G-force: bad poetry

Showing posts with label bad poetry. Show all posts

Monday, June 10, 2013

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part II: The Walls Have Ears

I am taking a break from excruciating finals studying to blog here, so... you're welcome. I am making a page of notes for Science, writing my poem for English, studying for my Spanish test, and doing a giant-ass packet for Math. So yeah, I need some time to let off some steam.

My poem is actually pretty damn good. It's about a wall in the middle of the desert, and it's all... existential... or whatever... with symbolism... and stuff. English teachers eat that kind of stuff up, right? Here's the finale I'm considering for it:

The setting sun slips through a crack

The darkness consumes all

And lo, I cannot give a crap

About this giant f**king wall

I probably won't use that, though. Not precisely the best way to finish off a year of English class. But fortunately for you, I won't bore you to death with the details of my abysmal poetry. Because for the first time in two weeks, there's been an interesting news story! Last week, Edward Snowdon, a government employee, released a series of over 200,000 documents that basically say that the NSA is spying on everything we do. So, this leaves one question:

Didn't we already know this?

Seriously, what the f**k? I thought that ever since the Simpsons Movie, people knew that the government has been listening in on every phone conversation you have. It's been this way since the passing of The Patriot Act. So why the hell is this big news? OHHH... I GET IT... It's because back THEN it was BUSH, and NOW it's OBAMA! It all makes sense!

To be serious, that's the only reason why anybody cares. These are the same people who wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, need to know 'the truth' about Benghazi, and think Iron Man is putting listening devices in their homes. Translation: They are absolutely, unequivocally, F**K NUTS. I cannot be kind about this. Anybody who thinks that the government is competent enough to pull off such a monumental cover-up is clearly delusional. I'm super cereal here, guys.

Anyway... yeah, the NSA listens to everything you do. I didn't care in 2007 and I don't care now in 2013. I have nothing to hide. If you seriously (or cereally) think that some poor soul in a darkened room in the Pentagon is pouring over every correspondence you've ever had, you are gravely misinformed. If that were true, they would seppuku themselves after endless hours of funny cat pics.

No, what the government USUALLY does is either compile phone records to use in a criminal case or search E-mails for the phrases "White House", "bomb", and "President".

OH SHIT-- I JUST USED THE ILLEGAL WORDS. I CAN HEAR THE HELICOPTERS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. THEY'RE COMING FOR ME. PAY HEED, PEOPLE-- THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND CUT OPEN MY CHEST-- AND IT'S ALL LEGAL UNDER OBAMACARE!!! WHY DID I VOTE FOR OBAMA??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

Bye!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Ode to America

I haven't blogged for about two weeks, so I'm going to pack as many blogs as I can into today in order to catch up.

My birthday was ten days ago, on November 8th, and I am now 14. I got everything I asked for, which isn't hard when all you ask for is movies. I got The Hangover, Source Code, Limitless, National Treasure, The Curse of the Black Pearl, and Paul.

Apparently our english teacher is big on poetry, and we had another poem assignment. For this one, we were supposed to write an 'ode to an elder', or someone we looked up to. Well, I'm 6'1'', and I look down on practically everyone, so I did Stephen Colbert. Here it is.

AN ODE TO AMERICA

A face... like America.

Eyes... like America.

A TV show... like America.

The eagle flies at 11:00 PM eastern standard time on Comedy Central.

This... is the Colbert Report.

He’s got a flamboyantly star-spangled set

With red, white, and blue adorning his desk.

A suit that cost more than some small countries do

‘Cause he is America, and so can you!

He’s saved the Olympics, he’s been to Iraq

So CLICK HERE to donate to his super-pac.

You’ll get yourself pwned if you’re on as his guest

He’ll inject you with vials of pure truthiness.

He’s pure patriotic, he roasted George Bush

Until Barbara tried to kick him in the tush.

Don’t mess with him or he’s going to sue you

Please forgive him for acting in ‘The Love Guru’.

If you want to meet him then just go to New York

Compared to him your existence is a quark.

He threw a huge party when we got Osama

He’s hosted George Lucas, McCain, and Obama!

He’s ‘endorsed’ Sarah Palin and ol’ Donald Trump

If you stay on his good side you’ll get Colbert-bumped.

He’s the owner of Captain America’s shield

When you go to his show you’re expected to kneel.

He has a treadmill that’s named for him in space

His book is adorned with some pics of his face.

In Iraq an old General shaved off all his hair.

Don’t go up against him, his name is Colbert!

Well, there you have it-- the follow-up to 'Too Many Choices'. My goal this year is to drive all my teachers up the wall by making a complete mockery of every creative assignment they give me. For instance, today, we were supposed to color in peeps from the signing of the Declaration of Independence (hint- they're all white). We would then cut out their faces and wear them as masks for a 'Constitutional Convention' reenactment. So, anyway, I colored my guy (Nicolas Gilman, some a-hole from New Hampshire) yellow, as a tribute to The Simpsons.

Bye!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Too Many Choices

In english class, we recently read Robert Frost's 'Two Roads in a Wood' poem, or whatever the hell it's called. We were then assigned to write a poem about choice. My original idea was to write about different kinds of cereal, but my final decision was much better:

I could sit in bed, fake a terrible cough

Not do the assignment and just blow it off.

However, I could get an F in the class

And into High School I never would pass.

A poem by Thursday? My God, that’s insane!

Homework should be banned, it gives me great pain.

I could choose to do it or sit on the couch

And eat bags of Cheetos in a comatose slouch.

I could put it off and then do it at break

But that would just give me a splitting headache.

It’s not enough time, it makes me just sick

Plus I procrastinated ‘till Wednesday at six.

This assignment is driving me out of my mind

The poem’s not finished and it’s almost nine!

I could run away and then go on the lam

And fly to Namibia or Amsterdam.

But really, I know it’s inevitable

I’ll go into class, and then heads will roll.

The thing will be turned in a couple days late

I might as well resign myself to this fate.

It’s better than putting myself through pure hell

Finishing the assignment around about twelve.

And coming to school like a sleep-deprived ape

And falling asleep in class around eight.

I might’ve just done it a bit day by day

Finished it days ahead and then gotten an A.

But apparently that is not my destiny

The poem’s not finished and it’s almost three.

My bed is just screaming “Come lay down, you jerk!”

“The poem aint’ finished, it’s just too much work!”

I could have collapsed in my bed around then

But I plodded on and I didn’t give in.

And when I awoke, my poem was done

I don’t know how it happened, but I wrote a TON.

I made the right choice, so give me an A

I worked way too much to just throw it away.

There you have it. I pasted it from Pages, so the typeface is a little off. Eventually, of course, I chose to write the stupid thing. Still, it's a strong entry to my Bad Poetry file. The last line really makes it. The genius of this poem comes from the fact that I wrote the poem about how much I didn't want to write the poem.

Bye!

Monday, August 22, 2011

The California Academy of Doom and Gloom

I can't wait for summer when school days are done

Just video games or outside in the sun

Instead of mathematics or boring old tests

Just afternoons spent on an Xbox live quest

It's hard to be patient

It's hard to be cool

It's hard to believe it's the first day of school.

<< The Superintendent, Principal, and Vice-Principal of White Hill Middle School.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ich Bin Ein Zombie V: I'm Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

So, here's something you might have noticed: with this blog, I have exactly fifty posts this year. Last year at this time, I had twenty. My hope is that this year, I can avoid the inevitable last-minute December scramble to meet my yearly quota of at least 100 blogs.

This smashes my previous record of 18 posts in a month (due to the aforementioned December cramming). I hope to usher in a new era of G-Force sponsored awesomeness.

DON'T FORGET TO BE AWESOME I WON'T

Anyway, I have much more important things to talk about. Namely, a certain epic song I recently wrote! And yes, I will conclude Ich Bin Ein Zombie ASAP, but this needs to be posted immediately. It's very long, so get your scrolling finger loosened up:

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE