Keeping Up With Kriminal Kourt Kases

In between my epic story of my trip, I will interject with actual news. And right now we have a doozy-- George Zimmerman, the guy who shot Treyvon Martin back in 2012, has been acquitted of all criminal charges.

This is probably the most arbitrarily unfair jury verdict since Casey Anthony's case was dismissed. Zimmerman followed Martin (a young black kid in a hoodie) for a few blocks before calling the police to report a 'suspicious' person in his neighborhood. After being told not to take action, Zimmerman was confronted by Martin, who had seen him stalking him. Zimmerman then shot Martin, killing him. And he has been released from custody without taking any responsibility for his actions.

And so now the whole f**king world is in an uproar. Europeans are now writing editorials painting America as a land of outlaw vigilantes who follow black people around their neighborhoods, looking for an excuse to shoot them. The entire South has come out in support of the verdict, saying that Martin attacked Zimmerman. Even President Obama weighed in, saying that he "Could have been Treyvon."

But among the most ironic and facepalm-worthy of the responses has to be Kim Kardashian's. She said that "Justice hadn't been served." Which made all of America pause and think for a second-- maybe Kim Kardashian isn't really the vapid and useless reality TV prop we all thought she was. Then we all remembered that HER FATHER GOT OJ SIMPSON ACQUITTED. Yyyyyyyyyup, it's stupid as shit.


When it comes to greed, hypocrisy, and all-out ignorance, it's impossible to keep up with the Kardashians. Actually, I think that a "Kardashian" was an alien on the original Star Trek series. No? I'm wrong?

However, the stupidest of responses had to come from George Zimmerman's brother, who expressed his fear that vigilantes would "Take the law into their own hands," and that his brother would now have to be "Constantly looking over his shoulder." Does that sound like anything else we know of? Hmmm, let me think... nope, not coming to me.

I think that, when I have the time and money, I will go to Florida and follow George Zimmerman wherever he goes. I'll peek through his windows, follow him into grocery stores, and hide in the trunk of his car when he's driving. Then, one day, when he finally snaps and tries to punch me in the face, I'll shoot him in the balls and yell "I STOOD MY GROUND!" Only then will justice truly be served.

Bye!

Here Comes the Gun

Whoo! I'm still winding down off my high horse after my epic rant about Baby Boomers last post. But I'm calm now. I'm calm-- GOD DAMN ASSHOLES CALLING US NARCISSISTIC?!?!?!? Okay, NOW I'm calm.

I'd like to take the chance now to talk about something a little less inflammatory: GUN LAWS! Yaaay! As you may recall, a few years ago a revolutionary new device called the 3-D printer was built by some geniuses in Silicone Valley. Once completed, the machine was able to take blueprints of any 3-D object off the internet, and place hundreds of layers of plastic on top of each other until it created the actual 3-dimensional object itself. Seeing how much I despise 3-D movies, I went into this with much skepticism. But when my 7th-grade math teacher demonstrated his to our class, I knew it was pretty legit.

But, as with all new technologies, someone has found a way to kill people with it. A conservative action group recently posted blueprints for a make-your-own 3-D gun on their website, so now anyone with a 3-D printer can download the specs, print off the pieces, and assemble their own DIY gun in the comfort of their own home. This Old House must be so proud.

Now, there is a law against all-plastic guns in the US, seeing as they are impossible to detect with metal detectors and can therefore be brought onto planes and into government buildings quite easily. But the creators of the gun, codenamed 'The Liberator', have skirted this law (but just barely) by including one piece that has to be purchased at a hardware store: A metal pin for the gun's hammer. Of course, you could just print off your own plastic pin to your own specifications, and no one would be the wiser. You would then be in possession of an all-plastic, undetectable, unregistered firearm with no way of being tracked or located. Bravo!



Yes, it looks stupid, but The Liberator fires actual bullets. So... should all the sane people in the land start panicking? I say no. Sure, The Liberator can be smuggled through any standard checkpoint, but it's virtually useless (unless you use it to beat someone to death) without the metal bullets that will set off any up-to-snuff metal detector. Also, it's still far easier in this gun-crazed nation to just buy your own gun-- even illegally and with no serial number.

You see, 3-D printers are still in the prototype stage, meaning the average one costs roughly $5,000. Besides that conspicuous price tag (which is noticeably far above the cost of a handgun), they also take a good amount of manual-reading and time to learn how to operate correctly. So don't worry-- if someone wants to get an untraceable gun, they don't have to print it off online; they can just buy one from Vinnie, that guy who sells unregistered revolvers.

Sleep well tonight. Bye!

Pulpit Friction

I finally got back my epic, 100-page novel for English class, and (big shock) I got 100% on it. Actually, that is a big shock, because NOBODY gets a grade like that on a novel. Especially one about people going to kill Hitler and blowing people's heads off with rocket-propelled grenades. So if I get to write Tarantino-style gorefests and get an A++ on it, sign me up for more English class!

Meanwhile, other people's lives aren't nearly as good. Case in point: In West Virginia this week, an 8th grader has been suspended from school and put in jail-- all because he refused to take off an NRA t-shirt at school. Now, I'll negate the obvious 1st amendment problems here for a second and focus on the fact that school dress codes are, 9 times out of 10, absolutely f**king moronic. My friend Connor was once forced to remove a 'Legalize It' shirt, even though he's never smoked weed in his life... or so he claims. This is pure and unbridled censorship of people's political beliefs, and I won't friggin' stand for it. It's not like the shirt was emblazoned with a racial slur or some inflammatory statement. It was just the logo of an American lobbying association.

Although I don't support the NRA at all, I do believe in freedom of speech for all people. Of course, I also think that teenagers should be allowed to vote, so maybe I'm just an idiot. But this isn't the first time that BS like this has happened. In one school, a student was suspended for making what the teachers thought was a gun... out of mashed potatoes. What's next? Every school in Florida being locked down because the state "Kind of resembles a gun?"


We're keeping an eye on you, Florida... you just watch yourself.

Moving on to non-depressing news, it seems as if Pope Francis is going to be a little more of a reformer than his creepy predecessor, Pope Molestationcoverup I (as he shall henceforth be known). Francis has recently announced that he will be clearing the Vatican and the church's holdings around the world of hypocrites and priests who covered up the rape of little kids. So you wouldn't think that this would be such an explosive issue.

But the Catholic Church, much like the Republican Party, has been doing s**t the same way for centuries, and apparently clearing the air about molestation just isn't their MO. He's also reforming the church's hierarchy to ensure that there won't be so much infighting. To give some perspective, that's like someone walking into AIG and saying "Gee, what you guys are doing is wrong." And then people start yelling "HOLY S**T!!! WE HAD NO IDEA!!!"

You can probably tell that I have little to no faith (so to speak) in our world religions, but who gives a f**k. I believe that everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Bye!

Gunshy

Well, four months after Newtown, it's finally happening. Two senators have declared that they're putting through bipartisan gun law reform. Unfortunately, this comes in the wake of a stabbing in Texas, where some nut stabbed 14 people at his community college. So now we're going to have to get restrictions on knives as well.

As much as I support gun control, I can't imagine so-called 'bipartisan' reforms having any impact on our gun laws. Republicans have already killed the assault weapons ban, and they're still crusading against background checks. What kind of messed-up country do we live in where you can't marry who you want, but you can stockpile 'cop-killer' bullets?

Disheartening as it may seem, crazy people will find ways to kill people no matter what restrictions we have on them. So why not start looking for background checks on knives as well? And while we're at it, why not Bibles? I saw John Dies at the End last night, and DAMN, that book's able to do some DAMAGE!



Sarcasm aside, the real key to preventing s**t like this is finding crazy people when they're young and getting them help. OR, we could annex some island, like Trinidad or something, and make them all live there. Then the rest of the world could send all their cuckoo maniacs there as well, and they could live out their days throwing coconuts at each other while we enjoy some peace and quiet. Only problem is, they might not all fit on one island.

And here's a fascinating (and true) point made by some pundits out there: The Newtown shootings could not have been prevented with background checks on guns. The shooter obtained his weapons from his mom. So now should we not allow people who KNOW mentally ill people to have guns?

Of course, there are countless other mass killings throughout the history of the US that could have been prevented with more gun laws... so now everyone's arguments are being turned around and twisted like pretzels. And back to the point I was making earlier-- I don't want to have to waste time at school while teachers give PowerPoint presentations on suicide and homicide in an effort to identify 'at risk' students. It's a colossal waste of my time.

The unfortunate reality of the matter is that there may be no good way to prevent things like this from happening. Like I said, crazy people will find ways to kill other people no matter what. Now all we're doing is trying to lower the body count. Yeah, depressing, I know.

If you want a pick-me-up, rent John Dies at the End. I won't spoil it for you, but it's pretty awesome. Today's Doodlebook quote: #9: Cheaters never prosper, unless they're subtle about it, in which case they can live quite comfortably.

Bye!

WHYYYYoming

So, I had to watch an hour long video in PE today about suicide. Yeah, that's 'Physical Education'. Actually, the video was probably only 30 minutes, but every five minutes the people running the damn thing stopped it to ask us "Okay, what are some early warning signs of suicide?" Even though we just f**king saw it in the video... what a waste of my time...

There seems to be a national phobia that all of our nation's teenagers are suicidal YOLO-ing emo attention hogs. But I can assure you that's not the case (although sometimes you wouldn't know it from looking at my school). I don't know how they'd do it, but they should find a way to take care of so-called 'at risk' people without putting me through an hour of crap. In the immortal words of Will Smith, "I COULDA BEEN AT A BARBECUE!!!"

Today's school truth: #2: When the choice comes between homework and movies, pick movies.

Speaking of suicide and other depressing topics, a national study says that 2 out of 3 gun deaths in America are suicides, and Wyoming is apparently the number one most suicidal state in the union. Which makes sense. Dick Cheney's probably been accidentally shooting people up and then making it look like it was suicide. And so now the new slang for committing suicide is 'Going to Wyoming'.

GOD, DAMN!!! This is a REALLY depressing blog post! I'll make the picture a little happier.



OH MY GOD KITTENS. Soooo cuuuute....

Now: BACK TO DEPRESSING NEWS STORIES! The senate looks like it won't be ratifying Obama's assault weapons ban, which was to be expected. Mainly because most of the senators have taken large campaign contributions from the NRA, and care more about winning the next election than the good of the American people. So yes, it was to be expected.

And to put you even further down in the dumps, seven Marines were killed today during a training exercise in Nevada. That's what they always call it, though... I say that Iron Man was probably involved. But... s**t... I've done four-- COUNT 'EM! FOUR!!!-- stories now about guns, deaths, and Wyoming. Really depressing, I know. So just look back at that kitten picture.

Sorry, people. Maybe tomorrow the news will be more uplifting.

Bye!

Serenity Now

IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING AMAZING, KEEP READING. Are you still here? Good. I thought you looked smart. So, here it is--- get ready--- tension building--- adrenaline flowing--- PREPARE YOUR MIND TO BE BLOWN---

A new deep space program involves sending 'Firefly-class' spacecraft to mine nearby asteroids. Yeah, FIREFLY-class. Ringing any bells, Joss Whedon fans? Firefly, of course, is the short-lived but much loved TV series that was cancelled after only 14 episodes. And it's named for the Firefly-class starships, one of which (the Serenity) is the show's Millennium Falcon. Also, watch Firefly and the movie adaptation, Serenity. They're awesome.

But now is not the time to tell you about the great filmography of Joss Whedon (who also directed The Avengers, just sayin'). Because today, another school shooting in Georgia left one person dead. My gun death tally counter is at 1,479 so far, counting this one today. And it'll just keep rising.

If you look back, you'll see that my past... eight blog posts have all included the phrase "There was another shooting today." It's become the Osama Bin Laden of news--- the big story that everyone gets sick of in a few minutes but you can't read or watch any news without hearing about it. For instance, I haven't mentioned anything recently about Chuck Hagel's confirmation hearings, or North Korea's most recent direct threat to the United States, or the wildfires that have been raging across Australia for the past month.

 
Australia: The only continent where bird watching is a full-contact sport.

