Revolutionaries II: Calling in the Mexperts

Okay, everyone-- STORY UPDATE TIME!!! I've made it through Mexico, and am now on my way to Louisiana to see the old-timey Frenchies. You may be wondering how I have traipsed across almost 2,000 miles in 24 hours in an old Chevy Camaro, with no roads or maps. Well, in reality, it's been three months. I'm sending these posts through the space-time continuum for my future self to publish. So if you're reading this, I got out safe!

Today's School Truth: #4: Do anything and everything to avoid class. And for those of you wondering, yes, I did bring The Doodlebook back in time with me. Awesome sauce.

I did run out of gas, but was able to steal a barrel of whale oil from some Spaniards. Won't matter; they're going to get kicked out anyway. And on the way, I was able to pick up a few Mexican hitchhikers. They're sitting in and clinging onto my car right now.



I used my exceedingly minimal knowledge of the Spanish language to tell them that California would eventually come under Mexican rule, but they thought I was being ridiculous. Or maybe I accidentally said something like "Where is my father's cheese?" or something. Here, I'll let one of them type something:

Tenemos la intencion de matar a usted.

No idea what that meant. Oh, and if someone in the future could do a few things for me, that would be great-- Feed my cat, pick up my mail, water my indoor plants, check my messages and return all my calls, tend to my farm on Farmville, flush my toilets so the gaskets don't rust, and make sure nobody puts a 'For Sale' sign in front of the house.

Adios!

Hole in the Ceiling

There's been some uproar in California, my home state, over a fugitive at large in SOCAL. For those of you from the other 98% of the country, SOCAL means Southern California. Try to keep up on the witty, awesome, Golden State acronyms. Anyway, the LAPD have put out a $1,000,000 bounty for Chris Dorner, a suspected cop-killer, who is at large somewhere in the area. My question: Is this actually a real thing, or just the return of the TV show 24, but on a much larger scale?

The bounty was just issued tonight, which makes things much more interesting. Maybe Dog the Bounty Hunter will try to nab this guy. Or maybe a young, aspiring bounty hunter from Marin County will...
oosgangwawa
In other news, the Grammies are tonight (no, not MY award ceremony, the Grahammies). And I wish I could say I was shocked by the results... The Black Keys have been raking in the accolades all night, from best rock album (El Camino) to best rock song (Lonely Boy). As you may remember, The Black Keys are my second-favorite band (after The Beatles), and have given us such amazing songs as Gold on the Ceiling and Howlin' for You.

 
Anyway, if you want their best songs, just buy Rubber Factory and Brothers on CD and download Gold on the Ceiling individually... El Camino isn't their strongest album. Graham Vert

What amuses me about this is that every time I go to the Fairfax movie theater, I look up to see that one of the ceiling tiles has come loose. And so me and my friends start singing...

HOLE IN THE CEILING

Up on the roof

It hangs again...

Fall on the floor

My mind can't take much more...

I... just hope it doesn't hit meeee...

NANANANANANANANA

NANANANANANA

They wanna fix my

NANANANANANANANA

NANANANANANA

They wanna fix my

HOLE IN THE CEILING

NANANANA

I ain't lyin',

Just a matter of time,

'Fore you seal it...

NANANANANA

It's all right,

Ain't no tile of mine....

Can't see the clouds

But I can see...

Mold, asbestos

About to fall on me...

I... just hope it doesn't hit meeee...

NANANANANANANANANA

NANANANANANA

They wanna fix my

NANANANANANANANA

NANANANANANA

They wanna fix my

HOLE IN THE CEILING

NANANANA

NANANANANANANANANANANANANANANAAAAAA.....

Yeah, okay... you don't need to tell me it's not very good. But hey, it's better than actually watching the previews, right?

Bye!

Electile Dysfunction

I am running for governor of California.

Just thought I'd put that out there. Actually, I'm running for governor under my screen name on Funny Times.com, Elephant Man.

Also, you will notice that I have developed the greatest form of playground voodoo ever: The Shading Technique. It allows you to get a different camera angle, or a zoom in, with a change in lighting to boot. It's an almost Doonesburyesque feature that I just invented. Visit my 'all by this author' page at Funny Times to see other cartoons with this feature. If you can't read the text, bring the cartoon to a pages document and make it larger.

Here is the most evil thing that anyone has ever done.

Without consulting me, my friends deleted all my progress on my friend's Xbox.

Fortunately, that same friend is going to take his free time leveling me up. I'm hoping to get to level 40 by friday.

And another Xbox-related tidbit: We had a new person over to my friend's house who said he would 'Pwn my ass' at CODMW2 (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2). He was highly mistaken. In a one-on-one, I came in at least 10 kills ahead of him. I was doing some serious butt kicking.

So, if you're that person (and you know who you are), I just want to say:

EAT IT, KID!!!

Bye!!!

