Breaking Pope

It's Saint Patrick's Day today, and all across the world, people are celebrating by burping up the contents of their stomachs while defecating in the corner of a bowling alley. I'm pretty happy today-- a year ago, I wore green by having green bands put on my braces. CAN'T DO THAT S**T ANYMORE, CAN I??? So yes, I am content.

I may have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have been recording all of my ingenious thoughts on paper, in a notebook I call THE DOODLEBOOK. Of course, all my wisdom didn't fit in that, so I had to expand to Volume II and Volume III. I don't want these genius ideas to have to sit on paper forever though, so now I'm going to post a little bit of The Doodlebook on this blog at a time and hopefully, over the years, I'll load the whole thing. Today we begin the arduous task of uploading all my GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT SCHOOL. #1: Spanish homework can be put off forever.

I've been working on The Doodlebook for years now, and the three volumes are almost jam-packed with every bit of useful information you need to survive. There's the Idiot's Guide to Mixing a White Marinite (my personalized chocolate drink). There's The Periodic Table of Awesome. And of course, there's THE PEEP CODE, which is absolute law among my friends. And don't worry-- although there's a clause about executions, we haven't had to carry one out.

Yet.


Anyway, there are some other things to talk about today, for instance the fact that Pope Francis I has a master's degree in chemistry. A lot of people think this means that he'll be more open to science and its ideas, but I disagree-- if Breaking Bad is any indication, he'll be cooking meth in the Vatican before the week is out. In fact... hmm... maybe that's what the white smoke is. And they've just called Francis in to help them out with the recipe.

Bye!

Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part Seven: Too Pooped To Pope

Time for some recap: This series has been going since late 2010, and the installments have gotten progressively weirder. I'm not in the mood for giving an extensive background for my battles with Uri Geller, but I will explain just so I have something to write about. In 2010, King Tut's 'little Nile' was reported missing by a CREDIBLE NEWS SOURCE. Remember that. Anyway, I've since embarked on many a mission to locate the 'mummified cucumber' and restore it to its rightful owner.

You see, some experts in the field of 3,000-year-old penises have divined that the 'pocket sarcophagus' may have supernatural powers. That's why the revolt in Egypt occurred, that's why Uri Geller (a man who can bend spoons with his mind) has sought after it, and that's why I must have it to add to my ancient Egyptian artifacts collection.

Now that you're caught up, we can begin: I've had my suspicions about the Catholic Church for some time, but never in a million years did I expect that they had found King Tut's 'little Tut'. But the Pope stepping down today has caused me to think. It's quite possible that the Vatican has found it, but Benedict refuses to be part of an organization that searches for ancient dicks. Odd, seeing as he's a bit of an ancient dick himself. I mean, he tolerated molestation but not this?



Whatever, I'm not caring. The point is that, somewhere within the bowels of the Vatican, lies the 'pint-sized scepter' that I and others have scoured the globe for since 2010. But the question still remains: How did the 'teeny cobra' find its way from Egypt to Rome? Well, it's quite simple: During the outbreak of violence in the 2011 revolt, the Muslim Brotherhood found it somewhere in the wreckage of Cairo. Not wanting to allow something of such incredible power fall into the wrong hands, they sent it out of Egypt by boat during the conflict so that Al Qaeda didn't use it to blow up the friggin' world.

But after it sat in the middle of the Mediterranean for months on end, the boat was struck by another boat: THE CONTRA COASTA. This Italian ship ended up running around onshore, but the other ship sank instantly. While uncovering the wreckage, the Italians discovered the hermetically sealed box with the... you know what, I'm officially out of metaphors!

Anyway, they whisked it away to the Vatican while the Egyptians pondered how and why they had lost the most important historical artifact of all time. TA-DAAAAH!

So, what's next? Maybe I'll have to break into the Vatican. And maybe I'll help a few thousand altar boys escape while I'm at it. But mark my words, that... y'know... penis... is somewhere in Rome. It must be found.

Bye!

Pope My Ride

My school is big on assemblies, apparently, and now we all have to go to a Texting While Driving presentation on Wednesday. Everyone in the school has to go, even those of us who can't drive. And for that matter, can't text. I need WiFi to text because I have an iPod touch without a mobile plan... yeah. So this is going to be a good hour of useless information.

Also, I can't multitask for S**T. Seriously. If you try talking to me while I'm playing the piano, I'll just stare blankly at you. I have no way of moving my mouth. So the concept that I would actually have to motor skills to perform two tasks that require a good level of concentration at the same time (one of which endangers my life) is pretty stupid.

Even the slogan is dumb--- "ARRIVE ALIVE: DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE". A little morbid. It reminds me of the street safety slogan that Calvin and Hobbes come up with: "BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!" His is better.

But this isn't the biggest news circulating around by FAR. Because just today, Pope Benedict the XVCIUKFFGCV has decided to step down. By the way, I didn't feel like putting in any effort to find out which Pope Designation Number (PDN) he has, so those roman numerals may vary in accuracy.


The Pope in the Popemobile, preparing to return to the Popecave. His ward is Altar Boy the Boy Wonder.

Don't even think for a second that the Catholic Church will change, though: Benedict has surrounded himself with a bunch of yes-men who will undoubtedly vote in someone just like him. Unlike the time they accidentally voted for me. I was Pope for six days, just enough time to hate the funny hat.

However, there may be something far more sinister lurking in the bowels of the Vatican. Remember, this is the first time the Pope has resigned in CENTURIES, leading me to believe that there are some extenuating circumstances. Has he found the original first draft of the Bible? Did he molest some kids? Or did he discover something that has been lost for quite some time now...?

KING TUT'S PENIS!!!

JOIN ME NEXT TIME FOR MORE LUDICROUS TALES OF THE PHARAOH'S SCHLONG!!!