Linsanity!

Hello, fellow Jeremy Lin fans! I was linitially going to do another Star Wars spoof post, but then was linspired by the past few Colbert Report episodes to comment on Jeremy Lin, basketball's latest linner. In just a few short days, Lin has risen to linfamy by making linpossible shot after linpossible shot in lincredibly lintense moments during Knicks games. He is becoming lincreasingly famous after just a few short bouts with stardom.

Jeremy Lin is also linraging some people, who think his lincredible rise is too good to be true, and that he will slowly peter out as enemy players figure out his techniques. He is even starring in a new linimated movie that has linpressed hundreds of critics.

It's called 'The Lincredibles'. It's about a family of basketball players who, against lincredible odds, get one last chance at redemption. I, personally, don't know why I haven't received a linvitation to linterview Jeremy Lin about his seemingly linpossible rise to fame. After all, I AM a pretty linfamous blogger. But no matter how linpressive Jeremy Lin gets, there will always be linposters and poseurs trying to linitate him.

Lintil next time, bye!

Oh, and by the way, linterally every sentence in this post has the word 'Lin' in it.

The Artist & Best Picture Noms

I finally saw The Artist, partly because my mom pressured me into it and partly because it has 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. I really have a hard time reviewing this movie, mainly because it is so different from movies like Source Code or Raiders of the Lost Ark that I can't begin to draw the comparison. But out of all the Best Picture nominees for 2011, The Artist wins. I can't imagine a scenario where it doesn't win Best Picture.

Let's start this review off by saying that, if I were comparing this to my personal top 10 favorite movies, I would be writing a very different review. It barely even comes close to the pure awesomeness of certain other movies which shall remain nameless. That said, this was pretty f'n good. It's not easy to write a script that can be understood with no speaking, but the writers of The Artist hit the nail right on the head.

My main problems with this movie, unfortunately, can't be overlooked. First off, it is SHAMELESSLY derivative. It has virtually the same plot as countless other movies, from 'A Star is Born' to 'Singing in the Rain'. By the way, if these movies ever get boring for you, watch Mel Brooks's 'Silent Movie'.

Secondarily, the whole movie was supposed to be a silent film, but it completely betrayed that intention when they finally started talking at the end. It wrecked the authenticity of the entire thing. I understand the whole point of the change into a 'Talkie', but I wish they could have done it some other way.

Fortunately, it (mostly) makes up for its faults with its benefits, those being spot-on performances and a few truly intense moments. Also, it has a dog.

So: Final score for The Artist? Well, against the other Best Picture nominees, it would merit 10/10. Really, what's it going up against? Hugo? Please. But, like I said, if I were to weigh it against other movies (a-hem, The Hangover), it would not do nearly as well.

Moving on to the other Best Picture nominees-- I've only seen three of them, The Artist, Hugo, and Moneyball. And really, they're the only ones worth seeing; Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close has no chance, seeing as it has only 46% on Rotten Tomatoes. And The Descendants is not in it to win it, it's only there for George Clooney to take a shot at Best Actor.

But the awards aren't over yet: Stay tuned for my personal awards, The Grahammies! The categories are:

Best Picture: Source Code, Limitless, 50/50, Super 8, and Paul.

Worst Picture: Green Lantern, Dark of the Moon, Deathly Hallows: Part II, Cowboys and Aliens, and Hugo.

Best Visual Effects: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Paul, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, and Dark of the Moon.

Best Sequel: The Hangover Part II, Ghost Protocol, Dark of the Moon, On Stranger Tides, and Deathly Hallows: Part II

Best Original Screenplay: Source Code, 50/50, Contagion, Moneyball, and The Artist.

Best Actor: Jake Gyllenhall, Simon Pegg, Zach Galifanakis, Eddie Murphy, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Best Supporting Actor: Seth Rogen, Nick Frost, Harrison Ford, Jeremy Renner, and Andy Serkis.

Worst Actor: Nicolas Cage, James Franco, Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Craig, and Shia Lebouf.

Best Actress: Berenice Bejo, Marion Cotillard, Michelle Monaghan, Tea Leoni, and Zoe Saldana.

Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart, Frieda Pinto, Penelope Cruz, Blake Lively, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

Best Director: Duncan Jones, Neil Burger, Jonathan Levine, Brett Ratner, and Greg Mottola.

There are my nominations. Keep in mind, the nominees are only there because I either saw their movies or know enough about them to know they sucked. If I had seen every single movie this year, some of the nominees would look something like this:

Worst Picture: Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, The Devil Inside, Abduction, and Cowboys and Aliens (anyway).

Worst Actor: Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, and Adam Sandler. Note: This one is closer than the nominees suggest.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode III: Rehash of the S***

WAR! The United States military industrial complex is crumbling under ruthless attacks by sociopathic Afghans in Kandahar. There are heroes on one side. Evil is all over the f***ing place.

In a stunning move, the fiendish cyborg Vice-President, Dick Cheney, has swept into Saddam Hussein's palace and captured the despot of Iraq.

As the rest of the world tries to execute Saddam for being a massive asshole, several crazy tribesmen from Kabul launch a desperate mission to continue blowing s*** up....

And there you go, part three of my epic Star Wars spoof. Expect parts four, five, and six soon! Or, at least, whenever I feel like it.

