Yessir, That's my Swampy

Hellow, people who are wasting their time reading a blog written by a sarcastic, cynical twelve-year old!!! I have fully recuperated from my aforementioned sleepover (meaning that I am no longer nocturnal), so I can now get back to the usual blogging arrangement: I say a bad pun, everyone groans, and we move on. Here's one for you: What do you get when you cross a dog with a fruit?

A melon-collie!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!

Hey, where'd everybody go?

On a darker note, it's been a week and a half since I got back from spring break, and I can already tell you, I have a serious problem.

The Swamp is back.

As I hope you remember, The Swamp is an evil and disgusting creature that lives in the recesses of my three-ring binder and is made up of loose papers and crumpled-up school assignments. At its peak, it was five inches thick. That's thicker than the first three 'Harry Potter' books. That was when my homeroom teacher told me I had to clean it out. I was a little nervous, seeing as it devoured that one kid who suggested that I clean it, but by the end of spring break, The Swamp was gone.

Within three days of my return to White Hill Middle School, however, there were 23 new loose papers in my binder. I thought it was nothing to worry about, but by the end of last week, it had mushroomed into the hideous creature that I call 'Swamp Jr.'

WE'RE ALL DOOOOOOOMED!!!

Here's a pic:

If this swamp gets as bad as the previous one (no, that picture is not NEARLY as bad as the original), then we have a chance of it engulfing the entire bay area and merging with its inhabitants' collective consciousness. It will then devour the entire midwest, starting with Nevada and Utah, then make its way to the Appalachian Mountains and eat the Carolinas and Kentucky, and finally make its way north to eat Michigan, New York, and Maine.

As they say, 'Today, the binder, tomorrow THE WORLD!!!'

Bye!

Sleepover and Out

Yo! I just had an incredible sleepover at my friend's house! We went bowling, played 'Call of Duty' on his XBox, and ate so much ice cream that we exploded. It went great, until SOMEone kept farting and muttering their girlfriend's name in their sleep. This person shall remain nameless, mainly because he'd kill me if I said his name, but also because I'm just not that cruel to expose someone's flatulence. Here's a pic of Call of Duty:

This is possibly the craziest video game ever. You battle the other players in a free-for all (or you can gang up against someone) across numerous maps. My favorites are Terminal, where you're at an airport, Rust, where you battle around a massive, rusted chunk of machinery, and Underpass, which has a TON of tall grass to hide in and snipe people.

Also, my band played at our school again and we kicked butt, except the part where we had to play with the fifth graders. They can get really annoying, and their songs are insanely easy. And now I have Surfin' USA stuck in my head, since that's what they made us play with them.

I'm insanely excited about our new assignment in Language Arts: write a persuasive essay. I'm going to write it about the Tea Party and their incredible stupidity.

This'll go very well.

My friend is writing about changing clothes in PE, and it's going to be good. I've always hated changing into 'White Hill Wildcats' clothes every time I have PE, and maybe, just maybe, we have something here that'll change that. As I say, 'That part of school teaches you a very important skill in life: How to change clothes'. If you didn't catch the sarcasm there, we have a communication problem here.

Bye!

YO! Semite

Greetings, human playthings! I am on spring break, and I just got back from my trip to Yosemite! I made a Snowball of Mass Destruction (SMD), built three snowmen on the stairs to our hotel room, and ate a garlic pepperoni pizza for lunch! As you may have guessed, it went GREAT!

I also went to Chinatown in SF the other day and bought an extendable fork, a whoopee cushion, and a stress weiner! (It's not what you think. It's a foam hot dog. What did you think it was, you sick, sick person?).

Oh, and join me soon for my very last blog.

VERY, VERY LATE APRIL FOOL'S!!! Introducing the iTurd.

Everyone, I'm a HUUUUUGE fan of iTechnology. IPods, iPads, iSporks. Which is why I, in the interest of capitalizing off of every craze that America has, I am pleased to introduce...

The iBurger.

The iBurger has the most state-of-the-art iTechnology. It has a sesame seed bun app, a mayo app, and three different cheese apps! It has some of the newest games, such as 'Lettuce Eat You', 'Mustard up Your Strength', and 'I Think I'll Ketchup to You'!

This is truly the greatest iObject ever. It's the best thing since the iBrain, which does all that pesky thinking for only $79.99 a month!!!

Bye!

Michael: Man of Steele

Hello, hello, hello, people who are wasting their time reading this blog! But if you are in fact reading this, don't go away. I need the readership. Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is the GOP, and specifically, Michael Steele. Democrats have come to love Michael, as he is currently the main provider of Republican scandals, ranging from wasting funds and causing the GOP's money to dwindle from 23 million dollars to only 8 million, to apparently having people in his inner circle to visit a 'lesbian bondage club' in LA. Ouch. This guy's in deeep shitake mushrooms.

