The reactor in Japan has begun to release nuclear wind, much like my friend Luis after he eats a burrito. The nuclear fallout began to spread to Alaska at roughly 6:00 yesterday. The radioactive air reached me, in the Bay Area, at 8:00 this morning.
At school, it was pouring rain. We were, unlike usual rainy days, not allowed to go out into the rain. We asked the principal why, and he said, AND I QUOTE:
"We don't want you to melt."
Shocking, I know. I went back to my classroom and told everyone the story. As soon as they heard, they turned on the teacher and locked him in a broom closet. The government of our school had LIED TO US! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUUUUH!
We stole our science teacher's Prius and drove back to my house, where I had built a rudimentary bomb shelter about two years ago. We climbed in just when the acid rain began to melt houses and homes around us.
Down here, we have about 30,000 cans of food, a dozen can openers (you don't want one to break), fifteen shotguns, and two hermitically sealed meat coolers full of fresh ribs and such. We also have 12 bunk beds, enough ammo to last us to 2020, and a periscope to see what's going on above us.
It's not pretty.
I put my digital camera up to the periscope in order to see outside. I warn you, this is not for a weak stomach:
That digital image is of a huge zombie apocalypse. I was unaware that zombies could be created by heavy exposure to radiation.
But there is one thing that I believe can save them. An ancient relic with supernatural powers. No, it's not what you think.
Genghis Khan's dead body.
I'm stealing a plane and flying to Uzbekistan. Maybe I can reverse what has happened here.
Maybe.
To anyone reading this, I have but one message: Survive.
Bye!
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