Affordable Brain Aneurysm

Well, I've done another weird thing for school... I had to draw an Immune System Diagram for my biology class, and it had to be accurate and scientific. However, we were allowed to use anything we wanted as icons to represent the cells, viruses, antibodies, etc. So I decided to create a diagram in the spirit of Caging. Caging, for those of you who aren't up to date on your memes, is the practice of photoshopping Nicolas Cage's face onto random things. If you're confused about why this is hilarious, click HERE. Anyway, I drew Nic Cage's immune system, with little Nic Cage faces (which I drew myself) drawn to represent the cells. The Macrophage became the Macrocage, and the viruses became bees. If THAT confuses you, two things: Watch The Wicker Man, and click HERE.

But as funny as Nicolas Cage's face on random shit is, I can't devote an entire blog post to it. Which is why, to celebrate the Democrat's incredible victory on the debt ceiling battle, I decided to sign up for Obamacare online. As you may know, the website that people are supposed to use to sign up for the Affordable Care Act has been beleaguered by criticism ever since it was opened a few weeks ago. The server goes down occasionally, the connection is weak, the process is convoluted, and even the calculator doesn't work. Really? You'd think that they could have gotten that right. Because, you know... they're friggin' everywhere.

Anyway, I signed up for Obamacare yesterday, but I don't fully remember what happened. Fortunately, I had a video camera and audio feed recording everything that happened, which I then rewatched and wrote a running commentary on. The pros? I got in. The cons? Well... here we go...



00:05-- Within five minutes, I turn on the computer, make a cup of coffee, crack my knuckles, and get ready to fill out some forms.
00:09-- After a few Google searches, I finally locate the website. Huh. You'd think that would be a little easier...
00:10-- Click on website.
1:17-- Website loads.
1:20-- One hour in, and this website is beginning to test my resolve.
1:27-- After stabbing my computer screen repeatedly with a kitchen knife, I click on the right link. This immediately downloads 5,000 gigabytes of malware and viruses onto my hard drive.
1:42-- Wipe cookies. Note: This is not the last time I will have to do this.
2:04-- Smash coffee cup out of pure anger and desperation.
2:35-- Click the correct link (finally). I am greeted with a form in English, which for some reason goes into Spanish and then French. What the hell? You have to be trilingual just to read the directions.
2:52-- "Glitch" in the system lists my cat as my father-in-law.
3:09-- Cookie wipe #2.
3:18-- The accursed spinning beach ball of death.
3:20-- System requires immediate payment of  "1 (one) arm and 1 (one) leg, to be mailed to your local government office accordingly and filed."
3:25 to 3:48-- In the garage with the ol' hacksaw.
3:51-- A quick re-read of the form makes me realize that the website asks for your NON-dominant arm. Shit.
4:00-- Bleeding out. Healthcare is, sadly, not helping me much here.
4:20-- Blaze it.
4:32-- Cookie wipe #3.
4:45 to 4:57-- Mostly screaming, accompanied by fits of unbridled rage. The keyboard gets thrown out the window.
5:12-- System finally makes my account. Oh, joyous day.
5:13-- System unfortunately listed my first name as "Ghram." Never mind; pressing on.
5:24-- After spinning my head around Exorcist-style for eleven minutes, I projectile vomit all over the room.
5:40-- System creates health care plan for me, at long last. It will cost $613 a month, up $613 from my previous health care plan, "Do whatever the hell you want and go to the ER if you get sick."
5:52-- My laptop, already under extreme duress, catches on fire.
6:02-- Pass out.

The moral of the story? Yes, it IS possible to sign up for Obamacare! It's just really, really, really, REALLY time-consuming, painful, and mentally scarring. Anyway, I'm going to bed to rest my tired limb. 'Night!

