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This truly is the summer of superhero movies. Not only is The Amazing Spider-Man in theaters right now (expect a review soon), but The Avengers graced the top of the box office with over a billion dollars and The Dark Knight Rises is being released Friday. But about that...

It seems as if the anticipation for the final chapter in the Dark Knight trilogy is getting a little over-the-top. The local movie theater here is selling tickets to both The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises in a mini-movie-marathon, plus all-you-can eat popcorn. But the most disturbing thing comes from Rotten Tomatoes, the go-to movie review website, which currently ranks The Dark Knight Rises at 85%. But a warning to any critics who gave it a bad review: Look over your shoulders for a while. Things could get ugly.

RT had to shut down its comments section on The Dark Knight Rises, due to people threatening to kill the critics who didn't like the movie. One review had over 500 comments. Oops.

The most annoying thing about this is that the people haven't even seen the damn movie. They're getting all worked up over a movie that they know next to nothing about. And who knows; it could be really, really bad. It's certainly possible. And it's not like the franchise has been all that fantastic. Batman Begins was, in my opinion, terrible.

But it's not just Rotten Tomatoes. All across the internet, people are trolling for anger in the comments. Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, Myspace, Youtube and the list goes on. My personal favorite is when a woman posted "NO MORE OREOS FOR THIS FAMILY" after the now-famous image of the gay Oreo was released. People immediately began responding back "It doesn't look like you need any more, you fat bigoted f***". So sometimes it can be good. But for those of you who can't tell, look no further than my PATENTED COMMENT TRANSLATOR!!! After installing the software, simply highlight the text you want translated and voila! Here's an example of a typical Youtube comments section:

FIRST!!......................................................................... DERP!!

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Yu suck......................................................................... Arg blarg derp herp

omg justin bieber....................................................... blaaargh herp derp derp

LOL fake...................................................................... GLARB derp derp herp

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Prometheus

For those of you who've been wondering, I love the movie Alien. And the movie Aliens. And Alien 3, and Alien Resurrection, and the newest addition to the saga, Prometheus. Which is, in my opinion, one of the best science-fiction films ever made.
 Prometheus starts off with a blue guy who looks like Dr. Manhattan supposedly sacrificing himself in order to create humanity. Then a group of scientists find some cave markings designating a far-off galaxy, which they travel to using the spaceship from Serenity, along with Data and Benjamin Button. So yes, the plot is not much to brag about.
 But what Prometheus lacks in plot, it makes up for with its astounding visuals, fantastic performances (particularly Michael Fassbender as a Peter 'O Toole-obsessed android), and general mythicism. After the scientists land, we're treated to the required half-hour where stuff goes according to plan before everything falls the f**k apart. The stoner geologist dies and comes back as a zombie and the biologist who supposedly knows everything about organic life gets killed by a cross between a cobra and a penis. Yeah, it's intense.












 The pure symbolism of the movie, however, will blow your mind when you think about it. The humans travel to this planet in an attempt to find their creator, but their creator (SPOILERS) basically says "F**k you" and starts smackin' them around. This is shockingly reminiscent of the Greek tale of (you guessed it) Prometheus, a titan who tries to bring humanity on-par with the Gods and who is then punished for his insolence by being chained to a rock and having an eagle peck out his liver every day. Ancient Greeks were hardcore.
 Anyway, final score for Prometheus: 8/10 stars. It wasn't quite equal to the Alien saga's best moments, but it was occasionally awe-inspiring. Watch it. NOW.
 Bye!

Draw Something

I have recently come across a revolutionary new app. It is called Draw Something (by the same people who brought you Words With Friends). You are assigned a random person over the internet to draw something for. You can choose from three words, an easy one, a medium one, and a hard one. The harder the word, the more coins you get. You can trade in coins for new colors to draw with.

Now, as you know, I love drawing. I have been drawing since I was eight months old (but unlike other people, I haven't stopped). So this sounded like the perfect app for me. And I don't want to sound egotistical here, so I'm not going to brag about my skills at this game. I will just show you some highlights of my best Draw Somethings.

Hopefully, you can read what the drawings are supposed to be, but if you can't, here they are from top to bottom: Cowboy, Clay, Sith, Catwoman. The first one is Clint Eastwood in THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY. The second is Colonel Clay from THE LOSERS. The third is, of course, Darth Vader. And the fourth is pretty self-explanatory. Graham Vert

And I will advise you to think before you dismiss these. Before saying "My four-year old kid could do that", let's see YOU Draw Something better. I'll admit, I am not the best Draw Something artist out there, but seeing as I did all these on a tiny iPod Touch screen with my index finger, please... a little respect.

