The Conspirafication of the American Punditscape

I am in dire need of finding a good laptop. Summer is coming up, and I need a bigger screen to watch movies on all night instead of my iPod. Just think: I'll reach over to my library of DVDs (including but not limited to: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Die Hard, The Big Lebowski, Pulp Fiction, The Good The Bad and The Ugly, Kill Bill, Lawrence of Arabia, The Hangover, LA Confidential, and The Terminator), pop one into the disc drive, and... aaaah... two hours of total bliss.

Of course, I don't want to get into a hassle like last time. You may remember from back in November, when I bought an $80 laptop, which promptly broke two weeks later. Good call, Graham. Way to not spring for the warranty. But that's what you get when you buy fourth-hand electronics from the random stoner at your school.

But my problems seem a little inconsequential compared to what the IRS has been going through this week. So let me walk you through the more important points of the scandal that has been rocking the government: Back in 2010, there was this thing called the "Tea Party." You probably don't remember it, no one really wants to. Anyway, it has recently come out that the Internal Revenue Service made specific efforts to target Tea Party and other right-wing groups for audits and extended background checks.

This really is a toss-up for me, because it pits two groups I hate against each other: Warmongering right-wingers and tax collectors. And given the songs 'Taxman' and 'Give Peace a Chance', The Beatles weren't big fans of them either. But I have to admit that the IRS did have probable cause here: If a group of people protests in the streets over taking back the government and staging a tax revolt, why wouldn't you be more inclined than usual to inspect their tax returns? And besides, I wouldn't trust these people to do fourth-grade multiplication problems, let alone calculate their tax returns. But now the great government conspiracy has come out, and all the teabaggers are up in arms, talking about being 'oppressed.' This is the part where nobody cares.

Or at least, it should be, but now all the right-wing conspiracy theories are being brought out into the limelight. The attack on the US consulate in Benghazi is STILL being discussed, and people are saying that it was a 'massive intelligence failure' or that the president knew about it, but didn't do anything because he's a socialist muslim Kenyan... whatever. I can't even remember the entire thing.

The funniest part of this is that the senators who are 'investigating' Benghazi are the same people who said that "George W. Bush kept us safe; there were no major terrorist attacks on US soil for almost all of his presidency!"

Right... except for that one time.

So instead of these two massively hyperbolic Republican fantasies getting the ostracization they deserve (and yes, I just coined the word ostracization), they are being broadcast 24/7 on all the major news networks. And so right now there's probably some racist southern hick guzzling Pabst Blue Ribbon, eating KFC, and waving a Confederate flag while watching CNN and yelling "AH KNEWED IT! AH KNEWED IT! ISSA CONSPIRACY! I HATES GUBMINT!!!"

Before this post delves into my 1,001 reasons why I hate the south, I'm cutting myself off. And yes, I could EASILY think of 1,001 reasons. Hey... that would make a great blog post. Anyway, in closing, I would love to deliver you some fantastic news: In the season finale of How I Met Your Mother, we friggin' meet the mother. Which is weird, seeing as I just called for this five days ago. Someone at CBS is reading my blog.

Bye!