Ceiling the Deal

After a lot of work, I have finally made my epic movie review website about as good as I can get it. However, a few things before you visit it: Firstly, all of the reviews are written under the persona of Diego Tutweiller, a vindictive asshole who takes pride in calling movies the "Anus of Cinema" and handing out ridiculously low ratings such as negative zero out of ten stars. That's right-- I INVENTED A NUMBER. And secondarily, I also used the site to upload fake movie posters for a film I had an idea for, so that's what the odd latest post is all about. So if you want to see the website, click HERE.

Besides making a new website, there's not much going on. Let me just check Google news... OH SHIT, SON. The government's back! And I didn't even notice! Apparently, the Republicans allowed the debt ceiling to be raised for the next three months. However, we may have to revisit this tired old debate in February, when the new debt ceiling expires and Democrats start needing to borrow more money for their crippling addiction to welfare.



On the left, we have a perfectly normal, healthy person. But on the right, we have the same woman, six months after becoming addicted to welfare. Welfare. NOT EVEN ONCE. (This ad paid for by the Republican Party).

Anyway, the debt ceiling is raised, people have compromised, and in short, nobody's happy. In fact, one woman went so far as to drive her Infiniti through the barricades around monuments in DC last week, leading police on an hour-long chase through the streets and wreaking havoc. Meanwhile, I was a little miffed because my mail wasn't delivered until 6:00 last night. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with stress.
Skinny skinny
But I really can't get very worked up over any of what just happened, because at the end of the day, both sides are incredibly obnoxious and stupid (perhaps the Republicans a little more so). I honestly couldn't care less about which side came out 'on top' or which one ended up 'losing' this little turf war. Most people agree with me-- in a recent poll, FOX found that congress's approval rating is lower than Nickleback's. Now THAT is some public backlash.

Bye!

SHUTDOWN 2013

One of the biggest news stories I missed during my two-month hiatus was the government shitdown-- er-- shutdown. I have been predicting something to this effect for years, however I was slightly off. In my initial projections, an asteroid would head for Earth, threatening to destroy humanity. Congress would OK a bill to use all of our natural resources to destroy the asteroid, but Republicans in the House would hold out to attach riders to the bill slashing the EPA and Obamacare. Democrats, of course, would refuse, and the Earth would subsequently be destroyed.

Fortunately, we're not faced with such a cataclysmic event, but instead we're sitting around with basically no government. It's day twelve of the shutdown, and there is chaos in the streets. Of course, I'm not seeing any of that here in San Anselmo. If there are riots around here, us Marinites raise the drawbridges and fill the moats with piranhas. We then allow the rest of the world to continue on falling into anarchy while we sit back and enjoy our spas, nail salons, and scented candle stores. God, no wonder the rest of the country hates us.

Meanwhile, President Barack Hussein Achmed Abu-Mohammed Bin Achmed Obama is doing his best to get the House and Congress to agree on something... anything... but it's harder than it looks. Which is saying something, because from where I'm sitting, it looks pretty damn hard. In short, none of the Tea Party Republicans will raise the debt ceiling, because they want to defund Obamacare. Obama needs to save face, so he refuses to give in YET AGAIN. This is what happens... when an unstoppable force meets... an immovable object...



Oh, I'm sure you all have missed my scathing political commentary.

Anyway, while Obama and Boehner battle it out in DC, the rest of us are stuck in a state of total shock. The National Parks Service has shut down all of the parks. Federal government employees aren't getting paid. The infrastructure is collapsing! THE UNIVERSE IS TEARING ITSELF APART AT THE SEAMS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!

Actually, no. None of that is happening. In fact, I haven't noticed anything different in my life since the government shut down. We're nearly two weeks into it, and there hasn't been a single riot, mugging, shooting, arson, robbery, blitzkrieg, genocide, school shooting, explosion, or YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong in my whole town. It's almost as if the government shutdown didn't really matter, because they weren't doing anything in the first place. Nah, that's ridiculous...

Bye!

Gunshy

Well, four months after Newtown, it's finally happening. Two senators have declared that they're putting through bipartisan gun law reform. Unfortunately, this comes in the wake of a stabbing in Texas, where some nut stabbed 14 people at his community college. So now we're going to have to get restrictions on knives as well.