Vertco: Apparently a Meat-Packing Company

I just did the funniest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

As I said before, we're about to go up to Lassen, so I had to call ahead to the Safeway up there to see if they had any dry ice for our cooler (we're bringing hot dogs-- YEAH!). Here's the dialogue of the phone call.

Automated message: Hello. Thank you for calling your Safeway friends in Red Bluff, California. If you need to speak to our deli department, press one. For our floral section, press two. For our meats section, press three. For our fireplace and camping section, press four.

Me: (presses four)

Actual person: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: (in bad french accent) Hello, my name is Claude Deuxvisage. I have a large shipment of meat to bring up into Red Bluff for my company, Vertco. I was wondering if you had any dry ice for me to use as preservatives.

Actual person: Are you french?

Me: (still in bad french accent) Oui, madame.

Actual person: Well, hold on a second, I'll see what I can do for you.

(waiting music)

Another person: Hello, Mr. Deuxvisage?

Me: Oui.

Person: Yes, we do have dry ice here. Is there anything else?

Me: Oui. Do you have any large butcher's knives or surplus body bags?

Person: What?

Me: Goodbye.

That was incredibly fun. By the way, 'deuxvisage' is french for two-face.

Oh, and I saw T2 last night, it was AWESOME!!! That liquid metal guy is incredible. I need to ask the guys at Vertco to see if they can't build one of those.

Bye!

CLAUDE DEUXVISAGE

Staycation

Yello, and Snookachalla. I haven't blogged for way too long, and it looks like February is going to be one of those months where I only do, like, three or four blogs. So, here's the list of reasons why I didn't blog:

Friday: The last day of school for a week. I was so excited, I couldn't blog.

Saturday: My friend came over and we had a massive sleepover/hike.

Sunday: He stayed until 4:30 and watched a 'Jurassic Park' marathon: Numbers One, Two, and Three.

Monday: We went up to my Aunt's house in Lake County.

Tuesday: We came back and I was exhausted from feeding goats, petting cats, and freaking out chickens (accidentally!)

Other amazing things: I bought a copy of Stephan Colbert's book, I AM AMERICA (And So Can You!), I crowned myself master of Winter Break with a hat given to me by my aforementioned Aunt, and my cat went bezerk. Plus, in about 40 minutes, I'm going to go get my passport. I've never had one before because I'VE NEVER BEEN OUT OF EITHER CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA, OR NEVADA!!! AND I'M GOING INSANE!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway, this means today's blog needs to be short.

Everyone, I have a new feature. You see, nearly every state has a famous city. Like San Fransisco for the Golden Gate Bridge, Las Vegas for the casinos, New York City for its city-ness, and Providence, Rhode Island because it's the only city that could fit in Rhode Island. Which is why I'm introducing BETTER KNOW SAN ANSELMO (the town that I live in). Every time I use this, I'll include a picture of a well-known place here in crazy land. I mean, San Anselmo. Here's today's.

This is downtown crazy land (San Anselmo). Behind those buildings on the right is a street that breaks off from The Hub. The Hub is where Drake Boulevard meets with about nine million other streets, and if you want to go anywhere east of San Anselmo, you have to drive through The Hub. The street shown here in downtown crazy land eventually curves over the San Anselmo creek (the one that flooded), goes past some run-down little grocery store called Albertson's, and crosses Drake at The Hub. Down the main street in downtown crazy land, there's a bookstore, a coffee place, a bakery where George Lucas likes to hang out (no joke), and another bakery called 'Royal Sweet'. They have godly donuts.

Well, that's about it. Join me next time when we talk about... THE LUCAS MANSION!!! Cue 'Darth Vader' music.

Bye!

The Miracle Mile

You do your crumpin' in the morning! Hello, crazy insane people! As you recall, I am trying to begin each blog a different way, so this was today's. Of course, I essentially begin all of them the same way, in the sense that: 1: I do something random, and 2: I then explain it this very way. Oh, snap.

I have a new blog feature: I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!!! This week's is: The Miracle Mile. The Miracle Mile is a mile where every block ends with a red light. Over on the east coast, The Miracle Mile is a rumor. But over here on the west coast, we know better.

The Miracle Mile exists. Don't think for a second it doesn't. In fact, it's not even so much of a miracle. If it is, it's the only miracle I've had in my life so far, because I'm only 12, and I've beaten that insane mile 6 times over. Two of those times were consecutive. So... miracle? I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!!! The answer is no. The Miracle Mile is no amazing thing. It's still hecka hard to navigate through, but I've done it too many times for it to be considered a miracle.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: There are three kinds of people in the world: people who are good at math, and people who aren't.

I have begun a VERY epic undertaking on Funny Times.com. For those of you who have short-term memories, Funny Times is a newspaper completely devoted to things that relate to hilarity. On their site, you can create your own cartoon, which I have done about 185 times over under the pen name of Elephant Man (no, I'm not a Republican. It's secretly ironic).

