California Love, Baby!

I'm so good at guessing square roots, it's scary. My homework was really convoluted, so I thought it would make it easier if I just randomly picked a number and check my work. I was literally right 85% of the time. 169? 13. 784? 28. 225? 15. I kicked some serious butt.

Me and my friends were sitting in the library when we started talking about where we'd be in 15 years. One of them said he'd be a DP (director of photography). It took me a while to think of what I'd be doing, though. At first, I thought I'd be in a Jeep driving across the Siberian wasteland hunting Nazi zombies on a covert CIA mission (I've played too much COD: Black Ops). But then I realized where I'd be: Living in a 1967 VW camper van in a parking space on a beach in Malibu, California. I'd park right next to the public shower and the bathrooms, plus the water fountain. There, I'd draw cartoons and sell them to an editor for 400 bucks a pop. Also, I'd get tan on the beach, surf, and play poker at night with my friends David Letterman, Conan 'O Brian, and Warren Beatty.

Then we started annoying my other friend by saying he'd grow up to be a bra salesman. I think it would be the perfect job for him, but he wants to be Scarlett Johannson's personal masseuse.

He has pretty high aspirations.

Bye!

Cliffhanger...

Oh my god. I just created the greatest series EVER on Funny Times. Click the following link to view it (but finish reading this blog first!!!)

CLIFFHANGER

Remember, read the cartoon in REVERSE ORDER. Start with page three and go to page one, since due to the odd setup of the playground gallery, the first page is the most recent 'toon.

Speaking of Funny Times, I recently passed the 750 cartoons mark. This means I have only 250 or so more cartoons until I hit the big 1,000. Only two 'tooners have hit 1,000: cta and Eric Per1in. I am SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT!!!

However, there is an enormous obstacle in my way: The reality of how long it takes to make 250 cartoons. That's why I've just been pumping them out recently. I went through five pages of cartoons in two days. That's 25 cartoons. Which means I had to do at least one cartoon for every waking hour of the past two days.

Speaking of waking hours, I recently realized something: If you live to be 80, you've only technically lived 40 years! That's because you were asleep for half that time! Now, of course, you ARE alive when you sleep, you're just not conscious. This means that you're only actually DOING anything for half your life (or if you're George Costanza, none of it).

That's all I've got. Bye!

Pearls Before Swine

Click HERE to visit comics.com's Pearls Before Swine page, where I got these great cartoons.

Leekar Nikkolonian

TA-DAAAAH! After months of putting my brain to the grindstone, I have discovered how to upload images of my characters onto this blog! Here is a pic of one of my personal favorites, Resident Idiot Leekar Nikkolonian. WHOOO-HOO! Remember, you can enlarge it by clicking on it.

Bye!

P.S.--- click HERE for Matt Bors's online gallery of incredibly funny cartoons.

The Ultimate 100th Blog

Aaaaaaaaaahhh... here it is. My 100th blog. I had to do 18 blogs in one month and three blogs on one day to finish it, but there it is. Right now I'm watching M*A*S*H episodes and doodling. So here's one of every feature that I have, in honor of my 100th blog:

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is... Old TV Shows! I've gotten really into shows like M*A*S*H and Seinfeld. There. That's my TOPIC OF INTEREST. That was abnormally easy.

My pearl of anti-wisdom: if at first you don't succeed, stick your head in an oven.

My BETTER KNOW A SPECIES: Dipwads. Dipwads are people who, purposely, do a stupid thing over and over. I know several people like this. A Dipwad doesn't always know what they're doing is stupid, though, as proved by the Bush Years.

My BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST: Mort Drucker, who works for MAD Magazine! Mort usually does a black-and-white spoof of a TV show or a movie. He's been with MAD for about 50 years. As a tribute to this, the usual gang of idiots used Drucker's name in their spoof of Harry Potter #6, in which they called Lord Voldemort Lord Druckermort. Here's a pic:

That's Mort's depiction of Tom Richmond, another MAD cartoonist.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY DIGNITY: Today we have... MY DAD!

On Thanksgiving, we were over at my grandpa's friend's house, and there were some teenagers there. I'm only 12 years old, so I was trying to act all cool. They were sitting there texting and I was trying to act all cool; they were only a little bit older than me. But then dad says: 'So, what are you doing? Just hanging out?' I was mortally embarrassed.

That's it. My 100th blog. I can't do ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT because I haven't seen a movie recently, and I can't do MASTER PLAN since I don't have a genius fix to a world problem at the moment.

I'll blog you soon

P.S.--- This was completed at 11:50 p.m.--- so there you are! 100 blogs before the year is out!!!

Better Know a Cartoonist Part II...

