No S***, Sherlock: A Game of S***ows

I've seen two movies in the past three days, and I need to get some reviewing done. And because it goes against my religion to have both movies in one post, I need to do at least two blogs today.

The Sherlock Holmes series is, almost undoubtedly, not over. We owe this to Downey Jr, who (though incapable of a british accent) essentially carries the whole movie. It was not nearly as good as the first one. Final score: 5/10 stars.

By the way, if you want the full history of all my movie ratings, check out Diego Tutweiller's page on Rotten Tomatoes (yeah, that's right). Obviously, that's not my real name, nor do I live in Bakersfield. But whatever. Click HERE to access the RT main page, and click HERE to go to my Rotten Tomatoes profile.

Bye!

Dead as a Doornail

It's all over.

There is no one else left. No other foreign dictators to make fun of. I'm ruined. I had planned my entire 2012 blog series on Kim Jong-Il and now he just up and DIES?!?! NOT COOL, YOU SON OF A---.... But I'm calm...

Really, though, where do we all go from here? All of us political comedians who don't have much left to mock... Mummar Qadaffi's gone, and those female bodyguard jokes are wearing thin already. Assad won't last much longer. The dictators of Egypt and Tunisia are gone, and now you take Kim Jong-Il away from us??? NOOOOOOOOOO...

He and Qadaffi could have founded the Crazy Dictator's Club. Qadaffi outlawed Switzerland. Kimmie played golf and ate lobsters while his people starved. Qadaffi pitched a tent in front of his hotel and let his camel roam around the compound. Kim was an avid movie buff.

So much squandered material... all wasted... what do we all do now?

Oh, but of course. Ayatollah Ass-a-holla.

I'm gonna have some fun with this guy before he dies.

Bye!

BEST. SONG. EVER.

As you might know, I almost always call movies I like 'the best movie ever'. Well, I think I may have a disease, because I've started doing it with songs, too. So here's the list of best songs ever (not in any particular order). Also, I tried to limit the number of songs per band to three, because I don't want The Beatles, The Black Keys, and Greenday hogging the list.

The Beatles: Ticket to Ride, The Night Before, Help (all of which I have memorized)

Greenday: The Static Age (which I have memorized), Holiday, Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Rolling Stones: Paint it Black (fun fact: I thought it was 'PAINTED Black' for the first 12 years of my life).

REM: It's the End of the World as We Know it, The One I Love (which I have memorized), and Work Song

Talking Heads: Road to Nowhere, And She Was

B.O.B: Nothin' on You, Don't Let Me Fall, I'll be in the Sky

Black Keys: Howlin' for You, Tighten Up, Gold on the Ceiling (all of which I have memorized)

World Party: When the Rainbow Comes, Curse of the Mummy's Tomb, Put the Message in the Box

Bob Dylan: The Times they are a Changin', Tambourine Man, The Man in Me

Red Hot Chili Peppers: The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie, Dani California, Californication

Foster the People: Don't Stop, Pumped Up Kicks

The Kinks: My Sharona (their only good song)

Taio Cruz: Dynamite (which I have memorized)

The Airborne Toxic Event: Changing (which I have memorized)

Keane: Stop For a Minute (which I have memorized)

Matt Nathanson: Faster
Fun: We Are Young

The Zombies: Time of the Season

Neon Trees: Animal

Weezer: Island in the Sun, Beverly Hills

Journey: Don't Stop Believing (which was in The Losers!)

ELO: Don't Bring Me Down

Weird Al: Amish Paradise, Ebay (both of which I have memorized)

Train: Save Me San Francisco (at least they don't call it 'Frisco'. Ugh)

There you go. Feel free to look up the ones you don't know. In fact, do it or else!

Bye!

The Invention of Hugo Crappe

I saw the tenth-worst movie I've ever seen this weekend. It's called Hugo, and its crappiness knows no bounds.