People all over the country have been criticizing Steele, but here's the kicker: The GOP doesn't want to fire Steele from his position as a chairman of the Republican National Committee because they're afraid that they'll appear racist (if I didn't mention this before, Mikey here is African-American). He's the very first African-American to actually serve on the RNC, and if the GOP fires him, let's just say that Keith Olbermann will have a field day.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: No man with friends is a failure--- provided that his friends aren't imaginary.

And now for the first use of my new feature (to replace MASTER PLAN), called SCATHINGLY BRILLIANT IDEAS!!! My brilliant idea for today has to do with America's new favorite pastime, 3-D movies!!!

3-D movies have actually been around for quite a while, but we've only started getting back into them around December 2009, when Avatar became the highest grossing movie ever, causing it to also become the best movie ever (the dollars have spoken!!! Sorry, Star Wars). The only downside is that you still have to wear uncomfortable, clunky, awkward 3-D glasses. People have been complaining all over the place. So, my brilliant solution? MAKE A GIANT

3-D GLASSES LENSE, AND COVER THE SCREEN WITH IT!!! As far as I know, it'll work great!!! And there's no downside at all!!! So IN YOUR FACE, 3-D movies! With one paragraph in an obscure, barely known blog, I've solved your industries' biggest problem!

And now it's time for...

A CYNICAL TIRADE OF REPUBLICAN-NESS with your host, Bob Selkowitz.

It's the end of the world. My god, I'm going to jump off a cliff. OBAMA IS BACKING OFFSHORE DRILLING!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!! HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD! At this very moment, dogs must be eating monkeys! The north and south poles must be switched! Everything is upside-down and backwards!!! That's it. If Obama's going to say 'Drill, Baby, Drill', I think I might just shoot myself right now.

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

Okay, I'm going to have to end this blog right now. We need to get Bob Selkowitz to the emergency room.

Bye!!!

!

KOBASSA KADASSA! Sorry, that was random. But as you can see from my title, I am very excited, because I just discovered how to make an incredible array of crazy symbols using just the 'shift' and 'alt option' keys. The apple is made by holding down alt option and shift while hitting 'k', like this:



Ta-daaah! There are thousands of other useful symbols too, such as ¡, ≠, ∞, ÷, ®, ˚, ™, ¶, •, π, ·, ◊, ¿, -–—, ‰, so on and so forth. And don't think for a MOMENT that I'm going to tell you how to make those. Finding them is part of the fun.

Anyway, spring break is here, and I'm not going to Florida. Therefore, the next nine days will be very boring, with the exception that we will be going to Yosemite National Park. Otherwise, it'll just be me and my friends goofing around and throwing stuff at each other randomly, like those chimps I saw on TV.

Get out of my suit, chimp. This isn't Planet of the Apes.

Another highlight of my vacation will be the monthly cleaning out and maintenance of The Swamp, the mutated, messy, evil, soulless being that inhabits my backpack and is made up of all my past school assignments. For your reading pleasure, I now present to you... THE LIST OF THINGS THE SWAMP HAS EATEN!!!!!

• An orange

• Some weeds I pulled up from the ground

• A milk carton

• Three issues of MAD Magazine

• My homework

• A guy named Kyle

• A plastic Easter egg

• Nearly all my mechanical pencils

• A napkin

• My shoelaces

My teacher told me to clean out the swamp over break or I'd be in at lunch EVERY DAY until I cleaned it out. I hope it's not reading this. Knowing it, if it thinks I'm going to try and kill it, it'll eat me in my sleep. I know it's capable of acts like this. Look at one of its victims.

Bye!

Bail Me Out, Part II

ALL RIGHT!!! IT'S BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE I ASKED FOR A CORPORATE BAILOUT!!! I'm sure that I've accumulated a massive amount of greenbacks! Let's check the official Cash Counter® to see how much money I've received.

And the total comes to...

$17.26!!! Oh, never mind. That's just my allowance and some dough I found on the ground. Still waiting for that check, Feds.

I have two blog announcements to make: First off, I deleted my 'Obama VS Nute Gunray' video, for the simple reason that it was just way too bad. Having the president and a fictional character from the Star Wars universe duke it out over health care reform is just a little too weird for me. In its' place I have a legal disclaimer which is probably more interesting than the video itself was.

And secondarily, for ink conserving reasons, the feature 'An old man rant with Bob Selkowitz' will be toned down to the following: A CYNICAL TIRADE OF REPUBLICAN-NESS with your host, Bob Selkowitz.

Isn't that much better? And if you want to print this blog out (trust me, you don't), then you can conserve ink cartridges, too! And speaking of which, it's time for...

A CYNICAL TIRADE OF REPUBLICAN-NESS with your host, Bob Selkowitz.