Bye!

Amurika

Well, The Human Fund hasn't worked out nearly as well as I initially expected. As you remember, I was trying to get around my required community service for High School by creating a fake charity. I almost had the website ready for inspection, but it turns out that they check out all the charities to see if they're registered with the feds, and blah blah blah. So my parents made me go to a session of the 'Marin County Youth Court' to sit as a juror.

I can't disclose anything about the case, because it's illegal. But it was pretty f***ing boring. Fortunately, I didn't have to do any actual work, I just sat there and voted on the amount of community service time the defendant should get.

But on to other, more important things: it has been 236 years since July 4, 1776, and as per my yearly ritual, I will watch Independence Day tonight. My other rituals are Die Hard every Christmas, Raiders of the Lost Ark on my birthday, and The Big Lebowski every 4/20. But for those of you who may not have as much knowledge of movies as I do, here is my list of BEST ALL-AMERICAN FILMS TO WATCH ON JULY 4TH!!!

1) INDEPENDENCE DAY. No movie is nearly as patriotic as this one. The ultimate disaster movie, directed by that maestro of destruction, Ronald Emmerich. With Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum, thousands of alien attacks, and an over-the-top patriotic speech by the president before the aliens are attacked on Independence Day, this is the best f***ing movie ever.

2) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. Not as good as the original, which is also the best f***ing movie ever, but still worth watching. Stuff still explodes, the stunts are still awesome, and it all takes place on the Fourth of July. One difference, though: Bruce Willis shaved his head.

3) RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Forget what I said before: This is the best f***ing movie ever. Pretty much any movie with Nazis is going to be inherently American, but this one has Harrison Ford and the best car/horse chase scene of all time. A must-see.

4) A FEW GOOD MEN. You can't handle the truth! Eminently quotable, with Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore, and (to a lesser extent) Tom Cruise. Very patriotic, and will have you gripping your seat. Best f***ing movie ever. Graham Vert

5) CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER. This one actually has America right there in its title. And again, NAZIS! It came out on DVD a good while ago, so it shouldn't be sold out anywhere. And it has another good car chase scene. Best f***ing movie ever.

6) THE GREAT ESCAPE. My favorite war movie of all time. Steve McQueen as his usual, cocky self running around pissing off (you guessed it) NAZIS! Mayhem and death ensue, but it also is pretty funny. With great performances and a 2 1/2 hour running time, it truly is the best f***ing movie ever.

7) NATIONAL TREASURE. For those of you with little kids in your household, this is where you turn to. Not exactly a critically lauded movie (it stars Nicholas Cage and Justin Bartha), but it's really entertaining, and has a few good performances. Also, its theme is all about American history, and (spoiler alert) they end up stealing the Declaration of Independence. Best f***ing movie ever.

8) PATTON. I don't remember this movie very well, but what I do remember is awesome. Everyone calls it the best f***ing movie ever, so I'll have to take their word for it. And George Patton gives a speech in front of the American flag at the very beginning, too.

9) THE LOSERS. Dumb, dumb fun. It's freaking hysterical, and there are a lot of slow-motion scenes of the main characters walking in front of an American flag. Also, it has Chris Evans, Zoe Saldana, and Jeffery Dean Morgan. Best f***ing movie ever.

10) Let's end on a high note: ROCKY. Sylvester Stallone kicks ass and punches people, but he loses. Hmmm... not really a feel-good American movie, I guess. Whatever.

There you have it. Watch 'em all if you want. I own five of them anyway, so I definitely could. And if you hate my suggestion... well screw off. Most likely, it's the best f***ing movie of all time.

Bye!

Ted

I'm writing this from my friend Connor's house, where I'm listening to The Black Keys while listening to Calvin and Luis rage-quitting on Black Ops. It's really funny to hear how loud they get over the littlest things. They get killed once and it's "NO! NO! F*** THIS S***!!!" But I don't care. Unless they read this, I will not be in the direct path of their rage.

We were originally going to go see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter today, but it stopped playing in theaters because it was so bad. So we went to see Ted, the first movie by Seth McFarlane, the creator of Family Guy. In reality, I really hate Family Guy. I think it's a terrible, deranged Simpsons rip-off with the same wit and wisdom of a fried eggplant. But screw it, the movie looked really good.

