The 2013 Grahammies (part 1)

As you may know, I love movies. A good chunk of all my blog posts have the tag 'movie' at the bottom. And I see about 100 movies a year, plus 20 in theaters. That's 240 hours, or 14,400 minutes. Or to put it in more simplistic terms, it's roughly the amount of time it takes to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So it gives me great pleasure to now announce MY NOMINEES FOR THE 2013 GRAHAMMIES!!!

For Best Picture: Lincoln, Argo, Chronicle, Django Unchained, and Looper. For the first time, you will be able to vote on the Best Picture nominees in the sidebar! Just click your favorite movie of the year and it'll tabulate it... please. Please vote. Or comment. Or visit my blog site. I only get 500 hits a month. And half of those are from Sweden. Just, please...

Anyway... For Worst Picture: Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, 2016: Obama's America, Total Recall, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II, and Resident Evil: Retribution.

For Best Actor: Michael Fassbender (Prometheus), Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln), Bradley Cooper (Silver Linings Playbook), Denzel Washington (Flight), and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Looper).

For Worst Actor: Tim Heidecker (Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie), Robert Pattinson (Twilight), Adam Sandler (Hotel Transylvania), Colin Farrell (Total Recall), and Nicholas Cage (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance).

For Best Actress: Keira Knightley (Seeking a Friend for the End of the World), Jennifer Lawrence (The Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook), Emily Blunt (Looper), Noomi Rapace (Prometheus), and Anne Hathaway (The Dark Knight Rises).

For Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart (Twilight), Maggie Grace (Taken 2), Milla Jovovich (Resident Evil), Kate Beckinsale (Underworld: Awakening), and Meghan Fox (The Dictator).

For Best Director: Steven Spielberg (Lincoln), Quentin Tarantino (Django Unchained), Ang Lee (Life of Pi), Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight Rises), and Rian Johnson (Looper).

For Worst Director: Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie), Melissa Rosenberg (Twilight), Paul W.S. Anderson (Resident Evil), Olivier Megaton (Taken 2), and Len Wiseman (Total Recall).

For Best Screenplay: Looper, Django Unchained, Lincoln, Argo, and Life of Pi.

For Best Sequel/Prequel: Men In Black III, The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, and The Hobbit.

For Best Visual Effects: Men In Black III, Life of Pi, The Hobbit, Django Unchained, and Prometheus.

Those are my nominees. Vote if you want. No, even if you don't want to, you'd better vote. VOTE, GOD DAMN IT!!!

Bye!

A New Year

Well, it's a new year. I hope 2014 is better than 2013. I should explain: I've already given up on 2013. It's a s**tty year, and I hate it. Case in point-- I was at the mall today, and I went to the bathroom in REI. I walked out of the stall, and this odd-looking guy in khakis and a bad shirt was looking at me disapprovingly. He said "You really shouldn't use the handicapped stall. What if someone with a physical disability had to use it?"

Of course, the handicapped stall was the only one in the bathroom. So I told him "Hey, it's the only stall here, and I had to... y'know... drop a few Rebels in the 'ol Sarlacc Pit." He turned his nose up at me and walked out of the bathroom.

So, here's my question: Why do we tolerate stupid people? I mean, if someone takes up two parking spaces, do you just give up and allow them to proceed with their idiocy, or do you improvise a flyer advertising parking lessons and tuck it in their windshield wipers in a beautiful display of passive-aggressiveness? I don't know about you, but I choose B.


So, my new year's resolution is to stop tolerating dumb people. They really ruin your day if you run into them, and seeing how large a percentage they are of the population, it's almost statistically impossible NOT to see at least five per day. So YOUR job is to call them out on their stupidity.

And speaking of unspeakable stupidity... wait, that didn't sound right. Anyway, it's time for me to award my BULLS**T OF THE YEAR!!! As you recall, every year I award one of the 50 states the BS of the Year award for excellence in stupidity. In 2010 it was South Carolina, in 2011 it was Texas. And for 2012, it goes to... NORTH CAROLINA! Yeah, we've had both Carolinas in three years. But they deserved it.