As much as I support gun control, I can't imagine so-called 'bipartisan' reforms having any impact on our gun laws. Republicans have already killed the assault weapons ban, and they're still crusading against background checks. What kind of messed-up country do we live in where you can't marry who you want, but you can stockpile 'cop-killer' bullets?

Disheartening as it may seem, crazy people will find ways to kill people no matter what restrictions we have on them. So why not start looking for background checks on knives as well? And while we're at it, why not Bibles? I saw John Dies at the End last night, and DAMN, that book's able to do some DAMAGE!



Sarcasm aside, the real key to preventing s**t like this is finding crazy people when they're young and getting them help. OR, we could annex some island, like Trinidad or something, and make them all live there. Then the rest of the world could send all their cuckoo maniacs there as well, and they could live out their days throwing coconuts at each other while we enjoy some peace and quiet. Only problem is, they might not all fit on one island.

And here's a fascinating (and true) point made by some pundits out there: The Newtown shootings could not have been prevented with background checks on guns. The shooter obtained his weapons from his mom. So now should we not allow people who KNOW mentally ill people to have guns?

Of course, there are countless other mass killings throughout the history of the US that could have been prevented with more gun laws... so now everyone's arguments are being turned around and twisted like pretzels. And back to the point I was making earlier-- I don't want to have to waste time at school while teachers give PowerPoint presentations on suicide and homicide in an effort to identify 'at risk' students. It's a colossal waste of my time.

The unfortunate reality of the matter is that there may be no good way to prevent things like this from happening. Like I said, crazy people will find ways to kill other people no matter what. Now all we're doing is trying to lower the body count. Yeah, depressing, I know.

If you want a pick-me-up, rent John Dies at the End. I won't spoil it for you, but it's pretty awesome. Today's Doodlebook quote: #9: Cheaters never prosper, unless they're subtle about it, in which case they can live quite comfortably.

Bye!

Revolutionaries

I should explain the weird typeface... in fact, I should explain a lot of stuff. I've been pretty pissed off at lawmakers and America in general the past couple of days (see my previous post, WHYYYYoming), so I've decided to do something drastic. Yeah, I built a time machine. And I've traveled back to 1776. Why? I'll f**king tell you why. Because while Republicans and Democrats bitch and moan about how the founding fathers are really on their side, I figured SOMEone has to find out themselves. And as always, the task falls to me.

So, this is an exciting point in time, right? WRONG. There's nothing here but grassy hills and bogs. I'm pretty much ready to go home. And if you're wondering how I'm writing this blog post... well... shut up. Because plotline. And they have typewriters now. I think.

I usually write about the news when I post s**t on this blog, but I have no idea what's going on in 2013, do I? But I also have no idea what's going on in 1776. I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere in California, which is a problem. I need to get from one side of 'Merica to the other. Which is actually fine, seeing as my time machine is really a modified car. No, not a DeLorean. It's a 1969 Chevy Camaro. 



Yeah, THAT'S MY CAR.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good gas milage, so I'm probably going to have to push it past Texas. Unless anyone knows any good gasoline substitutes readily available in 1776, like whale oil or Benjamin Franklin's hand lotion. Sigh... I'm done. Today's school truth: #3: I never met a test I had to study for.

Kind of moot now though, seeing as I have to either drive down to Mexico or try to cross the high Sierras with a Camaro. Now that I think about it, I should have driven across the country and THEN traveled back in time. You live and you learn...

No matter what, though, I'm gonna get to the east coast. And then PUNDITS BEWARE!!! We'll just see who's right about what!

Good day!

Putting the Mental in Governmental

So, here's something awesome--- apparently there's a website where you can create petitions on the internet. If you get the required number of signatures by a certain date, the White House HAS to respond. Like, legally. So, I created THIS petition to lower the legal voting age to 16. You see, the next presidential election in 2016 takes place about four days before my 18th birthday, on November 8th. So as you can see, I'm a little perturbed.