Back in the good old days of the founding fathers, no one needed today's so-called 'medicine' or 'science'. If you got sick or died, it was because of ill humors, not 'cancer' or 'old age' or 'being mortal'. Things were so much simpler back then. But now, people are questioning everything. If I think that drinking Vaseline® is good for me, that's my business. So scientists: STAY OUT OF OUR HOMES!!! I don't want a 'doctor' telling me to take pills, or a 'dentist' telling me to brush with Crest®, or a 'scientist' telling me that the migratory patterns of monarch butterflies should affect my life. CHAOS THEORY MY ASS!!! Don't believe me? On 'NOVA' the other week, they had a program about butterflies. I watched about two minutes of it before being bored out of my mind. Why should I care about this thing?

Pretty.

The point is, science should not pertain to any aspect of my life. God gave us all free will, so I guess it was inevitable that some drunken guy named Charles Darwin went to the Galapagos Islands for spring break, snorted some finches, and decided to write a book about it. If these heathens want to reject God, fine. Just don't try to indoctrinate me. This is why I've paid the cable company extra to just give me two channels: FOX and that channel that carries World's Biggest Loser. Or maybe they're the same. But still: I don't want some scientist barging into my TV like they do on the Discovery Channel and tell me that earthquakes are caused by tectonic 'plates' underneath the 'crust' of the 'Earth'. If I think that it's just God jiggling the globe because he's mad at Haiti...

...that's MY business!!!

EMP: Electromagnetic Pelosi

DEMOCRATS HAVE PASSED HEALTH CARE REFORM!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOO! Sorry I didn't talk about this in my previous blog, 2001: A Space Idiocy, but I only just realized that I hadn't talked about the triumph of the Democrats!!! Their first one!!!

And, as you may have guessed, the Health Care Reform Bill is the subject of today's TOPIC OF INTEREST. But first, a notice:

Yes, I did two blogs in one day. The split is for the sole reason of not making 2001: A Space Idiocy go on as long as my longest blog ever, Spider-Sham. I NEED to talk about health care.

Okay. Just last week, Obama signed the Health Care Reform Bill, using 22 pens (to give to everyone who helped make the bill possible). The bill says....

SNORE....

Anyway, it seems that I can't talk about what's actually IN the bill without causing my readership to fail dramatically. So, to win my readers back, I present the following picture:

All right! Looook! It's an iPad! I'll tell you some secrets about it

that only I know in an upcoming blog! OOOOOOH!!!

Wow, I now have 957 followers. Phew.

Bye!

2001: A Space Idiocy

Helloooooooooooooooo, people who found this blog after searching the web randomly! As you may have guessed from the title, I watched 2001: A Space Odyssey last night. Oy vey. That thing was more confusing than when McCain picked Palin as his VP. The only part of it that I understood was the 'HAL' storyline, with the whole 'Dave? Dave? I don't think I can do that, Dave.'

Anyway, I'm not even going to try to explain this movie, at risk of causing my readers' heads to explode.

However, moving on: My April Fool's Day pranks went off without a hitch. I stole everything out of my friend's desk, scattering it all over the room (I hid his eraser in the paper towel dispenser). For those of you who think that's too cruel, he had just done the same to me, and I never take a prank laying down. The exploding wasabi, however, didn't work as well. Let's just say I'll be staying after school for the next 5 1/2 years.

And now it's time for...

AN OLD MAN RANT FROM BOB '5-SHOT' SELKOWITZ. The following is not typed or produced by any liberal at G-force nerdworld. The editor and writer of this blog would like to sincerely apologize for the upcoming idiotic Republican rant.

Well, another Easter is here, and you know what that means: Un-pious Democrat bastards will be trying to drop your freshly dyed eggs off the roof of a house. And it's all because of that Kenyan Muslim Socialist Communist Fascist Baby-killing tree-hugging abortion-loving A-1

A-hole BARACK OBAMA. This guy is trying to destroy Easter, along with America, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Independence Day, and your grandmother. But now, people are fighting back, and you can too! Simply complete the following puzzle to find out Obama's evil plot!!!

What is Obama's agenda? Label the following atrocities from one to twenty, in the order that our Kenyan Muslim Socialist president will carry them out!!!

_Marry all gay people in your living room _Shoot a blow-dart at your grandmother's IV bag

_Take away all your guns and cars _Abduct your kids and send them to Al-Qaeda school

_Plaster you with solar panels _Send Joe Biden into your house to bore you to death

_Steal all your three-ply toilet paper _Blow up your nativity scene next Christmas

_Bulldoze your house and turn the lot into a highway for illegal immigrants to come through en route from Mexico to America---- TO STEAL YOUR JOB!!!

_Force-feed you spinach _Use the census information to create an internment camp for pundits

_Change the shape of hot dogs _Disband all churches _Implant a virus in your iPod

_Give Barney Frank a degree in medicine--- HE IS NOW YOUR DOCTOR!!!

_Force all men to have sex-changes, implant a fetus, and abort it _Strangle your pets

_Give all Democrats tax cuts _Declare official war on FOX News

_Demolish Texas and build a 'Monument to Marxism' on the place where Dallas once stood

Thanks!!!

P.S.--- Print this off, fill it out, cut it out, and glue it to your forehead. While it will not protect you from Obama, it will let his agents know you're on to him!