HalloWHAT THE HELL, WHO FARTED?

Monday is the famous holiday that plays off of our inerrant fear of squash. Halloween is here, and that means we are now engaging in random acts of utter insanity at Ben's house. Luis and Cody are here, and they are literally farting their asses off. It's about 1:40 right now, and the craziness is still going strong. Luis showed up three hours late, so we naturally chucked stuff at him from the balcony, like water balloons and plastic bags.

Then we watched Captain America (again). It's even cornier the third time. And then I went on a completely pointless Minecraft spree and started killing every Creeper, Zombie, Spider, Skeleton, Ghast, Slime, Silverfish, Zombie Pigman, Spider Jockey... the list goes on.

Anyway, I took a break from the action to tell the world some of the most horrific news ever: A Fart of Darkness has been perpetrated.

As you may recall from my previous post, Encyclopedia Brifarttica, the Fart of Darkness is one of the worst possible farts to be perpetrated. So: Read Encyclopedia Brifarttica, and discover the many kinds of extreme flatulence.

Hmmm... X-Treme Flatulence... sounds like a sport. Cody would win the gold.

Bye!

<< The Jack-o-Lantern in Minecraft.

Too Many Choices

In english class, we recently read Robert Frost's 'Two Roads in a Wood' poem, or whatever the hell it's called. We were then assigned to write a poem about choice. My original idea was to write about different kinds of cereal, but my final decision was much better:

I could sit in bed, fake a terrible cough

Not do the assignment and just blow it off.

However, I could get an F in the class

And into High School I never would pass.

A poem by Thursday? My God, that’s insane!

Homework should be banned, it gives me great pain.

I could choose to do it or sit on the couch

And eat bags of Cheetos in a comatose slouch.

I could put it off and then do it at break

But that would just give me a splitting headache.

It’s not enough time, it makes me just sick

Plus I procrastinated ‘till Wednesday at six.

This assignment is driving me out of my mind

The poem’s not finished and it’s almost nine!

I could run away and then go on the lam

And fly to Namibia or Amsterdam.

But really, I know it’s inevitable

I’ll go into class, and then heads will roll.

The thing will be turned in a couple days late

I might as well resign myself to this fate.

It’s better than putting myself through pure hell

Finishing the assignment around about twelve.

And coming to school like a sleep-deprived ape

And falling asleep in class around eight.

I might’ve just done it a bit day by day

Finished it days ahead and then gotten an A.

But apparently that is not my destiny

The poem’s not finished and it’s almost three.

My bed is just screaming “Come lay down, you jerk!”

“The poem aint’ finished, it’s just too much work!”

I could have collapsed in my bed around then

But I plodded on and I didn’t give in.

And when I awoke, my poem was done

I don’t know how it happened, but I wrote a TON.

I made the right choice, so give me an A

I worked way too much to just throw it away.

There you have it. I pasted it from Pages, so the typeface is a little off. Eventually, of course, I chose to write the stupid thing. Still, it's a strong entry to my Bad Poetry file. The last line really makes it. The genius of this poem comes from the fact that I wrote the poem about how much I didn't want to write the poem.

Bye!

An Xterrible Accident

We were driving on the long, windy Bolinas-Fairfax Road when we came across this:

That is a toppled Nissan Xterra. It was empty, making it seem as if someone had stolen the car and then run away in a panic. The interesting thing is that I may be the only person with a picture of this event, making this actual BREAKING NEWS. And if I've learned anything from watching breaking news (or breaking newsgraphics, as the case may be), it's that no story can be drawn out long enough. Here we go!

The car was flipped right at the edge of Alpine Lake Dam. If the car was stolen, it seems the driver came from Bolinas, then made a sharp turn, causing the left side tires to climb up on the hill, tipping the car on its side in the wrong lane. We were just barely able to squeeze by and continue on to Mt. Tam, but on our way up, we saw a park ranger driving like a maniac with sirens on.

Other theories:

#1) A mental patient escaped from a nearby asylum. He tipped the car and ran around in the woods like a nutjob.

