Transformers: Dark of the Moonshine

Boy, oh boy. There haven't been any new developments in the mystery of my trip (the iguana won't crap no matter HOW much food I give him), so I decided to pass the time by catching up on the movies I had missed out on.

I didn't miss much. I just saw the latest installment in the Transformers series, and it lived up to every expectation: On a scale of one to ten, 1.9. This was definitely the weakest Transformers movie I've ever seen, but it's also the most unbelievably visual movie ever. If you watched this thing blind, you'd be lost entirely. But if you watched it deaf, you'd probably enjoy it much more than the so-called dialogue Michael Bay thinks will pass for a script.

I will admit-- I own both Transformers and Revenge of the Fallen. But this is taking it too f'n far. The biggest disappointment was the complete lack of humor that basically carried the whole first movie. The parents are so stereotypical, it was hard not to laugh out loud.

In short, this is just sad. And Michael Bay is without a doubt one of the worst directors ever. His movies are some of the most moronically ridonkulous and deranged I've ever seen. In fact, he only has one movie that got even a semi-good rating on Rotten Tomatoes, (and it's one I've never even heard of). BTW, Transformers got 57%, Revenge of the Fallen got 20%, and Dark of the Moon is currently at 36%, though I have no doubt that will drop.

So: Don't waste your money.

Bye!

<< I'll leave you on a positive note: The worm thing was fantastically awesome. If you see this movie, wear earplugs and a blindfold, and have someone tap you on the shoulder when this thing comes on. That way, you might actually like the movie.

P.S.-- The special effects for Shockwave gave my review all 1.9 stars.

The Aftermath (Part Three)

So, good news/bad news time. The good news is, I found the memory cards-- all of them. The bad news is, the iguana ate them. I know this because, out of complete boredom, I decided to x-ray the iguana using the pocket x-ray laser I won in third grade. Fun fact: I also won a pair of sweat pants and free subs for nine months. But that's off-topic.

So, I uploaded the pics to the computer, and I have no idea what they're all about. I mean, look at this:

So, does anyone have a clue as to what the hell that is? I mean, this is getting pretty frustrating! And I now have to wait for the freakin' iguana to crap out the rest of the memory cards!!! I mean, what am I gonna do, slice him open???

Hmmm.....

NO! I may be many things, but I'm no iguana killer. I guess I'll just have to wait. And meanwhile, I have to keep cleaning the stupid iguana stuff off of all the sofas and other stuff he pukes and craps on. Right now he's just staring at me from across the room. Yeek. OH, YUCK!!! He just puked again. I gotta go.

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Aftermath (Part Two)

So, I have a revelation: While I was out walking, I found a bunch of ripped-up, wet, ruined papers in my jacket pocket. They don't say anything on them, and I have no idea how they fit together, but I'm sure they mean something...

Okay. I have no leads. And it's PISSING ME OFF!!! How can I not remember ANYTHING about a whole two weeks? It's like it never happened!

The good news is, I'm finally getting the dust all over my bag analyzed. Maybe that will give me some clues. But since I have no leads, I thought I'd... HOLY CRAP! I just took off my hat and my camera's memory chip fell out!!! Awesome!!! Okay, let's see what kind of pictures are on here...

Ho-leee CRAP!!! OPIUM LOUNGE??? And what the HELL is with the mirrors and the zebra carpeting? Wait... this is starting to make sense! YES! I HAVE IT!

After we arrived in London, it took us an hour and 45 minutes to get through the immigration line. Then we went to our hotel, which was basically three beds and four walls with a TV that only gave us the horrors of daytime british game shows and old episodes of 'Friends'. Then we went scouting around for a place to eat...

And we found the place in the pictures! The Opium Lounge! And it had leather walls and velvet sofas and mirrored ceilings, and a massive display of numerous kinds of bongs! I remember it all now! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

And... that's it. Oh, I had the fish & chips, but I got nothin' else. I must have blacked out. But I do remember one thing: In order to not make one chip hold all my pictures, I used a new memory card for every day. So, now I just need to find the other thirteen...

TO BE CONTINUED...