North Carolina hosted the Democratic National Convention, but it was still the only swing state to vote for Mitt Romney. And that's all I need. Also, one of my sixteen mortal enemies was born in NC. So, North Carolina, I award you the BULLS**T OF THE YEAR AWARD!!! Treasure it forever, and immediately pawn it.

Bye!

2012

Hey, peeps of the future! I should explain: I'm writing this blog post on August 21st, so I have no idea what's going on right now. You see, if the 2012 Doomsday really happens, I may not have time to blog before being devoured by roving bands of psychotic cannibal people. And so I made an executive decision: I'm writing this blog post now.

The Mayans predicted the end of the world (or so some say) on this day at midnight, so expect some fireworks. The Mayans were right about everything. Except they failed to see the Spanish coming. But whatever.

The 5,125-year long Mayan calendar reverts back to zero this year, meaning that a lot of ancient Mayans will probably be dating their checks 5,126 by mistake. So if that's not a sign of doomsday, I don't know what is.

So, you know who won the election. I really hope it was Obama. I cannot handle a Romney presidency. Of course, it's possible that Obama lost, triggering the 2012 Doomsday itself. So many questions need to be answered!

So, what are the chances that the world has really come to an end? I dunno. But if it has, I have a few things I need to say.

END OF THE WORLD MANIFESTO

• If the world of the future is ruled by robots, simply print off this page and hand it to one of the iron overlords.

Hey, Robots! Congratulations on the complete subjugation of the carbon-based life forms culminating in the great purge. Well done! Now, I have a message for you to upload into your brethren's hive mind: The following sentence is false. The previous sentence is true.

Humans? You're welcome.

• Now, if the world is the victim of some sort of ecological disaster (i.e., hole in the ozone layer, massive tsunami, YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong), I have one message for you goddamn Republicans: WE TOLD YOU SO. The scenario I keep coming up with is this: A bill to send astronauts to prevent a massive solar flare from hitting Earth was blocked by a Republican majority in the House. They refused to save the planet unless a rider was attached giving out $10 billion in new defense spending and a repeal of Obamacare. The Democrats, of course, refused, and Earth was subsequently destroyed.

• Another possible scenario is the imminent threat of a nuclear bomb detonation in numerous major cities. Now, I'm pretty sure nukes will still be around four months from now, so this is quite possible. And to the group of people who set off this chain reaction? Uncool, guys. You think you can just go around nuking infidel cities without any fallout? Uncool.

• A far less likely possibility is The Rapture. If the atheists of the future are standing around, looking at all the shoes lying on the ground, then I'm wrong about literally everything. I bet there's a really Jesus-y feeling in the air, isn't there? God damn it.

• There's also the possibility that, like in Independence Day and countless movies before it, Aliens have come to Earth and enslaved the human race. To the human who is reading this on his iPod while deep in the Plutonium mines: Bummer, dude. And really, Aliens? Through all our existence, we've been talking about how awesome it would be to meet you. And now you're just here to kill us all? Wow.

• Of course, it's possible that trees emitted a gas that made us kill ourselves, but seeing as 'The Happening' had a very disappointing box office gross, I would say this is somewhat unlikely.

• Oh, and one last thing: If the world doesn't end, I would like someone to place a bet on the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl in 2013. And we all get to see Iron Man 3! Aaah...

Anyway, that's my END OF THE WORLD MANIFESTO. Sorry I can't give you any advice on fighting the mutant packs of roving dog-men, but there's a bomb shelter on 188, King's Creek Drive in Fairfax, CA. It's got a keg, a pool table, and a mini-fridge. I'm not sure where the key to the liquor cabinet is, but you might as well just smash the damn glass at this point.

Bye!

The End Of The World As We Know It

We're coming down to the wire. It's 12-20-12, and people are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow. I was thinking about why it would be terrible if the world ended tomorrow, so I decided to do what I always do when I'm in a life-or-death situation--- MAKE A LIST!!!

