Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral"

Sometimes, you come across a group of people so monumentally retarded, you wonder how the lumps of half-baked potatoes functioning as their brains are actually capable of dragging them out of bed in the morning. I hate a lot of stuff (duh, I'm a blogger), but I reserve my all-out detestation only for people and things that infuriate me right to my core.

The Westboro Baptist Buttholes are one such thing. Never in my life did I think I would come across any human being stupid enough to picket military funerals with signs that read "Thank God For Dead Soldiers," but hey, if you can imagine it, someone out there believes it. Anyway, these religious flamers have been disrupting people's funerals for several years now, much to the public's dismay and the media's glee, so that just makes the current situation all the more hilariously ironic.

Fred Phelps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church itself, is currently in the process of doing probably the one good deed he has ever accomplished in his miserable existence: He is dying. And for this... he will have my eternal gratitude. But the good people of the WBC are now all butthurt over people mocking this turn of events, saying that their dying leader should be treated with respect. HAHAHA! I was more sympathetic when Osama bin Laden died! You retards set up a church with a website called "GodHatesFags.com," and you expect us to have the slightest bit of respect for your bigoted, racist, and blatantly homophobic leader, who is now dying what I hope is the most painful death in the history of the world? I laugh derisively at your hypocrisy!



However, even when my spirits are at their lowest... there's always that one guy who restores my faith in humanity. Good on you, random guy holding a sign. You've made my 100 Best Internet People list.

Just to make things all the more hilarious, Phelps was excommunicated from the church that HE STARTED because he was advocating a more "gentle" approach to the church's message. Can you imagine what the hell happened there? If your organization doesn't let FRED PHELPS in because he's "not crazy enough," then you seriously need to rethink your mission statement. Also, what exactly did he say to get booted out? "Hey guys, I think we should really team up with the Muslims to eliminate the gays, because we really need to focus on the big picture here." "Teaming up with the Muslims? HERESY! Burn, heretic!"

Anyway, the point is that he's dying and I'm happy. Really, I shouldn't be happy about other people's misfortune, but at the same time, he was a cancerous detriment to America that degraded humanity's overall worth. It's messed up to say that someone deserves to die... but really, if anyone deserves to die, it's this asshole. And for those of you wondering... yes, I believe I will have a few choice words to say at his funeral.

Bye!

Pulpit Friction

I finally got back my epic, 100-page novel for English class, and (big shock) I got 100% on it. Actually, that is a big shock, because NOBODY gets a grade like that on a novel. Especially one about people going to kill Hitler and blowing people's heads off with rocket-propelled grenades. So if I get to write Tarantino-style gorefests and get an A++ on it, sign me up for more English class!

Meanwhile, other people's lives aren't nearly as good. Case in point: In West Virginia this week, an 8th grader has been suspended from school and put in jail-- all because he refused to take off an NRA t-shirt at school. Now, I'll negate the obvious 1st amendment problems here for a second and focus on the fact that school dress codes are, 9 times out of 10, absolutely f**king moronic. My friend Connor was once forced to remove a 'Legalize It' shirt, even though he's never smoked weed in his life... or so he claims. This is pure and unbridled censorship of people's political beliefs, and I won't friggin' stand for it. It's not like the shirt was emblazoned with a racial slur or some inflammatory statement. It was just the logo of an American lobbying association.

Although I don't support the NRA at all, I do believe in freedom of speech for all people. Of course, I also think that teenagers should be allowed to vote, so maybe I'm just an idiot. But this isn't the first time that BS like this has happened. In one school, a student was suspended for making what the teachers thought was a gun... out of mashed potatoes. What's next? Every school in Florida being locked down because the state "Kind of resembles a gun?"


We're keeping an eye on you, Florida... you just watch yourself.

Moving on to non-depressing news, it seems as if Pope Francis is going to be a little more of a reformer than his creepy predecessor, Pope Molestationcoverup I (as he shall henceforth be known). Francis has recently announced that he will be clearing the Vatican and the church's holdings around the world of hypocrites and priests who covered up the rape of little kids. So you wouldn't think that this would be such an explosive issue.

