G-force: zombie

Showing posts with label zombie. Show all posts

Saturday, June 22, 2013

World War Z

This year's movie season has been a bit of a dud, but it's picking up with a few unexpected hits, such as World War Z, one of the best zombie films I've ever seen. That's not really saying much, as the zombie genre is often pretty crappy. The only two notable films in the genre are Zombieland and 28 Days Later. And don't worry, although I liked this movie, this is not going to be a zombie fanboy review, where all I do is yell "OH MY GOD ZOMBIES! WASN'T IT COOL WHEN HE BIT THAT GUY'S HEAD OFF? AND BLOOD WENT EVERYWHERE? THAT WAS SO CLEVER."

So: World War Z is, of course, a zombie movie. But it's far more intelligent fare than you would expect from the genre that gave us the entire Resident Evil franchise. Brad Pitt plays a UN worker who, after securing his family aboard an aircraft carrier, travels the globe searching for a solution to the zombie apocalypse. This is the film's greatest asset, as it mirrors other great adventure films (like, dare I say it, Raiders of the Lost Ark), as Brad Pitt ventures from South Korea to Israel to try and discover the virus's origins-- and hopefully a cure.

Most of the film is taken up with zombies running amok, but the suspense is palpable in the final act, where Pitt must walk through a zombie-infested hallway in order to test his solution to the disease. Joining him on the way is an Israeli soldier who is bitten on the hand, and then gets her hand taken off in an improvised amputation by Pitt himself.

Unfortunately, the poster took a little creative liberty when it mistakenly advertised cat-zombies.

Pitt is good in the lead, and does thoughtful stares out of plane windows well, as always. Unfortunately, his hair is pretty distracting, as it whips around in the wind after a hole is blown in his plane. You would think that someone going into a combat situation would think to take a few inches off of his super-mullet before smacking zombies around, but... apparently not.

Also, there are a few plot holes-- Firstly, in Jerusalem, a woman picks up a bullhorn and starts yelling, which attracts the zombies. But are we really expected to believe that this massive city wasn't generating enough noise already? I can overlook minor things like that, but we're really never told what attracts the zombies, movement, smell, or noise.

In conclusion, World War Z is one of the rarest breeds of Hollywood film-- intelligent trash. Watch this instead of Man of Steel, which is basically just 'trash'. Final score: 6.5/10 stars.

Bye!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Mitt Zomney VS Barack Undeada

I used to hate getting haircuts, but now I genuinely enjoy them. I go to this odd little SuperCuts in Montecito that seems to employ nobody but Koreans. I wonder if that's actually a necessity to work there. But it's an awesome place-- the only guy who isn't any good is 'Flock Of Seagulls Guy', who has the worst haircut of all time. Yeah, I'm gonna trust him with my hair.

I also got to use some of my favorite barber catch-phrases. Whenever a barber asks if I'm here for a haircut, I reply "No, I come to the barber to buy fresh biscuits and gravy. I see your selection is quite limited". And when they compliment me on my beautiful head of hair, I say "Thank you, I grow it myself".

Anyway, I haven't been able to blog recently, because frankly, I've had a very stressful week. My 100-point history project was due, my 500-point election video was due, I finished off my community service with a 7-hour spree of trail work, and to top it all, I broke my watch. So now I'm totally lost.

But I can't let something like that get in the way of the election. It's bearing down on us like a f**king locomotive. They say that the results might be so close that we may not find out who the real winner is until the 17th. It's horrific. Why does Romney even have a tiny chance over Obama? Have you people not listened to a WORD I've said? Don't answer that.

Oh, and it seems like the brief Zombie Apocalypse we had on Wednesday has finally ended. The total death count for me was 15--- yeah, that's right. I KILLED 15 ZOMBIES!!! I hope everyone has been holding up well. No word yet on how many are dead across the nation. But I have one question: Why were all the zombies carrying candy?

But it looks like it's over, so I won't be needing this graphic any time soon.

