Cowboys and Idiots

I went to see Cowboys and Aliens yesterday, and I was unimpressed. It didn't deliver the thrills and insanity that you'd expect from a movie entitled something as ludicrous as 'Cowboys and Aliens'. What's more disappointing is that it was directed by John Favreau, the same guy who directed Iron Man.

That said, the wrist-thingy was incredible. I want one.

The plot was completely incomprehensible. Let's count the different plots and loose ends, SHALL WE?

1) Daniel Craig/wrist thingy

2) Daniel Craig & Olivia Wilde

3) Daniel Craig/ memory loss

4) Daniel Craig & dead wife

5) Harrison Ford & Daniel Craig

6) Harrison Ford & son

7) Harrison Ford & adopted son (who he really likes more than actual son)

8) Olivia Wilde/ aliens

9) Oliva Wilde is actually an alien (oops! spoiler!)

10) Indian Chief & indians

11) Indian Chief & Harrison Ford

12) Indian Chief & Harrison Ford's adopted son, who is an indian himself.

13) Harrison Ford & little kid

14) Little kid & Grandpa (who dies)

15) Daniel Craig & past life (he was a bandit)

16) Bartender & wife

17) Bartender can't shoot a gun

18) Bartender & little kid's grandpa

19) Oh, and then there's the aliens.

Because all these plots have to intertwine, there's very little time left in the movie for any Cowboys Vs Aliens battles. I won't spoil it for you any more, but just don't bother going to see it. It's a waste of Harrison Ford. I gotta go with Rotten Tomatoes on this one-- 4/10 stars.

Bye!

Corporal America

I saw Captain America: The First Avenger, and I wasn't paying as much attention to the story as I was to one nagging question: Where did he get this rank from? What were his accomplishments as Lieutenant America? And, if he's supposed to be an authority figure, why isn't he Five-Star General America?

That said, Captain America kinda sucks. His only power is punching. Not so cool when you compare it to other heroes, such as Iron Man, Green Lantern, Batman, Superman, Spider-man, The Hulk, The X-Men, The Flash, The Green Hornet, The Submariner, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Daredevil. Even Aquaman has him beat. He does, however, trump the Fantastic Four.

I swear, no other country has their own superhero. There's no 'Lesotho Man' or 'Captain Moldova'. In fact, I don't know of a single superhero from another country. WAIT... there was a crappy Canadian one. Called... who the hell knows.

So, the Captain America movie was cheesy, corny, pretty stupid at points, and somewhat incoherent. But it was the best superhero movie of 2011, so I'm giving it 6/10 stars. Also, Red Skull was pretty good.

Bye!

P.S. I neglected to mention Alpha Flight, Morbius, Starman, the six different generations of X-Men, Captain Marvel, Captain Planet, Cable, Cypher, Deadpool, Green Arrow (DC likes the color green), Dr Manhattan, Mr Fantastic, Fantabulaman, The Punisher, The Comedian, Rorschach, Nite Owl, Wasp, Robin, Superwoman, Batwoman, Spider-girl, Radioactive Man, and Leekar-Man.

Murder by Murdoch

I'm really, really, really, REALLY tired. I went to sleep at one in the morning and woke up at noon. My entire rhythm is thrown off. Probably because I went to sleep at midnight the night before and woke up at 11:00... it's a long story.

Breaking news in the News of the World scandal-- The whistle blower who exposed the entire thing has been found dead. Scotland Yard says it's not suspicious. I guess I can't argue with that.

Oh, and Rupert Murdoch was nearly creamed in the face with a pie while he was addressing Parliament. He was narrowly saved by his ninja wife, who whacked the attacker over the head with her purse. Yeah. That's right.

So, if you'll look at that picture, the woman in pink is Murdoch's wife. You can't even SEE Murdoch through the flurry of punches she's throwing. Actually, I don't even know if anyone told him he was being attacked.

So, the man on the right is Murdoch. While he's addressing Parliament.

Asleep.

I'm really having fun with this story.

Bye!

De-faulty

In the next two weeks, the US will be severely tested.

Democrats and Republicans will have to actually sit next to each other in the same room, without wearing nose clips.

We will have to agree on a budget.

No one WANTS to do this, of course. It's very, very boring work. And as John Boehner said, 'It's so, so, so hard'. But we have to. If we don't, we will default on our loans, and (according to Stephen Colbert), China will pull a pickup truck up to the midwest and tow away Kansas. The question is, would we miss it?

I guess there are worse countries we could have taken out a loan from. How is it that the US is TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS in debt, but remains to be one of the guiding world economies? It's unbe-f***ing-lievable! Greece isn't a hugely important piece of the world economy! Well, I guess it is, but only because there's so many riots going on over there, their yogurt curdled.

So, at the end of the day, we could end up in complete default. Which, apparently, would screw us all. But why is it that when BANKS default, THEY get 700 billion dollars? All COUNTRIES get is... well... nothing, apparently.

