PacRim

I just saw Pacific Rim with my friend Calvin, and... *sigh*... it was pretty stupid. Seriously, it's dumb as shit. But here we go: Pacific Rim chronicles the efforts of humanity to fight the onslaught of inter-dimensional Godzilla lizards climbing through a trans-universal rift in the Pacific Ocean. Seriously. It's f**king stupid. To combat these creatures (called Kaiju), humanity created Jaegers, enormous robots that feature all the most advanced weapons known to man. Like... a sword. A razor blade. And a fist.

They explain away this ridiculous shit by saying that the Kaiju's skin is impervious to nuclear warheads, missiles, etc... but not a robot punching them. That makes sense. Also, the robots must be piloted by two people. Why can't they just be programmed to fight? Because Plotline. Why can't just one person pilot them? Because Plotline again. How does the neural-link technology exist? You guessed it: PLOTLINE.

So, overlooking the INCREDIBLE lapses in logic... the dialogue is horrible. Absolutely horrific. None of the actors seem even remotely committed to their roles, and it shows. Idris Elba is the one exception, as he can make even the corniest lines seem intimidating. But other than him, the acting is a total dud. Featuring totally inept performances from both of its leads, we've now realized that a good 67% of this movie is crap. So, besides plot and characters/dialogue, what's left?

SPECIAL F**KING EFFECTS. And this had PLENTY of them. This is the kind of movie that appeals to the 10-year-old kid in all of us. It's Transformers fighting Godzilla, and it's pretty epic. Overlooking the fact that this was undoubtedly made just to sell toys... in fact, there's a scene at the beginning where we're treated to the fact that, in seven or so years, the Kaiju and Jaegers are both kid's toys, and little action figures are sold everywhere. Not since the first Transformers movie has this been more evident. "COOL, MOM!"



But even the action sequences are dumb. They last too long, and the WOW factor really decreases after you start to realize that EVERY OTHER COUNTRY'S JAEGER WILL DIE EXCEPT FOR AMERICA'S. Again, because Plotline. Oh, and good job not giving Uzbekistan, Paraguay, or Mozambique a Jaeger, Guillermo del Toro. Real smooth.

At the end, we discover that the Kaiju are all clones of each other (so why do they look different? Because Plotline), and that they're amassing for an all-out assault. Which makes you wonder what they're waiting for. Idris Elba sacrifices himself, because the black guy always has to die in these movies, and the portal is destroyed. Somehow, our two heroes are able to escape back through the interdimensional portal, even though they had just explained that only Kaiju could pass through. They even made a big show of having them grab a Kaiju and hold onto it as they went through the portal, just so they wouldn't get zapped. It's f**king stupid.

And so they eject in escape pods and float to the surface. Why couldn't they and the other pilots have used these escape pods before? Plotline. And then we have the predictable "OH NO THE HERO'S DEAD" sequence, ending when he coughs and sputters and says something witty while helicopters fly in perfect formation overhead. Totally awful.

So, Final Score for Pacific Rim? 4/10 stars. The summer of duds is continuing here. At this point, watch Much Ado About Nothing instead, when you finally get bored with the relentless onslaughts of unnecessary CGI. First Man of Steal Your Money, and now this? Hollywood needs to realize that special effects do not a movie make.

Bye!