PROS OF WORLD ENDING:
• The entire cast of Jersey Shore will probably be killed in the process.
• With the number of apocalypse movies we've made, from aliens to solar flares to meteorites, it's probable that one of these predictions will be realized in spectacular fashion.
• Chuck Norris will most definitely survive.
• The Mayans will at least be able to say they predicted SOMETHING (They and the Aztecs sure as hell didn't see Cortez coming).
• My electronic bomb-proof safe will keep printed copies of every blog post I've ever written safe.
• We don't need to sit through another election year.
• If North Korea detonates a nuclear bomb, it might be visible to passing alien ships--- who arrived just a little too late.
• Those of us who watched the cursed tape from 'The Ring' today will have an extra seven days to live.
• The joke I wrote in the second sentence of this post made it all worthwhile.
• Finals week won't matter at ALL.
• A good portion of humanity will survive as feral mutant dog-men roaming the atomic wasteland.
• The remaining Twinkies may have enough content of Cesium-6 to live through a nuclear explosion.
• If Denzel Washington goes blind, he can re-enact 'The Book of Eli'.

CONS OF THE WORLD ENDING
• We never got to see 'A Good Day to Die Hard'.
• Futurama will have been cut short... again.
• My cat P-Nut will meet an untimely demise at the young age of six.
• The apocalypse will make investing in 401(k)s a big waste of time.
• The Black Keys will never make another album.
• We won't be able to witness the inevitable rise, fall, and drug-fueled collapse of resident pop douchebag Justin Bieber.
• If the world ends in The Rapture, I'll have to apologize to every religious nutball I've punched in the face repeatedly.
• Weed will never be legalized in California.
• We'll never find out where King Tut's penis went (yeah, I'm back on this).
• I wasted all my life going to school instead of kicking back and watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother.
• Newt Gingrich may survive in an undisclosed location (Hint: It's his secret MOON-BASE!!!)
• We may never learn just what went down in the 2000 election.
• Oh, yeah... and everybody'll die...


But altogether, we had a pretty good run. Get ready tomorrow (or not) for my post-apocalyptic-post!!! I wrote it back in August and scheduled it for 12-21-12 at midnight, just in case I had other things to do then. But hey, I wrote 484 blog posts. I got a 100% on my math final one year. I drew a picture of myself riding a unicorn while eating Cheetos and shooting an Uzi into the air... so yeah. I had a pretty fulfilling life.

Check in tomorrow... or if you're... um... preoccupied... don't bother. I'll understand. Bye!

Doomsday Preppers

I had my Drama final today, and I have finals in PE, Spanish, Science, English, and Math the rest of the week. I am SO SCREWED. I spent all weekend cramming, but I never can get over that constant nagging feeling that there's some massive vital piece of information I've missed thus far.

Also, my friend Calvin got his iPod taken away by our English teacher (again), and now it's gone missing. So she thinks either me or Calvin took it. I'm so happy. Actually, I think she just lost it or something, and now she's freaking out because she doesn't want to buy him a new one. Or maybe she's trying to teach him a lesson by hiding it from him... I dunno.

None of these things will matter if the world ends on Friday, though. I've been prepping (just in case), and on Thursday, maybe I'll go to school and tell everyone what I REALLY think of them. That may not be a good idea. I've got some teachers I want to say things to...

But speaking of doomsday preppers, the mother of the Newtown shooter was a doomsday prepper. Which makes me think that she freaked her son out with talk of the end of the world, and he went into a school and shot everything up. It's certainly a possibility. And you know whose fault it is...



Yeah--- NATIONAL GEO-F**KING-GRAPHIC. They've messed up everyone's heads with their show 'Doomsday Preppers'. I would not be surprised if a psychiatrist finds a direct correlation between that dumbass show and the shooter. It's right up there with Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, and Ancient Aliens.