You know, I expect that one day I'll look back on my expletive-ridden posts and change these little things (*) into the actual word I'm omitting. I feel like a little kid when I do it, but whatever. At least I don't actually say the word 'bleep' in real life when I want to swear, like I used to.

I'm actually probably the most foul-mouthed 14 year-old on the face of the f***ing planet. See? Right there. I watch too much TV.

Bye!

New Crap...

Oh, hiya! As I'm sure you've noticed, there have been a few major changes to my blog site. I need to describe them now, mainly because they'll undoubtedly be changed sometime, and I'd like my blog templates to be remembered.The biggest change was the background, which went from being plain orange to a pattern of circles, including Yin and Yang, The Death Star, and Earth. Unfortunately, the middle has been eclipsed by my actual blog content, omitting the other circles (The Vertco Logo, Smiley Face, Nuclear symbol). Here's a pic of the full background:

I also edited the title, which is now a self-portrait coupled with some weird typeface for the G-Force logo. I'll almost definitely keep it, it's pretty parkour.

Also, my survey is over, and The Shark Steam Mop won in a landslide. As you may remember, I divined that The Shark Steam Mop was the best candidate for the GOP to win with in 2012. The results are in, and a whopping 100% of voters have voted for The Shark Steam Mop. No one knows just what impact this will have on the GOP race, but it definitely changes the status of previous front-runner Mitt Romney.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode II: Clone of the Attack

There is unrest in the United States senate. Several countries have declared that they will be withdrawing from Iraq sooner than expected.

This movement, led by a mysterious country known as 'France', has made it difficult for the American War Hawks to get their empire on.

Several Republican senators are returning to the senate from a nine-week break of fishing in Maine to vote on the critical issue of creating a massive clusterf*** to assist the overwhelmed Taliban....

Well, I don't know where the hell I'm gonna go from here. If I want to spoof the six Star Wars films in the spirit of the past twelve years, I still have no idea which character would be cast as who. In this particular analogy, wouldn't Bush be on the good side? We can't have that. And what will my play on words for 'Revenge of the Sith' be? I don't know.

I do know one thing: Newt Gingrich is Jabba the Hutt no matter how you slice it.

Well, I don't have much else to talk about. We went to the beach and found some Japanese buoys. Really? That's how you spell it? Why not booies? Or bouies? Or boobies?

They're probably radioactive, so we put them in the backyard. If the walnut tree grows nipples in the middle of the night, we'll know something's up.

Bye!

A-Hole Foods: Inconvenience Stores

I know I said in my last post that all my next five posts would be Star Wars spoofs, but there is a problem that must be addressed: The growing number of pretentious, stuck-up jackass stores like Whole Foods or Good Earth. A Good Earth recently opened just a mile from my house in downtown Fairfax, and all hell has broken loose.

Stores like this make me sick. Instead of Cheetos they have 'Healthy Puffs'. They have a massive display of coconut water. And they have these things... I don't even know what the hell they're supposed to be. Can you figure it out?

Just what in the name of the holy Mary mother of God is that? Fractal broccoli? It looks like a f***ing POD PERSON! How in the hell are you supposed to eat that thing? By the way, if you think you can eat that, contact the Fear Factor headquarters at NBC, they'd like to have a word with you.

The worst part is that the gallon of milk we bought there cost seven--- SEVEN DOLLARS!!! How can you justify that? "Oh, the cow is bred free-range on a wide, 17-acre plot of land in the hills of Nevada. They are milked humanely yet efficiently, and die a happy, peaceful death surrounded by loved ones". GO DIE IN A HOLE!!!

The people who shop at places like that should all be sent to a remote island. There, they would run around the beach and farm for themselves, throwing pineapples at each other and complaining about lack of WiFi access. They are stuck-up, pretentious jerk-offs who think they're better than you because they eat organic crap-food and have 'moral fiber'.

HA! It's funny, 'cause I said 'fiber'. Get it? Because I'm talking about an ORGANIC FOOD store? No? Whatever.

Anyway, I need to stop blogging about this. My doctor said I shouldn't blog about stuff I hate more often than once a month. It gets my bile up and gives me a high possibility of a heart attack.

And I'm only 14.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Weapons of Mass Destruction

Turmoil has engulfed the United States. The price of outlying country's oil imports is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a nonexistent nuclear weapons program, the greedy and insane Saddam Hussein has declared war on the United States by being confused with Osama Bin Laden.

While the congress and senate endlessly debate the alarming chain of events, The Decider-in-Chief has secretly dispatched two battalions of US soldiers, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.

There you have it. My next five blog posts will be devoted to incredibly classic spoofs on the six Star Wars movies, not counting the crappy Clone Wars movie or the Holiday Special. Actually, the Holiday Special would work very well. 'The Gulf Wars War on Christmas' sounds very good.

I still just can't get OVER how BAD this movie was... and now it's getting released in 3D. It's just so frickin' sad...

Anyway, not all my next blog posts will be complete wastes. I can still rant about how big of an asshole Mitt Romney is, I just have to wait a bit until my opening crawl spoof is finished. But still, maybe I'm just doing this to get six free blog posts with minimal creative input. And besides, I still don't know how I would cast these things... aaaargh....

Too much thinking. And besides, just imagining The Phantom Menace in your mind can decrease your mental capabilities, so don't keep reading.

Are you reading this. Screw off.

Bye!