Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!

Reformers

I'm a little fearful for my safety right now. You see, my blog was just read in Albania for the first time, and it seems as if the obvious reason is my recent post about Taken 2. However, the translation might not be very good (especially the part about nuking Tirana), so I'm thinking an Albanian death squad might show up at my door soon and abduct me. Heyyyy.... that's a good plot for Taken 3.

They won't find me, though. My hometown is awesome. I can vanish into the streets of San Francisco or escape to the hills of Novato if I want to. And speaking of which, there's a big Bay Area-related news story this week: METEORITES!!!

A big red streak shot across the sky the other night, making so much God damn noise that people thought it was another earthquake. I didn't notice it (I was watching Goodfellas, and there's a lot of big booms in that movie), but I heard it was pretty awesome. A frickin' meteor landed in upper Marin. BAD-ASS. So now there's a ton of space rock enthusiasts dicking around in the hills trying to find it.

Now, does this remind you of something? The last time a meteor landed in California, THIS happened:


So be prepared for more crappy sequels.

Let's also not forget the movie Evolution, where an asteroid full of microbes landed in the Mojave Desert and they evolved into a bunch of crazy mutant creatures... yeah, okay. It was kind of bad.

In other non-alien related news, Paul Ryan f**ked up again. Sorry, did I say NON-alien related? Anyway... the Vice-Presidential hopeful apparently barged into a soup kitchen in a pathetic attempt to feel the plight of the working stiff. He did many helpful things, including pissing off everyone who actually worked there and cleaning plates that were already clean.

Also, Romney and his cronies are trying to undo the damage done by his piddling little debate performance last week. The third and final debate is on Monday, so be prepared. My only concern is that my mom might not let me watch it. The Giants have a playoff game then. But for a little more election fun, click on one of the following links:
The Real Mitt Romney
Romney Style
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY: Romney V Obama

Bye!

Cowboys and Idiots

I went to see Cowboys and Aliens yesterday, and I was unimpressed. It didn't deliver the thrills and insanity that you'd expect from a movie entitled something as ludicrous as 'Cowboys and Aliens'. What's more disappointing is that it was directed by John Favreau, the same guy who directed Iron Man.

That said, the wrist-thingy was incredible. I want one.

The plot was completely incomprehensible. Let's count the different plots and loose ends, SHALL WE?

1) Daniel Craig/wrist thingy

2) Daniel Craig & Olivia Wilde

3) Daniel Craig/ memory loss

4) Daniel Craig & dead wife

5) Harrison Ford & Daniel Craig

6) Harrison Ford & son

7) Harrison Ford & adopted son (who he really likes more than actual son)

8) Olivia Wilde/ aliens

9) Oliva Wilde is actually an alien (oops! spoiler!)

10) Indian Chief & indians

11) Indian Chief & Harrison Ford

12) Indian Chief & Harrison Ford's adopted son, who is an indian himself.

13) Harrison Ford & little kid

14) Little kid & Grandpa (who dies)

15) Daniel Craig & past life (he was a bandit)

16) Bartender & wife

17) Bartender can't shoot a gun

18) Bartender & little kid's grandpa

19) Oh, and then there's the aliens.

Because all these plots have to intertwine, there's very little time left in the movie for any Cowboys Vs Aliens battles. I won't spoil it for you any more, but just don't bother going to see it. It's a waste of Harrison Ford. I gotta go with Rotten Tomatoes on this one-- 4/10 stars.

Bye!

Completely APauled

I just saw the best movie ever.

It's called Paul (you may not have heard of it), and it's about two british nerds who go to Comic-con in San Diego, then, while traveling through Area 51 on a road trip, they meet an alien named Paul. I don't want to spoil this for anyone, so I will offer up some overview in invisible ink. If you want some spoilers, highlight the following blank space with your cursor. I will warn you, though, it's somewhat raunchy. You've been warned.

The two guys are, as I said, from the UK, and together created a comic book about a green woman with three boobs. Yeah, that's right. After they meet Paul, dozens of movie references start showing up; at the end, they send Paul back home at Devil's Tower. Interestingly enough, one of the British guys is named Graham.

Also, they meet up with a devout Christian who, as soon as she sees Paul, has a total spasm and starts singing 'Amazing Grace'. Soon enough, she realizes that evolution is not a myth (but it took Paul's memory infusion to do it). There's another reason why this is the best movie ever.

Some funny quotes:

Other guy: (faints after seeing Paul for the first time).

Graham: What did you do to him?

Paul: He fainted.

Graham: But you... you MADE him faint!

