New Crap II...

Heyo, non-loyal followers! I've made some major changes to the G-Force layout in the hopes of spiking some new hits this month (see my previous post, The Twinkie Defense). I added a calendar for those of you who don't know what day it is, some fish (OH MY GOD FISH), and of course, a new header!

Yep, it's almost 2013, and you all know what that means! Well, actually, you probably don't. But it means it's time to unveil my new, hand-drawn title for G-Force! Check this baby out!

Yes, it's pretty parkour. The Soviet Russia-style letterhead, the Official Vertco Seal of Approval, the flattering drawings of me and my cat, P-nut... it all works. At least, until 2014, when I'll get bored with THIS one and draw another. Maybe I'll do the next one in color... nah, too much effort.

In the background, you can see assorted crap from my junk drawer, or as I call it, DISTRICT NINE. Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of secrets in District Nine. There's a bunch of assorted aviators, a rubber chicken, a lava lamp, a knife concealed inside a refrigerator magnet (don't ask), a jumbo-size whoopee cushion, an Olmec Indian mask, a few dozen broken watches, and some masking tape. 

So, that's it for now. Check back in about a year. Then again, if the world ends in 2012, I won't be blogging again any time soon. Still, that's a nice suit I'm wearing in the picture. And if anyone wants to give me feedback, positive, negative, or otherwise, please say something in the comments... which have been going unused for quite some time now.

Bye!

Norway? No Way!

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past week, you've heard that there was a terrorist bombing in Norway. I've always been a big fan of Norway (even though it hasn't read my blog yet). Scandanavia is awesome. But I read something in The Week that scared me a bit.

The bombing may have been fueled by American blogs. Yeah, that's right-- AMERICAN BLOGS. So, on behalf of all American bloggers, I have prepared this statement.

STATEMENT TIME!!!

Dear Norway,

Hi. Um... look, Americans may not be the smartest or the skinniest. We may not be well-groomed. We may stand in crowds holding signs likening Obama to the Joker. We may wait in lines for day and night to purchase marginally improved iPads... where was I going with this?

The point is that all Americans are not like this. The only reason anyone thinks that is because the ugly, biased, fat, racist Americans are the only ones who end up in the news or with their own cable talk shows.

Thanks for understanding. And, if anyone from Norway actually gets around to reading my blog (a-hem), I'll know about it!

But then again, I don't want to seem like I'm making this all about America. So, let's talk a little more about the actual bombing. The bomber, Anders Breivik, killed 76 people. But because Norway's harshest punishment is 21 years in prison, this guy could be out in 2032! That really sucks. Norway, you need to up your crime & punishment.

Moving on, my insane cat, P-nut, may have fleas. We found odd little black dots all over him, which might be flea crap. So, if anyone has any insight onto what they might be, tell me in the comments (because I'm getting tired of beating out P-nut's beds with a golf club).

Bye!

Leekar: America's Last Hope (we're screwed)

So, I'm writing this post from my friend Ben's house, where we're having another epic sleepover/birthday party thingamajig. And something REALLY freaky just happened, which I must tell you about.

I was playing on my friend Luis's TV (which he brought over), and we were linked to the other room playing against my friend Cody and Ben. All of a sudden, I looked up, and we were 20 kills ahead. They thought we were cheating (I suck, so it's understandable), because when we tested it on my friend Ben's flat-panel, I ended up doing my usual pathetic excuse for a COD game. As soon as I went back to Luis's TV, it was back to my weird pwning insanity.

My best guess is that because Luis's TV is crappy, it turns the screen red. Now, we think it may have either made us high, or driven us insane. Either way, it was pretty effective.

But off of that topic, and on to my EPIC RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 2012!!!

So, I just polled my friends, and they all say that they would vote for me (if I was 43 and not 13 and they could vote). I promise as part of my campaign to rid the world of terrorism, violence, hate, war, death, destruction, Cody's farts (actually, if I weaponized them in a nuclear bomb, they might be the equivalent of a bioweapon), insane foreign dictators, South American drug cartels, slavery, frostbite, Hummers, the people who made 'Shrek IV', explosions, IED's, nukes, semi-deadly cutlery, handguns, natural disasters assault rifles, submachine guns, and everything toxic at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, I think I could have said that all in less than a super-paragraph. But still, vote me in 2012! I mean, who's the competition? And when I say competition, I mean competition within my party, The American Birthday Party. I created this party when I ran in 2008 and Obama beat me for the Democratic nomination. This way, I can still run for the whole way, unless a new challenger emerges...

DAMMIT, P-NUT! I swear to CHRIST! You ruin everything! Whether it be presidential runs or the upholstery on a naugahyde recliner, you always have a way of f-ing things up!

Well, you know what this means? If I don't make a huge revision to my campaign, I'll be screwed and I'll never win the nomination. So, who should I make as my VP...?

Yeah, that's right. LEEKAR. And as we all know, Leekar has a long and rich history of winning everything. His complete resume is as follows:

1) Class mascot for practically all my classes

2) Most-drawen GALAXY character

3) Co-dictator of Turdistan

4) All in all, complete ass-kicker to the stars. In conclusion, if anyone can win me this campaign, Leekar can.

Bye!

2011: A Space Odyssey

2011 is here. Whoop-dee-freakin' doo. I stayed up watching Seinfeld episodes, so the new year really got off to a good start with a few words of wisdom from Cosmo Kramer.

Actually, that's not such a bad idea. I think Kramer would make a great president. Of course, at international meetings, he'd keep raiding foreign diplomat's refrigerators. That could spark an international incident. So maybe not.

I have been asked to upload a picture of my insane cat, P-nut, to this blog, so here he is!

Sure, he looks innocent enough in this picture, but he will slice your guts open if you just look at him. He is cruel and evil. I have a suspicion that he plans on subjecting the entire human race as his everlasting slave empire. He will kill you. End of story.

So, why not get on his good side? Send $50 to PO box 566783 along with a sample of your scent, and I will get P-nut to smell it! Once he has done this, he will recognize your scent during his purge of all human life and spare you, under the condition that you become his pet.

Sleep well tonight!

Bye!

Transformers: Movie Deals in Disguise.

Heyo, crazy peoples! I saw the Transformers movie yesterday, and it was almost, if not, better than Star Trek. The guy who EERTEERTEERT BIG SPOILER ALERT sucked up all that sand (and one of the twins) was totally awesome. I looked up on Wikipedia; his name is Devastator. The Fallen, as I kept telling mom, is a guy. It does NOT refer to the Decepticons. The opening sequence of battles was TOTALLY FREAKIN' AWESOME, MAN!!!!! SPOILERS END HERE.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is my kitten. Today, I was lying in bed when suddenly, I hear this 'Live long and prosper' from above my head. I look up and there's P-nut, who's totally freaked out! Then I noticed he had bumped my talking Spock bobblehead. He then proceeded to catch a mosquito eater in his mouth. I could hear it buzzing in his cheek. And with that disgusting thought in your mind, I say goodbye until my next blog, when I'll give out the new brain tickler.