Pulpit Friction

I finally got back my epic, 100-page novel for English class, and (big shock) I got 100% on it. Actually, that is a big shock, because NOBODY gets a grade like that on a novel. Especially one about people going to kill Hitler and blowing people's heads off with rocket-propelled grenades. So if I get to write Tarantino-style gorefests and get an A++ on it, sign me up for more English class!

Meanwhile, other people's lives aren't nearly as good. Case in point: In West Virginia this week, an 8th grader has been suspended from school and put in jail-- all because he refused to take off an NRA t-shirt at school. Now, I'll negate the obvious 1st amendment problems here for a second and focus on the fact that school dress codes are, 9 times out of 10, absolutely f**king moronic. My friend Connor was once forced to remove a 'Legalize It' shirt, even though he's never smoked weed in his life... or so he claims. This is pure and unbridled censorship of people's political beliefs, and I won't friggin' stand for it. It's not like the shirt was emblazoned with a racial slur or some inflammatory statement. It was just the logo of an American lobbying association.

Although I don't support the NRA at all, I do believe in freedom of speech for all people. Of course, I also think that teenagers should be allowed to vote, so maybe I'm just an idiot. But this isn't the first time that BS like this has happened. In one school, a student was suspended for making what the teachers thought was a gun... out of mashed potatoes. What's next? Every school in Florida being locked down because the state "Kind of resembles a gun?"


We're keeping an eye on you, Florida... you just watch yourself.

Moving on to non-depressing news, it seems as if Pope Francis is going to be a little more of a reformer than his creepy predecessor, Pope Molestationcoverup I (as he shall henceforth be known). Francis has recently announced that he will be clearing the Vatican and the church's holdings around the world of hypocrites and priests who covered up the rape of little kids. So you wouldn't think that this would be such an explosive issue.

But the Catholic Church, much like the Republican Party, has been doing s**t the same way for centuries, and apparently clearing the air about molestation just isn't their MO. He's also reforming the church's hierarchy to ensure that there won't be so much infighting. To give some perspective, that's like someone walking into AIG and saying "Gee, what you guys are doing is wrong." And then people start yelling "HOLY S**T!!! WE HAD NO IDEA!!!"

You can probably tell that I have little to no faith (so to speak) in our world religions, but who gives a f**k. I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Bye!

Sequester Quest

I am so fearful for my life right now. I have to add another thing to my OFFICIAL LIST OF THINGS THAT CAN KILL YOU AT ANY SECOND. And this is INCLUDING meteors in Russia. Take a look:

1) Brain aneurysms
2) Falling chunks of rock from the sky
3) The Kool-Aid Man
4) Gas explosions
5) Heart attacks
6) Terrorists
7) Predator drones, because for SOME reason, you're on the terrorist watch list.

And now we have SINKHOLES. In Florida, an enormous sinkhole opened to swallow some guy's house. As of this writing, he has been presumed dead, and the police have called off the search for him.  So now you get to worry not only about being sucked in by the Earth itself, but also about being abandoned by your tax dollars at work.

Speaking of which, Congress has stalled for a little too long, and now the automatic spending cuts set to kick in on March 1st have gone into effect. It's called the sequester (write that down, kids), and it's a really, really dumb idea. Not even joking, that was the intent. Congress basically said "Gee, let's make sure that we get this s**t done by March by saying that if we DON'T, this really crappy idea will take effect." I have no doubt that this was the exact thought process.


Yes. But not here.

So now the sequester is going to put an enormous bird crap on the beautiful windshield of Obama's second term. And yes, that metaphor is trademarked. I don't find it at all surprising that Congress is now deliberately coming up with bad ideas... they've been doing it on accident for decades, so it was just a matter of time.

I'm getting off track from my sinkhole story here... have you noticed that every time something crazy like this happens, it's always in Florida? The bath salts incident, and now this... it seems as if every day, a headline says something like "FLORIDA MAN STRANGLED BY BOA CONSTRICTOR WHILE PLAYING PACHINKO." It's uncanny.

I'm glad I live here in California, where the only things we have to worry about are earthquakes. Oh... GOD DAMN IT!!! I have to add another f**king thing to my list...

Bye!