But the NRA has come out and stated that they'll make some contributions to ensure that another Newtown doesn't happen. This is a big chance for Obama and the Democrats. That sounds like a band, doesn't it? Anyway... people are rallying all around the country against the NRA. It's like a Democrat's dream come true. So if they can't get any good legislation through, they aren't even trying.

As usual. Bye!

Leekar: America's Last Hope (we're screwed)

So, I'm writing this post from my friend Ben's house, where we're having another epic sleepover/birthday party thingamajig. And something REALLY freaky just happened, which I must tell you about.

I was playing on my friend Luis's TV (which he brought over), and we were linked to the other room playing against my friend Cody and Ben. All of a sudden, I looked up, and we were 20 kills ahead. They thought we were cheating (I suck, so it's understandable), because when we tested it on my friend Ben's flat-panel, I ended up doing my usual pathetic excuse for a COD game. As soon as I went back to Luis's TV, it was back to my weird pwning insanity.

My best guess is that because Luis's TV is crappy, it turns the screen red. Now, we think it may have either made us high, or driven us insane. Either way, it was pretty effective.

But off of that topic, and on to my EPIC RUN FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN 2012!!!

So, I just polled my friends, and they all say that they would vote for me (if I was 43 and not 13 and they could vote). I promise as part of my campaign to rid the world of terrorism, violence, hate, war, death, destruction, Cody's farts (actually, if I weaponized them in a nuclear bomb, they might be the equivalent of a bioweapon), insane foreign dictators, South American drug cartels, slavery, frostbite, Hummers, the people who made 'Shrek IV', explosions, IED's, nukes, semi-deadly cutlery, handguns, natural disasters assault rifles, submachine guns, and everything toxic at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, I think I could have said that all in less than a super-paragraph. But still, vote me in 2012! I mean, who's the competition? And when I say competition, I mean competition within my party, The American Birthday Party. I created this party when I ran in 2008 and Obama beat me for the Democratic nomination. This way, I can still run for the whole way, unless a new challenger emerges...

DAMMIT, P-NUT! I swear to CHRIST! You ruin everything! Whether it be presidential runs or the upholstery on a naugahyde recliner, you always have a way of f-ing things up!

Well, you know what this means? If I don't make a huge revision to my campaign, I'll be screwed and I'll never win the nomination. So, who should I make as my VP...?

Yeah, that's right. LEEKAR. And as we all know, Leekar has a long and rich history of winning everything. His complete resume is as follows:

1) Class mascot for practically all my classes

2) Most-drawen GALAXY character

3) Co-dictator of Turdistan

4) All in all, complete ass-kicker to the stars. In conclusion, if anyone can win me this campaign, Leekar can.

Bye!

Pick Me, Pick Me!

I'm back! And I'm also beginning a new feature: THE 2012 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, A FEW YEARS AHEAD OF ITS TIME!!!

Today, my viability as a candidate. Now, we all know the different requirements for president: a strong understanding of issues, charisma, patriotism, relatability...

Okay, let's cut the crap. It boils down to three things:

1) Money. Lots of it. If you don't have this, you're so screwed it's not even funny.

2) Beer. Who wants to have a beer with you. This is very, very important. If you don't occasionally volunteer to be the designated driver, America will punch you in the nose and leave the bar before the cops come.

3) Amount of stars/stripes in your logo. This is the biggest and most important of all. So after careful consideration, I've chosen this as my "ME 2012" logo:

This picture relates to both Republicans, Democrats, and, of course, Hippies. Some might contest whether or not this logo will reach out to the average American voter, but it's better than the other choice:

I don't even know what store this is for. Probably Macy's.

Now, let's check my candidacy's viability at my incredibly awesome SITUATION NOOK!!!

Now, unknown newscasters, let's see what you've got. Hmm? Oh. Yes, yes, I see.

WONDERFUL NEWS! As a 13-year-old, I don't have a sordid and disgusting past!!! I'm good to go! All I need now is my team of advisors. Who to choose, who to choose...

Aaah, but of course.

Bye!