Leekar: America's Last Hope (we're screwed)

So, I'm writing this post from my friend Ben's house, where we're having another epic sleepover/birthday party thingamajig. And something REALLY freaky just happened, which I must tell you about.

I was playing on my friend Luis's TV (which he brought over), and we were linked to the other room playing against my friend Cody and Ben. All of a sudden, I looked up, and we were 20 kills ahead. They thought we were cheating (I suck, so it's understandable), because when we tested it on my friend Ben's flat-panel, I ended up doing my usual pathetic excuse for a COD game. As soon as I went back to Luis's TV, it was back to my weird pwning insanity.

My best guess is that because Luis's TV is crappy, it turns the screen red. Now, we think it may have either made us high, or driven us insane. Either way, it was pretty effective.

But off of that topic, and on to my EPIC RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 2012!!!

So, I just polled my friends, and they all say that they would vote for me (if I was 43 and not 13 and they could vote). I promise as part of my campaign to rid the world of terrorism, violence, hate, war, death, destruction, Cody's farts (actually, if I weaponized them in a nuclear bomb, they might be the equivalent of a bioweapon), insane foreign dictators, South American drug cartels, slavery, frostbite, Hummers, the people who made 'Shrek IV', explosions, IED's, nukes, semi-deadly cutlery, handguns, natural disasters assault rifles, submachine guns, and everything toxic at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, I think I could have said that all in less than a super-paragraph. But still, vote me in 2012! I mean, who's the competition? And when I say competition, I mean competition within my party, The American Birthday Party. I created this party when I ran in 2008 and Obama beat me for the Democratic nomination. This way, I can still run for the whole way, unless a new challenger emerges...

DAMMIT, P-NUT! I swear to CHRIST! You ruin everything! Whether it be presidential runs or the upholstery on a naugahyde recliner, you always have a way of f-ing things up!

Well, you know what this means? If I don't make a huge revision to my campaign, I'll be screwed and I'll never win the nomination. So, who should I make as my VP...?

Yeah, that's right. LEEKAR. And as we all know, Leekar has a long and rich history of winning everything. His complete resume is as follows:

1) Class mascot for practically all my classes

2) Most-drawen GALAXY character

3) Co-dictator of Turdistan

4) All in all, complete ass-kicker to the stars. In conclusion, if anyone can win me this campaign, Leekar can.

Bye!

SPIDER-CLAM!!!

'Sup, semi-loyal followers! You may have heard about the Spider-Man show in New York, which I, of course, think is a fantastic concept. I'd go to more plays if I thought someone might get mortally wounded or maimed just by going through the scenes. But obviously, the guy playing Spider-Man needs something to break his fall. Which is why I'm introducing the newest superhero...

As you may have guessed, that entire paragraph was just so that I could do that bad pun.

Here's something you might like: the sign I recently hung on my door.

Okay, this blog needs to be short, 'cause I have to go eat dinner. Bye!

GALAXY

This is the GALAXY team. From left to right, Zale, Eeto Beela, Short Round, Flora Rakata, Joe Republic, 5-Shot, Leekar Nikkolonian, Dr. Legs, Daemos Lee, and Relmi Nyme.

Wow, the computer didn't recognize the spelling on half of those. Can't blame it, either. Click on the photo to enlarge it if you want.

Bye!

Keith Olbermaniac

'Sup, people. As you may have guessed from the title of this blog, this is about Keith Olbermann, who, as I've said before, merits no more credibility in my book than Glenn Beck. Egotistical, self-centered left-wing oatmeal-brains are no better than egotistical, self-centered right-wing oatmeal-brains.

Olbermann left MSNBC the other day, leaving a space open for a left-wing pundit with gray hair, a thesaurus in his brain, and a different pair of glasses for each day of the year. How will we survive without a 'special comment' on occasion or 'The Worst Person in the World'? By the way, The Worst Person in the World® is Jonathan Orville of Pekos, Tennessee. He knows what he did.

Changing the subject, we have some really colorful people at my school. Our band teacher recently told us a story of how he made friends with a crazy guy with a machete while he was working as a night watchman at a college campus. He also was apparently involved in a shoot-out involving a bounty hunter and a bulletproof vest. That happened to me once, too!

Here's another pic of resident idiot Leekar Nikkolonian:

Okay, granted, it's on my hand. If you look closely, you'll see an atom bomb and the images of some other characters of mine! Joe Republic is located in between my middle and forefingers, his brother 5-Shot is right next to the word 'Leekar', Dr. Legs is at the very top, and Flora is half-obscured, but just under 5-Shot and Leekar.

I'll try to upload full-color pics of all my characters soon. Sayonara, capybara!

Pick Me, Pick Me!

I'm back! And I'm also beginning a new feature: THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, A FEW YEARS AHEAD OF ITS TIME!!!

Today, my viability as a candidate. Now, we all know the different requirements for president: a strong understanding of issues, charisma, patriotism, relatability...

Okay, let's cut the crap. It boils down to three things:

1) Money. Lots of it. If you don't have this, you're so screwed it's not even funny.

2) Beer. Who wants to have a beer with you. This is very, very important. If you don't occasionally volunteer to be the designated driver, America will punch you in the nose and leave the bar before the cops come.

3) Amount of stars/stripes in your logo. This is the biggest and most important of all. So after careful consideration, I've chosen this as my "ME 2012" logo:

This picture relates to both Republicans, Democrats, and, of course, Hippies. Some might contest whether or not this logo will reach out to the average American voter, but it's better than the other choice:

I don't even know what store this is for. Probably Macy's.

Now, let's check my candidacy's viability at my incredibly awesome SITUATION NOOK!!!

Now, unknown newscasters, let's see what you've got. Hmm? Oh. Yes, yes, I see.

WONDERFUL NEWS! As a 13-year-old, I don't have a sordid and disgusting past!!! I'm good to go! All I need now is my team of advisors. Who to choose, who to choose...

Aaah, but of course.

Bye!

Turdistan

This is a map of my latest business venture, Turdistan, as composed by my associate, Diego Tutweiller. As you can see, the capital is KVRGL, an oddly-spelled town in the central Ptkltm Province. Turdistan isn't into vowels.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to move into Kvrgl, since I (for some reason) need to go to school. Therefore, I will be hiring a foreign administrator to carry out my will in Turdistan. Any takers?

No?

Fine, I'll just appoint Leekar.

Bye!

Leekar Nikkolonian

TA-DAAAAH! After months of putting my brain to the grindstone, I have discovered how to upload images of my characters onto this blog! Here is a pic of one of my personal favorites, Resident Idiot Leekar Nikkolonian. WHOOO-HOO! Remember, you can enlarge it by clicking on it.

Bye!

P.S.--- click HERE for Matt Bors's online gallery of incredibly funny cartoons.