Boston Massacre

Whenever my history teachers lead off the unit on WWI, they begin it by saying "Now we're gonna talk about the stupidest event in human history." And I'm kinda starting to see why. According to my badass history teacher, it all started because some guy killed the Archduke of Austria-Hungary. Fan-f**king-tastic. And so then 250,000 people died to gain one mile in trench warfare.

This is the only unit that my friend Calvin will end up getting an A on, mainly because he suffers from a clinical addiction to Call of Duty: Zombies. My friends and I already know all this stuff anyway, because it's happening in the background of EVERY VIDEO GAME WE'VE EVER PLAYED.

But speaking of death and destruction, two bombs went off at the Boston Marathon today, killing two people. You know what that means-- TERRORISTS!!! Yep, everyone's blowing this all out of proportion (no pun intended... seriously... that's awful) and saying that some radicals from Afghanistan, Pakistan, or Idon'tgiveaf**kistan blew up the marathon. So, two things: First off, if we want to find out who did this, we just look at the marathon's records and find out who came in second last year.

At the end of the day, the silver medal is just another way of saying "Really? You wasted your childhood for this?"

And secondarily, if this actually WAS a terrorist attack, why would they blow up the marathon? Do they want to destroy America by making sure we're out of shape? If they had a bomb, why wouldn't they put it in a place like a town hall or something? So many questions that need to be answered!

Honestly, people are probably overreacting to this. But I could be wrong-- maybe a radical Shiite Muslim terrorist from Algeria somehow got it through his head that planting a bomb in the Boston Marathon would further his cause. But as I said, I doubt it.

But there's another big story today: IT'S TAAAAX DAAAAAYYYY!!! So mail your s**t, or the IRS will show up at your front door in a few days with assault rifles and that torture rack from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.

Bye!

Channel Flipping

I have to say, the past year or so with my parents has surprised me. Usually, they are so cheap that I began to think it was some sort of genetic mutation, but in the past year, they went on a trip to London and Paris, finally worked up the courage to buy me an iPod, and now... this... a 42'' HD Panasonic Flat-Panel TV, plus a Blu-Ray Player and three (count 'em) THREE remote controls.

This means that, for the first time in three years, our household will be getting actual TV. 120 channels, from Ancient Aliens to The Televised Cody, Wyoming Pancake Prayer Breakfast. And here's a shocking revelation for you:

95% OF THE STUFF ON TV IS PURE CRAP.

I know, it's hard to believe. You would think that people would use the most innovative and accessible source of information for good purposes, but no: Most of TV is devoted to stuff like this:

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!

So I had to take a quick break from it all and stare at another, different glowing screen. But this whole new technological development is just leading up to another, far more massive event: Now that I have procured my flat-screen TV, I can justify buying a goddamn Xbox 360. And while the peeps may say now that it's completely useless, my guess is that dad will be suffering from a clinical addiction to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 before the year is out.

Bye!

Failbook

It is official. The zombie apocalypse has begun. I have to begin stockpiling RPGs, shotguns, can openers, and Twinkies. If anyone in the immediate area has a bunker or a bomb shelter of some kind, please let me know. I am an invaluable survival partner. I can't think of a reason why, but I'm sure I have SOME skill that separates me from anyone getting mauled and devoured. There has to be SOMETHING that sets me apart...

Aha! I collect quarters.

I win.

I should explain. In Miami today, police had to shoot and kill a man assaulting another man on the freeway. What made this different is that A) Both were naked and B) One guy was chewing the other guy's face off. God only knows what the F*** happened there, but my guess is that the Umbrella Corporation is based in Miami.

Fortunately, if the zombie virus begins to spread, us Californians will have plenty of time to get ready as the zombie hordes lumber across the country. And once the outbreak hits the deep south, you won't even be able to tell who is and isn't a zombie. They'll all be eating nothing but raw meat and growling unintelligibly.

In other, non-zombie related news, Facebook opened its IPO this week, just before Mark Zuckerberg got married. Coincidence? No. Because the stock opened before the marriage, the new Mrs. Zuckerberg would have no legal claim to it in the event of a divorce. Well played, Mark F***erberg.

Wait a second... I see what's going on here...

FACEBOOK CAUSED THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK! Think about it... as soon as someone tries to deactivate their Facebook account, a bunch of suspicious-looking Russian mobsters will show up at their house and inject them with the zombie virus! This is just the beginning!

I am so, so lucky I don't have a Facebook account.

Bye!