Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!