But in all cerealness, there's been a major shooting every day this year so far. Check that link from yesterday, not a SINGLE day has gone by. And the senate probably won't pass any new gun laws for six months, so... expect more of the same.

Let's end on a high note: JJ Abrams has been officially selected as the director of Star Wars: Episode VII: Sith Happens. I'm speculating on the title, but you get the point. We could also call it The Han-Over, or Gungan Style, or The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Sand-People. I'm getting off-message. Abrams, as you probably recall, is the director of the new Star Trek movie and its sequel, coming out this year. So yes, he's a busy guy. My prediction for Episode VII is that all the main characters will crash on a remote island on a remote planet, and have to fight for their lives to escape the evil demon smog-monster alien thing...

But again, I'm just speculating. Bye!

Son of a Gun

My class has been working on something called The Mars Project recently, which is basically a plan to put a permanent settlement on Mars. So yes, my school is badass. We were designing the oxygen garden/greenhouses today, and I had the biggest and greatest idea in the history of big and great ideas. Vertco Respiration Hardware. Yeah, it's a thing. Just connect a Vertco mobile greenhouse to your Mars colony and BAM! Oxygen, water, and potatoes. Graham Vert

In other, non me-related news, there were two more shootings recently. In Alabama, a man shot a bus driver and took a 6-year-old hostage, and in Arizona, a shooting left one person dead. So now we're just gonna move through the alphabet. Up next: Alaska and Arkansas. What's amazing is that this happened WHILE CONGRESS WAS HEARING GUN CONTROL ARGUMENTS!!! Talk about ironic... ha ha ha...

I've been keeping score for a week or so, and we're up to 1,440 people killed in shootings since Newtown. Go to THIS website for an ongoing tally. So, how much longer is it gonna take? Well, a month ago, I said it wouldn't take long. And that's why you don't look to bloggers to predict the future. Fortunately, President Obama has introduced a total of 23 gun control-related bills to congress, so that guns like this one don't get sold in Wal-Mart.


The Vertco ARBX-35 dual magazine rapid-fire sniper rifle with reticulating grenade launchers, laser-guided cop-killer bullets, pullback pump-action masterkey shotgun, bullet silencer, automatic crosswind calibrator, holographic ACOG heartbeat sensor scopes, and spoon-onet attachment. Comes with one free coupon for head examination at your local clinic.

Anyway, there's no point in owning a gun like that. As cool as it is. I mean, just LOOK at it! It's so awesome and--- NO! FIGHT IT! FIIIIIGHT IIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!

It's like owning a Hummer or a t-shirt that says 'I feel inadequate about my manhood'. And the real problem is the gun salesmen. They are only required to check their stock once every 18 months, they delete all background checks after they are performed, and the one at Big Five Sporting Goods called me an asshole when I told him that guns are responsible for 30,000 American deaths a year. So yes, I'm pretty pissed off.

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental

So, here's something awesome--- apparently there's a website where you can create petitions on the internet. If you get the required number of signatures by a certain date, the White House HAS to respond. Like, legally. So, I created THIS petition to lower the legal voting age to 16. You see, the next presidential election in 2016 takes place about four days before my 18th birthday, on November 8th. So as you can see, I'm a little perturbed.

But by far, the most popular petition subject on that website is anti-gun laws. Because there were two more shootings today: A teenager killed his family in New Mexico and a shooting at a college in Texas left four people in the hospital. So this has literally become a daily thing. I come home from school, and I get to ask "So, who got shot today?" Because THERE'S NOT WIFI AT SCHOOL... but that's not the subject. Wait, maybe I should petition for mandatory WiFi at all American schools! Yeahhhh...

Anyway, that's not the only gun-related event, because Barack Obama was re-inagurated yesterday for his 2nd term, and he gave a really impassioned speech about... totally not gun control. Since, although he never said the words, you could tell that the implications were there. So now Republicans are going friggin' OUT OF THEIR MINDS over his 'inability to compromise' and 'partisan agenda' and 'actual intelligence.'



Anyway, as I've said many a time in the past few weeks, this is going to be a pretty intense debate. And it's not like climate change or abortions--- This time, EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN has an opinion. And according to polls, 79% of them favor stricter gun laws. That's a pretty big margin, given that statistically, some of those people have to be gun owners.