And the horror that was Hurricane Sandy finally lifted up, just in time for the New York Marathon. Unfortunately, they cancelled it anyway. It's a shame. Michael Phelps had a real chance. But Sandy may have had an entirely different impact: It may change the outcome of the election. With major cities like New York and Bayonne damaged almost irreparably, Obama might lose a considerable amount of votes. Which means we have a real horse race on our hands. So I'll be covering the election LIVE on Tuesday night. I'll probably end up writing three or four posts, but don't get your hopes up. I may write even MORE.

Bye!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Resident Evil: Retribution

Good holy mother of crap--- I just saw what may be the worst movie ever made ever. It all started two weeks ago when my friend Benny came to school having a complete mindf*** about the latest Resident Evil movie. Now, I never saw Resident Evil 1-4, but I could hazard a guess about the overall quality of the series. Video game adaptations are inherently bad, with the minor and arguable exception of Prince of Persia. And I didn't expect this movie to be any different.

Me, Benny, and Luis went to see it tonight, and I was blown away. I thought it would be a fun yet empty film with little in the way of plot, but still entertaining. Boy, was I wrong. This movie was exhaustingly boring, and even the action sequences were awful. It made absolutely no effort to make any aspect of the movie entertaining, not the plot, not the acting, not the script, not the action, and most definitely not the zombies themselves.

Usually I try to say something good about every movie I review, but I really can't here. There is no redeeming value to Resident Evil at all. The dialogue is as flat as a crepe, and the lines are delivered in flat, monotone voices. It made me sick to my stomach. You might say that I didn't see the other FOUR Resident Evil movies, so I couldn't judge this one fairly. But honestly, does anyone go to see these for their plot?

What gets me about this movie is that, even though the entire planet is under complete assault by zombies, they still never run out of guns, ammo, or skintight leotards.

Seriously, someone just gave up here. This is the result of five douchebags sitting around a table saying "Oh, you know what would make a really good scene in a movie?" And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, the damn movie has Dubstep play during the final credits.

The score for Resident Evil: Retribution? Wow... does it even deserve one? I'll be generous and give it a big fat 1/10 stars. Even in the world of special-effects extravaganzas gone wrong, this is as bad as it gets. Utterly horrific.

Bye!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Failbook

It is official. The zombie apocalypse has begun. I have to begin stockpiling RPGs, shotguns, can openers, and Twinkies. If anyone in the immediate area has a bunker or a bomb shelter of some kind, please let me know. I am an invaluable survival partner. I can't think of a reason why, but I'm sure I have SOME skill that separates me from anyone getting mauled and devoured. There has to be SOMETHING that sets me apart...

Aha! I collect quarters.

I win.

I should explain. In Miami today, police had to shoot and kill a man assaulting another man on the freeway. What made this different is that A) Both were naked and B) One guy was chewing the other guy's face off. God only knows what the F*** happened there, but my guess is that the Umbrella Corporation is based in Miami.

Fortunately, if the zombie virus begins to spread, us Californians will have plenty of time to get ready as the zombie hordes lumber across the country. And once the outbreak hits the deep south, you won't even be able to tell who is and isn't a zombie. They'll all be eating nothing but raw meat and growling unintelligibly.

In other, non-zombie related news, Facebook opened its IPO this week, just before Mark Zuckerberg got married. Coincidence? No. Because the stock opened before the marriage, the new Mrs. Zuckerberg would have no legal claim to it in the event of a divorce. Well played, Mark F***erberg.

Wait a second... I see what's going on here...

FACEBOOK CAUSED THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK! Think about it... as soon as someone tries to deactivate their Facebook account, a bunch of suspicious-looking Russian mobsters will show up at their house and inject them with the zombie virus! This is just the beginning!

I am so, so lucky I don't have a Facebook account.

Bye!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!

And here we are... the final star test answers for CST version 7 mathematics! AFDHBGCFDGBGDJCGDFCHBGCJCHBFBHAF

You have no idea what I went through to get these. I had written all my answers down while taking the test, so I was done, and I was reading MAD magazine. But then my teacher came over and said 'Can I see that?' I whimpered 'Yeah...' Fortunately, he was talking about the test booklet, not the piece of scratch paper I had written the answers on. Phew. If he HAD seen them, he would have accused me of cheating.

