an awesome rockin' Californian who's three hours behind you peons on the east coast. But I have no idea how to donate to the Red Cross via texting or whatever. I have not a clue how it works. You'd think that I, being an almost-15-year-old Californian, would have at least a mediocre grasp of technology, but no. So, people? Donate to the Red Cross via... something. That's all I got.

Bye!

Election Night, Part VI

A more fitting end to this campaign couldn't have been imagined. Romney has given his official concession speech after much deliberation and stalling, and it was just what I should have expected. I WANTED him to flip out and start crying, but no--- He acted almost relieved. It was like he had realized that he had no idea how to run a country, and he wanted it all to be over so he could go to bed.

Meanwhile, the Tea Party wing of the Republicans has cost them several Senate seats, leaving the majority still in the hands of the Democrats. The only victories for the Republicans tonight were the gubernatorial and representative races, which both ended in hefty Republican majorities. But you'll be pleased to hear that Todd Akin lost in a landslide after his 'legitimate rape' comments. I'm overjoyed.

There are probably a lot of Republicans who will start lambasting Romney for being too liberal, and decide to swing even FURTHER to the crazy right-wing. But that's not the case: As old, dumpy white guys from the south begin to either die out or stop voting, the Republicans will need to appeal to a broader group of people. Instead of trying to win over bible-toting, meth-cooking, trailer-living, gun-stockpiling, grit-eating, sodsucking, unshaven wife-beater wearing hicks from Alabama, they need to be more moderate. Instead, they need to win over the Prius-driving, ironic glasses-wearing, coffee-drinking, sushi-eating, laptop-using hipster west-coast techie liberals from Washington. It won't be easy, because they've identified themselves so far as the party of the previous persuasion, but in 100 years I wouldn't be surprised if the Republican party had an entirely different identity (or just didn't exist).


Oh, God, I'm so glad he isn't president. Just so f**king glad...

But until the Republicans can figure out what to do with themselves, it's going to be a rough few years. Even decades, if the right splits into two separate parties. Democrats, meanwhile, are more united than ever. Technically, I identify myself as a Democrat, but I would really love it if there were actually two valid choices between candidates. It would be great. But so far, I have rooted for the best candidate in every election, and it has consistently been a Democrat.

Obama's about to give his acceptance speech, but I don't care. I'm not staying up much longer anyway, and I can only imagine how bad the east coasters are feeling right now. It's 1:30 in the morning... Jesus H. Christ. Heyyy... what if the 'H' in Jesus' name stood for 'Hussein'? And while we're at it, has anyone seen Jesus' birth certificate? Noooooo!

All I can say is that I'm blown away, vindicated, and happily impressed with the American public. Some faith in humanity has been restored.

Bye!

Election Night, Part V

California has reported, and BIG SHOCK, we cast all 55 of our electoral votes for Obama. Obama has also won Hawaii, Washington state, and Wisconsin, meaning that he now leads 257-202. Obama now only needs Florida and Ohio to win an easy 290 electoral votes. He also leads in Colorado and Nevada, and has a good chance of re-taking a lead in Virginia.

I am not going to bed before Mitt F**king Romney concedes. I want to see him cry as he realizes that his ploy to take over our country didn't work. But I hate having to blog about this live, because I always fall behind. So much new data is coming in, I can't keep track of it all.

BREAKING NEWS!!! CNN has now called Ohio for Obama, meaning that he has won re-election. Suck on summa that, Romney. But CNN has been wrong before (cough, cough, 2000). I am confident in Florida as well, meaning that Romney's semi-substantial lead in Virginia means absolutely zilch.

This means that all that worrying, all that campaigning, all that commercial... ing... was for absolutely nothing. And it wasn't close. It was a whipping. Romney just got his ass handed to him on one of his family's silver platters. I can't wait for the footage of his wife's 'Couple of Cadillacs' being repossessed, and his dog taken into intensive treatment care for trauma.

