Say Hello to Mosquito Heaven!

I'm back, and I don't wanna talk about it.

Ooooohkaaay, fine, I will.

We were bitten up by mosquitoes, starved, lost in the woods, frozen to death, suffocated by altitude, and we came home early.

Oopsies.

Here're some pics:

It may LOOK pretty, but it's EVIL.

We left two days early, so we went on different hikes in Marin instead. And here's a story that will give you a coronary.

We were hiking up Collier Springs Trail when we bumped into two dopey-looking guys who were kind of out of it. They thought they were on Inspiration Point, which was in the complete other direction. After trying to get through their heads that they had no clue what they were doing, we sent them off on the CORRECT trail. They ended up on the wrong one, and we had to redirect them again.

Here's the creepy part: They had passed a signpost that TOLD them where they were. They just didn't seem to think it was worth the trouble to actually look at it.

Geez. Tweedledee and Tweedledumb live.

Bye!

Vertco: Apparently a Meat-Packing Company

I just did the funniest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

As I said before, we're about to go up to Lassen, so I had to call ahead to the Safeway up there to see if they had any dry ice for our cooler (we're bringing hot dogs-- YEAH!). Here's the dialogue of the phone call.

Automated message: Hello. Thank you for calling your Safeway friends in Red Bluff, California. If you need to speak to our deli department, press one. For our floral section, press two. For our meats section, press three. For our fireplace and camping section, press four.

Me: (presses four)

Actual person: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: (in bad french accent) Hello, my name is Claude Deuxvisage. I have a large shipment of meat to bring up into Red Bluff for my company, Vertco. I was wondering if you had any dry ice for me to use as preservatives.

Actual person: Are you french?

Me: (still in bad french accent) Oui, madame.

Actual person: Well, hold on a second, I'll see what I can do for you.

(waiting music)

Another person: Hello, Mr. Deuxvisage?

Me: Oui.

Person: Yes, we do have dry ice here. Is there anything else?

Me: Oui. Do you have any large butcher's knives or surplus body bags?

Person: What?

Me: Goodbye.

That was incredibly fun. By the way, 'deuxvisage' is french for two-face.

Oh, and I saw T2 last night, it was AWESOME!!! That liquid metal guy is incredible. I need to ask the guys at Vertco to see if they can't build one of those.

Bye!

CLAUDE DEUXVISAGE

Lassening Again

Yello, everyone! And here's where I'm gonna be tomorrow!

I'm going back to Lassen National Park tomorrow! I won't be able to blog for three or four days, so I hope you can survive without your semi-daily dose of G-Force (and judging by the amount of followers I have, you can). We'll be leaving tomorrow morning, so in the meantime you can get on with your lives instead of sitting here and reading the excruciating minutia of every daily event. Like earlier today, the cat got out, and then my dad left the gate open, and he ran out into the driveway, and---

Okay, forget it.

And now, for another installment of... MASTER PLAN.

This is my master plan for getting rich quick. Don't you DARE use it, it's my idea. Here's the whole story.

A bank near my house called Tamalpias Bank (named after Mt. Tamalpias, or just Mt. Tam) gives out little slips called Tambucks whenever you make a deposit. You can redeem these Tambucks for prizes, like 25 dollar gift cards. Ka-Ching!!!

So, my plan is to just withdraw and deposit 20 bucks over and over and over again until you have 100 Tambucks, and there you go! You can redeem them for 25 real bucks! Ta-Daaah!

As I said, don't rip me off.

Bye!

I Got Nothin'...

My summer so far has been extremely uneventful.

Sure, I started a company, preformed a military coup on my hometown of San Anselmo, declared myself the Oil Czar of Marin County, got stung by a bee, helped an old woman across the street, built an adirondack chair, got a freaky haircut, and was involved in an international incident with China (which ended with a party that got me banned from flying commercial airlines, don't ask). But compared to what my summers are usually like, that's nothing. Usually there's more insanity, like the time I nearly blew up a meat-packing plant (2007) or the time I posed as an FBI agent in order to steal a car and escape some Russian spies (2009) or the time I single-handedly decided who would lead the free world in 2008 after only three minutes in the White House situation room.

Aaah, those were the days.

