In Brightest Day and Blackest Friday

I looked out my bedroom window a few days ago and noticed that a few of our neighbors were loading up their Mazda with flat panel TVs. Like, five of them. Intrigued, I decided to go have a closer look. But when I went down to the street, I saw a truck full of DVD players and iPads drive by with two dumb hicks screaming out the windows.

I biked into town, and found the streets deserted. Storefronts were smashed open, cars were left abandoned in the middle of the street, and tents were set up in front of Best Buy. I wondered how long I had been asleep, and if the apocalypse had already happened a few weeks ahead of its planned date in December. But no... then I realized.

It wasn't looting. It was just Black Friday, the day when men and women across America flock to their nearest department stores to bash other people's heads in over some $20 blenders. The day when people spend $300 on a camping tent and George Foreman grill just to wait in line to save $50 on a laptop. The magical time of year when nobody thinks twice about running over an elderly woman's toes with a shopping cart just to get to the 75% off Christmas presents.

 
But in all seriousness, if you went out bargain-hunting on Friday and fought off other greed-crazed holiday shoppers, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! You're just celebrating the end of a holiday defined by junk to buy junk for another holiday even MORE defined by junk! This kind of ridiculous s**t is what's wrong with America, and I'm not having any more of it.

On a semi-reputable graph on Memebase, I saw that $60 BILLION was spent on Black Friday. So what if, instead of spending it all on discount salad spinners, electrical strips, and digital converters, we sent it all to one 15-year-old in Marin County?

Sorry, did I say greed was BAD? Bye!