Paul: Look, it's not like I set my phaser on 'faint'.

Graham: You have a phaser?!?!?!

Throughout the movie, people see the cover of their comic book and repeatedly say (and I type this ONLY because it was a direct quote from the movie): 'Three tits. Awesome'. At the end, an alien lands a ship to pick up Paul, and Paul hands him the comic. The alien then says this line in some bizarre Klingon-esque language.

Speaking of languages, here's another quote series:

Graham: How do you speak english?

Paul: What do you mean?

Graham: Do you speak through a voice box, or in some sort of telepathic mind-absorbing thing?

Paul: No, I just SPEAK ENGLISH, you dumbf***!

Okay, phew. That stuff got pretty nasty. Well, if you want to go see it, I don't blame you. It's freakin' awesome.

Bye!

Viva la Evolution!!!

'Sup, Trinidadian and Tobagan people! Yes, my blog has officially been read in Trinidad and/or Tobago! My existence is justified. But these people really need to pick a side: Are they Trinidadian or Tobagan? Or Toboggan, which is much more fun than visiting Tobago.

People, as you may have guessed from the title of this post, I'm talking about evolution. Yes, this supposedly 'controversial' theory has even more new evidence for it: Aliens. You see, most scientists believe we are incredibly close to the find of the century: alien life. We've been hunting for ET since the stone age, and we're practically seconds away from scientific rapture. We've located 40-something planets suitable for life, and there may be life under the ice on the moon Europa.

But this doesn't bode well for the various world religions, namely those who started off saying the Earth was flat, then that Earth was the center of the universe, then that we're the only planet in existence, and now that evolution is a myth. But finding aliens will completely wreck the theory of creation. Which is why I can't wait for CLOSE ENCOUNTERS to occur.

As soon as we find life, the world religions will scramble to explain it, just like when we found out the Earth was round. They'll say stuff like 'Oh, what difference does it make, it's all part of creation'. Well, you know what? That's BS. These people are more annoying than Bill 'O Reilly. Actually that's redundant: Bill 'O Reilly IS one of those people. Here's a direct quote of his on why religion is a fact: WIKININJA

"Sun goes up, sun goes down. Tide comes in, tide comes out. Never a miscommunication."

Billy seems to think that just because he doesn't have the mental capacity to understand something as simple as the tides, he's right about everything. This just goes to show what I've said for years: Billy boy has the brains of a stuffed cabbage.

People, if you've read this blog for a long time, you know that I enjoy hiding little secrets throughout my posts, invisible messages that can only be seen by highlighting the entire post. Well, now I've taken it a step further: I've made invisible links. Find these links to visit other websites that may or may not relate to the topic at hand. Have fun!

Bye!

The Secrets Behind 'G-Force_Ratings'...

Oh, my god!!! I just realized!!! If I do more than one post a day for a couple days, I can do 100 blogs before the new year!!! I hate doing more than one blog on one day, but I have to, for the sake of G-Force_Ratings.

Many of you are probably wondering why I called my blog G-Force_Ratings. Well, the 'G' not only stands for my name, Graham (which can also be written as a circled 'G'), but it also stands for the word 'go'. Go-Force is the second edition of a novel series I am writing about three alien brothers, a buglike dude with a gas mask, a maniacal blue lawn gnome, a six-armed bartender, a grouchy old guy who kills people, a pasty dude with a dot on his forehead, and some orange guy with two tentacles coming off his head. Wow, sounds like something worthy of a MAD Magazine parody. If that's a bad thing. I'm not sure. As you may have guessed, Go-Force is my personal favorite edition to the series, which is why I named my blog after it. See?? It comes full circle!!!

The nine books in the series are:

- Galaxy (the series is named after this book).

- Go-Force

- Bloodstain Joe (named after the main character).

- The Powersource Battles (which is a crappy book. But when it's published, buy it anyway).

- Freeworld

- Squad Nine

- Apocalypse

- Infinite Empire

- Joe Galaxy

I have, however, not gotten much headway on writing them. I don't even know if the final drafts will be books, graphic novels, or what. I've only written Go-Force, Bloodstain Joe, and part of Freeworld. Ouch. I just wanted to do the best first. Next will be Squad Nine.

And, of course, the '_Ratings' part of my blog's title was made on a whim when I decided I would use this blog to talk about what movies you should go see, food you should eat, kind of like the New York Times. If I did this, I might right now be the most respected critic in my hometown of San Anselmo. Or, I could decide to use it to tell you about some random books about aliens that I'll probably never get around to writing.

The choice was simple.

I'll blog you soon.