Bend it Like Beck

Hello, and Sherfaneranerfanerf, loyal (but unenthusiastic) followers! I got bored making Funny Times cartoons for a while, so I decided to make this blog. Today's blog will be mostly about my favorite pastime, MAKING REPUBLICANS LOOK LIKE THE MORONS THEY ARE!!!

Aaaahhh, how I hate them.

We begin today with TOPIC OF INTEREST, which is Glenn Beck. Becky has been around for too long, and I think it's time that I slammed him again. Here's a list of things I hate Glenn Beck for:

The title of his book, ARGUING WITH IDIOTS. Excuse me? If anyone's an idiot, it's Glenn Beck (see the next grievance I have with him).

His comment that "Obama has a deep-seated hatred of white people". Oy vey. Do I really need to make a comment on that? I hope not.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If there is a Republican reading this, do not think for a MOMENT that 'Oh, it's just another dumb drooling Keith Olbermann loving Democrat." Incredibly not true. Self-righteous snobby left-wing assholes are JUST AS ANNOYING as self-righteous snobby right-wing assholes (hence, the reason I don't watch Keith Olbermann).

Back to Glenny: He said that Obama's supreme court nominee, Sonya Sotomayor, was also racist. Have the Republicans really sunk so low that when they see a Democrat who's also, say, Hispanic, they would say "Oh, he/she MUST be racist". The same goes for the 'Obama hates white people' comment.

He always seems to work a "Progressives=Socialists" joke into any sentence he says. Also, his blackboard has gotten more annoying than his actual opinions. He recently went all-out at a tea party convention, where he pulled out his famous blackboard and proceeded to draw a diagram of America's choices (which, if I remember correctly, were 'Revolution' or 'Evolution'). People who feel intellectually stimulated by an idiot doodling on a rolling blackboard have roughly the IQ of a fried eggplant.

But let's make room for a new feature I'm calling 'It wasn't all bad'. It's where I give you the silver lining of an otherwise crappy week. Here's today's:

This weekend is a three-day weekend, except the teachers have to work on Monday! So IN YOUR FACE, TEACHERS! You have to go to the stinkin' cesspool that is White Hill Middle School while I stay home and play video games, have sleepovers, and go on hikes!

Bye!

We're Living in Funny Times

Oy vey. I cleaned out The Swamp today, fortunately with minimal casualties. It tried to eat my fingers, but I just barely escaped. It did, however, score a minor victory when it ate my Big Book 'o Crappy Limericks (which I wrote). The Swamp ended up losing about 50 pounds, which will probably lighten the load of my backpack a bit. Right now, it's sitting across the room from me, just staring at me. I don't think I'm gonna get any sleep tonight.

Bad news for Avatar fans: The new issue of MAD Magazine came out today, and NO, the cover is not of Alfred E. Neuman as a Na'vi. That would have been the perfect picture for the cover, seeing as every cover is of Alfred E. as a different thing (i.e, Jack Sparrow, Darth Maul, Gollum, a homeless guy, Batman, Rorschach, etc). Even I had five bucks down on it. Instead, it was just some crap picture of Alfred wearing an 'I love Obama' shirt.

Speaking of MAD, I am incredibly depressed. MAD recently switched to a once-every-three-months basis, and now that I've read the new one cover to cover (three times), I have nothing to look forward to for a whole frickin' three months (besides the end of school- YEAH!) The only thing to think about now is when the monthly issue of Funny Times will come or when The Week will come, well, duh, WEEKLY!

As I was saying earlier, I wrote about fifty limericks in class today, which were unfortunately eaten by The Swamp. Some were about my friends, some about my enemies (I enjoyed writing those most), and some were just random. I've posted some of my favorites on FunnyTimes.com for the Annual Limerick Contest. To see all the 'toons I've done, follow the following link:

All cartoons by me

Now, before you click on that (which I really hope you didn't), I need to explain something to you. Funny Times is an international newspaper that has a website that you can create your own cartoons on (to create your own cartoon, click HERE). However, me and some other Funny Times users have been using it kinda like a social networking site, communicating to each other using cartoons. For my 'toons, I show myself as a geeky social leper with incredibly thick glasses and a bad haircut named 'Elephant Man'. I don't know why I called myself that, but it'll haunt me forever. And for the record, I don't look anything like that. I am a lean, mean, fighting machine.