The story is about a kid whose father died under mysterious circumstances in a museum fire and left the kid one of his possessions; a broken robot that needs a heart-shaped key to operate it. So far, you're probably thinking 'Oh, that actually sounds intriguing, so maybe there'll be international intrigue and suspense and chilling moments of realization'. Let me be perfectly blunt. NO. There is basically no good scene in the whole freaking movie. The kids are as wooden as any kid actor should be expected to act (I've always said this-- I should be an actor), but even the rest of the cast was an epic fail.

You know, It's not actually the actor's fault. No one could save this thing from its canned, corny dialogue or its moronic ending. The kid fixes the robot, but it doesn't tell him anything about how his dad died! ERRRGH... this movie made my brain cells permanently clench... 2/10 stars.

Man... this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that all movie reviewers (except you-know-who) are endlessly sentimental, nostalgic pissheads who wouldn't know an original storyline if it was tattooed on their big, fat, ugly faces... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So in order to channel my hatred in a different direction, I will now give you a list of my most detested movies of all time! Let's see the list.

#9) Cowboys and Aliens. No plot, too many tone shifts, a waste of Harrison Ford.

#8) Transformers: Dark of the Moon. They ruined all the good characters.

#7) Green Lantern. It had so much potential. A movie about one of the best superheroes ever and... they squashed it.

#6) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Jar Jar can go die in a hole. In fact, I'll dig the hole FOR him.

#5) Thor. Two words: EPIC FAIL. A monotonous drone of cheap kiddie crap.

#4) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. THEY. RUINED. EVERYTHING.

#3) Clash of the Titans. Cheap special effects and no plot. Less yackin', more Kraken!

#2) Battle: LA. I'm not gonna get into it... just click HERE.

#1) August Rush. Sentimental, s***ty, and overall the worst movie ever made. End of discussion. BLEAH!!!

Oh, and some other things that WOULD have been on this list, but don't actually qualify as movies: Little Buddha, The Chronicles of Narnia, Garfield: The Movie, The Island, The Incredible Hulk, Jumper, Everyone's Hero, Wild, Wild West, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, The Other Guys, and The Core.

Bye!

Herman Cain the Hurricane!

Hey, Algeria! As of today, my blog has been read twice in the largest country in Africa! Remember how I said I would try to get my blog read in Mauritania, then forgot about it? This is just as good! THE WALRUS FLIES AT MIDNIGHT.

However, I've started this blog at 8:53 PM for a much more sensitive reason: Herman Cain has suspended his campaign amidst allegations of almost Schwarzneggerian groping escapades. Now, the funniest thing about this isn't how he arrived late to his own speech. It's not that the last time a Republican 'suspended' their campaign, they lost in a landslide.

VOTE MCCAIN because the rich white guy is never in charge.

No. The funniest thing is the inspirational quote he used to finish off the speech. Let's all sit for a moment of silence while we read it.

"Life can be a challenge. Life can be impossible. But it's never easy when there's so much on the line".

Wow. I thought Herman Cain was a complete idiot. But that was actually very inspirational, very intelligent, and somewhat whimsical. Now... let me think... where is that quote from?

Oh, right. THE GODDAMN POKEMON MOVIE!!! HOLY LIVING F***IN' HELL! And it's even worse when you think about all the other, more inspirational, even MORE meaningful quotes he could have used.

"Pika! Pika! Pi-KA-chu!"

That's what I'm talking about. Wait... woah... what if...

Did Herman Cain have an affair with Squirtle?

I'd better stop this line of questioning before Cain's lawyers shut me up. So I'll end this blog on a high note:

The Declaration of Procrastination

When in the course of student events it becomes necessary for an assignment to be put off until 'later', a decent respect to the opinions of parents and of teachers (no matter how wrong they may be) requires that the reasons that impel them to this procrastination be stated.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that anything that can be done today should be done tomorrow, that all assignments are created equal, that they are endowed by their assigner with certain inalienable rights, that among these are the right to be ignored and the right to be put off.

No assignment or task should ever infringe upon life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness, and especially not infringe on playing Minecraft.

<<< There was going to be a picture of something that had something to do with procrastination here, but I didn't have the energy.