But the Catholic Church, much like the Republican Party, has been doing s**t the same way for centuries, and apparently clearing the air about molestation just isn't their MO. He's also reforming the church's hierarchy to ensure that there won't be so much infighting. To give some perspective, that's like someone walking into AIG and saying "Gee, what you guys are doing is wrong." And then people start yelling "HOLY S**T!!! WE HAD NO IDEA!!!"

You can probably tell that I have little to no faith (so to speak) in our world religions, but who gives a f**k. I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Bye!

The 85-Year-Old Virgin

I am officially on February break now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. And with so much free time, I have the chance to take up new hobbies. Like painting pictures of myself in the tub. No, wait, that's George Bush's job. Because you see, when the Bush family's emails were hacked this week, self-portraits of the Decider-in-Chief were spilled all over the internet.

I never thought I'd say this, but I love George Bush. Seriously, this is hilarious s**t. The guy has NOTHING ELSE TO DO with his time, and he's painting himself in the shower and bath. Probably at 2:00 in the afternoon. Now, some people are saying that these pictures are a 'cry for help', and that the recurring bathing theme is a metaphor for Bush wanting to wash the blood of Katrina and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan off his hands. I, however, think it's just a painting of a guy in the tub who thinks that painting scenery is too hard.

But speaking of free time, what about Pope Benedict? He's stepping down at the end of February, so what the hell is he going to do? Make model trains? Troll the internet? Audition for the role of The Emperor in Star Wars Episode VII? Or go on ChristianMingle to try and get some action at the ripe old age of 85?

 
Yeah... good luck with that one, Ben...

And this STILL isn't the coolest story of the week, because today a meteorite in Russia created a sonic boom that injured over 1,000 people. The videos of this famously badass occurrence are all over the internet, and it's some frightening stuff. But apparently, today was the day that an enormous asteroid passed by Earth in the closest extraterrestrial fly-by ever recorded. Coincidence? No.

Anyway, stay tuned for my post about Die Hard 5. And for the rest of the break, I shall relax, enjoy a brief respite from the crushing backlog of homework I have building up, and maybe paint a few pictures of myself in the tub.

Bye!

Pope My Ride

My school is big on assemblies, apparently, and now we all have to go to a Texting While Driving presentation on Wednesday. Everyone in the school has to go, even those of us who can't drive. And for that matter, can't text. I need WiFi to text because I have an iPod touch without a mobile plan... yeah. So this is going to be a good hour of useless information.

Also, I can't multitask for S**T. Seriously. If you try talking to me while I'm playing the piano, I'll just stare blankly at you. I have no way of moving my mouth. So the concept that I would actually have to motor skills to perform two tasks that require a good level of concentration at the same time (one of which endangers my life) is pretty stupid.

Even the slogan is dumb--- "ARRIVE ALIVE: DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE". A little morbid. It reminds me of the street safety slogan that Calvin and Hobbes come up with: "BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!" His is better.

But this isn't the biggest news circulating around by FAR. Because just today, Pope Benedict the XVCIUKFFGCV has decided to step down. By the way, I didn't feel like putting in any effort to find out which Pope Designation Number (PDN) he has, so those roman numerals may vary in accuracy.


The Pope in the Popemobile, preparing to return to the Popecave. His ward is Altar Boy the Boy Wonder.

Don't even think for a second that the Catholic Church will change, though: Benedict has surrounded himself with a bunch of yes-men who will undoubtedly vote in someone just like him. Unlike the time they accidentally voted for me. I was Pope for six days, just enough time to hate the funny hat.

However, there may be something far more sinister lurking in the bowels of the Vatican. Remember, this is the first time the Pope has resigned in CENTURIES, leading me to believe that there are some extenuating circumstances. Has he found the original first draft of the Bible? Did he molest some kids? Or did he discover something that has been lost for quite some time now...?

KING TUT'S PENIS!!!

JOIN ME NEXT TIME FOR MORE LUDICROUS TALES OF THE PHARAOH'S SCHLONG!!!