Fun Fact: The thing he was ACTUALLY looking at was something I wrote on a blank page that said 'THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL'. I had then written DUH in gigantic letters below it. And I camouflaged my answers by writing them on the other side of my turned-over paper. Another fun fact: on the reverse side, I had drawn a guy holding up a sword yelling 'THIS IS SPARTAAAA!'

It's time. Time for CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE III: MISSION TO PAKISTAN. It'll be epic. The final level: find and kill Osama bin Laden while dodging bodyguards using human shields.

Unfortunately, this might be met with some distain. But not nearly as much as my other idea for a Vatican zombie map. The pope summons up bishop zombies through the marble floor. They throw crosses at you. Nice.

If these people can't laugh at themselves, I'll do it for them.

Bye!

<< My controversial zombie map

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Ich Bin Ein Zombie VI: KHAAAAAAAN!!!

In the hills of Uzbekistan, I lay huddled in the snow, surrounded by my sherpa brigade. It was there that I saw a massive army of zombies marching up the path we had come on. Their torches shone bright in the night, and I could hear their evil chanting from below. As they strode off into the night, I snuck in behind them. Seeing as I was already a zombie, I blended right in.

I overheard the zombies saying that they were on a mission to destroy the one thing that could reverse the nuclear fission's effect on humanity. We ended up at the edge of an enormous uncharted precipice. One zombie fell in, and we never heard him hit the ground below. We followed a trail down the cliff face and ended up in a smoky, steamy area where I could see the lead zombie remove a massive stone obelisk from the smoke. Inside, I knew, was Genghis Khan's tomb.

Instantly, I drew my revolver, and started blowing off some zombie heads. It was just like COD zombies, in which you fight off relentless hordes of the undead. Epic.

Whatever. Because of my zombies training, I was able to outwit them by jumping on top of the obelisk. Zombies, for some reason, can't climb, which helped me out a LOT. Finally, only one zombie was left: the lead zombie. And then I recognized him:

Gomez.

I opened up the obelisk and used it to separate me from the Gomez Zombie. Inside was Khan's body, perfectly preserved. But there was also a blinking red light. Then I noticed the entire inside of the obelisk was covered in flashing lights and digital messages. I picked up an item from inside; it looked like a gun. I accidentally pressed a button, and ZAP! Gomez had vanished. The thing had vaporized him.

Then I heard a hum from above. I ran outside the cave and looked up to see a massive alien ship descending down the cliff face. They teleported Khan's tomb, body, and everything inside, and lifted off.

Yeah, that's right. Khan was an alien. Unfortunately, that didn't help me much. I needed to undo the zombie curse. I jumped on top of the ship and held on. Using my swiss army knife, I cut an entrance to the ship's interior. The stuff they used for the hull was a thin and pliable as swiss cheese. I jumped in and grabbed the weapon, setting it on Zom-B-Gone. I pulled the trigger, and leapt out the hull of the ship before the aliens could move.

I parachuted to the ground, where everything was back to normal. All the zombies were alive again (except for the ones I shot up. Heh, heh). When I flew the jet home, everyone in Marin County was back to normal, although everyone wondered how the blood got all over the walls. Whatever.

Just goes to show you-- kids know more than they're letting on.

Bye!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ich Bin Ein Zombie V: I'm Ready for the Zombie Apocalypse

So, here's something you might have noticed: with this blog, I have exactly fifty posts this year. Last year at this time, I had twenty. My hope is that this year, I can avoid the inevitable last-minute December scramble to meet my yearly quota of at least 100 blogs.

This smashes my previous record of 18 posts in a month (due to the aforementioned December cramming). I hope to usher in a new era of G-Force sponsored awesomeness.

DON'T FORGET TO BE AWESOME I WON'T

Anyway, I have much more important things to talk about. Namely, a certain epic song I recently wrote! And yes, I will conclude Ich Bin Ein Zombie ASAP, but this needs to be posted immediately. It's very long, so get your scrolling finger loosened up:

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE