Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!

Futbol Americano

So here's a thing-- My high school, Drake High, is about three blocks away from a semi-high-end strip mall called Red Hill, and during lunch, students walk over there to buy food (because let's face it, cafeteria food is toxic). But apparently, this is a problem, as you can see from THIS actual news report. For those of you who don't feel like following that link because it's a waste of your time-- and trust me, it is-- it's a story that some asshat over at Kron-4 did about students jaywalking on the way back from lunch. There are so, so, SO many things wrong with this... where to begin?

Firstly, nobody at my school calls Drake "The Drake." Strike one. Secondly, he brings up the 'fact' that dyslexic drivers might misread the speed limit signs as 52 instead of 25. WHAT? That doesn't even make sense! Why would they be driving if that were the case? Why is that remotely relevant to the subject at hand? Is he just TRYING to make the situation seem more dangerous than it actually is, all for the purpose of maligning teenagers? Undoubtedly. Strike two. And thirdly-- Why did he have to get the five biggest assholes from my school on video? I mean, seriously... a lot of the people in that video are dumbasses... but I don't think any of them are dumb enough to "Play chicken with 4-ton cars" as the video asserts. Not like he has any of that on tape to prove it... sure, why not just make shit up? I could do that! Hell, Kron-4, hire me to do your lame-ass segments! I could be a bitchy, whiny tattletale like this guy as well, and I could report on things that ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VALUE IN THE WORLD!

The amazing thing is, this moron and pretty much every living human on Earth has jaywalked at least once in their lives, and it's not a big thing. Nobody dashes across the street while cars are coming-- the point of jaywalking is to take the advantage of a gap in the traffic and cross when nobody's around. Except, apparently, some asshole with a video camera and a grade-school education. At least, I HOPE he only has a grade-school education... if he had gone to high school or college, he could have gotten a job that actually contributes something to humanity. Like flipping burgers at a McDonald's.

Anyway, this is just one out of many, many things that have been pissing me off to no end recently, the least of which is another in a long line of NFL incidents. So let's continue my long-running segment...



Yeah, football is being retarded again. WHAT A SHOCK! Miami Dolphins linebackquarterbacker (who gives a f**k about the terminology) was suspended recently after he incessantly led the locker room torment of a fellow player. That player complained, and all hell has broken loose now, with football junkies complaining about how the player should have manned up and dealt with it. So, my opinion on this? Well, I'm just going to assume that you all see this coming...

BAN FOOTBALL. Seriously, how is this shit still legal? I couldn't care less about the players, because it's their own God damn fault for getting involved in this moronic 'sport,' but I do have a problem with how it dumbs down all of America. I mean, sure, bash your heads in, but don't make everyone else dumber in the process. The fact that people exist who think that there was some kind of problem with what the player did, and that Incognito was fully justified, makes me sick to my stomach. This sport is a f**king cancerous tumor in America.

Phew... I really needed to vent my anger on that one. But yeah, this retarded masculinity contest pretty much serves the public in the same way the gladiators of ancient Rome did: Distracting the public from the things that ACTUALLY MATTER. I am sick to death of people shooting each other in parking lots, flinging beers at each other, and trashing entire cities over whose group of meatheaded sacks of shit is better than the other. Jesus Christ. It's fine if you watch this crap casually (or as a way to see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders), but if you only like this as a way to live your demented fantasies about masculinity vicariously, please do us all a favor and seek professional help.

Bye!

Not Another Hurricane

My blogging routine has been somewhat sparse as of late, but I have a valid excuse-- my school is absolutely hectic. There's a new project every week, and I can barely begin to keep up. And it doesn't help that my group members, although funny, are often absolutely incapable of buckling down and working. In my new group, one guy spent a whole 90-minute period drawing penises on Microsoft Paint while I built our whole website. And in the last project we did (a report on a country that was chosen for us at random), it was no better. We had to keep a journal that was written from first-person, and described what daily life would be like in our country (Afghanistan), written from the point of view of a Kabul native. Here's a few choice selections from my group member's journal entries. Now, bear in mind: These were written very crudely, so any translation errors are not my fault. But I think I've pretty much conveyed the message (if any) behind them. Take a look:

• "There is to many suicide bomers in afghanistan we need to cleanse the entire country of these horrid taliban theyh ave to stop attakking us and let us build a better country for the people so we can finally have peace in tuis country and stop being the playground of war"
• "This is very good in my eyes the more womans rights the better and more womens rights expand the closer we are coming to becoming a country of peace"
• "this is ecxiting to me we are going to get the things we need for football i feel this is empowering as to say there football leader was proud to be in afghanistan in my country im going to go play right now"

Great stuff. Powerful and emotional. And before you say "Hey, this is mean, he may have a mental disability," three things: Firstly, although he is absolutely insane, he is no vegetable. Secondly, I didn't mention his name. And thirdly, he told me to put these on my blog (which he reads). So I'd like to take this chance to give a big shout-out to my former group member, just in case he reads this! Sir! You are the philosopher king! So many questions remain unanswered, o wise one! Such as... why did you not capitalize Afghanistan? What is the meaning of the word "ecxiting?" Why is there no punctuation at the end of your sentences to signify the conclusion of a phrase? Oh, I'm sure that scholars will debate this for ages!