Anyway, in my new series, Elephant Man joins the army by accident. Check it out by clicking HERE.

Bye!

The Man Made of Awesome (aka ME)

Eeekoo chabba wa ki ki, eeku chabba pay co

Eevo lamma wa sti sti, meeku maaku mayko

Oh-KAY! That was random! As you recall, I'm trying to begin each and every one of my blogs a different way, so this was today's.

Here are some updates on previous stories:

My poem, 'I am Winter', got published in the California Poets in the Schools 2009 anthology, 'What the World Hears' (on bookshelves now for $14.99---- CHEAP!!!!! Sorry, that was a plug. I'm getting paid for it).

I am beginning a club: The IRULE Club. Open only to people who are made of awesome, like my godly self. Also, you must be very humble about it.

This is me. And IRULE!!!

Today's TOPICS OF INTEREST are the dorks who snuck into the White House, somehow breaking through all the security we set up around it. These two f***holes somehow evaded detection while they party crashed Obama's Indian dinner. Can we see a picture of the top CIA agents they were somehow able to avoid?

Um... yeah. That explains that. Of course, those of you born without a sense of humor may not know about Mad Magazine, a thing of huge awsomeness. Click HERE to access Mad's official site.

Bye!!!

Karl Wallinger and Kanye West: K.W.

aç å∂´ƒ©˙ˆ∆˚¬µ˜øπœ®ß†¨√∑≈¥Ω Wow! Those are some pretty cool thingamajigs! All you have to do is hold down alt-option and---- TA-DAHHH!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: When there's a will, there's a way---- unless you want to wake the dead. Chez. Chez peanuts.

I live very close to San Fransisco. I live in Marin County, only a fifteen minute to half hour long drive away. And that means that we just couldn't stay away from a certain big festival in S.F.. I wonder what that could be...

Yes, Bluegrass came to San Fransisco again, and with it, the numerous hippies, whackos,

and random people who are running from authorities.

We went to see World Party at their big outdoor concert, but the internet is abuzz, NOT

because World Party was there, but because of Karl Wallinger's closing comment:

'This is one of the maddest f***ing gigs ever; we must be mad. Mad!'

All the little babies I saw in the audience got to hear their first F-bomb that night.

Everyone, I am a HUGE fan of game shows: Nothing's more fun than watching idiots who are not me humiliate themselves. Which is why I am rejoicing in the fact that Tom Delay, former Republican majority dork, is on Dancing With the Stars.

YES!!! A Republican idiot! I'm in heaven.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is... Kanye West. In the words of Obama's not-so-off-the-record comment, 'He's a jackass'. Yes, I used the word 'jackass' on my blog :o wow. I think if Obama does it, it can't be that bad.

Ohkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, maybe not. Fine. I will never use the word 'jackass' on this again.

Bye!

The Valley Blog

Hi, like, y'know? I, like, got dared by one of my friends to, like, do all of today's blog in, like, valley girl talk, y'know? But, for all our sanity, I think it would be best if I chickened out on this one. I owe you five bucks, James.

I need to clear up some controversy. A few days ago, my mom decided to become a follower. This blog site remembered this computer as my own, so that's why my second follower has the same identification picture as mine.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is Youtube, and specifically, a video called 'Charlie the Unicorn'. A few months back, my friends told me about 'this cool video that you've GOT to check out'. I did. That was the biggest mistake of my life.

Charlie the Unicorn SUCKS. I mean this big time. Those squeaky voices cut into my soul like a butcher's knife into warm swiss cheese. Watch it at your own risk. God help you if you decide to watch it just because of this warning. This is the most serious I ever have gotten on this blog.

I hope to heck you decide to avoid it like a flea-infested Ewok. Please. Do not watch this evil, evil video. Consider yourself officially warned.

Adventures with iPods

Heeeeeeeeey, everyone!!! I'm back! I couldn't wait two days to publish another blog, but this'll do fine. Big news: I've got my first follower!!! I'm hoping they'll send off the link to their friends and family. Also, I must thank my dad's cousin for introducing me to this site.

Now, down to business. We recently got an iPod Touch, courtesy of my dad. Unfortunately, you have to go through all these REALLY TIME AND MONEY CONSUMING PAIN-IN-THE-NECK STEPS just to set the #@$^%^^*&(%*#@-ing thing up. Also, if you want to get internet access (which most people do unless they live in Pennsylvania Dutch Country), you have to buy a Wi-Fi outlet, the only thing that can make the $##$%^-ing thing work.

And now this is known to all intelligent people who decided to follow this blog. Join me next time when I reveal the coolest comic strip EVER!!!!! (and the worst). I shall finish this one off with a photo from (yes, another) one of our hikes. However, in this is an actual pic of Marin!!! Hope you enjoy.