The Aftermath (Part One)

Ugh. Oh, holy god. This trip was the defining moment of my life, (and not in a good way). I will never tell the horror and evil that occurred on this trip, and even if I wanted to, I don't think I remember it. So, the next few blogs will be devoted to what I've been able to piece together.

First off, I woke up in the middle of Lombard Street two weeks after I left with all my clothes emptied out of my bags. All that was inside were a bag of frozen peas and a large iguana. My camera had the memory card taken out of it. Fortunately, I was able to hitch a ride home.

And now, I don't remember a thing. Except for the following:

So, I remember arriving through the London tube and thinking, 'Crap, they have some freaky cars here!' One example is the Skoda corporation, something that I'm sure that, If you don't live in Europe, you have never heard of. Here's the logo:

Now, it's supposed to be a winged arrow. But to me, it looks like a fish on some sort of steroid. But I'm getting sidetracked.

I also remember our hotel having inadequate showers, but that could be anywhere in a big city like London. And I know I was on a subway at least two more times that day... crap, I have no idea.

So, I know for a FACT that I also went to Paris, 'cause I saw the Eiffel Tower Figurine Store next to a McDonald's. I didn't come back with one though. It may be just because the iguana ate it.

I don't know what happened or how this whole dilemma began. But looking back at my previous posts, I saw that I apparently intended to steal the Rosetta Stone from the British Museum. I don't know if I went through with it, but it sounds right... but if I stole it, why don't I still have it? And there's this weird powder all over my bag... this is so screwy. Sigh.

You know what I need to find? My camera's memory card. If I could locate it, everything would make sense...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Plane Trip

So, we're gonna leave in three hours. Expect no more posts for two weeks (but keep checking up to boost my hit count).

This needs to be a very short post, 'cause I still haven't done a s***load of stuff (packing, eating, showering, etc). So, SAYONARA, CAPYBARA! I'm off to steal the Rosetta Stone.

Bye!

I Can't Believe it's not Wiener!

Oh, hello hello, everyone. I haven't blogged for a while because I've been sitting on my butt staring at the computer, but I didn't want to invest the time it takes to write a post. So, here we go-- I hope I won't have to leave in the middle of writing this.

Anthony Wiener, the congressman accused of tweeting his namesake, is still under fire for... hmm... Twienering? Wieneeting? There's no good pun for that, is there?

The sad thing is, I used to be a big fan of Wiener. That didn't sound right. He used to stand up to the Republicans using colorful graphs and language. It's a shame. He's also a good friend of Jon Stewart, who somehow managed to slice his wrist open while doing a bit on his congressman friend. Click HERE to watch the clip.

Let's get off this somewhat disgusting topic and start talking about something much more exciting-- my trip to Europe! On Tuesday, I'm leaving for the mystical land of ridiculous hats and rich figureheads. Now, instead of blogging from Europe (which would be incredibly easy to do), I've decided to be a bit of a turd about this and take the next two weeks off. When I get back, I will publish my exploits to the 'internets'.

See, I'll be keeping an obnoxious travel journal while I'm in England and France, which will not necessarily reflect the actual events that happen while I'm there. For those of you who want the actual account, just use your imaginations.

I know I will.

Bye!

P.S.-- this is my 100th post in 2011!

COUNTDOWN TO SUMMER: PART TWO

The last day of school was today. Being in the band, I had to play 'Pomp and Circumstance' for the eighth grade graduation. Tomorrow is the first official day of summer vacation, and tonight we're watching DA TERMINATAH with our infamous governator.

So, on the first day of school, we wrote letters to ourselves and sealed them in envelopes. We just opened them today. So here's mine:

Dear Me:

First off, I've gotta tell you: You'd better have a cell phone. I STILL don't have one, but my birthday is creeping up...

Oh, is time travel possible yet? If so, you've gotta write me back. Send the letter to 9:25 am at room 303 on August 22, 2010.

I haven't gotten a letter yet. Crap.

Are you still friends with Ben, Luis, Cody, and the gang? What level are you on CODMW2? I'm level 27, and PAINFULLY CLOSE to getting the Aug Hbar.

7th grade is just starting today. Huzzah. I have to say, though, it's already looking like a pretty good year (I may be wrong). You don't know how lucky you have it-- I'm currently looking at 179 more days of school, while YOU have 2 1/2 months of summer coming at you. You lucky twit.