Wow, this went on way too long. But I really needed to vent about this... and it's also pretty hilarious. Seriously, I could eat a bucket of Scrabble tiles and crap out a sentence more coherent than these. 

But in other news, there's a hurricane that just hit the Philippines (it took me way too long to figure out how to spell that correctly), and here's a big news flash for everyone: THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES ARE REALLY, REALLY SHITTY! So my class is having a drive to raise $2,000 to help the people there, and unlike most things my school sponsors, I actually think I might contribute to this. So I'm going to pitch in fifty bucks, partly because I'd feel guilty not doing it when I just got approximately one buttload of money for my birthday, and also because... y'know... it might save someone's f**king life.

   << Also, this.

Interestingly enough, the only country in the world that isn't represented at least occasionally in Miss World pageants is Vatican City (which, thinking back, I should have guessed). But amazingly, there's been Miss Iran, Miss Uzbekistan, and even Miss North Korea. Anyway, now that I've guaranteed a lot of traffic for my blog, I'll leave this story behind. But people-- send some money to The Philippines (this time it only took me three tries to spell correctly!). And don't send it through some anonymous, faceless donor that will probably pocket a lot of that cash for personal gain... like Vertco. 

Oh, and as a follow-up to last post's story-- Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been declared "Mayor in Name Only" by the council of The Illuminati Toronto. So no, crime doesn't even pay in Canada, proving once again that moving to Canada is a bad idea. But before this blog post turns into the 1,001 reasons why I will never move to Canada (I don't know if I could fit them all into that few), I shall sign off. 

Bye!

Oot and Aboot

Oh hai readers! My 16th birthday was last week, and I'm happy as hell. Not because I had a party (I didn't, parties are lame), and not because of presents-- no-- I CAN NOW PROBABLY GET INTO R-RATED MOVIES WITHOUT PARENTS! Joy to the world! And it helps that I'm 6'3". Speaking of movies, by the way, Tut's Tutillating Reviews is coming along swimmingly, and I have a truckload of new reviews out, including a Halloween special: HORROR WEEK. My Ender's Game review is also up, so check all that out HERE.

Anyway, for my birthday my parents gave me A Clockwork Orange and Donnie Darko on DVD, which I shall now proceed to watch multiple times. Also received: A chunk of the Berlin Wall, a coffee mug, and a book entitled "The Disaster Artist," the story behind the making of the worst movie of all time: The Room. If you haven't seen this spectacular film yet, I highly recommend it. It is utterly mesmerizing in its ineptitude. If I judged movies purely on how much I enjoy watching them, that thing might be my favorite movie of all time.

But I made Tut's Reviews just so I could separate my incessant movie-related banter from this blog, so let's move on to something that will send my readership into free-fall: CURRENT EVENTS. Cower in fear, Americans, because this is a news story that will require you to know some geography! Now: With your dominant hand, point to the US on a map. No, higher. No, still higher. Okay, lower. Really, are you f**king kidding me? It's the one with the oddly shaped peninsula. The yellow one. Okay. Now, point to Canada. Jesus Christ, that's Russia. Point to the big red one. The BIG red one. Not India. ABOVE AMERICA. Kill me now...



Eh, you found them! Yes, foolish Americans, that's Canada. And that's where my top story takes place today: In Toronto (AKA America's ridiculous poofy hat), mayor Rob Ford has come under fire for smoking crack. Yeah, you heard right-- SMOKING CRACK. So it's time to unveil the official 2014 slogan for American politicians! "We tweet pictures of our junk, bang secretaries, fly to Buenos Aires to meet our mistresses, get our housemaids pregnant, and use taxpayer money to fund money-laundering schemes... but at least we don't smoke crack!"

The hilarious thing is that the guy hasn't even been charged with a criminal offense yet. You gotta love Canada. Also, there's a tape of him saying, slurred "I'm gonna f**king kill that guy... it's me or him brother" over and over again. All he had to say when asked about it was that he was "Clearly very, very, very intoxicated." Yeah, you don't say. Somebody's been hitting the ol' maple syrup too hard...

Bye!