Channel Flipping

I have to say, the past year or so with my parents has surprised me. Usually, they are so cheap that I began to think it was some sort of genetic mutation, but in the past year, they went on a trip to London and Paris, finally worked up the courage to buy me an iPod, and now... this... a 42'' HD Panasonic Flat-Panel TV, plus a Blu-Ray Player and three (count 'em) THREE remote controls.

This means that, for the first time in three years, our household will be getting actual TV. 120 channels, from Ancient Aliens to The Televised Cody, Wyoming Pancake Prayer Breakfast. And here's a shocking revelation for you:

95% OF THE STUFF ON TV IS PURE CRAP.

I know, it's hard to believe. You would think that people would use the most innovative and accessible source of information for good purposes, but no: Most of TV is devoted to stuff like this:

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

So I had to take a quick break from it all and stare at another, different glowing screen. But this whole new technological development is just leading up to another, far more massive event: Now that I have procured my flat-screen TV, I can justify buying a goddamn Xbox 360. And while the peeps may say now that it's completely useless, my guess is that dad will be suffering from a clinical addiction to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 before the year is out.

Bye!

The Dark Knight Surprises

I have two movie reviews to do. However, this one takes high priority, seeing as I have to get this review out there with all the other critics. I purposely saw The Dark Knight Rises today, so that I could spoil it for everyone out there (and especially the asshole who ruined The Avengers for me by telling me the complete synopsis). So, here it goes.

Let me begin by saying that Batman Begins was a terrible, boring, and instantly forgettable movie. Not only did it feature unexpectedly bland performances, but the villain stank and the entire 'League of Shadows' thing was a little too much. It was ludicrous.

The Dark Knight improved on it, but not by much. The only good part was Heath Ledger as The Joker, maybe the greatest screen villain of all time. But Christian Bale was boring as always, and the plot was just too damn twisted. Fortunately, it was mainly able to avoid the pitfalls of the previous installment by removing any mention of Liam Neeson's character and the League of Shadows. It was still massively overrated and overhyped.

And now The Dark Knight Rises. For the first half, it improves on almost everything from the other two movies. It has better developed characters, more in-depth storytelling, and Anne Hathaway as Catwoman.

The villain, Bane, is not as good as the Joker, although he is a worthy follow-up. He might occasionally feel like a Darth Vader rip-off, but he's creepy enough by himself to stand apart. Unfortunately, I had a few major problems with this movie: The first being the underlying theme. Bane is basically a communist, whose master plan is to free people from Gotham's prisons, raise an army, and 'Give Gotham back to its people'. The main issue with this is that it seems like an unnecessary swipe at Occupy Wall Street. Those people are barely capable of forming drum circles, and you expect us to believe that they can conquer an entire city? No. Not even close.

Also, the final act disappoints beyond belief (SPOILER ALERT). Apparently, Wayne's business partner (played by Marion Cotillard, you can see how Nolan likes re-using his actors) is the daughter of Liam Neeson's character from Batman Begins, and she is back to finish what he started. Her plan to destroy Gotham, however, is thwarted when Batman flies the nuclear bomb out over the ocean and it detonates, supposedly killing him. Then there are a lot of slow-motion shots of various secondary characters mourning him, until Alfred stumbles upon him in Vienna. It's not good.

Not only this, but TDKR seems to have awakened something in the fans, one of whom put on a gas mask and massacred numerous people at a theater premiering the film. So, out of fear that I'll be assaulted if I give this a bad review (see my previous post, No Comment), the final score for The Dark Knight Rises is: 7/10 stars.

Bye!

No Comment

This truly is the summer of superhero movies. Not only is The Amazing Spider-Man in theaters right now (expect a review soon), but The Avengers graced the top of the box office with over a billion dollars and The Dark Knight Rises is being released Friday. But about that...