Anyway, some other 'tooners who also use fake names (such as cta, Ellie May, Eric Per1in, Rick Dickulous, Danger Dan, Sophie, and Yankees With Hope) have been collaborating and creating contests, talking to each other, and having a great time. Here's the premise:

The 'tooners I just listed have mostly been around much longer than me. Here are their 'tooning amounts and when they began:

Me: Sometime in September, 112 pages of cartoons (five cartoons per page).

cta: Longer than anyone can remember, 214 pages of cartoons.

Eric Per1in: Started sometime after cta, but more pages (a result of having too much free time). 233 pages.

Sophie: Since who knows when, Unknown amount of cartoons.

Danger Dan: Since about December, 25 pages of cartoons.

Ellie May: Since about 2008, 64 pages of cartoons. IMPORTANT NOTE: Her husband, aka The Hubster, also appears in some cartoons.

Rick Dickulous: Just started 'tooning about a week ago, five pages of cartoons!

Just Bean: Bean has been around for quite a while, but switched his/her name from 'Queen Bean' to 'Just Bean' a few months ago.

More on the premise: These are the CURRENT 'tooners. Some retired 'tooners include:

CIAgent

Mr. Smartypants

Konrad Schwoerke (who just recently quit)

Claustrophobic (who recently came back! Whoooo!)

Smush (who also recently came back! Whoooo!)

and Ducky.

Even more on the premise: Some idiots under the name 'Anonymous' have been clogging up the website with mindless drivel, such as people standing there saying things like 'poopie'. Anonymous is the automatic name the site gives you if you don't enter a codename into the 'create your own cartoon' page. The 'tooners have united against the Anonymouses, and we have declared all-out war.

WOW, this is a long blog, but Funny Times is complicated. There's also a lot more to tell, like how to create things that aren't on the playground using available elements, and how to write underneath the panels, and how to publish your cartoon and Editor's Picks and cartoon series and bad puns and silliness and how to spot a disguised 'Anonymous' cartoon and...

Oh, what the hell. Just read all my cartoons from back to front. You'll get the picture (kinda).

Bye!

P.S.--- If cta, Sophie, Ellie May, or anyone else is reading this blog, thanks! I need the hits!

It's Been a While. I've Been Swamped.

Holy Shnerfanerf! I haven't blogged for nearly a month! This is bad, seeing as, in future generations, people will look to this blog as their new Bible. Okay, not REALLY, but at least for reviews on movies like Avatar which, by the way, I went to see for the third time.

I've been having a bad week. First, I was hit in the face with a rock, causing my parents to get all caring and helpful on me (don't you hate that?). Today, my best friend played a frickin' bad trick on me when he told me he was moving to France. I stopped believing him when he said he had planned this a year ago but 'forgot to tell me'. I plan to get him back on April Fool's Day...

Speaking of which, April Fool's Day is my third favorite day of the year, after my birthday (November 8th) and Christmas. Here are the pranks I have planned, as long as my teacher decides to go along with them:

#1: Hollow out a chocolate rabbit, fill it with wasabi, and give it to someone. Unfortunately, that someone's girlfriend found out and told him, so that one's a bust.

#2: This one is for my best friend, who I'm incredibly mad at: Steal everything in his desk and hide it all around the school, i.e., in the urinal, on the roof, in someone else's desk, and, hopefully, in an Eight Grader's locker.

#3: Get the entire class to hide around the school when someone's in the bathroom.

The rest I can't really tell because if anyone from school reads this blog, I'll have a problem. Let's just say I'm saving the best for last...

Speaking of school, my backpack is OUTTA CONTROL. Actually, it's not my backpack itself that's the problem, it's the binder in it. Not a single thing in that whole freakin' binder is clipped in. Nothing's sorted. I haven't thrown anything in it away, EVER. And, unfortunately, it ate some guy who thought I should clean it out. I call it 'The Swamp', and it's the subject of today's TOPIC OF INTEREST.

At the very start of the year, The Swamp was just a few doodles that I had drawn in math class when I got bored (which isn't hard in math class). But soon, teachers were excusing us to break minutes after the bell because they had to finish the lesson, so I, in a rush to get out the door, simply threw the papers we had been working on into The Swamp. Around November, The Swamp had mutated into a massive heap of loose papers that weighed more than a '97 PC. My homeroom teacher tried to get me to clean it out, and I was very successful. However, the very next day, The Swamp was back. That's when I started calling it The Swamp, after Hawkeye's tent in M*A*S*H.

On an unrelated note, our video in Science was narrated by Alan Alda.

Anyway, tomorrow we're supposed to clean out our binders, and The Swamp is looking bigger than ever. It's been so cocky since it ate that guy.

Bye!

P.S.-- If I hadn't done a blog for one more day, it would have been exactly a month since my last one.

P.S.S.-- I recently celebrated my 500th cartoon on Funny Times.com! Yay! Only 500 more 'till I hit 1,000!

P.P.S.S.-- I finally found out what P.S. stands for! Post Script!

Staycation

Yello, and Snookachalla. I haven't blogged for way too long, and it looks like February is going to be one of those months where I only do, like, three or four blogs. So, here's the list of reasons why I didn't blog:

Friday: The last day of school for a week. I was so excited, I couldn't blog.

Saturday: My friend came over and we had a massive sleepover/hike.

Sunday: He stayed until 4:30 and watched a 'Jurassic Park' marathon: Numbers One, Two, and Three.

Monday: We went up to my Aunt's house in Lake County.

Tuesday: We came back and I was exhausted from feeding goats, petting cats, and freaking out chickens (accidentally!)

Other amazing things: I bought a copy of Stephan Colbert's book, I AM AMERICA (And So Can You!), I crowned myself master of Winter Break with a hat given to me by my aforementioned Aunt, and my cat went bezerk. Plus, in about 40 minutes, I'm going to go get my passport. I've never had one before because I'VE NEVER BEEN OUT OF EITHER CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA, OR NEVADA!!! AND I'M GOING INSANE!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway, this means today's blog needs to be short.

Everyone, I have a new feature. You see, nearly every state has a famous city. Like San Fransisco for the Golden Gate Bridge, Las Vegas for the casinos, New York City for its city-ness, and Providence, Rhode Island because it's the only city that could fit in Rhode Island. Which is why I'm introducing BETTER KNOW SAN ANSELMO (the town that I live in). Every time I use this, I'll include a picture of a well-known place here in crazy land. I mean, San Anselmo. Here's today's.

This is downtown crazy land (San Anselmo). Behind those buildings on the right is a street that breaks off from The Hub. The Hub is where Drake Boulevard meets with about nine million other streets, and if you want to go anywhere east of San Anselmo, you have to drive through The Hub. The street shown here in downtown crazy land eventually curves over the San Anselmo creek (the one that flooded), goes past some run-down little grocery store called Albertson's, and crosses Drake at The Hub. Down the main street in downtown crazy land, there's a bookstore, a coffee place, a bakery where George Lucas likes to hang out (no joke), and another bakery called 'Royal Sweet'. They have godly donuts.

Well, that's about it. Join me next time when we talk about... THE LUCAS MANSION!!! Cue 'Darth Vader' music.

Bye!

The Fate of the Union

AIIIIDSAKKKON!!! Hello, people who stumbled across this blog randomly! I haven't blogged for way too long (five days), so today's blog needs to be long-ish.

Let's begin with the thing that everyone has been raving about lately. The thing on everyone's minds. That wonderful show, hosted by incredibly famous people in power, which is only on once a year. Wait... am I talking about the Super Bowl or the State of the Union?

My personal bet with my dad on the Super Bowl's outcome ended up winning me six bucks. YEAH! First, I bet that the Colts would beat the Jets and make it to the Super Bowl. That got me a buck. Then we bet on Colts VS Saints and, even though I wanted the Colts to win, I bet on the Saints. Sorry, Peyton Manning. Just not your year.

But it's never really the Super Bowl that anyone watches anymore. It's the ads. I hear this year they actually sold Cheetos® some ad space on the football itself. This year, however, Doritos® won the ULTIMATE SUPER BOWL AD OLYMPICS with its latest ad. I can't really describe it to you. Let's just say it involved some idiots, some dude named Tim, and an alternate use for Doritos®: Ninja Stars.

Of course, after my long Super Bowl coverage I just had, which ate up two whole paragraphs, it's time for something much more boring. The State of the Union. And it's the subject of tonight's TOPIC OF INTEREST.

It's been a whole two weeks since Obama's historic S.O.T.U. (State of the Union), and that's been just enough time for the rabid conservatives here at G-Force to prepare their rebuttal. Hopefully it will not be given by Bobby Jindal. Here we go with...

AN OLD MAN RANT FROM BOB '5-SHOT' SELKOWITZ. The following is not typed or produced by any liberal at G-force. The editor and writer would like to sincerely apologize for the upcoming idiotic Republican rant.