On a lighter note, we've finally delved into the dark recesses of an evil organization that robs people of their money and gives them unsatisfactory products in return. An organization that has influence worldwide, that has distributaries all across America. I'm talking, of course, about... SUBWAY. In a recent Facebook post, someone pointed out that Subway's "$5 Footlong" is a mere 10 and a half inches, with the caption "Subway pls respond." Now, normally I'd find this kind of distraction from real national issues a pain in the ass, but THIS NEEDED TO HAPPEN. Too many people have fallen victim to this BS. There needs to be some kind of restriction. Or waiting period. And we should carefully monitor the distribution of these... sandwiches.

Oh God, are we actually caring more about sandwich laws than gun laws...?

Bye!

NRA: Neurotic Republican Association

It's the 20th of January, which means that Barack Obama has been sworn in to his second term. He'll have the public ceremony tomorrow, making him the only president (besides FDR) to be sworn in four times. As you recall, John Roberts flubbed the original ceremony back in 2008, so it had to be redone. Also, tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day, so everyone thank MLK for what he has given you: Racial equality and a day off from work.

However, s**t's going down right now that requires my immediate attention. The NRA has gone postal, and they're firing with both barrels now. They've declared that any effort to restrict gun access will be shot down. But in my opinion, they don't really have a shot. Even though their trigger fingers are getting itchy, the Democrats will be shooting back at them with the public on their side, and I'll be supplying every single gun pun that pops into my head.

Anyway, the left is blowing up over an ad that NRA put out that asks why Obama's kids are allowed to have armed guards around them at all times, when he won't push for armed guards in schools. But this was really just a shot in the dark--- the ad's slogan was "Are the President's children more important than yours?" But, yeah... they are. If some guy in Alabama gets his kids kidnapped, then the only thing the kidnapper can do is hold them for ransom. But if the PRESIDENT gets his kids taken, the kidnappers can tell him to do whatever they want. Release terrorists, attack Canada, put microchips in everyone's heads--- anything.

Oh, and if Liam Neeson's kids get taken... you know what happens.


Anyway, this debate is only going to get more and more heated. And I CALL SHOTGUN! This may turn out to be the deciding issue for Obama's second term. So I don't want to miss it. Therefore, I rifled through news articles this week, and came across something of interest: A 15-year-old shot up a pastor in Albuquerque, people accidentally shot themselves and each other at various national gun shows, and people have been shot recently in Springfield, Long Beach, and countless other places across the country. So, gun people? Any thoughts? I can't imagine what the blowback from this is gonna be like.

Bye!

Fun on a Gun

So, the world didn't end. Of course, I knew it wasn't going to AAAALLLL along... but that's all in the past. I did, however, have my parents open their presents yesterday, just in case. I bought my mom a copy of O Brother, Where Art Thou and my dad a DVD set of Led Zeppelin's live performances. So now he's blaring the damn thing on the TV 24/7.

Therefore, I had to get away from it all to blog. I had a fun doomsday; I single-handedly took over the world in Risk, I put my new MAD Magazine posters and Corvette banner up in my room, and I watched The Wrath of Khan... again. When Spock dies, it's a helluva thing. The saddest moment in film history. F**k you, Old Yeller.

But there are more pressing matters to attend to, specifically: THE NRA!!!


Yes, that is the official graphic I will be using whenever I mention the NRA from now on. Because they just suggested that, to solve problems like school shootings, there should be armed police officers in every school. Yeah, that's right--- EVERY F**KING SCHOOL.

I could go into great detail about how this would create a 'hostile learning environment' for those of us not blessed with a high school graduation yet. But in reality, we'd probably end up just annoying the damn police officers to the point that THEY start shooting things up. I mean, they'd have to sit through DAY after DAY of listening to people yell 'SWAG' and 'YOLO'. They'd snap like a toothpick.

I can just barely tolerate it because I'm 15. But adults? Oh, no. I don't want them armed and dangerous while being pissed off by teenagers. It's DEFINITELY not safe.

Bye!