I am floating on air. Just when you think humanity sucks, they do something like this. And just for that, Ohio, you are bumped 10 slots down on my list of crappiest states. Props to you.

Bye!

Election Night, Part IV

The race is still tight, but Obama's closing the gap. If he can win both Ohio and Florida (which he is on track to), he will almost definitely win the election. New Hampshire has finally given in and cast all four of its stupid electoral votes for Obama, and Nevada and Iowa look like they're going the president's way.

Meanwhile, Romney won Utah (big whoop) and is on track to win Montana, the stupidest state in the union. And again, although it looks like Romney is winning more STATES, the race is neck-and-neck in a rough 10-point spread. But Romney needs a 55+ electoral vote advantage to discount California's awesome, Republican-crushing power in every election.

I'm getting tired of having stupid election map graphics for my blog, so here's a picture of the God damn Batman:


The election is as close as it comes. But just you wait, Republicans. Your big lead has already had its chance. All the major Republican states have already been counted: Texas, Georgia, Louisiana, and the Northwest. Now it's time for some good old-fashioned West-Coast style badassery. Oregon, Washington, and California still need to vote, and the 47 electoral votes from Florida and Ohio that are leaning towards Obama still haven't been counted. I want Romney to be beaten into the ground.

Until 8:00, bye!

Election Night, Part III

I'll get right to the point: Romney is in the lead, but don't despair: The crushing blow that California always delivers to any election hasn't been tabulated yet. 55-yeah, FIFTY-F**KING-FIVE electoral votes. There's a reason why about 10% of the US population lives here. We're awesome.

Wyoming, the Dakotas, and all those crappy little red states have voted, meaning the map is now overflowing with red. But remember, Wyoming has the same number of votes as Rhode Island. The election map by population is far more intuitive:


You may remember this graphic from my previous posts. But this isn't an absolute: Romney looks like he might take Virginia and North Carolina. But the two biggest prizes tonight are Florida and Ohio, and Obama leads by a good amount of votes in both of them. Also, Romney has lost Massachusetts and Michigan, two blue states that he had a good chance of winning.

I never thought I'd say this, but I have faith in the people of Ohio. If any Ohioan happens to read this blog tonight, I'm counting on you: You can do this. Don't allow some plutocratic robot from a company-crushing machine step all over you. Show this asshole what America does to hypocrites.

Until 7:00, I'm watching more election results alternating with episodes of Futurama. It's a great god damn show. And for those of you who are still undecided, click THIS link.

Bye! (Until seven!)

Election Night, Part II

The results are pouring in for several states, and Obama is maintaining a slight lead over Romney with a 64-40 split of the votes. Of course, that's CNN's 'projection', so it could be anything from 0-104 for either candidate.

My personal electoral projections (which, unlike most other projections I make, I use math in) call the east coast race with Obama on top, but losing Virginia. Ohio and Florida will most likely go to Obama, with Romney taking all the stupid southern states. Factoring in that data, and the assumption that Obama wins California and Romney wins Texas, the race is now at 127 for Romney, 207 for Obama. That also factors in the assumptions that Obama takes New York and Illinois, where the race isn't even CLOSE.


This is Karl Rove's electoral map prediction, so it is almost undoubtedly wrong. But as polls continue to close, this race seems tighter than it ever should have been. The real irony is that, even with this map, Romney doesn't come out on top even after winning both Virginias, Florida, Nevada, Colorado, and leaving Ohio a toss-up.

But the real news as of right now is that no one knows what the F**K is going on. Florida has a slight Romney lead with only 54% of the vote counted. The amazing thing about CNN is that they actually call states with about 4% of the precincts reporting. It's amazing. I mean, sure, I just made a ton of calls for Obama and Romney, but does anyone REALLY think that Obama might lose California?

I love living here. Bye! At least... for about an hour.

Election Night, Part I

This needs to be a short blog post, because I have to head off to school in about seven minutes. The polling has begun in New Hampshire and the other, apparently less important eastern states. In some crappy little town in that godforsaken state, both Romney and Obama have gotten five votes each. Yeah. That's what counts as news these days.