This was actually a really funny movie, better than the somewhat disappointing "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World". But that doesn't save it. Ted had merely okay performances, annoying Boston accents, and just felt really, really bland. It was like a hybrid of three different movies, one about a talking teddy bear, another was a romantic comedy, and another was an homage to Flash Gordon. Just... watch it. You'll understand.

Oh, and I hate Mark Wahlberg, or whatever his name is. He is terrible.

So, the final score for Ted? 6/10 stars. Worth a viewing, and definitely much better than the other, less-funny summer failures like The Dictator.

Bye!

Obama Cares

Well, we are totally screwed. Everything has just been crapped on by the Supreme Court. Sure, 'Obamacare' has been ratified, giving health care to millions of uninsured Americans, but at what COST? This is just what the Democrats needed to rally around in November. We needed a massive issue to get behind. Now, the Dems are just as bored with this election as ever, while the Republicans are amassing their forces in preparation for the election season. Romney has already reported a donation increase of $300,000. And that's in ONE DAY. What will the Democrats do now?

This issue is not going to just die away. The Democrats are having some serious issues when it comes to conviction. Now that the Republicans have rallied around Romney, the Dems need something to galvanize the base. Unfortunately, that won't happen unless Michelle Bachmann does something like this:

By the way, Kill Bill is the fourth-greatest film of all time. The thing is just mesmerizing in its originality.

You would think that the guy who united all the Democrats back in 2008 wouldn't have such a big problem with this issue. But if you look closely, Obama's rhetoric has been really toned-down lately. "Yes We Can" became "Yes, we can organize a focus group to discuss alternate possibilities for positive action in fields that America is declining in while still maintaining a delicate balance between right-wing nutjobs and left-wing nutjobs."

You see the problem. Here's another example: "Change We Can Believe In" became "I can get two Republicans to vote for change but only if we attach a rider declaring half of my laws unconstitutional and extending the Bush Tax Cuts".

Bye!

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Did you know that up until the 17th century, barbers were allowed to perform surgery? I'm not surprised, seeing as they just totally butchered me. You know you're in trouble when the person cutting your hair has a Flock of Seagulls haircut with dye the color of cat puke.

But let's set that aside for now. I just saw Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, the most long-winded title for a movie since Rise of the Planet of the Apes. And I have to say, I was shocked. This thing was not at all what I expected, first off. If you go to see this movie expecting a raunchy, funny, somewhat forgettable Steve Carell movie, YOU'RE WRONG. This was f***ing depressing. In its own way, it was eerily reminiscent of Coen Brothers movies, in the sense that it had no problem making comedy out of some of the least funny stuff there is out there: Armageddon.

The movie played to its strengths, though, namely Steve Carell in his best role in years. If this is what it takes for him to pull his career away from movies like Dinner For Schmucks, it's totally worth it. Also (SPOILER ALERT), it is the first apocalypse movie where there is no hope at all. The film begins with a radio report revealing that the last hope for mankind (the spaceship with the small group of racially diverse, quirky characters who would save the day in most movies) has blown up upon contact with the meteorite headed for Earth. So there isn't much reason to get attached to the characters at all. Unfortunately, with the lead actors so well mismatched, it's hard not to.

The problems, unfortunately, almost balance the positive elements. First off, this is (and it kills me to type these words) the first so-called 'romantic comedy' I have ever seen in my life. Just the two words together make me sick. That is a phrase which should only be uttered by lonely 20-something year olds on Valentine's Day when they need a pick-me-up from the video store. But this movie was, sadly, one of them. Which pretty much killed it for me. Steve Carell should never be put in a situation like that. It's not good.

Fortunately, it seems like the romantic comedy for people who hate romantic comedies (like me!). Everyone on the planet, including the stars, die at the end when the asteroid hits a week ahead of time. But for those of you who truly detest emotional movies, you may be looking forward to the end.

Final score? I really wish it were two different movies, so that I could give one 10 and the other a big fat zero. But I have to meet in the middle, so... 5/10 stars. It kills me to do that, because I really appreciate what the movie is trying to do, and I was looking forward to it a lot, but I really couldn't take a two-hour Steve Carell movie without any jokes not seen already in the trailers. It's a real shame.

Bye!