This year, I'm going back to Lassen National Park (see my previous blogs, 'Day one',

'Day two', 'Day three', and 'Lassening'.) It'll be interesting, as long as my chief spy shows up to tell me where the bunker is. If I said any more, I'd have to kill you.

Of course, the Yugoslavian meat packers may or may not return for revenge. If they do, I'll be ready. I've secretly stolen a rail gun...

I can say no more.

Today's PEARL OF ANTI-WISDOM: Never say never, unless you're talking about Sarah Palin's presidency.

Bye!

Day Three...

We woke up the next morning and left the ^&*&^* town. But first, we got some photos of our hotel. It was actually an OK hotel. We returned to another roadway nightmare, ending up taking a pit stop at a Starbucks. The whole trip was, in all, weird. To debate its merits, I am joined by my dad. Dad?

The trip was, well, a car trip with a hike in the middle. But what a hike! A three hour hike at 8000 feet with a volcanic mountain above you, snow underfoot, steaming sulfuric pots, and a donut in the pack. Along with some water of course. My only disappointment was that the mud pots weren't very active, but that's okay. I was also surprised that some people were attempting to make this hike in sandals and shorts -- while others had hiking gear, trekking poles, food and water. Guess which ones made it to Hell. All-in-all, a great trip!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaah, dad. I now call that... Nightmare... at 8,000 Feet!!!!!! (a rip-off of The Twilight Zone's 'Nightmare at 20,000 feet'). We got home, and I blogged this blog. That's it!

Day Two...

On day two, we drove for an hour to Mt. Lassen. We were headed to a trail called Bumpass Hell (pronounced 'Bump-ASS Hell). We took only a few donuts to the trail. It was coated in slippery snow and rocks. We saw a frozen-over lake and I broke my walking stick in half, but we made it to the volcanic sulfur pits of Mt Lassen (which, by the way, is a volcano). I know you'll say 'oh, come on, you didn't really do that', so here is photographic proof. That face I'm making is in response to the acidic rotten-egg smell of the sulfur. The snow I threw in melted instantly and began to steam. Steam and explosions rocked the surface. The ground was so hot that we were told to stay only on the wooden walkway. The top photo is a pic of it.

Our return hike was harder because it was uphill. I slid down most of the way, but up proved harder. I was slipping and sliding and screaming all over the place. We drove through the park and back to the hotel. After the incident with the previous restaurant, we ate the fine mini-pizza cuisine, watched Star Trek: The Next Generation, and fell asleep.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Day One...

I have returned from my... fascinating trip. Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is my three-day vacation... Day One.

On the first day, I ended up in the car at 8:24 for around three freakin' hours with my dad's 'Beatles' CD blasting 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer'. Listening to that ^$^&%$&)(-ing song for that long was enough to drive me batty. We got to the hotel and checked in. It was pretty nice; we got fresh-baked cookies from 7:00 to 4:00 and a pool and cable and free breakfast and a mini bar and... etc.

We got up to our room on the second floor and after some trouble with the key, we got in, collapsed, watched cable TV for a half an hour, and then went to the Lake Shasta Dam. I will pause my heartbreaking tale of woe to show you some select pictures from this d*mn dam.

After returning from our dam adventure, we got the concierge' to tell us the names of some good places to eat. The first place, a Mexican joint, smelled terrible. The second place was a Denny's, which we didn't even go into. The last one was purely bad, but we ate there anyway, seeing it was better than 'Hal's Eat-'Em-Up'.

We returned to our room and watched 'Ocean's Eleven' on TV along with some 'Seinfeld' and 'Friends' re-runs. We fell asleep, knowing full well that the next day was going to be better than the first.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Lassening...

Hey, guys. I just went over to a great party at one of my follower's houses last night. I ate hot dogs, had a water gun fight, and watched 'Ninja Warrior' on TV.

I won't be able to blog for the next couple of days 'cause me and my dad are going to Mt. Lassen, CA. If I am able to blog, it'll be by way of me eMailing a written blog to mom so she can post it at home. Bush really sucks.

The answer to the brain tickler will be revealed the day I return! And with that, I say today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is...... Lassen. I'll get some pics of our trip up when I get back.