And the scariest part is that, if we DO default, no one really knows what China will do. They could ask for their money back. Yeah, that's right--- ALL OF IT. But China wouldn't do that, because the resulting cataclysm could destroy the world economy entirely. I mean, they wouldn't do that!

Eep.

We're screwed.

Bye!

'News' of the World

So, I haven't blogged for a while, and I need to catch up on what's been going on in the world, specifically Britian. An ancient tabloid called News of the World (which is an outlandishly stupid name) has apparently done some very bad things. Let's recap, SHALL WE?

1) News of the World hacked into the cell phones of victims of 9/11

2) They also hacked the phones of british soldiers who had been killed during tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, hoping to get some inside information.

3) They hacked the phone of a missing girl, and actually deleted some messages, causing the family of the girl and the police to believe that she was alive, and deleting the messages herself. She was later found to be dead.

4) This may be the most egregious of them all: They hacked Hugh Grant. How DARE you, News of the World? It's one thing to hack the phones of people who died tragic deaths, and then publish your findings in a tabloid, but to HACK HUGH GRANT? Despicable.

Now, technically, I'm not supposed to be reporting on this. You see, G-Force and its subsidiaries (Wikininja and Vertpac) are owned entirely by Newscorp, which also owns News of the World and FOX 'News'. The entire system is owned by Rupert Murdoch, the Australian five-time winner of the 'Biggest Asshole' award for excellence in the field of being an asshole. But it's my job as a thirteen year-old blogger to report on this, and that's what I'm gonna do. Unfortunately, FOX doesn't have the guts that I do.

You see, a group of FOX reporters were sitting around during a commercial break, and thought it would be fun to talk about the subject and throw the conversation up on the web. Well, that didn't go so good-- They ended up sitting there saying things like 'Does anyone want to talk about the subject we're not supposed to talk about?' It's a little frustrating... wait. My phone's ringing. I gotta take this.

What? LORD MURDOCH! Uh... yeah. Well... it's just a blog. Yes. I did say News of the World was despicable. No. NO! NOT THE RACK! PLEASE! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL BE GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!....

<< His great and powerful exaltedness, blessings and peace be upon him.

Uzbekistan

So, I was looking at my blog's country stats (showing how many times each country has read my blog), and I noticed that the 'Stan' family of countries was conspicuously absent. In the interest of being read in a 'Stan' before the year is out, I picked a random 'Stan' country (Uzbekistan) to devote this post to. Hopefully, blogging about Uzbekistan-related topics will encourage someone from Uzbekistan to visit my blog. So the rest of this post will be devoted to me, speaking directly to Uzbekistan.

Disclaimer: I got all the following information off of Wikipedia.

Hey, Uzbekistan! How are things going with the Aral Sea? It's really a shame that it's drying up.

But enough about major ecological disasters-- How's the province of Qashqadaryo Viloyati? I'm sure it's great, as always. Hey, I'd like to congratulate you on being a member of The Commonwealth of Independent States! And before that, you were an province of the Soviet Union! Very nice.

Now that I've warmed up to you, I've got to say something--- you have to cut back on your religious intolerance. Just because an estimated 96.3% of your population is muslim, that doesn't mean your government has to ban all religious activities not approved by the state. You don't have to get rid of all the intolerance overnight, just set a reachable goal and meet it, and you'll feel like you accomplished something.

Moving on, I notice that besides Lichtenstein, you're the world's only doubly landlocked country! That's very... YAWN... fascinating.

You're somewhat famous in sports, too--- You're home to the cyclist Djamolidine Abdoujaparov! How exciting!

So, how about geography? I notice that a massive chunk of your landmass is taken up by the Kyzyl Kum desert! And your highest point is Khazret Sultan, a mountain standing 15,233 feet above sea level!

On to politics: How's it going with President Islam Karimov and Prime Minister Shavkat Mirziyayev? I see Karimov has been your president since you declared independence from the Soviet Union in 1990. And I understand that Mirziyayev was the governor of the Jizzakh Province before he became PM.

Well, I guess I'd better wrap this up, because my regular readers are learning more about Uzbekistan than they ever cared to know. Bye!

PS: Good to know that Osama bin Laden wasn't hiding in Tashkent after all!

<< Scenic Uzbekistan

Harry Potter and the Boring Movie, Part Two of Part Seven

So, I was conned into seeing the new Harry Potter movie, and it met all my expectations, in that it sucked. Maybe it was a good movie beneath the surface, but I can never get over the whole 'Pretty Magic' and wand-y part of it. It's ridiculous.

The entire series is extremely melodramatic. Half the time is spend with a bumpy, close up image of Daniel Radcliffe saying 'NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Also, I never saw Part Seven, Part One, so I was completely lost. There was something about an elbow wand... and a house by the beach... but other than that, I don't find it too memorable.

The people in the audience seemed to enjoy it, though. They would whoop and cheer whenever someone died, stabbed something, or made out. It was bordering on obsessive.

