Election Night, Part VI

A more fitting end to this campaign couldn't have been imagined. Romney has given his official concession speech after much deliberation and stalling, and it was just what I should have expected. I WANTED him to flip out and start crying, but no--- He acted almost relieved. It was like he had realized that he had no idea how to run a country, and he wanted it all to be over so he could go to bed.

Meanwhile, the Tea Party wing of the Republicans has cost them several Senate seats, leaving the majority still in the hands of the Democrats. The only victories for the Republicans tonight were the gubernatorial and representative races, which both ended in hefty Republican majorities. But you'll be pleased to hear that Todd Akin lost in a landslide after his 'legitimate rape' comments. I'm overjoyed.

There are probably a lot of Republicans who will start lambasting Romney for being too liberal, and decide to swing even FURTHER to the crazy right-wing. But that's not the case: As old, dumpy white guys from the south begin to either die out or stop voting, the Republicans will need to appeal to a broader group of people. Instead of trying to win over bible-toting, meth-cooking, trailer-living, gun-stockpiling, grit-eating, sodsucking, unshaven wife-beater wearing hicks from Alabama, they need to be more moderate. Instead, they need to win over the Prius-driving, ironic glasses-wearing, coffee-drinking, sushi-eating, laptop-using hipster west-coast techie liberals from Washington. It won't be easy, because they've identified themselves so far as the party of the previous persuasion, but in 100 years I wouldn't be surprised if the Republican party had an entirely different identity (or just didn't exist).


Oh, God, I'm so glad he isn't president. Just so f**king glad...

But until the Republicans can figure out what to do with themselves, it's going to be a rough few years. Even decades, if the right splits into two separate parties. Democrats, meanwhile, are more united than ever. Technically, I identify myself as a Democrat, but I would really love it if there were actually two valid choices between candidates. It would be great. But so far, I have rooted for the best candidate in every election, and it has consistently been a Democrat.

Obama's about to give his acceptance speech, but I don't care. I'm not staying up much longer anyway, and I can only imagine how bad the east coasters are feeling right now. It's 1:30 in the morning... Jesus H. Christ. Heyyy... what if the 'H' in Jesus' name stood for 'Hussein'? And while we're at it, has anyone seen Jesus' birth certificate? Noooooo!

All I can say is that I'm blown away, vindicated, and happily impressed with the American public. Some faith in humanity has been restored.

Bye!