All I can say to you is that if Romney wins, there is no justice in the world. He is a scumbag who doesn't even DESERVE to be president. If he wins, the GOP will once again have pulled the wool over our collective eyes and installed in the highest office in the nation a man who is so gut-wrenchingly incompetent, you wonder how he was even nominated.


Oh... right. Anyway, if this blog post changes the mind of a single undecided voter, I will have done my duty. Remember, people: This is the party of 'Don't ask, Don't tell', pro-lifism, George Bush, and Ted Nuget. Don't let this happen in your god damn country.

Bye!

Mitt Zomney VS Barack Undeada

I used to hate getting haircuts, but now I genuinely enjoy them. I go to this odd little SuperCuts in Montecito that seems to employ nobody but Koreans. I wonder if that's actually a necessity to work there. But it's an awesome place-- the only guy who isn't any good is 'Flock Of Seagulls Guy', who has the worst haircut of all time. Yeah, I'm gonna trust him with my hair.

I also got to use some of my favorite barber catch-phrases. Whenever a barber asks if I'm here for a haircut, I reply "No, I come to the barber to buy fresh biscuits and gravy. I see your selection is quite limited". And when they compliment me on my beautiful head of hair, I say "Thank you, I grow it myself".

Anyway, I haven't been able to blog recently, because frankly, I've had a very stressful week. My 100-point history project was due, my 500-point election video was due, I finished off my community service with a 7-hour spree of trail work, and to top it all, I broke my watch. So now I'm totally lost.

But I can't let something like that get in the way of the election. It's bearing down on us like a f**king locomotive. They say that the results might be so close that we may not find out who the real winner is until the 17th. It's horrific. Why does Romney even have a tiny chance over Obama? Have you people not listened to a WORD I've said? Don't answer that.

Oh, and it seems like the brief Zombie Apocalypse we had on Wednesday has finally ended. The total death count for me was 15--- yeah, that's right. I KILLED 15 ZOMBIES!!! I hope everyone has been holding up well. No word yet on how many are dead across the nation. But I have one question: Why were all the zombies carrying candy?

But it looks like it's over, so I won't be needing this graphic any time soon.


And the horror that was Hurricane Sandy finally lifted up, just in time for the New York Marathon. Unfortunately, they cancelled it anyway. It's a shame. Michael Phelps had a real chance. But Sandy may have had an entirely different impact: It may change the outcome of the election. With major cities like New York and Bayonne damaged almost irreparably, Obama might lose a considerable amount of votes. Which means we have a real horse race on our hands. So I'll be covering the election LIVE on Tuesday night. I'll probably end up writing three or four posts, but don't get your hopes up. I may write even MORE.

Bye!

Pollmaster General

A genius idea occurred to me in Science class today. We were sitting there, talking about other planets and why things weigh less or more on them, and it hit me: We should build a fat camp on the moon. Stupid fat people would go there, weigh themselves, and think that it had worked. It's an ingenious idea that would:

A) Move all the fat people to another planet.
B) Restore faith in our space program.
C) Make the US billions of dollars in revenue from stupid fat people trying to get skinny.

It's a foolproof plan. And the best part? We would keep them there for, like, a month. Then we would bring them back to Earth on a shuttle, and then they would realize that they had actually GAINED weight! Then they'd sign up for it again. It's a self-sustaining cycle of stupidity that could make us billionaires.


But I can't waste this entire blog post on a Moon Fat Camp, so I'll devote the rest of this mildly interesting post to something for more important: THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!!!

As you may know, recent polls have found that Obama and Romney are virtually tied in almost all of the major swing states, meaning that we now must face the small yet real statistical possibility of the presidential election being tied. No, that doesn't mean that it'll come down to one guy in Barn Muffin, Ohio. It means that the ELECTORAL COLLEGE, the retarded system that we still use to decide the outcome of elections, might be split evenly.

