Long Live the Fountain Drink!!!

I was at the movies every weekend for the past few weeks, and every single time, I bought my usual 48-ounce fountain drink. Topped off with ice and a straw 1/2 an inch wide, it is truly a marvel of human engineering. I actually have a t-shirt emblazoned with the Pepsi logo. If it was socially acceptable, I would walk around all day with one of those things, trying to use the Pepsi's acidic properties to erode my braces. But no.

My love for abnormally-sized fluid containers has led to my outrage over a recent story out of New York: Mayor Mike Bloomberg has banned all fountain drinks more than 16 ounces in size. This is TERRIBLE. Like any sane person, I instantly began stockpiling gigantic Mountain Dew cups in order to have a leftover stash in case the ban hits Marin County.

I'll be perfectly honest: This ban came from the right intentions. It's just another futile effort from a city mayor to try and make his constituents less... how shall I put this... massive. But he is going about it in completely the wrong way. The ban includes no provisions about free refills, black-market cup dealers, or even a ban on ordering two SMALLER glasses of about 16 ounces each.

That's the one that burns me up: Because of Bloomberg, more plastic will be put in New York's trashcans, dumps, and landfills than ever before. And the best part is that he doesn't even care! In an interview with CNN, he said he didn't mind if the ban didn't deter anyone, he just wanted to 'get the point across'. Screw off, Bloomberg. If I don't have a few liters of Sprite in my bladder, how else am I supposed to play Sink The Boat?

The good news is that the law will most likely go completely unregulated, seeing as no one is going to go around to every 7-11 in the city and measure the amount of Pepsi you can fit in each individual cup. Although that would create some jobs.

The important message is that THIS IS AMERICA! Not even CANADA has a ban on fountain drinks! And when we start banning things that CANADA allows, you know we've got some problems. By the way, there are two exceptions to that rule: Curling and Justin Bieber should be banned here.

Bye!