Edeu Fa Fa! Edeu Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa! Okay, that was odd! This blog needs to be short, because I'm trying to do three blogs today to hit #100 before the year is out! I hoped you liked my previous blog, and if you went through and read every single thing I hate, then please contact your nearest insane asylum, because I don't know ANYONE who would read all that crap.

Today's feature: BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST! Today--- STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF THE COMIC STRIP, PEARLS BEFORE SWINE!!!

Stephan grew up not far from where I live, here in Marin County. He was influenced mostly by Charles Schultz, creator of Peanuts. The comic, not the nut itself.

So anyway, one day when Steve was stalking Mr. Schultz, he finally found him and got a chance to talk to him at a local restaurant. Schultz told him to quit his job as a lawyer and become a cartoonist. So he did. Wow. How smooth. Graham Vert

Here's a picture of Stephan Pastis' cartoon, Pearls Before Swine:

It's about a rat, a pig, a zebra, and a goat, who are creatively named Rat, Pig, Zebra, and Goat. They sit around drinking beer and contemplating the end of the world, as seen in the picture. Supporting characters include the homicidal guard duck who stockpiles WMDs, the fraternity of crocodiles who live next to Zebra and constantly try to eat him, and Snuffles the Cat, Zebra's pet, who steals watches and runs an illegal bookie operation. Pig and Rat are the main characters.

Wow, this was a short blog. Join me next time for my official 100th blog!!!

Bye!

Better Know a Cartoonist...

Okay, this is it! I have five more blogs to do before I'm shmuffed, and only four days to do them. That means I have to do two blogs on one day, and why not make that today?

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is my new-er feature, BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST. Today, my personal favorite artist of all time, HERMANN MEJIA!!!

Hermann works for MAD Magazine, and grew up in Caracas, Venezuela. He is the best MAD Magazine artist the world has ever seen (sorry, Mort Drucker and Sergio Argones). His signature style is to exaggerate the features of whoever he's drawing. Sometimes he even sculpts models of his artwork. Not only that, but he's also colorblind! He does all this work without even seeing in color! He uses an extensive color tablet to ink his drawings. Or his wife just tells him what to do. Either way, it seems to work. Here's his model of Bush:

That is a genius work of art. It's my Mona Lisa. Join me next time when I talk about... STEPHAN PASTIS!!!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: Nothing is gained by cheating: unless you're cheating on a diet.

And now, time for an edition of MASTER PLAN!!!!! Everyone, you know I believe wholeheartedly in global warming. And if you put that together with the fact that our government is nearing bankruptcy, there is only one conclusion: put a cover charge of $20 for entering a gas station! This will only work if all gas stations do it, because if there's one charging $20 across the street from one with no cover charge... well... which one would YOU go to? another llama mama for obama-rama

Anyway, because of the incredibly high cover charge, no one would want to waste gas, right? Well, then the hummers would go out of business because there would be no demand for a gas-guzzeling expensive car. Less fuel emissions would therefore be pumped into the atmosphere and... ta-daaaaah!!! Global warming--- averted.

But, of course, you couldn't cease our dependency on cars that easily. So when people go to get their gas, the $20 cover charge is sent to the state's government! This would work especially well for my home state of California.

So there you have it. My solution to global warming and governmental bankruptcy.

I'll blog you soon.

Going Vogue

RORSCHACH IS AWESOME!!!!

Rorschach is a #$%^ god! He's the leading character in Watchmen®, the greatest graphic novel ever, beaten only by Bone. Go out and buy this book! It's inappropriate for all ages! There's blood! Guts! Gore! Swearing! Some random guy gets shot with a grappling gun! And it can all be yours for only $39.95 at your local Barnes & Noble!

Ahhhhh, Watchmen®, how I love you.

Everyone, I was as amazed as you when Sarah Palin's book hit the shelves. It's incredible. I mean, shouldn't you at least read ONE book before you write one? Especially one titled 'Going Rogue: An autobiography of the dumbest f***ing jackhole on the face of the Earth'. Sorry, that last part was my addition.

It seems many Republicans have been coming out with books, such as Glenn Beck's 'Arguing With Idiots, and why I bother to argue with myself'. Again, I added something there. Want to guess what?

Also, I noticed a remarkable similarity between 'Going Rogue' and another famous Palin exploit, codenamed 'Going Vogue'. Do we still have a picture of that left over from one of my July blogs, 'Half-Baked Alaska'?

Nooooo! No, I must not look, or the image of this unspeakable evil shall be forever burned into my photographic memory!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

For some more anti-Palin/Beck/Limbaugh stuff, visit my page at Funny Times.com! Click HERE to see all the cartoons that I have ever done (on FT). Bye!!!