But by far, the most popular petition subject on that website is anti-gun laws. Because there were two more shootings today: A teenager killed his family in New Mexico and a shooting at a college in Texas left four people in the hospital. So this has literally become a daily thing. I come home from school, and I get to ask "So, who got shot today?" Because THERE'S NOT WIFI AT SCHOOL... but that's not the subject. Wait, maybe I should petition for mandatory WiFi at all American schools! Yeahhhh...

Anyway, that's not the only gun-related event, because Barack Obama was re-inagurated yesterday for his 2nd term, and he gave a really impassioned speech about... totally not gun control. Since, although he never said the words, you could tell that the implications were there. So now Republicans are going friggin' OUT OF THEIR MINDS over his 'inability to compromise' and 'partisan agenda' and 'actual intelligence.'



Anyway, as I've said many a time in the past few weeks, this is going to be a pretty intense debate. And it's not like climate change or abortions--- This time, EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN has an opinion. And according to polls, 79% of them favor stricter gun laws. That's a pretty big margin, given that statistically, some of those people have to be gun owners.

On a lighter note, we've finally delved into the dark recesses of an evil organization that robs people of their money and gives them unsatisfactory products in return. An organization that has influence worldwide, that has distributaries all across America. I'm talking, of course, about... SUBWAY. In a recent Facebook post, someone pointed out that Subway's "$5 Footlong" is a mere 10 and a half inches, with the caption "Subway pls respond." Now, normally I'd find this kind of distraction from real national issues a pain in the ass, but THIS NEEDED TO HAPPEN. Too many people have fallen victim to this BS. There needs to be some kind of restriction. Or waiting period. And we should carefully monitor the distribution of these... sandwiches.

Oh God, are we actually caring more about sandwich laws than gun laws...?

Bye!

Lincoln

Oh my God... I just got back from another of my friend Connor's famous 24-hour sleepovers. It was nuts. We set off poppers in the street, jumped in a creek, kicked Luis in the nuts, and jumped on top of a Presbyterian church. I also was able to bear witness to one of the worst movies ever made.

No, it's not the one in the title-- I'll get to that later. No, I saw 'Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie', my new official least-favorite movie ever made. And it has some STRONG contenders to beat. Namely, Troll 2, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hugo, Clash of the Titans, Green Lantern, Battle: LA, Up, and Cowboys and Aliens. But this was far and away the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Calvin told me that it was horrific, but I didn't listen... and now I'm scarred for life. I'll never be able to watch an R-rated movie ever again.

However, that's not why I'm blogging today. Apparently, in the span of one day, I saw both the worst and the best movies of 2012. Lincoln, with Daniel Day-Lewis in the title role, is easily the best movie of the year and should win Best Picture, if not Best Actor for Lewis and Best Director for Spielberg. I usually have some reservedness about going ballistic over more recent movies, but this one's going down in history.


Characteristically, it features a lot of the emotional tug-of-war that made Spielberg the director he is today. As I've always said, I haven't shed a tear in 5 1/2 years. But this one came surprisingly close. Essentially, the entire last half-hour of the movie will have you weeping buckets. Literally, I am not exaggerating this.

Unlike most movie adaptations of the Civil War, Lincoln didn't center around the actual battles. It made the remarkable (and perfectly executed) decision to focus more on the passing of the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery once and for all. You wouldn't know by watching this that the REPUBLICANS were the ones that would eventually become massive dicks, and that the DEMOCRATS would be the ones fighting for civil rights. But at some point in history, the parties basically switched in every way, except for the minor detail that a little 'R' appeared next to Lincoln's name on the ballots.

The best scene is where the two parties are voting on the amendment, and the Democrats are fighting for their lives to avoid the cold gazes of black people watching from the audience. To vote 'nay' on something like that while staring the people you're oppressing right in the eyes must be a pretty crappy experience. I don't feel sorry for them, but it must have been painful.