It seems as if the anticipation for the final chapter in the Dark Knight trilogy is getting a little over-the-top. The local movie theater here is selling tickets to both The Dark Knight and The Dark Knight Rises in a mini-movie-marathon, plus all-you-can eat popcorn. But the most disturbing thing comes from Rotten Tomatoes, the go-to movie review website, which currently ranks The Dark Knight Rises at 85%. But a warning to any critics who gave it a bad review: Look over your shoulders for a while. Things could get ugly.

RT had to shut down its comments section on The Dark Knight Rises, due to people threatening to kill the critics who didn't like the movie. One review had over 500 comments. Oops.

The most annoying thing about this is that the people haven't even seen the damn movie. They're getting all worked up over a movie that they know next to nothing about. And who knows; it could be really, really bad. It's certainly possible. And it's not like the franchise has been all that fantastic. Batman Begins was, in my opinion, terrible.

But it's not just Rotten Tomatoes. All across the internet, people are trolling for anger in the comments. Facebook, Twitter, Memebase, Myspace, Youtube and the list goes on. My personal favorite is when a woman posted "NO MORE OREOS FOR THIS FAMILY" after the now-famous image of the gay Oreo was released. People immediately began responding back "It doesn't look like you need any more, you fat bigoted f***". So sometimes it can be good. But for those of you who can't tell, look no further than my PATENTED COMMENT TRANSLATOR!!! After installing the software, simply highlight the text you want translated and voila! Here's an example of a typical Youtube comments section:

FIRST!!......................................................................... DERP!!

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Yu suck......................................................................... Arg blarg derp herp

omg justin bieber....................................................... blaaargh herp derp derp

LOL fake...................................................................... GLARB derp derp herp

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Prometheus

For those of you who've been wondering, I love the movie Alien. And the movie Aliens. And Alien 3, and Alien Resurrection, and the newest addition to the saga, Prometheus. Which is, in my opinion, one of the best science-fiction films ever made.
 Prometheus starts off with a blue guy who looks like Dr. Manhattan supposedly sacrificing himself in order to create humanity. Then a group of scientists find some cave markings designating a far-off galaxy, which they travel to using the spaceship from Serenity, along with Data and Benjamin Button. So yes, the plot is not much to brag about.
 But what Prometheus lacks in plot, it makes up for with its astounding visuals, fantastic performances (particularly Michael Fassbender as a Peter 'O Toole-obsessed android), and general mythicism. After the scientists land, we're treated to the required half-hour where stuff goes according to plan before everything falls the f**k apart. The stoner geologist dies and comes back as a zombie and the biologist who supposedly knows everything about organic life gets killed by a cross between a cobra and a penis. Yeah, it's intense.












 The pure symbolism of the movie, however, will blow your mind when you think about it. The humans travel to this planet in an attempt to find their creator, but their creator (SPOILERS) basically says "F**k you" and starts smackin' them around. This is shockingly reminiscent of the Greek tale of (you guessed it) Prometheus, a titan who tries to bring humanity on-par with the Gods and who is then punished for his insolence by being chained to a rock and having an eagle peck out his liver every day. Ancient Greeks were hardcore.
 Anyway, final score for Prometheus: 8/10 stars. It wasn't quite equal to the Alien saga's best moments, but it was occasionally awe-inspiring. Watch it. NOW.
 Bye!

Draw Something

I have recently come across a revolutionary new app. It is called Draw Something (by the same people who brought you Words With Friends). You are assigned a random person over the internet to draw something for. You can choose from three words, an easy one, a medium one, and a hard one. The harder the word, the more coins you get. You can trade in coins for new colors to draw with.

Now, as you know, I love drawing. I have been drawing since I was eight months old (but unlike other people, I haven't stopped). So this sounded like the perfect app for me. And I don't want to sound egotistical here, so I'm not going to brag about my skills at this game. I will just show you some highlights of my best Draw Somethings.

Hopefully, you can read what the drawings are supposed to be, but if you can't, here they are from top to bottom: Cowboy, Clay, Sith, Catwoman. The first one is Clint Eastwood in THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY. The second is Colonel Clay from THE LOSERS. The third is, of course, Darth Vader. And the fourth is pretty self-explanatory. Graham Vert

And I will advise you to think before you dismiss these. Before saying "My four-year old kid could do that", let's see YOU Draw Something better. I'll admit, I am not the best Draw Something artist out there, but seeing as I did all these on a tiny iPod Touch screen with my index finger, please... a little respect.

Bye!

Amurika

Well, The Human Fund hasn't worked out nearly as well as I initially expected. As you remember, I was trying to get around my required community service for High School by creating a fake charity. I almost had the website ready for inspection, but it turns out that they check out all the charities to see if they're registered with the feds, and blah blah blah. So my parents made me go to a session of the 'Marin County Youth Court' to sit as a juror.

I can't disclose anything about the case, because it's illegal. But it was pretty f***ing boring. Fortunately, I didn't have to do any actual work, I just sat there and voted on the amount of community service time the defendant should get.

But on to other, more important things: it has been 236 years since July 4, 1776, and as per my yearly ritual, I will watch Independence Day tonight. My other rituals are Die Hard every Christmas, Raiders of the Lost Ark on my birthday, and The Big Lebowski every 4/20. But for those of you who may not have as much knowledge of movies as I do, here is my list of BEST ALL-AMERICAN FILMS TO WATCH ON JULY 4TH!!!

1) INDEPENDENCE DAY. No movie is nearly as patriotic as this one. The ultimate disaster movie, directed by that maestro of destruction, Ronald Emmerich. With Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum, thousands of alien attacks, and an over-the-top patriotic speech by the president before the aliens are attacked on Independence Day, this is the best f***ing movie ever.

2) LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD. Not as good as the original, which is also the best f***ing movie ever, but still worth watching. Stuff still explodes, the stunts are still awesome, and it all takes place on the Fourth of July. One difference, though: Bruce Willis shaved his head.

3) RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Forget what I said before: This is the best f***ing movie ever. Pretty much any movie with Nazis is going to be inherently American, but this one has Harrison Ford and the best car/horse chase scene of all time. A must-see.

4) A FEW GOOD MEN. You can't handle the truth! Eminently quotable, with Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore, and (to a lesser extent) Tom Cruise. Very patriotic, and will have you gripping your seat. Best f***ing movie ever. Graham Vert

5) CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER. This one actually has America right there in its title. And again, NAZIS! It came out on DVD a good while ago, so it shouldn't be sold out anywhere. And it has another good car chase scene. Best f***ing movie ever.

6) THE GREAT ESCAPE. My favorite war movie of all time. Steve McQueen as his usual, cocky self running around pissing off (you guessed it) NAZIS! Mayhem and death ensue, but it also is pretty funny. With great performances and a 2 1/2 hour running time, it truly is the best f***ing movie ever.

7) NATIONAL TREASURE. For those of you with little kids in your household, this is where you turn to. Not exactly a critically lauded movie (it stars Nicholas Cage and Justin Bartha), but it's really entertaining, and has a few good performances. Also, its theme is all about American history, and (spoiler alert) they end up stealing the Declaration of Independence. Best f***ing movie ever.

8) PATTON. I don't remember this movie very well, but what I do remember is awesome. Everyone calls it the best f***ing movie ever, so I'll have to take their word for it. And George Patton gives a speech in front of the American flag at the very beginning, too.

9) THE LOSERS. Dumb, dumb fun. It's freaking hysterical, and there are a lot of slow-motion scenes of the main characters walking in front of an American flag. Also, it has Chris Evans, Zoe Saldana, and Jeffery Dean Morgan. Best f***ing movie ever.

10) Let's end on a high note: ROCKY. Sylvester Stallone kicks ass and punches people, but he loses. Hmmm... not really a feel-good American movie, I guess. Whatever.

There you have it. Watch 'em all if you want. I own five of them anyway, so I definitely could. And if you hate my suggestion... well screw off. Most likely, it's the best f***ing movie of all time.

Bye!