It'll take a perfectly even split: The overall electoral votes of every state is 538 (you'll notice that that's an even number). Therefore, the idea we've been rolling with for 200 years is false: An election will not always be decided immediately. 270 is the magic number for a national majority, and it means that whoever gets 270 electoral votes or more wins automatically. But we could have a 269-269 split, where neither candidate gets the presidency.

But wait, there's more! If that were to happen, the House of Representatives would vote on which candidate becomes president. There's just one problem. Instead of every Representative getting a vote, every STATE gets a vote. This means that, although the House is assembled by population number, Wyoming's single congressman would get the same number of votes as all of California's.

You can just see that, can't you? The idiot would walk up to a mirror and say "Well, thank you all for coming. Let's get started. As you know, we are required to vote on the President of the United States. All for Romney say 'aye'. AYE! Well, that was conclusive! Romney wins by a stunning 100%!"

That means that, just because of the arbitrary lines in the sand that represent the state's borders, the dozens of crappy, underpopulated red states would outvote the few, highly populated blue states. But in an even more complex scenario, consider this: There are 50 states. Which means that there could conceivably be YET ANOTHER TIE! In a horrific situation like this, the Speaker of the House would become 'acting president' until the chambers could get their s**t together.

And what would the senate be doing meanwhile, you ask? They get to vote on the VICE president. Meaning that we could end up with President Romney and Vice President Biden. I'm sure we'd get stuff done then! And, of course, there are 100 senators, meaning that there could be another tie.

If something like this DOES happen, there will only be one upside--- Maybe we'll finally get around to reforming the ludicrous 18th century processes we have in place right now. But until then, who cares!

Bye!

Reformers

I'm a little fearful for my safety right now. You see, my blog was just read in Albania for the first time, and it seems as if the obvious reason is my recent post about Taken 2. However, the translation might not be very good (especially the part about nuking Tirana), so I'm thinking an Albanian death squad might show up at my door soon and abduct me. Heyyyy.... that's a good plot for Taken 3.

They won't find me, though. My hometown is awesome. I can vanish into the streets of San Francisco or escape to the hills of Novato if I want to. And speaking of which, there's a big Bay Area-related news story this week: METEORITES!!!

A big red streak shot across the sky the other night, making so much God damn noise that people thought it was another earthquake. I didn't notice it (I was watching Goodfellas, and there's a lot of big booms in that movie), but I heard it was pretty awesome. A frickin' meteor landed in upper Marin. BAD-ASS. So now there's a ton of space rock enthusiasts dicking around in the hills trying to find it.

Now, does this remind you of something? The last time a meteor landed in California, THIS happened:


So be prepared for more crappy sequels.

Let's also not forget the movie Evolution, where an asteroid full of microbes landed in the Mojave Desert and they evolved into a bunch of crazy mutant creatures... yeah, okay. It was kind of bad.

In other non-alien related news, Paul Ryan f**ked up again. Sorry, did I say NON-alien related? Anyway... the Vice-Presidential hopeful apparently barged into a soup kitchen in a pathetic attempt to feel the plight of the working stiff. He did many helpful things, including pissing off everyone who actually worked there and cleaning plates that were already clean.

Also, Romney and his cronies are trying to undo the damage done by his piddling little debate performance last week. The third and final debate is on Monday, so be prepared. My only concern is that my mom might not let me watch it. The Giants have a playoff game then. But for a little more election fun, click on one of the following links:
The Real Mitt Romney
Romney Style
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY: Romney V Obama

Bye!

The Great Debates Part II: Show Me the Romney

The Second 2012 Presidential Debate of Presidential Debate-ness has ended, and it was far more entertaining than the original. Not only did we have a few golden Romney f**k-up moments, but Obama was on FY-AH!!! He CRUSHED Romney (at least in my opinion), and even used the last word to bring up the infamous 47% video. He also put to bed the misconception that he didn't label the attacks in Benghazi 'Terrorism' until 14 days later. Not like it even matters, but he did it.