But, SPOILER ALERT! Slavery is abolished and Lincoln gets shot in the most gut-wrenching 20 minutes of film since Spock's death. Which I still haven't gotten over.

Oh God, it's too... painful...

Anyway, final score for Lincoln? 10/10. There is not a thing I would change about this movie, and that's the mark of a perfect film. If nothing else, Spielberg has redeemed himself for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Bye!

The Blahvengers

I've been exhausted all week, all because I went to see World Party perform in San Francisco on Wednesday. I bought a t-shirt and ate a whole pizza, so it was pretty awesome. Oh, and the music was good too.

If you live on Earth, you've probably heard a lot of talk about the US 'Fiscal Cliff' recently, but probably don't know what it is. I don't either, and I'm not one to talk about things I don't understand, so you won't be getting any information from me.

HA! I'm just pullin' your leg. Of COURSE I talk about things I don't understand. I'm an American. Anyway, the fiscal cliff is the US's self-imposed deadline to create a budget plan for the next year. If the plan isn't passed, it will almost inevitably trigger a new recession. So, why haven't we gotten a budget passed yet? Well, you have John F**king Boehner to thank for that. Although the Obama administration has given him several possible courses of action, he's laughed them all off.

Enter... THE SUPERCOMMITTEE!!!

Yes, the Supercommittee, whose job it was to create a bipartisan compromise between both Republicans and Democrats. I know, I know--- they were going up against incredible odds. And yes, they failed in a spectacular way that almost guaranteed box-office success.

Anyway, it's probably going to come down to 11:59 on the day of the deadline before they reach a compromise. Kind of sounds like me when I write an essay. Hey... maybe I'd make a good senator!

Bye!

Sexual Predator Drone

Hey, peeps. I've had a vicious cold for the past few days, so I haven't blogged. I mostly lay in bed watching old Futurama episodes. Yeah, I'm getting a little obsessed. And if you don't like it, BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!

Of course, I told my friends that I went to Sweden this weekend for four days, where I discovered that those geniuses at Ikea had developed a machine that travels through time. Hmm... I wish there was a shorter way of saying that. Anyway, I told them that I went back in time and tried to kill Hitler, but hit the wrong date and killed Kennedy instead. Whoops.

MEANWHILE... IN ACTUAL NEWS... There's a big scandal floating around that General Petraeus has been having an affair with the woman who wrote a biography about him. That's fan fiction gone BAD. And if you know what fan fiction is, then you know how bad it gets... I'm getting off track here. Petraeus has had to resign from his post as director of the CIA to 'spend more time with his family'. Translation: He has some serious explaining to do, and it's going to take him a while.


Maybe I could have found a better visual aid there. He looks like he's doing Gangnam Style. AH, CRAP, now it's stuck in my head again. Op, op, op, op, oppa Gangnam Style! AAAARGH, it's infectious...

So, it's been a rocky re-entry for the Obama administration so far, but it's going far worse on the other side of the aisle. The Republicans are still foaming at their mouths over the CRUSHING defeat they suffered last Tuesday at the hands of The Great Campaigner. And according to some studies, this is an indication of a national trend, which shows that the whole country has begun to lean further and further to the left. Eventually, the GOP will die out.

And I'm happy. I won't miss them at all... at all...

Okay, I'll be honest. I NEED the GOP. Without them, who will I devote entire blog posts to? Who will make those lovably moronic statements like the classic "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" Or maybe "I believe that human being and fish can coexist peacefully." It's absolutely classic. I swear, I tear up whenever I hear that.

So, will the GOP begin to revert back to its original mission of fiscal responsibility, or will it eventually eat itself? I hope it's not the latter. As much as these guys piss me off, it would be even WORSE if I had nobody to argue with.

Bye!

A Veritable Republicane

My birthday is tomorrow, just putting that out there. I hope some of my less-intelligent friends can refrain from telling everyone that they should sing the stupid birthday song. You see, my school is really spirited (which frustrates me), and they have their own birthday song which is ten times longer than the original. It's exhausting. So people, I don't want any big celebration tomorrow. Just presents. Lots and lots of presents.