#2) Phil, Stu, Allen, and Doug had another bachelor party, this one in San Francisco. At around two in the morning, they got in a car and drove off. This theory would have been perfectly vindicated if there had been a tiger in the backseat.

#3) Aliens landed on the road. The driver panicked, swerved to miss the alien ship, and tipped his car. The aliens then took him into their ship for various forms of probing.

#4) The driver was incredibly high and is right now sitting in a tree down at Alpine Lake holding a stick, thinking it's the steering wheel.

#5) Loch Ness surfaced from the depths of Alpine Lake. The driver was understandably distracted. He was then eaten.

Any more theories? Leave them in the comments.

Bye!

Vermin Cain

CAUTION: CONTAINS COLORFUL LANGUAGE

If you watched The Daily Show a few nights ago, you may have caught a certain reference to one of my favorite countries. Jon Stewart played THIS clip of Herman Cain. In it, the interviewer asks Cain if he's ready for the 'gotcha' questions, such as 'Who's the president of Uzbekistan?' Cain then proceeds to say he doesn't know and doesn't care. Then he refers to the country as Uzbekibekistanstanstan. I have just one thing to say to him.

F*** you. I know, I know, I could have phrased that in a kinder way. But really, this is a massive disappointment. I keep trying as hard as I can to actually LIKE one of the Republican candidates, but they all just keep screwing themselves over. Over the past few polls, six different people, including Donald Trump, have led the Republican polls for president. Here's the breakdown of the major players:

Mitt Romney: If I had to choose one person to play a president in a movie, it would be Mitt Romney. If you opened up a box labeled 'PRESIDENT', Romney would be inside. It's too bad that his Romneycare has made him liked more by Democrats than Republicans. That's a no.

Michelle Bachmann: I was open to the idea of a Bachmann presidency up until I found out her husband runs a clinic that is supposed to 'de-gayify' gay people. No on Bachmann.

Rick Santorum: He seemed okay, up until I heard about his fanatical stance on abortion and his nutty napkin metaphors. Nope.

Rick Perry: Oh, yeah, we need another Texan governor as president.

Ron Paul: My personal choice for the Republican nomination up until he talked about health care, saying he would just let coma patients die.

Herman Cain: He seemed very promising, especially because it would prevent people from saying that only racists hate Obama. I was even willing to overlook his questionable qualifications (he was the CEO of Godfather's Pizza). But I'm sorry, Herman--- you've messed with the wrong Uzbekistan lover!!!

As you may remember, my goal a few months back was to get my blog read in a country that ends with 'stan'. I randomly picked Uzbekistan, and devoted an entire post to the famously unknown country, hoping some nice Uzbekistani would come across my blog. Well, Herman, Uzbekistan's president is ISLAM KARIMOV!!! Its capital is Tashkent, and it has a population of roughly 30,000,000 people!!!

I just rattled those facts off the top of my head. And because Uzbekistan read my blog twice after that, I am one of the Uzbekistani people's best friends! Oh, and by the way, Uzbekistan supplies the US with a massive amount of aid in the war on terror.

And many other Uzbekistan lovers have decided to speak up, as you may have seen in the comments on the aforementioned video.

So, Herman-- you just PISSED OFF millions of people in central Asia. I hope you're happy, you Uzbekistan-hating sonofabitch!

Bye!

Got HEEM!

OOPS, WE DID IT AGAIN! Qadaffi was officially gunned down trying to escape fighting in Libya. I actually heard the news this morning, but was unable to comment on it because of my field trip (more on that later).

Qadaffi's convoy was fleeing the town of Sirte when French airstrikes blasted the living hell out of him. He survived and ran around with his bodyguards for a while before being shot in the face.

This also means that, for the first time in the history of the world, France has actually made a difference in a war!!! This is MONUMENTAL! Of course, they didn't actually KILL Qadaffi, they merely halted his escape. It counts, though.

Above: The Official French Flag of War.