In MY day, a State of the Union would be given by an intelligent, fair person who always agreed with the Republicans. This person, as you may have guessed, was Ronald Reagan. Now, unfortunately, we can't get an angel to pop out of the computer monitor when you read His name. His sons, however, are split over the tea party movement. His son Michael believes that Ronny would completely agree with the tea party movement, aka THE GREATEST CAUSE ALIVE. On the other hand, his son Ronald thinks that the great Reagan would think that Sarah Palin is the epitome of stupidity. How dare he! Doesn't he realize the immense weight he carries? If we can't count on Ron Reagan's kids to be Republicans, then the GOP is DOOMED!

Thank you, 5-Shot. That was... informative. But on to the real State of the Union that our very own Kenyan Muslim Socialist President gave... AAAAGH! He's got me doing it, too!

So, what did everyone think of this massively important speech? Well, I think it embarrassed John Boehner, seeing that by the end of it, he had turned a shade of orange that is only found on the belly of certain newts. But, since the Right was so secretive about their feelings on the speech, from when they didn't applaud to when they stayed stuck to their seats for so long I thought they had sat in gum, we may never know.

Bye!

Don't Ask, Don't Tell: Evil Eye for the Queer Guy

Hello, and Yashooba. Now, first off, I want to talk about the thing that's been on everyone's mind for quite some time, and that's Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I've long said that gays and lesbians should get equal rights to marry and serve in the army. Of course, I'm not gay. NOT THAT THERE'D BE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!! So, anyway, congress looks like it's going to keep Don't Ask, Don't Tell around a little longer. Nearly every Republican congressman agrees on this, proving beyond a shadow of doubt that our little Right friends have gotten a little asleep at the wheel. Isn't that right, John McCain?

"If someone comes to me with a bill that says to allow gays and lesbians to serve in the military, I will vote for that bill." -John McCain, 2006

"I don't think now is the time to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell." -John McCain, 2010

Yeah. There you go.

Next up is today's TOPIC OF INTEREST, and that's Tim Geithner. Tim is one of the few Democrats that I completely detest. To quote a recent-ish issue of The Week:

"Conservatives and Liberals rarely see eye to eye, but when it comes to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, they completely agree: they want him out of there."

Timmy is no better than his predecessor, Henry Paulson. But, I don't want to get to worked up over this, so here's my very mild propaganda:

GET THIS GUY!!!!!

Aaaaaahhh, I feel better already.

Everyone, it's been nearly a whole week since I asked the US government to give me a bailout. Let's check the official Cash Counter® and see how much dough I've accumulated.

The total comes to: $2.43!!!!! Whooooooooooooo!!!!! Yesssss! Break out the confetti, everyone, it's par-tay time! Spend rapidly! Woooo! Yeah!

Wait... that was just my allowance and the 43 cents I found on the ground.

Oh.

Well, forget it. I'm sure I'll get some more dough soon enough...

Bye!!!

Bail Me Out

Uppin! Hi, people who stumbled across this blog while surfing the web!!! This blog is gonna be short, so here's my TOPIC OF INTEREST: The Bank Bailouts.

Followers, ever since I started this blog, we here at G-Force have been short on cash. So here's what I want: 7 billion dollars in cold, hard cash from the U.S. government! We're so poor, our college intern Biff has been begging for rattles on the street. (He's only two)!!!

So, I need to announce some sad, sad layoffs here at G-Force_ratings. We have three people who we're chucking into the big, steamy vat of unemployment. The first to go is our feature designer and only zombie employee, Samantha Eatyourbrains. Next, The Joker, our senior image designer. And finally, we're cutting our demographic board down to only two. We're firing Wall-e. I know a lot of you wish we'd fired Jar Jar or Dr. Phil, but since Wall-e had only three fingers and couldn't type, he wasn't really a valuable employee.

Of course, now we need someone to replace them, so we're letting our chief writer, Bob 'Bananas' Roberts take over. He's been such a good sport about it, we're giving him a massive pay cut and a coupon for a free appendectomy. Go Bob!

And now, our new hire. I'm not so sure about this one. We're hiring '5-shot' Bob Selkowitz, an outspoken Republican winger. He's the host of our new feature, 'Why Liberals are destroying America in 25 words or less'. Like I said, I'm not so sure about this one, but we'll see how it works out...

Good news! So far, we've received a grand total of.... $0 OF MONEY FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT!!! WHOOOOO!!!!... wait... what was that number again? Zero?

Oh, snap.

Bye!