My biggest and best birthday gift this year was, of course, Obama's re-election. I went out of my way to turn fate for the Democrats last night-- I saw a shooting star and wished for Obama's second term, and I turned back when a black cat walked across the road. Call me superstitious, but in an election year, every little bit helps.

Meanwhile, the Republicans are playing the blame game for who is responsible for Romney's loss. It'll be a few months before they stop, and their first victim is Chris Christie, New Jersey's governor and the guy who recently came out and commended the president for his efforts in the hurricane relief. I've hated Christie for a while, but, like Herman Cain, he seems to have redeemed himself. He's reached across party lines for the good of his state, which is something you rarely see these days. Kudos, Christie.


Right... anyhow, the Republicans aren't happy with what he said, and thought that he should have also commended Romney for his efforts in hurricane relief. And he probably would have, if he had done anything. Then again, Romney isn't necessarily in a position of power to try and help out. And we'll fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.

It looks as if my initial prediction was wrong: The hurricane actually helped Obama win. Now, you may have noticed that I haven't covered the hurricane so much, seeing as I'm an awesome rockin' Californian who's three hours behind you peons on the east coast. But I have no idea how to donate to the Red Cross via texting or whatever. I have not a clue how it works. You'd think that I, being an almost-15-year-old Californian, would have at least a mediocre grasp of technology, but no. So, people? Donate to the Red Cross via... something. That's all I got.

Bye!

Election Night, Part VI

A more fitting end to this campaign couldn't have been imagined. Romney has given his official concession speech after much deliberation and stalling, and it was just what I should have expected. I WANTED him to flip out and start crying, but no--- He acted almost relieved. It was like he had realized that he had no idea how to run a country, and he wanted it all to be over so he could go to bed.

Meanwhile, the Tea Party wing of the Republicans has cost them several Senate seats, leaving the majority still in the hands of the Democrats. The only victories for the Republicans tonight were the gubernatorial and representative races, which both ended in hefty Republican majorities. But you'll be pleased to hear that Todd Akin lost in a landslide after his 'legitimate rape' comments. I'm overjoyed.

There are probably a lot of Republicans who will start lambasting Romney for being too liberal, and decide to swing even FURTHER to the crazy right-wing. But that's not the case: As old, dumpy white guys from the south begin to either die out or stop voting, the Republicans will need to appeal to a broader group of people. Instead of trying to win over bible-toting, meth-cooking, trailer-living, gun-stockpiling, grit-eating, sodsucking, unshaven wife-beater wearing hicks from Alabama, they need to be more moderate. Instead, they need to win over the Prius-driving, ironic glasses-wearing, coffee-drinking, sushi-eating, laptop-using hipster west-coast techie liberals from Washington. It won't be easy, because they've identified themselves so far as the party of the previous persuasion, but in 100 years I wouldn't be surprised if the Republican party had an entirely different identity (or just didn't exist).


Oh, God, I'm so glad he isn't president. Just so f**king glad...

But until the Republicans can figure out what to do with themselves, it's going to be a rough few years. Even decades, if the right splits into two separate parties. Democrats, meanwhile, are more united than ever. Technically, I identify myself as a Democrat, but I would really love it if there were actually two valid choices between candidates. It would be great. But so far, I have rooted for the best candidate in every election, and it has consistently been a Democrat.

Obama's about to give his acceptance speech, but I don't care. I'm not staying up much longer anyway, and I can only imagine how bad the east coasters are feeling right now. It's 1:30 in the morning... Jesus H. Christ. Heyyy... what if the 'H' in Jesus' name stood for 'Hussein'? And while we're at it, has anyone seen Jesus' birth certificate? Noooooo!

All I can say is that I'm blown away, vindicated, and happily impressed with the American public. Some faith in humanity has been restored.

Bye!