A quick word of explanation for those of you who saw the picture before you read this post: I refuse to have an actual Harry Potter picture besmirch my beautiful, beautiful blog. That's why I put in this:

Yeah. There's a movie worth seeing. And this is not a lie: The Terminator got 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Go ahead, look it up.

The way the Harry Potter movies are filmed sickens me. In the entire two hours, there must have been, like, five words per ten minutes. The rest was dark, dramatic shots of snake-head man and the castle being ripped apart.

By the way-- 'He who must not be named'? That's stupid. Try 'What's-his-face'.

On another subject, my camera has officially kicked the bucket. The lens is shot, meaning that I can no longer look at or upload pictures of my trip. Sad face. And even if I could, I don't have any more. The iguana ran off and we haven't been able to find him.

Bye!

The Aftermath (Part Six)

So, I'm not going to go through the trouble of explaining to you how I got these pictures. You'd be disgusted. But here are some more pictures of my forgotten trip!

Now, I don't want to hear any comments. Okay? Yes, that is Pac-Man. And a quartet of camels. Now, I don't know why I have a picture of some camels after I went to ENGLAND AND FRANCE, but I have a lead on the Pac-Man. In France, Pac-Man is supposed to be very popular, and all over France, little Pac-Man murals and paintings have sprung up. And I was watching National Treasure: Book of Secrets, when I noticed that the French Statue of Liberty has a Pac-Man on it, just like the one in the picture! And I am NOT making this up. It's like no one else has ever noticed it! It boggles the mind!

Really, at the end of the day, you have to wonder why it is that when you google 'Pac-Man Statue of Liberty France', you don't find a picture of this thing! Holy god!

It's very frustrating, and this still doesn't bring me any closer to comprehending what happened on my trip. All I have left to figure out is some camels and an iguana. This was the weirdest two weeks of my life, which is really saying a lot.

Bye!

Super Eight-Ball

Hey, people! I haven't been able to blog for a few days, because I played the new Call of Duty map pack until my eyes fell out, then I got an ear infection, and then my keyboard exploded... but that story's pretty boring.

So, I just saw Super 8 about ten minutes ago, and it totally blew my mind. Unfortunately, it was a little to derivative of other movies (a-hem, Close Encounters) that were much better than it. Still, you go in with the knowledge that it was made by the people who brought you Star Trek and Raiders of the Lost Ark, and you don't end up disappointed.

It was such a freaking cliche, though! It was possibly the most predictable movie I've ever seen. I could literally call out what was going to happen next. And as soon as you see a guy standing alone in the night, you can pretty much say, 'Oh, he's dead'. And I was also very disappointed in the alien. All they could come up with was a mutant spider with a few more limbs? Sigh. Final score: 7/10 stars.

But while we're on the subject of movies, here's an interesting anecdote-- and this is 100% true-- they plan on making a movie out of Angry Birds. Yes. Angry. Birds. The iPod app. The game with the weird little red bird who blows stuff up. And if you don't believe me, click HERE for the evidence.

I was saying a few months back that they should make a movie out of Tetris, with Keanu Reeves as the upright orange block. Now that doesn't seem so far off. And they're thinking of putting Space Invaders on the big screen, too.

At this point in human history, it's safe to say that anything goes. Why not a Fruit Ninja movie? How about Lightbike? Maybe Frogger? Pac-man? Asteroids? It's blowing my mind! The possibilities are endless! Parcheesi? Ah! I have it! THE SCRABBLE MOVIE!

It's time to begin production. But writing the script will be hard-- I only get to use seven f'n letters!

Bye!

INDEPENDENCE DAY

So, today is the Fourth of July, and that means its time for another spectacular viewing of, in my opinion, one of the greatest movies of all time:

INDEPENDENCE DAY.

I just so happen to own this movie, and it is a massive, blow-em-up, total alien carnage epic starring Will Smith. And it's definitely on my top ten list. If you have never seen it, you need to watch it and be BLOWN AWAY. Here's a pic:

Oh, my god, it's like, the best movie ever!!! Okay, I say that about a lot of movies (Tron: Legacy, Source Code, Inception, Paul, Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Avatar, I, Robot, Die Hard, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Close Encounters, The Terminator, The Matrix, Limitless, Pirates of the Caribbean, Transformers, Help, Salt, Get Smart, Galaxy Quest, Evolution, The Good The Bad and the Ugly, Dirty Harry, The Illusionist, District Nine, National Treasure, 50/50, The Losers, Paul, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Jurassic Park, Gattaca, Watchmen, Eagle Eye, Spaceballs, Lord of the Rings, Ocean's Eleven, Star Trek, The Wrath of Khan, Men in Black, Sleeper, Animal House, Beverly Hills Cop, Jaws, The Hangover, and Bad Movie). But really, this is one of the most fantastic movies ever. It has a whopping 99% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is in no way a lie.

So, in short, go out and celebrate today. Attach an American flag to your bike and ride around town. And if you're reading this from some other country... well... Okay, France, happy early Bastille Day! See, I didn't forget you.

Bye!