Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part Seven: Too Pooped To Pope

Time for some recap: This series has been going since late 2010, and the installments have gotten progressively weirder. I'm not in the mood for giving an extensive background for my battles with Uri Geller, but I will explain just so I have something to write about. In 2010, King Tut's 'little Nile' was reported missing by a CREDIBLE NEWS SOURCE. Remember that. Anyway, I've since embarked on many a mission to locate the 'mummified cucumber' and restore it to its rightful owner.

You see, some experts in the field of 3,000-year-old penises have divined that the 'pocket sarcophagus' may have supernatural powers. That's why the revolt in Egypt occurred, that's why Uri Geller (a man who can bend spoons with his mind) has sought after it, and that's why I must have it to add to my ancient Egyptian artifacts collection.

Now that you're caught up, we can begin: I've had my suspicions about the Catholic Church for some time, but never in a million years did I expect that they had found King Tut's 'little Tut'. But the Pope stepping down today has caused me to think. It's quite possible that the Vatican has found it, but Benedict refuses to be part of an organization that searches for ancient dicks. Odd, seeing as he's a bit of an ancient dick himself. I mean, he tolerated molestation but not this?



Whatever, I'm not caring. The point is that, somewhere within the bowels of the Vatican, lies the 'pint-sized scepter' that I and others have scoured the globe for since 2010. But the question still remains: How did the 'teeny cobra' find its way from Egypt to Rome? Well, it's quite simple: During the outbreak of violence in the 2011 revolt, the Muslim Brotherhood found it somewhere in the wreckage of Cairo. Not wanting to allow something of such incredible power fall into the wrong hands, they sent it out of Egypt by boat during the conflict so that Al Qaeda didn't use it to blow up the friggin' world.

But after it sat in the middle of the Mediterranean for months on end, the boat was struck by another boat: THE CONTRA COASTA. This Italian ship ended up running around onshore, but the other ship sank instantly. While uncovering the wreckage, the Italians discovered the hermetically sealed box with the... you know what, I'm officially out of metaphors!

Anyway, they whisked it away to the Vatican while the Egyptians pondered how and why they had lost the most important historical artifact of all time. TA-DAAAAH!

So, what's next? Maybe I'll have to break into the Vatican. And maybe I'll help a few thousand altar boys escape while I'm at it. But mark my words, that... y'know... penis... is somewhere in Rome. It must be found.

Bye!