Romney, on the other hand, was his typical whining self. He would go overtime, and when he did, he would shush the damn moderator and say "Well, I'm not finished." The man is a pathetic ball of elephant feces who should go die in a hole. But I'm not one-sided. Not at AAAAAALLLLLLL.

What really ticked me off was when people asked questions, EVERY TIME, Romney would lead off his response with the phrase "I'm glad you asked that question." Someday, he needs to say "Wow, what a TERRIBLE question. You suck. Your face sucks. Your question sucks." You know those people who say there are no stupid questions? THEY'RE WRONG.



So, Obama won the debate. He was hands-down better than Romney, and LIGHT YEARS away from his first debate performance, which was an admitted dud. I even thought the moderator was better, but someone needs to sit up there and say "SHUT YOUR MOUTH SIR, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!!" whenever one of them goes overtime. And if they keep talking, they should get a little electric shock from the collars around their necks.

Also, the candidates should be hooked up to lie detectors. If a lie was detected, they would have to remove an article of clothing. Then MAYBE we would get a straight answer out of Romney. But then again, there's always a downside... we might end up knowing more about the candidates than we need to. Maybe Obama has a massive tattoo on his chest of a flaming skull. And perhaps we can finally find out whether or not Romney wears that Magic Mormon Underwear®. So many questions!

Wow, I got off topic here, didn't I? Anyway... Maybe someday I'll get to moderate a presidential debate. And in the meantime, you can enjoy the debates a little more by watching THIS video, an epic remix of the first presidential debate. I believe there's also one of the VP debate as well.

Bye!

The Great Debates Part I: All Barack and no Bite

Hey, was anyone else incredibly happy when Justin Bieber threw up on stage during a concert? I sure as hell was. It proves to me that even HE can't stand the sound of his music. 'Nuff said.

Usually, I would devote an entire blog post to ripping on Bieber and calling him a douchebag who does unrepentantly evil covers of good, decent songs from the 60s and 70s. Usually, I would rail on and on about how he has the vocal talent of a screeching four-year-old, and how he is somehow so stupid that he can't even figure how to put his hair on straight. But I'm moving on to a more pressing topic: THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE OF PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE-NESS!!!

Tonight, as everyone knows, Barack Obama and Sir Mittington Wilfred Romneychester III, Esq, MD faced off in the first of three presidential debates. I watched the whole 90 minutes, and I was enthralled. If by 'enthralled' you mean 'bored to tears'. And I really shouldn't have been. After all, I'm the one who has been saying for years that campaigns need to be about the issues, not which candidate has a 'verifiable birth certificate' or wears 'magic Mormon underwear'. But this was a little too much, even for me.

Both Obama and Romney discussed policy for a whole 90 minutes, and Romney did surprisingly well. I mean, he lied right to Obama's face, but he did it CONVINCINGLY. Which is really the most important part of lying. This debate will probably give him a little boost in the polls, but not by much: Studies have shown time and time again that the debates don't actually affect voter turnout very much at all. The two exceptions are Nixon Vs Kennedy and the time Al Gore turned orange.

And speaking of Inconvenient Truths, here's one for you: To the average voter, it would look like Romney won the debate. Obama did a lot of characteristic 'ums' and 'uhhhhs', but Romney talked like a rapid-firing machine gun. If, in this case, the machine gun fired massive blobs of utter BS. He basically took back everything he has said for the past 18 months about his voucher system for Health Care, he committed a few blatant bald-faced lies when he said his health care plan was "Nothing like" Obamacare, and he even suggested the de-funding of PBS. Which, by the way, was the station that was carrying the debate. Not even a great fiction writer could come up with this crap.

He even started talking about Big Bird. Yeah, that's right. That's what we need in politics: Sesame Street.

Actually, that's not a bad idea... if we could get all the muppets into congress, they could teach the Democrats and Republicans some important lessons about sharing, cooperation, and not yelling out "YOU LIE" when other people are speaking. Yeah, I'm still bitter about that.

Bye!