One quick thing-- don't you DARE waste your upcoming summer. Take it from someone who recently squandered his: Go to New York. Or make dad take you to Hawaii (don't let him stay at the cheapest hotel). Do SOMETHING.

You can probably draw better than this, can't you? Damn! I can't WAIT to be you.

Quick- everyone's finishing their letters and we're wrapping this activity up. If you see Cody, punch him in the arm and tell him you weren't responsible for it: Your past self told you to do it.

Bye!

P.S.: Does ANYONE write letters anymore?

So, to answer any and all questions, I'm level 62, I punched Cody in the arm VERY hard, I'm still friends with everyone, and we're going to Europe in five days, thereby not wasting the summer. And this year was my best school year ever-- made possible by my science teacher, the coolest teacher I've ever had. I hereby declare October 21st in honor of THE BEST F'N teacher on the planet, who unfortunately is leaving to teach somewhere in central California.

Sayonara, Capybara.

Four Days

Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four days. Four freakin' days until seventh grade is over. I can't wait, as you probably guessed from this post's lead-up. I went all-out today. I stacked three tables on top of each other in the gym. I hung a janitor's broom from the basketball hoops. And I shoved Luis's water bottle behind the poster that says WHITE HILL after I climbed up the wall. I'm pretty parkour.

But even a momentous event such as the last day of school doesn't block out a story like this: A guy named Wiener's wiener. I'm talking, of course, about Anthony Wiener, the Democrat congressman who sent a picture of his badonkadonk to some teenage girl via Twitter. Whoopsies. He denied it up until today, when he finally broke down and admitted his account was not hacked, and he did take a pic of his schlong. Now, I'm not putting this picture on my blog, because to do that, I would have to Google image the phrase 'Wiener's wiener'. And I don't think anyone would like the results of that one.

This story is comic gold. It's a guy named Wiener (which is funny enough on its own) who took a picture... OF HIS WIENER!!! I can't stress enough how much self-control it's taking not to rampage on and on and on and on and on with an endless barrage of jokes and puns. But after the 'King Tut's Penis' series, I'll stay off that general topic.

Sarah Palin is a moron. Wait, that bears repeating-- Sarah Palin is a moron. She's not sure if she's going to run in 2012, so she decided to go on a cross-country bus tour in this ridiculous thing:

That scares the s*** out of me. It is, literally, a Magical Mystery Tour Bus. LOOK AT IT! It's ridiculous. Apparently, this is 'not a campaign bus', but we all know that's bs. The point of it is, supposedly, to focus on the history of America. That's why she said Paul Revere was riding to warn the British.

Look, I can't talk about this. Literally, I can't talk, I have a cold. But if I continue to type on this subject, the bile in my bloodstream might catch fire.

I'm very adamant about this.

Sayonara, capybara!

European-You're 'a Peein'

Five days of school left. This means I've slogged through 175 long, looooooooong days of pure torture/hell. But in many ways, the last few days are the most excruciatingly difficult. Math tests, science tests, spanish tests, english... okay, actually we're watching a movie in english. But that's still three out of four.

As of next Tuesday, we will have exactly one week until we're in Europe. I can't wait. The Euros and Pounds arrived today. They're ridiculous. Here, take a look:

That's monopoly money if I've ever seen it. They look like they were designed by six-year olds as wall hangings for their kindergarten classrooms. They're all glittery and stuff. And what's worse is that we only got twenties! I wanted to 'collect them all!!!'

Oh, and my apologies if I offended anyone reading this blog from an EU country. I did not intend offense when I said your currency looks like something you'd find in the bottom of a cereal box.

Fortunately, no one in this family is a particularly generous spender. We're not coming home with plastic Eiffel Towers or life-size inflatable Elizabeth II dolls. As I said in a post many, many moons ago, it took my parents forever to finally buy a new car. BTW, click HERE to read that post (entitled 'Secondhand').

While we're on the topic of links, check out THIS link. It goes to my friend Ben's website, Shmuff.com, which he actually had to buy. I don't know who the money went to, but I have a feeling-- It's in that big, massive computer database in the sky. And yes, his website is a tad... simplistic. But whatever. It's still pretty cool.

Bye!