Oot and Aboot

Oh hai readers! My 16th birthday was last week, and I'm happy as hell. Not because I had a party (I didn't, parties are lame), and not because of presents-- no-- I CAN NOW PROBABLY GET INTO R-RATED MOVIES WITHOUT PARENTS! Joy to the world! And it helps that I'm 6'3". Speaking of movies, by the way, Tut's Tutillating Reviews is coming along swimmingly, and I have a truckload of new reviews out, including a Halloween special: HORROR WEEK. My Ender's Game review is also up, so check all that out HERE.

Anyway, for my birthday my parents gave me A Clockwork Orange and Donnie Darko on DVD, which I shall now proceed to watch multiple times. Also received: A chunk of the Berlin Wall, a coffee mug, and a book entitled "The Disaster Artist," the story behind the making of the worst movie of all time: The Room. If you haven't seen this spectacular film yet, I highly recommend it. It is utterly mesmerizing in its ineptitude. If I judged movies purely on how much I enjoy watching them, that thing might be my favorite movie of all time.

But I made Tut's Reviews just so I could separate my incessant movie-related banter from this blog, so let's move on to something that will send my readership into free-fall: CURRENT EVENTS. Cower in fear, Americans, because this is a news story that will require you to know some geography! Now: With your dominant hand, point to the US on a map. No, higher. No, still higher. Okay, lower. Really, are you f**king kidding me? It's the one with the oddly shaped peninsula. The yellow one. Okay. Now, point to Canada. Jesus Christ, that's Russia. Point to the big red one. The BIG red one. Not India. ABOVE AMERICA. Kill me now...



Eh, you found them! Yes, foolish Americans, that's Canada. And that's where my top story takes place today: In Toronto (AKA America's ridiculous poofy hat), mayor Rob Ford has come under fire for smoking crack. Yeah, you heard right-- SMOKING CRACK. So it's time to unveil the official 2014 slogan for American politicians! "We tweet pictures of our junk, bang secretaries, fly to Buenos Aires to meet our mistresses, get our housemaids pregnant, and use taxpayer money to fund money-laundering schemes... but at least we don't smoke crack!"

The hilarious thing is that the guy hasn't even been charged with a criminal offense yet. You gotta love Canada. Also, there's a tape of him saying, slurred "I'm gonna f**king kill that guy... it's me or him brother" over and over again. All he had to say when asked about it was that he was "Clearly very, very, very intoxicated." Yeah, you don't say. Somebody's been hitting the ol' maple syrup too hard...

Bye!