This means that Libya's Rebels are finally the fully official government of Libya. After all this s*** went down across the mideast, half a dozen countries have now ousted their leaders, leaving them with literally no government. Which means that it leaves those countries ripe for the picking... heh, heh, heh.

Bye--- oh, and from now on, you are to address me as 'Your High Supreme Exaltedness Emperor of Egyptistan'. Just letting you know.

Good Morning, Vietnam

Yeah, that's right-- my blog was just read in Vietnam. Which is good, because I've been waiting, like, a year to use that blog title. It was also read for the first time in Hong Kong and Israel.

As you might have noticed, the general layout of my blog was somewhat sabotaged when one of my idiot friends, Benny, figured out my password (nachocheese). Obviously, I changed it, or I wouldn't be telling you this. Then he made me walk over a pressure plate in my Minecraft world, causing TNT to detonate half my city. He's a little s***.

The Octoberfest happened at Lower Brookside again this year, meaning every bad high school band came out and played poorly ripped-off Greenday songs. Also, all my friends run booths, which means only one thing--- FREE FOOD!!! After the Octoberfest, me and my friends Luis and Calvin went over to Don's Market, where it is rumored you can get marijuana from the guy behind the counter by holding up your hand in exactly the right way.

We ate a lot of sugary caffeinated stuff and threw a pumpkin into a street using two knives. Then we went up Hard Hill and laughed at Luis's farts. I love being 13.

But it's not gonna last long, though... my birthday is creeping around the corner at November 8th and I asked for all my favorite movies on DVD. It's gonna be good!

Bye!

Best. Movie. Ever.

Real Steel

I just saw Real Steel, the latest robot punch-'em-in-the-face movie, and I have to say, I was a little disappointed. Even the sci-fi action genre has been infiltrated by corniness and sappiness. I mean, I'm not complaining (there was a robot with two heads--- TWO HEADS!), but it was just so CANNED! Someone literally made a movie out of Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots! It was one of the most predictable movies I have EVER seen.

So, at the end of the day, Real Steel can't really deliver. 5 out of 10 stars.

But the true insanity of the movie wasn't in the movie itself-- it was in my personal movie experience, which was one of my most intense. Me and my friends Ben and Luis went to see it yesterday right after school, and we all sat in the back. I started flicking popcorn into my mouth, but I accidentally launched it out into the theater, making some guy turn around and say 'Knock it OFF!'. We ended up sitting all over the theater, because if security came, we didn't want to be associated with the seats in the back.

I was GOING to apologize to the guy, but then I ran into him in the bathroom, and he didn't wash his hands. So forget it.

Then on the walk home, we stopped to help this little old lady put a chest of drawers into her car. Luis and Ben grabbed the drawers, and I took the chest. We put it in the car, but then Luis got all pissed because they didn't give him any money. We got back to my house, and my mom told me to wash my hands, and I said out loud:

"I don't need to wash my hands, I just went to the bathroom at the movie theater, and I didn't touch anything on the way home. Oh, wait-- I touched that woman's chest."

Needless to say, some explaining had to be done.

Bye!

No More American Jobs

Steve Jobs is dead.

There. I just broke the story. The news came out LITERALLY twenty seconds ago, making me one of the 9,000 bloggers in the world to tell you this within the first five minutes of the 'aftermath'.

Jobs had been sick for some time with numerous kinds of internal cancerous problems. Also, he recently resigned his CEO post, which, if this was a novel, would be referred to by my annoying english teacher as 'foreshadowing'.

Fortunately, there is hope. Jobs left behind a prototype 'iClone' app, which could be used to resurrect him and have him up and inventing in no time.

This really is a metaphor for the economy. It can be added into the great pantheon of name puns: Bernie Madoff, who MADE OFF with a ton of people's money. Anthony Wiener, who texted a pic of his wiener. Rick Santorum, who... never mind.

And Steve Jobs, whose death has now become synonymous with the great death of American jobs. Hence this post's title.

So, in memory, I give you... Steve Jobs.